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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sunday morning lifts and bloody McDonald's

548 replies

reddwarfgeek · 04/03/2023 21:01

Just a rant really.
My partner is going to away football to tomorrow. He'll be out of the house all day from 8am to 9pm. He's asked me for a lift to the train station, but not content with that he wants to go via McDonald's for a breakfast. It's slightly out of the way and will mean leaving house at 7:30am to get an 8:45am train, thus adding extra time on, probably means get up at 6:30am. I know that isn't that early for some people but I work 4 days and we have an early start Saturdays for DDs hobby. Sunday is the only day we have that's more relaxing. I have to get DD (5) sorted up and dressed etc.
He said the reason he wants to go to McDonald's is he won't have any other chance to eat anything all day! I find this hard to believe! The train journey is long but what about the other 10 hours? Anyway, we had a big argument and he said I'm a moaning cunt and that I'm making him drink on an empty stomach. Aww ..didums! 13 hours free time on a Sunday apparently isn't enough 🙈 it all seems a bit ungrateful.

I've no issue with the lift I just don't want to go to McDonald's at 8am on a Sunday morning thus likely making us late. The one nearby has issues with being short staffed and getting orders wrong, so I've no doubt it wouldn't be straightforward. We do have food in the house to eat for breakfast, he just doesn't want it.
AIBU?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 06/03/2023 11:18

His MH is NOT more important than yours or your child’s

OP, I am just highlighting this from @Chestnutlover as if you are skim reading you may miss this very important piece of advice.

Snazzysausage · 06/03/2023 11:19

Oh no,that's a worse update than I was expecting you to post. You have to dig deep and find the courage to make plans to leave - for your DD's sake if nothing else. It's hard I know but you can't stay in such a toxic environment much longer. 💐

Janbohonut · 06/03/2023 11:22

The poor me stuff is entirely predictable when he knows he's gone too far and is trying to reel you back in.
He won't "do something."
If you leave he'll behave atrociously for as long as it takes to find some other woman to put up with him.
He's an alcoholic, and a loser.
It won't get better.
You deserve so much more from life.
Even if you don't leave this time, give yourself a time limit for improvement.
And FWIW, you probably won't notice his absence, as it doesn't sound like he does a lot apart from lying around and wasting money. Your life will be better.

Sugarfree23 · 06/03/2023 11:32

Op that's horrendous. You must be exhausted today.

Op if you can get some time to yourself today at work I'd give Womans Aid a call and start making plans. That's no way to live for you or your DD.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/03/2023 11:36

He sounds utterly shit.
He'd be making his own way if I was in your shoes.
'Making me drink on an empty stomach' - did you ever hear such nonsense!

SallyWD · 06/03/2023 11:39

LikeTearsInRain · 05/03/2023 21:32

No you don’t. He’ll take it out on OP on top of this not giving a lift issue

Show quote history

Good point.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 06/03/2023 11:39

I am so tired.

If he did it again and I called the police at the time, would they to take it seriously? Would they remove him for the night? I'm sure it must be a nuisance to the neighbours too. But he would never hurt DD.

OP posts:
Mercy1968 · 06/03/2023 11:43

@reddwarfgeek yes they would. If you call them and say what's happening and you and dd are unsafe they will attend, see exactly what he's like (drunk, loud, public disturbance/breach of peace, think about him shouting last night in the street) and remove him.

A night in the cells to sleep it off and sober up.

I have done it. I didn't have mine back.

GoldenCupidon · 06/03/2023 11:47

Sorry you had such a horrible weekend and really difficult night.

I know you feel you've got nowhere to go but this can't carry on can it? What things do you need to have in place in order to be able to throw him out/move out yourself? Maybe list them here.

boogliewoogliepiggywiththeoink · 06/03/2023 11:52

@reddwarfgeek
I completely agree with @MrsTerryPratchett "If he'd ever called me a 'moaning cunt' the only McDonald's I'd give him would be inserted up his arse sideways."
To be fair in some relationships certain bad language is just banter (although not for use in front of the kids obviously). But from what you have described he sounds like a total twunt (apologies for those who find the word offensive) whose attitude and language is unacceptable. (It's something I am familiar with and is one of the reasons I divorced my version of this...)

GordonsAFGirl · 06/03/2023 11:57

@reddwarfgeek alcoholics do terrible things.
You can choose to leave as 99% of posters have suggested or you give a new set of rules. AA would be non negotiable. Mumsnet doesn't really understand alcoholics, it is a terrible illness. You can't just 'grow up' and stop. Every alcoholic I know has trauma attached to their drinking. If you are sure that your DD is not at risk then get him to AA today. It is not a joke. The drinking is why he can't get up in the morning, the reason he pre loads before an event. He will not be the biggest drinker there. Part of the 12 steps is apologies and forgiveness. If he was lovely once you may want to save your marriage. If he has always been vulgar and abusive to you cut and run. I suggested up thread you had a head start over most women, you drive, you work and your daughter is school age. And never accept personal slurs from anyone. We are all wishing you and your daughter well.
And my name is a clue I know what I am talking about.

VenusClapTrap · 06/03/2023 12:03

You need to get your child and yourself out of that environment right now.

He may not have physically hurt you so far, but neither had my old school friend’s partner, until the night he murdered her while their toddler daughters slept upstairs. She had told him she was leaving him the next day. Be very careful.

katepilar · 06/03/2023 12:06

breakfast at mcdonalds? he eats at home and takes food with him.

Sugarfree23 · 06/03/2023 12:13

@VenusClapTrap that's shocking. Poor child 😢

Op contact Womans Aid, you need help to get out of the situation.

If he wants to get help from AA that's up to him, he has to want to give up drink. But I also doubt he see himself as an alcoholic or alcohol dependent. More a casual drinker who likes a good time.

You can only do what's within your control.

whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 12:17

Jeez.

OP I know you say you have little support, but please come up with a plan to leave. There will be a way. Even if you can't leave for yourself, this is such an awful way for your DD to grow up. This is an abusive relationship.

Heronwatcher · 06/03/2023 12:21

If he’s having a breakdown then the first thing might be to not intentionally get blind drunk. Alcohol is a depressant.

I don’t believe a word of it, he just knows he’s been behaving like a dickhead and is just looking for sympathy.

Can you send him to a hotel or his mum’s for a few days? If he can afford a whole day of football and drinking then he can shell out for a holiday inn for a couple of nights. What a twat. I also can’t believe he behaves like that when your DD is around, that alone would be the end for me.

Buttonjugs · 06/03/2023 12:27

reddwarfgeek · 04/03/2023 22:35

@Snazzysausage You're very right and I think that one of the reasons he doesn't want to split up (I have brought it up in the past) is because I do things for him and enable this behaviour. So many women just wouldn't put up with it at all!
My DD doesn't have a great relationship with her dad as he doesn't do things with her or spend much time with her. I wish it were more easy to get out. But he's the high earner and I have no family or friends who would take us in or help me out.
I'm determined that it will not always be this way though.

When I was unhappy in a marriage with my sons father I decided to leave. I took out a bank loan to rent a house and had no idea what we were going to live on but I was able to claim working tax credits. I have never regretted it for a second. If you are determined enough you could leave him within weeks.

sashh · 06/03/2023 12:29

TeenagersAngst · 05/03/2023 08:37

Aside from the fact you're spectacularly missing the point, OP already said the closest McDonalds is out of their way, hence having to get up earlier.

Show quote history

It's out of the way on the journey tot he station.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 06/03/2023 12:30

reddwarfgeek · 06/03/2023 10:28

Morning. So grateful people are still posting. You are right that the Mcdonalds thing is the tip of the iceberg.
Last night was pretty awful. I was expecting him back about 9:30pm, he eventually came back at 10:45pm. Could barely string a sentence together. He hands were everywhere and he was trying to hug me but it actually hurt he was squeezing my arms and ribcage hard.
Tried to go on DDs floor to sleep, he followed me, music on, singing songs lyrics in my face and talking gibberish. No idea how DD stayed asleep but she did.
He kept drinking. A couple of beers that were in the fridge, a quarter of a bottle of whiskey. My friends bought me some gin for my last birthday and half a bottle was gone within about an hour....on top of everything he's had all day.
He ordered a takeaway, it didn't arrive. He was opening the front door and shouting into the street presumably to try and find the driver, but he'd ordered something in another city in error and was having some drunken rant with the driver and woman on the phone. I had to explain to them. He still wouldn't stop the music and singing so at 1:30am I got in my car and drove around for a bit crying, stopped to calm down. Tried to sleep a bit in my car to no avail and eventually went home about 4am when he'd finally gone to bed. Although when I went up to the bedroom he was crying, eyes red saying he was having a breakdown and if I go to work he might do something. No way was I going to be blackmailed by him, I took DD to school and have gone to work. I messaged MIL asking her to drop in later if she can to see him.

I'm so tired. This is so unexpectable, and nowhere near normal behaviour. I genuinely don't know how much more I can take before I call the police on him or take DD out of the house and move out.

I'm ok, I'm safe. If I know what he's like he'll sleep all week now. Can't quite believe this was my Sunday night! Thank you all for keeping me company x

Where was DD when you left the house to go for a drive?

Sorry you are going through all this.

mg2397 · 06/03/2023 12:31

Take him to McDonald's.
Wait in the car.
Leave him there.

mg2397 · 06/03/2023 12:34

(ignore previous message, just realised I'm a day behind)

This sounds awful op, you really need to be considering leaving, it's starting to sound unsafe for you and DD

LookItsMeAgain · 06/03/2023 12:35

reddwarfgeek · 06/03/2023 11:39

I am so tired.

If he did it again and I called the police at the time, would they to take it seriously? Would they remove him for the night? I'm sure it must be a nuisance to the neighbours too. But he would never hurt DD.

You poor thing. Neither you nor your daughter should have to put up with this.

My advice would be for you to walk into your local police station and ask to speak with one of the on duty officers. Explain your situation. Everything. Ask their advice as to whether you can make a report now but if you needed to contact them in the future (i.e. if your husband's humour turned and you needed their help in an emergency) would having this information help them in any way?

If possible, you might be able to get the phone number of your local station so rather than phoning 999 (which I would definitely advise to do if your husband turned violent), you could contact them directly and they may be able to do a drive by and check in on you.

You can change what happens next. For you and for your daughter.

Best of luck to you with it all.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 06/03/2023 12:35

@Buttonjugs Thank you for posting. Can I ask why you left? Would your ex not leave? How was your son after the move?

Everyone I see on MN and IRL always advise against the woman and child leaving the house. Is it really so bad if you are desperate?

OP posts:
Nixer · 06/03/2023 12:35

Ok so I upgrade my "probably an alcoholic" to "definitely an alcoholic". Emtionally blackmailing and completely unable to take responsibility for himself too.

Does he not work either?

Get out of this relationship, and fast before he totally fucks up your child or starts hitting you. It's already emotionally abusive.

Sugarfree23 · 06/03/2023 12:49

OP Please get professional advice.
He doesn't sound the sort to quietly pack up his stuff and go.

Who's name is the house in?