AIBU to ask for alternatives to toxic old MN

[FannyBawz]

I’ve been here 15 years and just find it all so nasty and toxic a lot of the time. The witty responses have gradually been replaced by snidey bitchiness much of the time, honestly it’s so depressing. People get jumped on all the time for asking for support.

Thats before we get to the way that womens rights are treated plus the whole sex forum fiasco.

and sorry I am fed up with having dildos waved at me every time I sign on.

Nobody seems to give a shit really at MNHQ and they have a like it or lump it mentality to valid concerns.

I know I don’t have to stay here and So does anybody have any recommendations for other forums? I see a new one called FemVox has been set up and it looks promising.

what else is out there?

I honestly don't find it toxic. Mostly interesting and helpful in my experience anyway. I just ignore the occasional bitchy comment.

Maybe my age but I am gravitating towards Gransnet these days!

I agree with a PP, I've also been here over 20 years and the topics get very repetitive... TTC, nor wanting ILs at the birth, unhelpful DHs, SAHM vs WOHM, can't make friends, how much to spend on Christmas presents, children not invited to a wedding ....... etc etc etc. It's a real delight when the occasional original discussion starts up. .

I've just come from a thread where the op is asking for support but its really hard reading some of the nasty posts. Sometimes this place isn't very nice😟

You and others have literally said that’s what this thread is about. And this sort of nasty nitpicking shite is exactly why it’s toxic. Jesus Christ.

I think it is a bit different. The alternative to TES was created when the TES comminity site was pulled without warning, not as a site promoted as a direct alternative to here, being advertised on here, which is happening. People have even received unsolicited PMs through Mumsnet inviting them to join, so I think that's indicative of a recruitment campaign going on and using Mumsnet as a vehicle for it.

I’ve been on and off mumsnet for 12 ish years. It does get repetitive but that’s bound to happen. I am starting to get annoyed with how mumsnet deal with certain topics or rather they don’t deal with them.

I think as you get older, you get more disillusioned with people in general though so no surprise that’s happening online too. You wise up to the bullshit and realise a lot of people are toxic, they always were, you get better at recognising the behaviours and less willing to let it go.

Femvox seems good. I haven’t looked at netmums for years. I don’t really like tattle or reddit but have a little look to see what they’re saying about mumsnet. If I think I’ve spotted a troll post that others here seem to be buying into, it’s often being discussed on reddit or tattle.

This place is bitchier than flipping 4chan!

Netmums is much castigated on here but actually they’re more down to earth and realistic as rule, than the arrogant unfriendly mumsnetters who have never put a foot wrong in their entire perfect lives.

I do agree that Netmums is more real than MN.

If I were to epitomise Mumsnet it would be in the phrase, “And you had children with this man, why?”

Could there be a more disdainful, unhelpful, sanctimonious, self-congratulatory response to another woman’s pain than that?
Just belt up you evil fucking creature.

In what way? Genuine question. I used to use it when my kids were very young but haven’t looked at it in years. I may have to venture over there. 😬

Tattle can be harsh on influencers and people who behave poorly in the public eye, but there's more support on the various off topic threads than Ive seen on here in a long time. It's more like here used to be.

Isn’t it partly because you can’t name change there? So more accountability. In fact you used to have to use your real name as well I think- mine is unusual in this country so that massively put me off

Netmums is less snobby, competitive and judgemental. You’re actually allowed to be a human on there. You’re allowed to drop the ball, make a mistake, weather a crap decision or get things wrong without a parade of smart arses who have never made wrong move in their lives kicking you while you’re already down and telling you it serves you right.

I suppose it depends what the ‘wrong move’ is. I’ve definitely judged some people’s decisions and make no apology for it. Moving your new partner in with your kids after 3 months or getting a puppy when you work full time and now it’s eating your furniture sk you need to rehome it, I think people should expect to be told they’re a dickhead. 😂

It is different, @ilovesooty , but not vastly so. And in any case, weren’t you one of the posters who was arguing quite strongly for pervy PMs from men to be ignored / reported to MN?

Screwfix Forum

I'uve been on MN for 13 years now and I'm not seeing this sink of toxicity. Yes, there are some shitty posters on here - has always been the case. Yes, some of the topics are too robust and could do with being reined in a bit - but not all of them.

If a thread looks hideous, I don't engage. Meanwhile I've had a lot of interesting debates and different points of view, the long running Brexit threads are a source of in depth political analysis that is absolutely lacking in the mainstream media and although Relationships does get it wrong at times, it is also a support of support for women who would otherwise have none.

If you are unhappy on MN by all means leave; other forums are available. But don't generalise that it's all toxic and bad, because that is not true.

Sorry I don’t mean to say it’s all bad…it isn’t otherwise I wouldn’t post here. It’s varied, interesting and often intelligent too. I’ve learned a lot of new things and had my thinking changed from being on mumsnet.

It’s just…it’s just…aaahhh. Maybe I’m a bit rough or whatever but my life certainly hasn’t been as seamless as people on here claim theirs to be.
Not that I’d ever discuss it…I’d only be torn to shreds.

TBH OP

I think I use MNs slightly different to a lot of people, I go look for people who have the same type of interests or hobbies.

Recently its been pokemon go, its then normally easier to set up our own community on something like discord or reddit.

You do get a smaller number of people, you might not click in which case you are free to leave, not post, you have lost nothing, but its a bit like when it was all fields.

I have had this happen a few times now, where a new community was set up because of an interest and then grew into a good group of friends

Personally, I could do without the post deletion that comes under the "Not in the spirit of Mumsnet" banner.
What does that even mean on this forum - is it supposed to be ironic or something?

I got that slap for saying that "some topics/answers on Mumsnet make me feel like I've turned on the lights in the basement where the creatures live". It's a metaphor I used to describe the exposing of the ugly and/or strange side of things. Well, someone seems to struggle with turns of phrase enough to report and that (BBC safe! ) comment got deleted.

I mean... Really? I don't want to see anything abusive, offensive, racist or phobic on here but to get shut down randomly, is just stupid.
I don't care that some weirdo reported that but I do care that Mumsnet Mods are dim enough to automatically act on any report. The whole Sex Topic is "Not in the spirit" but hey, don't let the 2340 complaints bother you Mumsnet!

"Not in the spirit" is just too close to non-arguments used to shut up women in the wider society. I usually want to see the "Not in the spirit" comments by other posters if it's a debate topic.

Mumsnet is over-moderated generally but under-moderated where it matters.

I'll probably just go to... Offline.

Wasn't there a kind of MN copy cat website a while back? It had a very similar name and the website itself looked very similar too.

(Im not recommending it as an alternative obv as I don't know anything about it but might be worth a look if it's still around)

I do care that Mumsnet Mods are dim enough to automatically act on any report.

Of course they act on any report in that they look into it, but they don't delete everything that's reported just because it's reported. I've had a few people tell me they have reported a post of mine but it hasn't been deleted.

Some posters (not saying you're one of them) seem very surprised and outraged that they get deleted for calling people cunts, sluts, whores or fuckwits.

There are a lot of nasty people on MN and disingenuous posts. But there are also lots of lovely people here. The problem is when a thread starts getting negative comments, everyone jumps on the bandwagon and then splits in to 2 sides and it becomes war and the thread is lost. A few people have mentioned narrative experiences with MNHQ but all the times I have contacted them, they have been really helpful and quick to act. Part of the issue is that what some people perceive as rude or unkind, others don't. Just generally speaking, I do think we've become a society of people who love to be offended or outraged at someone or something. If I was giving advice to a first time poster on MN, I'd say when you ask people for advice or opinion, be prepared to hear all sides of it without being upset that a stranger on the Internet has some criticism of you.

I consider myself pretty light on the button but if I see an overt name call or direct personal attack, I'll always report it.