Why are so many women putting up with ghastly husbands/partners?

[Dottymug]

It's the 21st century. Women have so many more opportunities and choices than they had in the past. So why are so many women posting on here about being sworn at, insulted, betrayed and treated as slaves by men who they've no intention of leaving/chucking out? It's utterly depressing. Don't put up with that shit. Life is too short.

Eh? No one taught me or any women I know that.

This is so true, especially "many men don't actually want or children or enjoy family life. They waant to be looked after by women and have the status of a family man. Many women want children and are prepared to look past this."

@LlynTegid

The non resident parent is often forced out their own home and can’t see their own children much. Sometimes they may have done nothing at all to cause this and may be the wronged party in the marriage.

How on earth is the law biased in the non resident parents favour?

Sometimes it is financial but I think for many women any man is better than no man. I'm not sure if it is a fear of loneliness or fear or social stigma, but being unhappy with a man is better than being unhappy without a man, which genuinely are the options they have.

There can be so many reasons as stated here. I’m much older and in my case I went from a very dominant mother to an increasingly dominant and controlling husband. The world was also a very different place 30/40 years ago and the roles for males and females was much more rigidly defined.

How old are you OP?

Im pleased to say my adult DD aged 25 has a very equal partnership with her DP. I sometimes worry that the mantra Women Can Have it All, really means Women Can Have it All to Do.

Sometimes it just comes down to some men are lazy, selfish arrogant fuckers.

I also think controlling beahviour is often overlooked in women as not serious.

Plenty of parents teach their girls that.

And actually I did have a teacher in school who told me not to apply for medicine but to apply for nursing “and then you can marry a doctor”. Like being a doctor’s wife was the zenith of female achievement. DM complained but that was the general attitude - girls should be pretty and marry well. This was early-90s Sussex village school. None of the mums worked.

No idea, have never understood it.

Because the thought of looking over my shoulder all the time is terrifying, worrying that every little noise outside is him about to break in or put my windows in. The fear of being unable to relax in my new home is what puts me off leaving and keeps me trapped here. Also that the house needs so much doing thanks to him either damaging things (no doors on upstairs for example) or starting diy projects and not finishing (only had half a kitchen for the best part of a 18 months) mean that I wouldn't be able to sell for anything like what it's worth so I'm waiting for him to get those things sorted. I can't pay for them myself unfortunately.

So although it sounds pathetic, I am here for a bit longer yet. Being ignored or sworn at or whatever. I will get out though. I am making plans and thats incredibly liberating.

@drpet49

Of course they did.

Not directly.

You've never seen a romantic film or TV show?

Teen magazines?

Books?

Come on. That message is everywhere

You simply don’t know what someone will be like as a husband and father until he is one. The criteria for good boyfriend and even good child-free husband can be very different to what is required to effectively keep children alive.

Also, it’s simply the case that many women are pretty independent and don’t need anything but the fun easy stuff from a partner… until they’re pregnant/have a small child and suddenly vulnerable in ways they hadn’t anticipated. At that point lots of women learn many things about the man they thought they knew so well - sometimes many of them are more than just disappointing.

In a different context things didn’t seem to be ‘red flag but having a family (or even just pooling resources) changes that. It’s like shifting the coloured filter you view the world through - a child and shared responsibility free relationship can give you a cyan filter on the world. It’s sometimes impossible to perceive the red bits at all. And, as a woman, you don’t see the world through male socialisation so you simply don’t anticipate that they’re going to decide that it’s fair that you get no sleep at all ever and do everything.

I disagree. It's impossible to ignore the context in which such behaviours exist.
It may suit certain agendas to pretend there is no difference between being emotionally and verbally abused by someone who also has the ability to cause you injury and physically restrict your movements if they so wish, than by someone from whom you can easily overpower; but it's a falsehood.
Not to mention the social and economic contexts that make it far easier for men to exit such relationships.
I'm not saying they are no men in bad relationships, but to try to suggest this means its an equal problem for both sexes is just minimising the problem of male bad behaviour. Because its easier to lay the blame on women than suggest otherwise.

Yes I think it becomes an accepted narrative about rubbish husbands. Instagram is full of "funny" posts about men leaving stuff everywhere, not buying Xmas presents, not remembering their own mothers birthday and the wife sending a gift instead. It's become so normal it's become funny for women to all relate to each other on that basis..."oh my god you wouldn't believe what Steve did last week" etc @Hairmouse

But actually breaking it down is pretty awful. My husband might just be lying on the sofa every weekend which isn't anything too terrible on the surface but actually it's because he believes inherently somewhere it's my job to sort out his life for him. He doesn't mind looking pathetic. He just wants to be mothered. It's so unattractive and yet I'm still here because I am set to lose so so much if I leave. A huge chunk of my income, my equity and most importantly my kids. Its a pragmatic decision, not a fearful one.

So in the meantime we find solace and support from other women. It looks like we are all moaning martyrs to scared to go it alone but many of us are trying to make the best decision with the shitty situation we find ourselves in.

I completely agree with the Peter who said many men don’t really want children. This 100%.
They will go along with it to obtain a partner who will pander to them and offer them sex and a clean house. They also see it as a bit of a status symbol but that’s it. I’m convinced that if a woman says I am not having children then at least 50% (very conservative estimate) of men would go along with that choice.
Then once children come along the balance of power shifts dramatically. Men are not really castigated if they leave children are they? Plenty of women continue to breed with men who have already proved that they are shitty fathers. I don’t feel any sympathy towards those women, the writing was clearly on the wall.
Completely different for women who have children with child free men, they don’t have anything to go on.
So, unless a woman is strong and financially well off, it is difficult to leave. A large proportion of fathers do not contribute either financially or emotionally once the relationship fails. The bar us set very low for NRP. Very, very low.

@Penguinsaregreat even if a "woman is strong and financially well off" it is still very difficult to leave. I'm the breadwinner. I'm tough. I'm strong. I'm still staying.

Women who chose to stay are not weak.

@MarchMate yes I am aware I sound like a terrible friend but there are only so many times you can have the same conversation! I love my friends but it’s hard listening to intelligent kind women talk about their shit husbands again and again and not do anything about it. It’s made me hate their husbands as well. I am starting to resent it all.

Fear, lack of money, lack of status.

That last one is mostly enforced by women. Mostly because there is a real myopia about difficult relationships which many women consider via their own experience. This comes across as "you find him difficult, that is you, sotto I do not". You see this all the time on Mumsnet. It's a narcissistic response but very common.

Also, despite a lot of campaigns about violence or domestic abuse, it's pretty obvious that women who do experience this are considered to be a problem, rather than the men who perpetrate it. The funding and efforts to combat these issues in our society are very small.

Stepping outside of this, well, you are on your own. Very tough to do. Notably abusive or unkind men rarely want to be on their own. They know how tough it is.

@ZoZoisresting

If you’re choosing to have children with a man you should at least be able to rely on his goodwill at that point (obviously it doesn’t always work out). The reality is even if you’re more of a girl boss you’re still relying totally on your husbands goodwill when it comes to your childrens security and safety. If you leave and will be well off because of your job, unless bad abuse is proven your husband will stake get child access and be part of your kids lives anyway.

All the more reason not to involve a man at all if you can afford not to.

TBH (and I know this is not going to be popular) I think the optimal environment for children to grow up in is a single parent household headed by a solvent and reliable woman.

In theory a nuclear family involving a woman and a good, reliable, solvent and involved man who both works hard and considers childcare as much his responsibility as the woman's should be better than this and when it works it probably is. In practice such families are vanishingly rare and you would be foolish to count on finding this.

You say you "should be able to rely on [a man's] goodwill". Of course you should. But that means relying on his goodwill to support you and play his part in the home and with childcare. How do you go about guaranteeing the man you met at prime childbearing age will remain like this for 40 years? You can't. And if you gamble on it you are gambling on yours and your children's financial autonomy.

Being sole breadwinner and primary carer is relentless but its almost always better than the alternative.

You simply don’t know what someone will be like as a husband and father until he is one.

I disagree. Many women overlook obvious signs because they want children.

@Hairmouse you don't sound like a terrible friend at all. Its very frustrating I know. There is no easy solution for women who share children with horrible men. Every option is full of problems. So women talk about it. A lot. On repeat!! Imagine it's pretty hard to listen to! I get it.

We are conditioned to have low standards. Men make us think they're doing us a huge favour if they so much as put their cup in the dishwasher (I put that away for you). Media and TV and films push the men are helpless and women are domestic appliances narrative.
Woman cares for her child big whoop. That's what you do.

Man cares for his child he's babysitting and worthy of much praise and probably a knighthood.

Men act like anything domestic is beneath them and we bloody fall for it!

Man has affair and it's the ow fault. She stole him. He was helpless as she hypnotised his cock closer and closer.

I was browsing Reddit the other day and saw a video of a woman catching her bloke balls deep in another woman. She went for her. He strolled out the room and they were fighting. I mean. Wtf! 🤦

And it is even reinforced by other women! Making excuses for pathetic men with oh they don't see dirt or you have to tell them they just don't realise children need feeding or what are you making a fuss about, I love doing wifework so you should too and all sorts of shit like that.

So when we think hey this just isn't ok, we have hundreds of little voices from different sources telling us we're selfishly putting ourselves first and not being kind and we should accept the way things are.

Obvious namalt disclaimer. My own husband isn't like that. And we made damn sure to raise our sons to be fully competent in the home but generally (and globally) speaking it's a massive massive problem and those of us who don't have a useless manchild or bully or cheater or thoughtless areshole they have to take care of are hugely outweighed by those who do to the point it's seen as normal.

Too many women trap themselves by not keeping their financial independence or being financially irresponsible.
They rely far too much on dh's earning, don't bother with pensions, don't think long term and worry it's not financially viable to work just because of a few years paying childcare.
Many excuses about why they can't work.
Too much focus on how to get their hands on other people's money (especially in law's inheritances) instead of sorting out their own.

This

Also this

You simply don’t know what someone will be like as a husband and father until he is one. The criteria for good boyfriend and even good child-free husband can be very different to what is required to effectively keep children alive.

I think you've got it right here @Retractable. Whilst people are rightly pointing out that some women can and do (sometimes intentionally) overlook red flags such is their desire to have kids, in the main I don't think most women are putting up with verbal, physical, emotional abuse from the get go all in the hopes of having a child.

It's also the case that many of these red flags only become so once children are in the picture. If a man wanted to spend Saturday evenings down the pub or all of Sunday golfing when the couple were childfree this was probably not a massive issue but when the kids came along if the man doesn't of his own volition adjust then the woman becomes 'moany' and is attempting to 'ruin' her partners social life by asking him to participate in family life. On and on it goes.