Sunday morning lifts and bloody McDonald's

[reddwarfgeek]

Just a rant really.
My partner is going to away football to tomorrow. He'll be out of the house all day from 8am to 9pm. He's asked me for a lift to the train station, but not content with that he wants to go via McDonald's for a breakfast. It's slightly out of the way and will mean leaving house at 7:30am to get an 8:45am train, thus adding extra time on, probably means get up at 6:30am. I know that isn't that early for some people but I work 4 days and we have an early start Saturdays for DDs hobby. Sunday is the only day we have that's more relaxing. I have to get DD (5) sorted up and dressed etc.
He said the reason he wants to go to McDonald's is he won't have any other chance to eat anything all day! I find this hard to believe! The train journey is long but what about the other 10 hours? Anyway, we had a big argument and he said I'm a moaning cunt and that I'm making him drink on an empty stomach. Aww ..didums! 13 hours free time on a Sunday apparently isn't enough 🙈 it all seems a bit ungrateful.

I've no issue with the lift I just don't want to go to McDonald's at 8am on a Sunday morning thus likely making us late. The one nearby has issues with being short staffed and getting orders wrong, so I've no doubt it wouldn't be straightforward. We do have food in the house to eat for breakfast, he just doesn't want it.
AIBU?

What a disgusting character OP. Bloody alcohol yet again has a lot to answer for too.

Please, please, please don't bring your child up in a house like this.
I was brought up in a house like this and ended up with complex PTSD which has destroyed my whole life.
I am unable to have normal relationships and even on medication have incredibly dark days. Do you want that for your daughter? Life is hard enough without being "gifted" unbearable mental illness.

Kindly OP, you daugther is 5. Changing schools is going to be a walk in the park vs living with an abusive alcoholic dad in terms of trauma and impact.

Op It's a bad day when your MIL is telling you it's no way for you to live. Would MIL help you get him out the house?
Listen to her.

Failing that don't worry about schools for your DD she is so young and kids make friends very quickly at that age and their friendship groups are very fluid.

Get womans aid they will help, they do so much more than just provide shelters.
I can't even think how much money he must have spent on his bender but I bet you don't have £200 or £300 to throw about on a day out and miss a day off work.

Op did he grow up in an abusive house? Because his mum and sister are coming across as alright.

Get a macdinalds delivery and just take your kid in their ojs however..... sod it all with the name calling! Disrespectful

@Sugarfree23 MIL understands and knows what he is like but he is still her son, she knows he loves his home and has nowhere else to go unfortunately.

Yes he earns good money (somewhat surprisingly) and throws money about very easily. He always says 'you can do that when you have only 1 child'. I'm relieved I haven't had more children with him!

And...sort of. His mum and dad divorced when he was young. She kicked FIL out for drinking and gambling, but he had a flat to go to he still had from before they were married...not sure on specifics.
They are alright, they wouldn't put up with this. I think that's why they don't offer to take him in 😐

get out now while you are safe. Present to local housing office as homeless. You are entitled to 1/2 of everything, take photos of evidence of earnings etc. Don’t look back and be safe.I don’t want to read a story about you in the news, I’m not exaggerating xx big hugs you can do this.

She kicked FIL out for drinking and gambling

Like father like son. MIL sounds like she'd be a support to you. Even if she won't take him in. Break the cycle for your DD. Would MIL be happy to have you and DD short term?

I agree with speaking with the council about housing but I keep saying it Woman Aid, they helped my friend so much, in getting away from her abusive ex Including advocating for her with the council and help with sorting custody for their DD.
My friend never felt the need to go to a hostel, but stayed with her ex until a council house became available.

You deserve better than this.

You could move out and possibly claim housing benefit. Please don’t wait until you’ve saved money up. I also agree - photocopy his tax returns so he can’t screw you for maintenance. Women’s aid can help you.

Right, so you’ve got MIL onside. She understands; she’s been through this. She might not take in your partner BUT she isn’t going to be your enemy here, and she will want what’s best for her granddaughter. I would go round and have a heart to heart with her. Ask her what she suggests. She may have ideas or suggestions you’ve not thought of.

Secondly, absolutely ring Women’s Aid and talk to them. You don’t have to run off to a hostel, they can help you in all sorts of ways. Start the conversation with them, it will give you strength.

Thirdly - and actually this is paramount and should be your first action - photograph any bank statements/invoices/anything that shows your partner’s income. Do this asap.

I think you’ve reached a turning point here op. Once you start to imagine a life without him, you can make it happen. Grit your teeth and push on with it. Don’t wait. We are here and there is always someone to talk to and hold your hand on MN.

Can you speak to a solicitor OP? Get evidence like the PP said- photos of absolutely everything finance related. Especially important as he is self employed - easier to hide earnings.

This is not a good man OP. Get out now.

is the house in both your names op-if it isnt and just his leave now you wont get anything anyway

you can still leave and force a sale down the line if your name is on it but you need to be away from this person asap

The McDonald’s is not the issue. The issue is that he called you a c*.

I might have forgotten if you said earlier in the thread, but has there ever been a conversation about his behaviour/you wanting to leave?

Just wondering if he would be willing to go to his sisters for a few days to give you some space if he thought he might have a chance of saving the relationship.

To be clear, I don't think the relationship should be saved, but I do think you could do with him our of the way while you explore options!

Hi, thanks for all the replies!
He wouldn't go to MILs as she lives in retirement accommodation and apart from anything else it's not allowed.
He won't go to his sister's ..they are TTC and in a difficult place so I'd never ask and they'd never volunteer.
The main issue is that he doesn't think he should go anywhere! He earns good money, pays the bills and this is his house...according to him and he can do what he likes 😔🙄 by the way, the house is in both our names. I'm not sure if I made it clear though that we never married, so this may put me in a difficult position financially?

Since Sunday night he's been mainly sleeping and avoiding me, barely speaking. Never an apology, he just avoids me. He's going to a party at the weekend, thus the cycle continues.
I'm so sick of him, waste of space.

Financially he'll still have to pay maintenance and support your DD.

If the house is jointly owned. Then I guess the question is can either if you buy the other out?

It sounds like you've made you mind up it's over, you just need to figure out how you go about separation.

Move out and rent. Worry about getting your money back from the house later.

I think up thread Op said she didn't have money to rent.

Op please seek help from Womans Aid, you need a wee bit of support to get out of that house.
They can help with all sorts of stuff including finding good lawyers

house Is in both names so legally will be half yours unless you specifically did it with percentages (me and my husband did ours 30/70% because It was mine before I met him & placed a huge deposit.)
You also have the child so he’ll have to pay maintenance.
seek legal advice, call and ask how long you get free, I think it’s half an hour.
I would also seek advice about domestic abuse… just because he doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean it’s not abusive.
I think you need to tell him that you’re not happy with his drinking and that he’s killing your relationship! It’s not acceptable that he expects lifts that involve getting a child up….
my ex husband used to call me drunk at all hours wanting lifts, this was fine when we were child free… but when I was pregnant and throwing up unable to work or drive and he STILL went out drinking and STILL expected a lift home I simply told him things had to change! I got texts one night after refusing to pick him up saying how he was walking home and might get hit by a car and end up in a ditch. ‘Whatever’…. No thought for me driving 8 1/2 months pregnant, as sick as a dog etc… I think I may’ve even text back saying ‘and if I crash driving across the forest to get you?!’
I later found out he’d been offered several lifts home but wanted to stay later and drink more! I found that the biggest insult! Most men would be happy to go home to their heavily/due any-day wife.. not to mention being too pissed to drive me had I gone into labour. Men can be selfish pricks! I wasted 12 more years with him!
Don’t put up and shut up!!

Get a big bolt for the door and fit it Ince he leaves for the party... after all you might be a bit scared on your qin at night.. especially with some drunk idiot about.

He won't change.

His family won’t have him there because whilst he’s doing all this in your home he isn’t their problem. Hes a fucking scumbag OP, I hope you manage to get some proper legal advise for the house. You and your child deserve better

Use the time he’s at the party to get organised .
Make photo copies of all important documents and his tax returns. Take them to a family members house or your work, and take your child’s passports.
call womens aid. You can use this time to get help.

If you’re not married it’s ok as long as the house is in both your names so you should be ok. Perhaps he can buy you out and you can start again. Some men like this turn violent when the woman threatens to leave so please be careful. It may be better to leave yourself if you can not trust him.

Op your children Trump all.but at 5,my god a change in school will be nothing.