Sunday morning lifts and bloody McDonald's

[reddwarfgeek]

Just a rant really.
My partner is going to away football to tomorrow. He'll be out of the house all day from 8am to 9pm. He's asked me for a lift to the train station, but not content with that he wants to go via McDonald's for a breakfast. It's slightly out of the way and will mean leaving house at 7:30am to get an 8:45am train, thus adding extra time on, probably means get up at 6:30am. I know that isn't that early for some people but I work 4 days and we have an early start Saturdays for DDs hobby. Sunday is the only day we have that's more relaxing. I have to get DD (5) sorted up and dressed etc.
He said the reason he wants to go to McDonald's is he won't have any other chance to eat anything all day! I find this hard to believe! The train journey is long but what about the other 10 hours? Anyway, we had a big argument and he said I'm a moaning cunt and that I'm making him drink on an empty stomach. Aww ..didums! 13 hours free time on a Sunday apparently isn't enough 🙈 it all seems a bit ungrateful.

I've no issue with the lift I just don't want to go to McDonald's at 8am on a Sunday morning thus likely making us late. The one nearby has issues with being short staffed and getting orders wrong, so I've no doubt it wouldn't be straightforward. We do have food in the house to eat for breakfast, he just doesn't want it.
AIBU?

Didn’t he have to go to work today?

he sounds absolutely revolting OP. Revolting.

He WFH and works for himself (not a trade) so can keep his lazy arse in bed all day if he wants to (bar maybe an hour of meetings) whilst I have a 60 mile round commute on 2 hours sleep. Maddening.

Oh dear. Poor you going through all this - so sorry it's so bad.
Obviously a lot of people on here are genuinely concerned for you. I hope that's helping you a tiny bit.
You need people helping where you are too.
Women's Aid/So Anon as already suggested.
The situation seems to be escalating/deteriorating very rapidly.
I think you could be in real danger soon.
Please pack a bag in case you have to run.
Please don't hesitate to call the police.
So many people care about you on here.You need people who care about you there.
You sound very strong - even if you don't feel it.
I'm thinking of you so much, and hoping you and your child will be safe very soon.

Sounds like he’s a bully and an abuser , I have dealt with lots of idiots like him for domestic violence all status with controlling and abusive behaviour .

I wouldn't even go to the fridge for a man like this. Yuck.

He would hurt your DD and he already has:

• They don't have a great relationship because he's too pissed / hungover to be emotionally available to her.

• She overhears him shouting at you and calling you a moaning cunt.

• He bangs about to punish you for not doing as he wanted when she is in the house.

• He makes sarcastic comments to belittle you for not doing as he wanted when she is in the house.

• He blunders into her bedroom drunk - she might have been asleep this time, but she won't be every time.

• He tried to grope you and hurt you while "hugging" you while she was in the house.

• You're tired and will probably be feeling like a less than stellar parent in these circumstances.

He doesn't have to hit her to hurt her. Hurting you is harmful to her, him being emotionally unavailable is harmful to her, being abusive to you in front of her is harmful to her, being exposed to parental conflict is harmful to her. The banging about and abuse to you will teach her to walk on eggshells too. Sending supportive thoughts your way. I hope you can find a way to get you and DD to safety. Please don't think this is "less than" because he hasn't yet hit you.

The not leaving the property has to do with possession. It's easier to claim possession over something if you are there, and to prove that you need to have the marital home. That might be worth sticking to in a normal relationship breakdown, but when there is abuse you should value the safety and wellbeing of you and your daughter above that IMO. You should talk to a lawyer asap.

@reddwarfgeek

You need to accept 'down to your toes' that you don't have to put up with his shit. It doesn't matter if he does this once a week or once a year, it's totally unacceptable to in essence 'terrorize' your wife and child. I know, I'm being hyperbolic, but I want to really impress it on you how wrong his behaviour is. Not just his drunken arseholiness, but his disrespect for you and his entitled behavior.

As far as the house and you being the one to leave, you do what you must to keep your sanity and keep yourself and your DD safe. A friend left and said "A house is just bricks and sticks. I can find another house, but I only have one life and I won't live like this anymore". Your best bet is to see a solicitor and get professional advice.

As far as his 'antics', if he's following you around and harassing you I'd call the police myself, every single time. If they don't remove him, at least you'd have some sort of record that the police told you to leave for the night. That could start the ball rolling towards gathering proof of why you 'had to move out' as far as keeping the house, if it comes down to that.

I'd also put a lock on DD's door so he can't follow you in there. There are temporary locks you can buy that are for hotel doors, they'll stop him from opening the door and since they're temporary you don't have to worry about DD locking herself in.

OP, if you are commuting that distance to work could you not move closer to there (further away from him) and save lots of time/ expenses, might make things easier.

I told myself that my 'DP' of 29 years would never hurt my DD. That his threats, abuse, emotional blackmail, breaking things, punching near me, screaming, swearing, scaring and sabotaging every positive day in our lives were only affecting me. Because I was hiding it all so well and getting DD out of the house before things escalated each time. I also told myself that it wasn't real domestic violence because I had very rarely been 'properly' hurt.

I was lying to myself and robbing both DD and me of a safe and loving family home. And he did turn on her in the end. It was the last time he was ever in our home and I got to them before he could do anything more than scream and reach for her but it was enough to terrify her and I will never get the expression on her face out of my head for as long as I live. I dearly hope you will find the strength and support to get out before any further incidents occur💐

OP, your little girl will know and hear so much more than you realise. Both my parents were alcoholics, my Mum was awful, I used to hear her shouting and screaming and staggering banging into things when I was in bed. One night she collapsed in the bathroom and I was 6, I was terrified and went to a neighbours for help. I'm 50 now and remember the horrible things so vividly. Leave ASAP xxx

Red, if you saw a man in the street slurring and singing, very drunk and unpredictable, you'd take DD and cross the road. You'd avoid him. You'd be concerned.

But that behaviour was in her bedroom last night. And her father, who should protect and love her, was the cause. I've seen drunks in the street apologise to children because they realise their behaviour shouldn't impact children. But yours carries on.

I believe he is a danger to you and your DD. Please make a plan to keep you and DD safe.

That's a little OTT. But I am confused entirely. There is food in the house for breakfast, so why does he not do himself bacon, eggs, beans, toast etc, take ditto up for wife, if she wants breakfast then, or just tea or coffee? MacDonalds is junk food - and addictive, he should not be eating it, really. Also, if you are getting to MacD's at 8 a.m. and the train is at 8.45 I don't see how he is catching the train. Skip MacD or let him take a taxi.

Please call womens aid and make a plan to leave. Get your passports and bank details etc safe at someone elses house or your workplace. Tell your boss.
you are right it’s often best to stay in a house when breaking up a relationship but not when youre at risk. The hugging thing last night sounds on the verge of him attacking you. Where was your daughter when you were in the car? He cant be left with her he’s not a responsible adult. He sounds
very aggressive too. Please don’t wait for him to do something again before going to the police.

Grammarnut.
Stick with grammar.
You're.way behind on anything else.

Please copy all his business accounts and tax returns, along with all other financial documentation, and go and see an experienced family solicitor. 2 things to bear in mind:

Self employed men often try to hide their earnings/cook the books etc so they don't have to pay the maintenance that is otherwise due.

Pensions are a valuable asset and can be worth more than n home equity.

But you need to get out of this miserable and dangerous situation without delay.

@reddwarfgeek it's no way to live.
Please get professional help - Womans Aid, solicitor.
Also, as other posters including @Lookitsmeagain have suggested, inform your local police.

Did you leave your dd asleep when you went for a drive ?
That's not wise as he could set the place on fire if he decided, when drunk, to cook something for himself or have a smoke or he might hurt your dd to get back at you.

Yeo, also can't believe you left your DD with your H in this state (if that is what happened). Security concerns aside, what if she had woken with him in such a state? She would have been petrified I assume. The fact you felt the need to do that is telling of your ability to protect your DD from this.

His behaviour is unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable.

I cannot believe how every woman in his life is supposed to enable his hideous behaviour - you and your daughter getting up early and putting up with that awful behaviour then his sister driving him around to the station because he’s too tight to get a taxi. I think you should all tell him to get lost frankly.

What a hopeless waster he is. It’s time for a change.

OP you and your H are clearly surrounded by enablers who don’t see this for the shocking and dangerous situation that we see. The longer you stay the more likely that your DD will end up living in a situation like this or as an alcoholic herself.

Find strength, reach out for support and leave. You can do this.

Wow! Anyone calling me a cunt for ANY reason (excepting 'throes-of-passion' gobbledygook) gets a length of 2-by-4 judiciously applied to be their most sensitive area! NO EXCEPTIONS APART FROM DIRTY TALK!

I think you and your child deserve much much better than this. Hugs.

he is hurting your daughter. and it will ruin her.because her future begins here. and its literally being ruined every second she stay in that house.

He still wouldn't stop the music and singing so at 1:30am I got in my car and drove around for a bit crying, stopped to calm down. Tried to sleep a bit in my car to no avail and eventually went home about 4am when he'd finally gone to bed.

That sounds absolutely horrendous OP but where was your daughter while you were out in the car?

Agree with pp who said you should call the police if it happens again.

Thanks everyone for the support. Still reading everything.

@Thatnoyourshirt I left DD in bed. She is 5 and never usually wakes. I know it was bad to do this and aware it wasn't my finest hour. I won't do it again, next time I'm calling the police.

Partner looks like shit today and yesterday, eyes rolling round in the back of his head, spent most of yesterday sleeping and didn't acknowledge me apart from giving me the fingers🙄

I've been in touch with MIL, she says this is no way for us to live.
I've been looking at flats but I need to save some money up. I really want to go through with leaving but he will make my life hell, he is the type to use DD against me and if he found out where we were he'd never leave us alone in peace.
This does scare me but I really want to leave him. I don't want to uproot school etc for DD, I wish he'd just leave or at the very least bugger off for a couple of weeks.