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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many women putting up with ghastly husbands/partners?

318 replies

Dottymug · 04/03/2023 22:26

It's the 21st century. Women have so many more opportunities and choices than they had in the past. So why are so many women posting on here about being sworn at, insulted, betrayed and treated as slaves by men who they've no intention of leaving/chucking out? It's utterly depressing. Don't put up with that shit. Life is too short.

OP posts:
Retractable · 05/03/2023 08:32

I agree that mostly it’s a case of the children and money.

Giving up living with your children for up to half the time, especially when their father has hitherto fore done next to nothing in terms of meeting any of their needs and/or when he’s just not very nice to them either (but no where near the very low threshold for contact to be denied or even supervised), is a big thing. Many women would rather stick it out.

Same with finances. This can be a huge thing.

It’s easy to oversimplify and judge from the outside, but in the midst of it things are not so straightforward.

MarchMate · 05/03/2023 08:35

Also my DH is a good Disney dad but is rubbish with the hard stuff. And he can be very petty. I would still deal with all of that post split

Gremlins101 · 05/03/2023 08:41

So many reasons. Loyalty, finances, love, percieved stability for children. It's not always black and white.

Starlia · 05/03/2023 08:44

OverTheRubicon · 04/03/2023 23:07

Anyone who thinks this stuff is straightforward has an incredibly lucky life, and a very lacking imagination.

SO MANY of the women you're taking about will have said before the relationship that 'if a man did [X] I'd just leave'. And then when you're 35 weeks pregnant he does - but you're due so soon, and he's sobbing with guilt and saying he wants to die, and you know how he can be really kind and how he's had to grow up with abuse himself, and for the next weeks he's really trying, so kind to you and not even drinking - way better than your own dad, who never even felt bad about it. Your mum says so too, and she's worried about how you'll cope as a single new mum, so you agree it's out of character and stay.

Then it happens the second time months later, and you think about going, but he's been really stressed because the baby's not sleeping, and you're on statutory maternity pay and have run through your savings, and you're also really scared that if things got mean, your post-natal depression would be brought up in court and you'd lose your baby. So you stay.

Then for a while he's got a new job, and for a good while it's just like the old days, and suddenly you're pregnant with #2. He's drinking again in the evenings and it makes him short tempered, but bad morning sickness means you do appreciate him 'helping' with your toddler, who also absolutely idolises him. Your work doesn't take your frequent absences well though, and they tell you that your role is redundant (they say it's nothing at all to do with pregnancy, of course). He loves having you home, and has loads of expectations and advice about how you need to care for it and your kids, and isn't keen on visitors, and gets really anxious and grumpy when you go out, so your world is getting smaller. Still no savings as he sees all your spending. Hard to go back to work, as he points out you'd barely be making £30 a week after childcare, and it's not like he can help much with the school run.
You think about leaving sometimes, but you couldn't afford a house nearby, and he'd pay for a good lawyer while you don't have any savings, your eldest adores him and would be devastated - also his temper is bad enough that you think maybe it's better if you're there to keep things calm. You're not perfect either, sometimes you've called him names too, and he says you're the abusive one, with your control-freakery about housework and drinking. Maybe if you're a better wife, this will sort out.

He's charming, none of his family or mates would believe it, and he has the money to get legal help. You'd miss him, too, in between the bad moments he makes you laugh and you didn't go into marriage to be like this. He didn't either, you know he was damaged himself. And that's before all the logistical and social problems that terrify you about being a single mum.

This is beautifully and devastatingly written, and 100% true. Are you ok?
It can happen to any of us unlucky enough not to see the red flags until it’s too late (or they just weren’t there).
Judging women is not the answer. Making men accountable for their appalling behaviour is what we need to do, with real consequences.

MarchMate · 05/03/2023 08:47

I hate that people assume women who stay with lazy men are lacking in courage or self respect. Some of us are trying to make the best most pragmatic decisions for our kids and their stability and future. Of course if abuse you need to leave but men being rubbish partners isn't great, I find it sad, but the chaos that would follow a split isn't best for the kids. I just can't see it is. @29052022J @Saschka get it I think.

Situaciones · 05/03/2023 08:49

That's pretty sexist. I'm sure there are lots of men putting up with asshole women too, but don't want to leave because of kids etc...

Saturday82 · 05/03/2023 08:51

When I was in an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship, the biggest problem was actually friends' reactions.

Now I don't speak at all to a few people I used to be close to.

Comments from a few:

"You're degrading women. Straight women are such stupid cows." (lesbian friend)

"LOL boyfriend. He's just not that into you. Bitter pill to swallow. There, saved you a fortune on therapy. xxx" (Gay male friend)

"It's your own fault. We're all sick of it." (friend)

"It's boring." (Friend who spoke about her relationship problems non-stop but never let me get a word in)

After more than a year of therapy and looking at boundaries, I realised several of my friends had the same narcissistic traits. She said this is a normal thing to discover.

Hairmouse · 05/03/2023 08:59

I have two friends, both the main earners with husbands who work part time. They moan constantly about how lazy DHs are and how they do most of the housework/ mental load. I just don’t get it. I guess they stay because they love them? It just seems awful. My husband is not perfect but we work hard at trying to have a partnership.

MarchMate · 05/03/2023 09:06

@Hairmouse I am that woman. DH does very little. I am the main earner.

It's the kids. I don't want to leave my kids with him for poss 50% of their lives. I don't want to lose our family home. I don't want them to move nursery. I don't want them to be exposed to the very worst traits of my husband which will come out if I leave him. I don't want to have to continue to deal with him for years arguing over visits and custody - our kids caught in the middle. When you have very young kids there is no clean break

If there were no kids I would be running into the sunset

crackofdoom · 05/03/2023 09:11

Simply put, there aren't many men out there who aren't ghastly, to some degree. I didn't put up with them, so I'm a single parent. It was by far the better option- I have given my DC a stable home and life for ever (I have no desire to ever live with a man), but it would be nice to have a relationship. My extensive experience of online dating, though, leads me to believe that ghastliness is endemic.

Retractable · 05/03/2023 09:12

MarchMate · 05/03/2023 09:06

@Hairmouse I am that woman. DH does very little. I am the main earner.

It's the kids. I don't want to leave my kids with him for poss 50% of their lives. I don't want to lose our family home. I don't want them to move nursery. I don't want them to be exposed to the very worst traits of my husband which will come out if I leave him. I don't want to have to continue to deal with him for years arguing over visits and custody - our kids caught in the middle. When you have very young kids there is no clean break

If there were no kids I would be running into the sunset

This is the case for so many women.

I think that the idea that 50-50 should be the ideal model for child contact is both dreadful for most children (imagine if you had to live half your life in one house and half in the other, with no real home, just ‘mum’s house’ and ‘dad’s house’) and probably acts as a big deterrent to divorce. It strikes me as one of those pretending to be ‘child-centred’ things that’s actually driven by what works best for men.

And it’s galling when a previously useless man suddenly decides he’s a super involved father when it’ll mean he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.

Retractable · 05/03/2023 09:16

Hairmouse · 05/03/2023 08:59

I have two friends, both the main earners with husbands who work part time. They moan constantly about how lazy DHs are and how they do most of the housework/ mental load. I just don’t get it. I guess they stay because they love them? It just seems awful. My husband is not perfect but we work hard at trying to have a partnership.

I’m going to guess they stay because they may very well end up as a non resident parent, and handing over most of the marital assets plus monthly maintenance to the lazy arseholes they married too.

And still having to do all the mental load and the hard bits of everything anyway.

Iusethem · 05/03/2023 09:22

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Forfrigz · 05/03/2023 09:22

I love how most of the reasons given above describe the women's many various 'mistakes'. What if it's actually that a lot of mem are complete shitbags that don't respect women and their huge efforts at running most of life which most of the time involves both a career and a household/family issues.
Biys are raised to be 'me me me I'm the best look at me mummy' girls are raised to 'be kind.' Let us be honest for one moment please.

Colourfulrainbows · 05/03/2023 09:22

The unreasonable person makes it difficult for them to leave.

This can be in any area. Financial, childcare, emotional lack of support.

Because that person is happy with the set up and it has disrupted it. If they wasn't happy they would have taken steps to fix it.

So they put the barriers to keep things the same. Sometimes not even aware they are doing it.

The biggest issue is that people get into relationships before self growth and hence problems.

People go into relationships for the wrong reasons without really assessing it.

Just my opinion.

MarchMate · 05/03/2023 09:26

Retractable · 05/03/2023 09:16

I’m going to guess they stay because they may very well end up as a non resident parent, and handing over most of the marital assets plus monthly maintenance to the lazy arseholes they married too.

And still having to do all the mental load and the hard bits of everything anyway.

Yes @Retractable a solicitor has already told me I may well need go pay my DH maintenance as well as give up my % of thr equity in the house etc. That combined with the impact on my kids. Will I put up with my DH lying on the sofa every weekend to avoid that??. Yes. I probably will.

5128gap · 05/03/2023 09:28

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You're missing out option 3. They change.
Many men who make great partners when they're young, child free, and with few responsibilities don't adapt well to family life. Its very easy to tick all the boxes in a period of ease, with character flaws only emerging when that changes.

ZeldaB · 05/03/2023 09:28

Hope.

SecretVictoria · 05/03/2023 09:29

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As I said in my previous post, very often women want children and they will ‘settle’, for want of a better word, with a dickhead to enable them to have DC. Many people (both sexes) ignore red flags to have the wedding/children/house.

Hairmouse · 05/03/2023 09:31

@MarchMate I’m sorry that sounds awful. I wouldn’t want to share contact of my children either.

Obviously I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors but both my friends DHs seem like generally decent men but ones that are definitely prone to laziness. I can’t help thinking that most men are a bit like that. My DH would definitely leave more to me if I let him. Ideally no woman should have to remind a grown man to do some housework but I do that over being a martyr and doing it all myself.

My friend moans about her husband going out 3 evenings a week but doesn’t seem to challenge him directly about it. It makes me think that it’s low self esteem on her part? Why not stand up for yourself? It is annoying having to have tedious conversations about child care and housework but I have found when you have children things do get a bit tedious for a while. Men will happily carry on being shitty and not change if no one challenges them.

Sorry I have a weekly coffee with these friends and am starting to loose sympathy with the constant “useless husband “ chat. I know they are not to blame but they are starting to get very martyr-ish!

5128gap · 05/03/2023 09:40

I think if it were asked in good faith, with a genuine desire to listen to the answers then it's a very useful question. Unfortunately when the question is accompanied by an implied answer, ie, it's their own fault for not taking advantage of the myriad of alternative options open to them, all it does is divert attention from trying to tackle the underlying problems that cause the situations and trap women in them.
So, OP, you now know some of the barriers women face. You now know its not as simple as packing your bag and strolling effortlessly towards one of these fabulous other options. What will you do with that information, given its an issue that matters to you?

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 05/03/2023 09:46

In my very recent experience, it is not very easy and I am a well educated, financially independent woman who drives and has a good support network, plus relatively 'easy' children (one with SEN but no behavioural problems or have high care needs.) If I didn't have just one of the above factors I don't think I could have done it.
Even then, it's not been easy. The bank won't let me keep the mortgage in just my name as it's too 'risky', I have to give my kids up for one day of the weekend (when I work full time Monday to Friday and so really value this time with them), we're going to have to move, I spend all my time with them feeling guilty that I'm so frazzled trying to do everything. My ex was a lazy so and so but at least there was another person to
Wash up
Make the kids a drink
Occasionally put the washing on
Just be there in the house so I could run to the shops or give my friend a lift home. There are some things I physically can't do on my own which frustraTes me no end. There's a chest of drawers which I need to move and load of stuff in the garden which I need to take to the tip. But I can't lift it.
I don't regret it, but I have at times over the last two weeks wondered if I can do it.
The first time all of the household expenses came out of just account I had £7 left to last until the next month. Luckily a family member helped me out but how long I can do this for I don't know.
MN love to blame the women for this, but really it's capitalism. The modern world is based on the concept that two people are earning in order to own a home and have children. Either that or be eligible for universal credit, which again traps you in poverty. Do you know that to retrain in order to get a better job in my sector (health) I will lose out on UC? Therefore my options are short term hardship or be an administrator for the rest of my life? Many people won't be able to make this choice.

Nosandwichfilling · 05/03/2023 09:58

Economic viability.

I always knew and still know that I could walk out the door and not be poor as a church mouse. He also knows this. He is a decent bloke anyway. Being a SAHM or having a lot of children puts women in a weak position. I can’t undo thousands of years of misogyny so I just decided at a very young age to always try and be economically viable alone.

I have also never cared what anyone thinks of me. Too many women are petrified as being seen as not nice.

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 05/03/2023 10:04

@Nosandwichfilling are you sure of that though? Are you sure the bank would let you keep the mortgage on your current house on your own? Are you sure that selling the family home would allow you to both buy decent sized homes? We are in the position of actually not being able to sell our 'family home' due to lack of buyers and falling house prices, it's all very well to say 'well we'd just sell' but things aren't always that simple.

Tidsleytiddy · 05/03/2023 10:04

Situaciones · 05/03/2023 08:49

That's pretty sexist. I'm sure there are lots of men putting up with asshole women too, but don't want to leave because of kids etc...

Definitely this. Can’t leave the bullying wife because that would mean selling the home and having half each which would mean neither could afford to buy anywhere else