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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sunday morning lifts and bloody McDonald's

548 replies

reddwarfgeek · 04/03/2023 21:01

Just a rant really.
My partner is going to away football to tomorrow. He'll be out of the house all day from 8am to 9pm. He's asked me for a lift to the train station, but not content with that he wants to go via McDonald's for a breakfast. It's slightly out of the way and will mean leaving house at 7:30am to get an 8:45am train, thus adding extra time on, probably means get up at 6:30am. I know that isn't that early for some people but I work 4 days and we have an early start Saturdays for DDs hobby. Sunday is the only day we have that's more relaxing. I have to get DD (5) sorted up and dressed etc.
He said the reason he wants to go to McDonald's is he won't have any other chance to eat anything all day! I find this hard to believe! The train journey is long but what about the other 10 hours? Anyway, we had a big argument and he said I'm a moaning cunt and that I'm making him drink on an empty stomach. Aww ..didums! 13 hours free time on a Sunday apparently isn't enough 🙈 it all seems a bit ungrateful.

I've no issue with the lift I just don't want to go to McDonald's at 8am on a Sunday morning thus likely making us late. The one nearby has issues with being short staffed and getting orders wrong, so I've no doubt it wouldn't be straightforward. We do have food in the house to eat for breakfast, he just doesn't want it.
AIBU?

OP posts:
whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 09:51

He called you a cunt?

The lift would be entirely off the cards for me after that. Nevermind the McDonalds. Why on earth would you do him any favours when he speaks to you like that?

LadyEloise1 · 06/03/2023 09:53

How are things now @reddwarfgeek ?
Hope you are ok.

mustgetoffmn · 06/03/2023 09:57

reddwarfgeek · 04/03/2023 22:38

I've given him so many lifts in the past, in various states of his drunkeness at all different times of the day (and night!) I just want a little more respect this time round.

Ah drunkenness. He may need help especially since DF recently died. AA?

JonahAndTheSnail · 06/03/2023 09:58

So you are happy to get the whole house up early on every Saturday for your precious darling but you begrudge your husband one early Sunday? I don't understand why all the other posters think that's too early for a 5year old because from what I remember they're always up at some godawful time. And while I would also be annoyed at being called names I think everyone's reaction is a bit OTT. Like they've never had an argument and been horrible or sworn before? Yeah that's likely. I'd be so thrilled at getting a day to myself with my child I'd be helping them leave early.

If you read through the OP's posts... She says he struggles with mornings, but sounds like he can make the effort if it's to go out on the piss. Also, the part where he doesn't have a relationship with his daughter as he can't be arsed to interact with her. Then his solution to bother his sister for a lift when he can afford a cab if he's a high earner. Sounds like he's a nasty arsehole, rather than a one off time he lost his cool.

usernamealreadytaken · 06/03/2023 10:03

Hope everything is okay today @reddwarfgeek. We're all here if you need anything x

Hintofreality · 06/03/2023 10:06

I’d be more bothered about him calling me a moaning cunt than the McDonalds. Do you think it’s ok for him to talk to you like that?

whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 10:09

Caught up on the rest of the thread OP. I hope you are ok.

If I were you I would focus on creating an escape fund and getting yourself in order to be able to leave. This relationship sounds awful.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 06/03/2023 10:13

I've been married 35 years. If my husband ever called me a cunt it would all be over.

We have had our fair share of arguments and ups and downs over the years. There have been times I've been completely out of order and been a complete and utter bitch. But never once has he used that word to me. Why are you tolerating this?

Janbohonut · 06/03/2023 10:18

He called you a moaning cunt? What a prick.
And he "needs" to go to McDonalds. What a dick. My kids love McDonalds but as an adult I would never make someone get up even earlier on a sunday morning because i needed Maccas. He can pack a coffee in a thermos and some toast. What an absolute dickhead. You are not the problem.

BishBashBoop · 06/03/2023 10:26

WovenStarfish · 05/03/2023 22:37

I put up with verbal/emotional abuse for years OP. It was just how things were & part of me didn't see that he was abusive, so I just accepted it. Leaving seems hard, but what gave me the motivation to leave was realising that if I stayed, my kids would think that I wasn't important as well. They would grow up thinking women don't deserve to be happy & that abuse is ok if it's from a partner. You can start again without him if you really want to. The feeling of being able to actually relax at home, not tread on eggshells or be abused for nothing is so good. Your freedom and wellbeing are important, as is that of your children. Please don't stay if you're not happy. Life really is too short x

They would grow up thinking women don't deserve to be happy & that abuse is ok if it's from a partner

This. I left when mine were 8 months old and 2.6 years old because I couldnt bare the thought of them being me when their older. I didnt want my son growing up thinking that's how you treated your partner and i didnt want my daughter growing up to think that's how she should be treated

We were in temporary accommodation for 2 years, it was horrible but so so worth it. My kids are so happy and so loving towards me. It wouldnt of been like that if we had stayed

Honestly OP, life is too short and you deserve to be happy x

Ourlittleharmonica · 06/03/2023 10:27

Doone21 · 06/03/2023 07:02

So you are happy to get the whole house up early on every Saturday for your precious darling but you begrudge your husband one early Sunday? I don't understand why all the other posters think that's too early for a 5year old because from what I remember they're always up at some godawful time. And while I would also be annoyed at being called names I think everyone's reaction is a bit OTT. Like they've never had an argument and been horrible or sworn before? Yeah that's likely. I'd be so thrilled at getting a day to myself with my child I'd be helping them leave early.

I spy a man child in the wild! Sometimes these man children can get jealous when an actual child comes along because they cannot handle not having every second of a woman's attention on them.

I wonder is there an element of that at play? That you are willing to take your child to her hobby but you won't take poor big moaning baby bastard to McDonald's?

The word cunt doesn't shock me, I use it daily at inanimate objects but if my DH or I ever used it in anger against each other that'd be it, neither of us would stand for that and neither should you, OP. I hope you're okay today.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 06/03/2023 10:28

Morning. So grateful people are still posting. You are right that the Mcdonalds thing is the tip of the iceberg.
Last night was pretty awful. I was expecting him back about 9:30pm, he eventually came back at 10:45pm. Could barely string a sentence together. He hands were everywhere and he was trying to hug me but it actually hurt he was squeezing my arms and ribcage hard.
Tried to go on DDs floor to sleep, he followed me, music on, singing songs lyrics in my face and talking gibberish. No idea how DD stayed asleep but she did.
He kept drinking. A couple of beers that were in the fridge, a quarter of a bottle of whiskey. My friends bought me some gin for my last birthday and half a bottle was gone within about an hour....on top of everything he's had all day.
He ordered a takeaway, it didn't arrive. He was opening the front door and shouting into the street presumably to try and find the driver, but he'd ordered something in another city in error and was having some drunken rant with the driver and woman on the phone. I had to explain to them. He still wouldn't stop the music and singing so at 1:30am I got in my car and drove around for a bit crying, stopped to calm down. Tried to sleep a bit in my car to no avail and eventually went home about 4am when he'd finally gone to bed. Although when I went up to the bedroom he was crying, eyes red saying he was having a breakdown and if I go to work he might do something. No way was I going to be blackmailed by him, I took DD to school and have gone to work. I messaged MIL asking her to drop in later if she can to see him.

I'm so tired. This is so unexpectable, and nowhere near normal behaviour. I genuinely don't know how much more I can take before I call the police on him or take DD out of the house and move out.

I'm ok, I'm safe. If I know what he's like he'll sleep all week now. Can't quite believe this was my Sunday night! Thank you all for keeping me company x

OP posts:
Ourlittleharmonica · 06/03/2023 10:33

Oh, love. I'm so sorry. Please if you can, give Al Anon a call, they'll be used to hearing stories like this and they might be able to advise you further.

I know you've said your MIL can be difficult but you're right to involve her, I'd call his sister too regardless of how close you are.

I hope you have someone you can talk to IRL x

pontipinemum · 06/03/2023 10:37

Oh my god it sounds like you have had an awful night.

Have you spoken to him about his drinking before? He needs to know that how he behaved is not acceptable.

He very well may be having a break down, but alcohol will never ever help with that. I think you were right to involve your MIL, you don't need to go through this alone.

Doone21 · 06/03/2023 10:43

Typical assumption because I disagree with some of you. No I'm happily married and a woman thank you

I didnt mean to imply getting abuse is ok but everyone fights occasionally. I have to admit though that my 1st husband used to use that word to me and he is no longer . You can hardly grasp the complexity of one person's relationship through a single post. If he's saying that all the time then yes it's a problem, if he's saying that one time because they're arguing and she's being a bitch then so what? Some people use that word constantly, some of them are women. It's just a word.

Beaverbridge · 06/03/2023 10:48

Dear lord, how awful lovey. Get his mother involved, why should you have to live like this you and your daughter. He sounds insane 💐. X.

MeridianB · 06/03/2023 10:48

Oh no. How awful for you.

It sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. That’s no excuse for his behaviour though. He will have to truly want to address this for things to change, so please weigh your options and put yourself and your DD first.

Axahooxa · 06/03/2023 10:48

@Doone21 have you read all of OP’s posts? I think most of us are picking up more than appeared in the first post.

isthismylifenow · 06/03/2023 10:48

Oh OP. I am so sorry to read your update, but I am not sure why I am too surprised by what you have already said.

As I was reading about him crying and the 'breakdown' ( I do not want to dismiss any MH issues if any), but we have a name for this behaviour, but its in another language so not point me saying it, but it is a thing.

But it is also very possible that he realized that you left, and this was his reaction.

I do somehow think this just may be the cherry on the top for you. What about suggesting he move in with his sister for a bit so that you can clear your head. So he is going to lay about for a whole week in recovery ...this would infuriate me even more.

billy1966 · 06/03/2023 10:48

God help you.
What an existence.

Please seek help.

Axahooxa · 06/03/2023 10:58

@reddwarfgeek if you go back there, you’re not safe. Neither is your daughter. You need to take drastic action to leave ASAP.

Mercy1968 · 06/03/2023 11:01

I really hope there's not a next time OP and I don't say this lightly but if there ever is and you feel unsafe then call the police.

Explain what's happening and there's a child in the house and they will remove him for the night. You shouldn't be driving around crying and trying to sleep in a cold car.

Calling you a cunt is awful. How dare he? You and dd deserve a better happier life.

Without going into details I have lived with some of this, the drunken nights of music and shouting and worry about the dc hearing or the neighbours complaining and although I m happy and safe now I still can't hear certain songs or loud music Without feeling absolutely sick and shaky. Nor can I tolerate nasty drunks.

Get rid. Be happy.

Situaciones · 06/03/2023 11:02

He needs to leave while he sorts himself out. He needs to get sober and sort out his mental health. He can't put you and the child through that.

Happierwithouthim · 06/03/2023 11:10

reddwarfgeek · 06/03/2023 10:28

Morning. So grateful people are still posting. You are right that the Mcdonalds thing is the tip of the iceberg.
Last night was pretty awful. I was expecting him back about 9:30pm, he eventually came back at 10:45pm. Could barely string a sentence together. He hands were everywhere and he was trying to hug me but it actually hurt he was squeezing my arms and ribcage hard.
Tried to go on DDs floor to sleep, he followed me, music on, singing songs lyrics in my face and talking gibberish. No idea how DD stayed asleep but she did.
He kept drinking. A couple of beers that were in the fridge, a quarter of a bottle of whiskey. My friends bought me some gin for my last birthday and half a bottle was gone within about an hour....on top of everything he's had all day.
He ordered a takeaway, it didn't arrive. He was opening the front door and shouting into the street presumably to try and find the driver, but he'd ordered something in another city in error and was having some drunken rant with the driver and woman on the phone. I had to explain to them. He still wouldn't stop the music and singing so at 1:30am I got in my car and drove around for a bit crying, stopped to calm down. Tried to sleep a bit in my car to no avail and eventually went home about 4am when he'd finally gone to bed. Although when I went up to the bedroom he was crying, eyes red saying he was having a breakdown and if I go to work he might do something. No way was I going to be blackmailed by him, I took DD to school and have gone to work. I messaged MIL asking her to drop in later if she can to see him.

I'm so tired. This is so unexpectable, and nowhere near normal behaviour. I genuinely don't know how much more I can take before I call the police on him or take DD out of the house and move out.

I'm ok, I'm safe. If I know what he's like he'll sleep all week now. Can't quite believe this was my Sunday night! Thank you all for keeping me company x

Prior to reading this last post of yours OP I was thinking LTB but that post confirms it for sure, and I think you know it too. Just because you feel you are not in physical danger doesn't mean you should stand for this. I am proud of you for not giving in to the blackmail and still going to work today.

Were you concerned for your daughters safety when you left during the night? I'm not getting at you for doing it, just wondering how he is with your daughter.

The crying is typical narcisstic behaviour.

Do the freedom programme either online or in person it will open your eyes to acceptable behaviour.

Chestnutlover · 06/03/2023 11:12

The crying is typical with abuse. They have remorse/ self pity. This is a tactic to reel you back in. The threats are typical too. Both abusive relationships I had were the same. “If you leave I’ll…”
His MH is NOT more important than yours or your child’s. Plus It sounds like he has an alcohol problem - no one deserves to be around that, awful. I’m so sorry.