Sunday morning lifts and bloody McDonald's

[reddwarfgeek]

Just a rant really.
My partner is going to away football to tomorrow. He'll be out of the house all day from 8am to 9pm. He's asked me for a lift to the train station, but not content with that he wants to go via McDonald's for a breakfast. It's slightly out of the way and will mean leaving house at 7:30am to get an 8:45am train, thus adding extra time on, probably means get up at 6:30am. I know that isn't that early for some people but I work 4 days and we have an early start Saturdays for DDs hobby. Sunday is the only day we have that's more relaxing. I have to get DD (5) sorted up and dressed etc.
He said the reason he wants to go to McDonald's is he won't have any other chance to eat anything all day! I find this hard to believe! The train journey is long but what about the other 10 hours? Anyway, we had a big argument and he said I'm a moaning cunt and that I'm making him drink on an empty stomach. Aww ..didums! 13 hours free time on a Sunday apparently isn't enough 🙈 it all seems a bit ungrateful.

I've no issue with the lift I just don't want to go to McDonald's at 8am on a Sunday morning thus likely making us late. The one nearby has issues with being short staffed and getting orders wrong, so I've no doubt it wouldn't be straightforward. We do have food in the house to eat for breakfast, he just doesn't want it.
AIBU?

Do you want your daughter to grow up living with your current feeling/mood/mental state @reddwarfgeek ? Because by staying that is what life your giving her.this misery your in she will be forced to live too.you can protect her,give her a safe space.if this really is about access then give her a safe space to come back to.to be permanently in this with you will destroy her.like it has you.but actually more so because she will wonder why her mum didn't protect her from it.

You could set the phone up recording on a shelf or something .
this is going to be your life forever unless you take the first steps. It doesn’t sound like hed go for 50/50 as others have said, pretend you’re ok with it.

OP, I would call a hotline and talk to a professional or someone at AA about this. But when it comes to custody, I have heard of women who tell their abusive partners what they want to hear: that going for 50/50 custody isn’t easy and he shouldn’t have to go through all that; that of course it’s HIS DAUGHTER and he should see her however much he wants, and you’d never dream of coming between them and have no right to do so; that he deserves to have time to himself anyway, to go to football with his friends and enjoy his weekends because he always was the high earner, etc. They lie, lie, lie, get the protection of legal custody and then the child is theirs. Once the abusive partner thinks he has “won” he almost always loses interest anyway. I’m in no way advocating this approach, and I’d caution you to never put promises in writing (including texts and emails), and I would mention that it could backfire. But my point is that it may be worth asking a professional therapist and a lawyer how custody ought to be approached, because it can be done.

You can do this op! You know what you need to do, so work out what you need to make it happen.

Look at this thread. We believe you, and in you. Women here will support you. Literally every night in life you will find cheerleaders here, if that is what you need.

You will also find help around you. You know that people know he is a twat.

This relationship is dead. All you are doing now is conditioning DD to accept the same shite when she grows up. You two are modelling relationships, appropriate behaviour etc. If you have a problem with DD in 15/ 20 years marrying this man, being with this man, having kids to this man, do her the biggest favour of her life and model to her that women should not put up with shite and that you vote with your feet.

snugglemonkey puts it so well in her post.

I got out when dd was mimicking my behaviours and ds was mimicking his behaviours. I'm glad I left, it wasn't easy but 5 years on, I'm 100% sure it was the right decision. I've always said my life improved every day since I made that decision. It was hard going and took a lot of adjusting for everyone but it's still better. My dc have seen me be in two relationships since where I've been treated very well but neither have been live in relationships so our home life is still just us three.

I ended it when my dd were 2,4 . I'm so glad I did. Yes it was hard (frightening) at the time but nearly 20 years on it seems like a blip. I also worried about custody. He did 3 nights a week for the first 6 months and that was tough. I got a part time job in a pub to distract me and spent time with friends. Then he switched to one night in week and eow. I started dating my dh so was actually nice to have time together. Within a couple of years it was around once a month. But my dds have an amazing stepdad who paid for their education, supported them and we have modelled a healthy relationship. I also showed them it's better to be single than unhappy.

Op, I keep checking back to see if you are ok.

I hope things haven’t got any worse and that you’re putting plans in place to escape this nightmare 💐

@welshpolarbear Thank you for your message! I'm ok thanks.
Same old here, trying to squirrel money away, going through the days asbest I can for DD.
He's not got drunk for a couple of weeks, but his team haven't played at home. I'm not looking forward to the Easter weekend as I hate spending a lot of time with him. I'm still on the sofa as per usual. Everything he says to me is a thinly veiled insult. He particularly hates me going to work.
I keep looking at rental places.
What stops me is DD . Despite everything she adores her dad. I don't want to take her away from him, even though I desperately want to be away from him, if that makes sense?
He's going on a few lads trips soon, at least I'll be free for a few weekends. And he'll be drinking heavily far away.
I'm 38 now. I made a plan in my head to leave by the time I'm 40, but I don't know how to make the first step or if I'll ever have the courage. I wish someone IRL would help me. Most people have someone,don't they? Despite having family and friends I feel I have no one to help. They either wouldn't be able to,wouldn't agree with what I'm doing or have their own problems.

I often see people suggest talking to Women's Aid. Could you try that?

Yeah, why not have an informal phone call with women’s aid or go on their website? They might have live chat on there. Good luck. I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation.

It’s true that it is difficult to confide in others at such hard times in our life due to the reasons you say. At least you have a place to rant and get ideas from on here. I know that’s not the same as real people in your every day life but it’s something. Keep going xx

@reddwarfgeek i’m sorry you are in this situation but please don’t blame your daughter as a reason you have to stay. Also, you previously posted that
“My DD doesn't have a great relationship with her dad as he doesn't do things with her or spend much time with her.”
So please don’t kid yourself she needs you to stay with an abuser. It’s for you to make good decisions for her welfare.

I know it’s hard and scary. Please pick up the phone to women’s aid, start a conversation. No need to delay. Nothing magical will change when you turn 40. You have to put your plans in place. You deserve more and so does your DD. Good luck.

Most people have someone,don't they? Despite having family and friends I feel I have no one to help. They either wouldn't be able to,wouldn't agree with what I'm doing or have their own problems.

People don't necessarily have to agree with you to help.

My exH went and stayed with his BF, who thought he was being a twat. Still gave him a bed though.

I’d be making plans and moving out while he’s on one of his boozy weekends.
Don’t kid yourself.. good fathers don’t spend all their wages on booze and spend weeks hungover and moping !!

Why say "8am on a Sunday morning" when "8am on a Sunday" means the same?

Tbf I'd be more pissed off with that than not being fed.

Op please 🙏 phone Womans Aid they will help you. Please please phone them.

They gave my friend and amazing amount of help. Took about 6mths once the ball was rolling from them to get her into a council flat. OK as she wasn't in danger she stayed with ex until the flat was available.

When your own MIL is telling you to get rid of him LISTEN to her. She has your and her granddaughters best interests at heart.

@reddwarfgeek The police can help you. Please consider calling them. This is domestic abuse and the previous episodes of intimidating you and manipulating you are a criminal offence.

I think your DD will be better off living with one happy parent than watching you being continually emotionally abused by this man.

Also if you haven't reached out to anyone for help how do you know they won't help you? Yes of course most people have problems, but probably not as big as yours and it doesn't mean they won't help you. And I very much doubt anyone would disagree with you ending it if they knew what he was doing. If there really is no one then call Women's Aid. In fact call them anyway, the more support the better.

Thanks everyone (except @hotdiggetydog who seems to think my grammar is the main issue here).
I will certainly call women's aid or try the chat feature.
DD has changed the last couple of weeks and has become very clingey to her dad and says he's her best friend and she loves him more. So tbh I'm wondering whether she'd want to live with me rather than him.

Oh bless your daughter. I think this is worrying though, she’s starting peace-making, walking on eggshells behaviour, trying to keep Daddy happy and sweet. It’s more important than ever you take her out of this environment otherwise she’ll see it as normal and her role is to keep a damaged angry man happy. Good luck and I hope you get out soon.

Despite having family and friends I feel I have no one to help. They either wouldn't be able to,wouldn't agree with what I'm doing or have their own problems.

I'm sure this isn't true OP. Even if they can't help physically there will be some that will give you emotional support. x But PP's are right about women's aid, and find out about any other stuff that might be supportive near you. Freedom Programme is good, maybe Al-Anon, etc.

Yes, she is learning how to appease an angry man - all the more reason to get her away from the situation.

I'm sorry for my slow reply, I'm pleased to hear you're ok but desperately wishing for a way out for you.

I think saying you'll call Women's Aid is a brilliant, and big, first move.

You know you need to do this for both yours and your daughters safety and mental health. This isn't a life you deserve, you will be so much happier going your own way and creating a safer space for you and you little girl.

I note your bit about your daughter and how she's behaving towards your (d)h, and obviously I don't know enough about the situation, but it does seem like it could be that she's trying to keep him on side, though this will be unconsciously.

I grew up with a father who was always angry, you had to walk on egg shells, make sure things were tidy before he came home, to want to say the wrong things, and it's left me as a 45 yr old woman still think everyone means things in a way they don't, always thinking people are cross with me and wanting to people please and it's just pretty crap.

Please save yourself, and her, and give yourself that shot at a fantastic, free life together.

Imagine, in 6 months you could be living in a nice little space together, not having to think about what drinking opportunities for him are coming up and that you need to be wary of, and especially not being called disgusting names. It will be brilliant.

And as for shared custody, do you really think he would actually stick with that and want to do the actual hard work - not a chance.

Take care 💐

How is everything going OP? Been thinking about you a lot over the bank holidays