Page 6 | AIBU to ask for alternatives to toxic old MN

FannyBawz · 2023-03-04T16:38:33+00:00

I’ve been here 15 years and just find it all so nasty and toxic a lot of the time. The witty responses have gradually been replaced by snidey bitchiness much of the time, honestly it’s so depressing. People get jumped on all the time for asking for support. Thats before we get to the way that womens rights are treated plus the whole sex forum fiasco. and sorry I am fed up with having dildos waved at me every time I sign on. Nobody seems to give a shit really at MNHQ and they have a like it or lump it mentality to valid concerns. I know I don’t have to stay here and So does anybody have any recommendations for other forums? I see a new one called FemVox has been set up and it looks promising. what else is out there?

Ladybug14 · 05/03/2023 06:59

MissDollyMix · 04/03/2023 17:16

I tend to agree OP. Sometimes I’ll stumble across an old thread by mistake and see how different the responses are. Much more warmth and good humour. Sadly I don’t think it’s just confined to mumsnet though. I think it’s just a sign of the times. Social media is much more agressive and unpleasant across the board. Perhaps that’s a sad reflection of society today (oh I sound really old…..!)

This. It feels like I'm reading a post on a different website

However, this isn't @MNHQ s fault.

That stupid sex board, which keeps popping up willy nilly (😏) is so pathetic 🤮

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:06

This will probably anger some people here but it’s been my unfortunate experience that virtually all female dominated online forums eventually end up exactly like Mumsnet whatever their original intention.

I used to post on weddingbee and it eventually turned into the same bitchy, hive minded type of place with any opinion contrary to the majority harshly berated and disagreement often reported to mods. Also mods tend to be the biggest bullying types and that’s why they do it in the first place. The same for another forum I tried.

Its depressing but Mumsnet and similar places actually make me kind of hope the world is always run by men as I don’t think I would want to live in the mean girl atmosphere female dominated forums always seem to take on.

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:10

blueshoes · 04/03/2023 23:28

I use mn for the varied views from knowledgeable intelligent and witty women, even if robust. Not sure I want a supportive echo chamber site.

Have been on mn for ages. Dd is now in uni, so it has been that long. Time flies.

It has changed in that there are so many posters I do not recognise. Appreciate people name change. I have never seen a dildo ad and skip over threads that don't interest me. I got roasted on a thread I previously started. Honestly, it was fine. I ignored those who were rude and assumed the worst of me. I was even polite in responding. You want all views, to avoid confirmation bias.

@blueshoes

Buy Mumsnet is really an echo chamber. It’s always LTB, the man’s in the wrong and then the feminism forums are obviously all from one position and specifically preoccupied with trans stuff

Booooot · 05/03/2023 07:13

i really like Reddit. I use it a lot more than mumsnet. And men being there doesn’t bother me because I actually like men. I think mumsnet has become a massive echo chamber of “all men are abusive, perverts, rapists” etc and it’s so so unhealthy.

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:15

QueenCamilla · 04/03/2023 20:20

Personally, I could do without the post deletion that comes under the "Not in the spirit of Mumsnet" banner.
What does that even mean on this forum - is it supposed to be ironic or something?

I got that slap for saying that "some topics/answers on Mumsnet make me feel like I've turned on the lights in the basement where the creatures live". It's a metaphor I used to describe the exposing of the ugly and/or strange side of things. Well, someone seems to struggle with turns of phrase enough to report and that (BBC safe! ) comment got deleted.

I mean... Really? I don't want to see anything abusive, offensive, racist or phobic on here but to get shut down randomly, is just stupid.
I don't care that some weirdo reported that but I do care that Mumsnet Mods are dim enough to automatically act on any report. The whole Sex Topic is "Not in the spirit" but hey, don't let the 2340 complaints bother you Mumsnet!

"Not in the spirit" is just too close to non-arguments used to shut up women in the wider society. I usually want to see the "Not in the spirit" comments by other posters if it's a debate topic.

Mumsnet is over-moderated generally but under-moderated where it matters.

I'll probably just go to... Offline.

@QueenCamilla

Ime all female forums are severely over moderated and censored weirdly often just because people complain enough (or once), whereas all male dominated forums are totally under moderated and the most bizzare and horrible statements are left to stand (it’s hard to tell if some are jokes or teenage boys being shits).

Its really eye opening to see how polar opposite the two are.

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:17

Booooot · 05/03/2023 07:13

i really like Reddit. I use it a lot more than mumsnet. And men being there doesn’t bother me because I actually like men. I think mumsnet has become a massive echo chamber of “all men are abusive, perverts, rapists” etc and it’s so so unhealthy.

@Booooot

The thing about reddit is if you actually visit some of the female dominated subreddits they are actually very much like Mumsnet in their men bad, women good and heavy censorship. It’s screwed up but it seems like most female dominated forums tend to end up very mean girls and prone to deleting difference of opinion

Booooot · 05/03/2023 07:22

@ZoZoisresting totally agree. That’s why I don’t visit the female dominated parts. I use mostly subs that have a good mix of posters.

TrinnySmith · 05/03/2023 07:25

I would guess teh numbers of posters has gone up 10 fold or more - I remember when you'd wait a day or more for someone to come back on a thread and that you'd recognise the same posters usernames. It meant you weren't just dashing off a response but could think about the situation and give a more considered post.

Ilovewhippets · 05/03/2023 07:25

Meanwhile I've had a lot of interesting debates and different points of view, the long running Brexit threads are a source of in depth political analysis that is absolutely lacking in the mainstream media.

Pointythings the Brexit threads are in depth political analysis? Come on!
Anyone who isn’t a Labour voter or a remainer is seen off that site with a pile on by the regulars plus much discussion of and mocking of anyone who has a different opinion.
At least it used to be like that - I haven’t ventured there for ages but I doubt it’s changed much.

whereareallthefeckinspoons · 05/03/2023 07:26

It's the big city here and it's easy to disappear into the crowd. For good and bad.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 05/03/2023 07:26

I've been here under one name or another for a long time and the main thing that makes me angry are the posts where women are very clearly being abused in their relationships and posters (men?) come back with fucking shit like "well it's mismatched sex drives" or "I love being woken up with sex" or "you should just leave". Makes my blood boil.

pictoosh · 05/03/2023 07:28

@daretodenim I saw that thread and thought the same. That’s what I’m talking about…the disdain, the arrogance, the lack of empathy.

Now that she has consulted mumsnet, not only is she trapped in an unhappy marriage, she’s trapped in an unhappy marriage and it’s entirely her own fault.
Thanks mumsnet.

TheySeeMeRowling · 05/03/2023 07:31

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 05/03/2023 07:26

I've been here under one name or another for a long time and the main thing that makes me angry are the posts where women are very clearly being abused in their relationships and posters (men?) come back with fucking shit like "well it's mismatched sex drives" or "I love being woken up with sex" or "you should just leave". Makes my blood boil.

I genuinely never see anything like that. Can you show us these posts? And can you prove it’s men and not ‘cool wives’ or women who just like to go against the grain of the site?

Ceryneianhind · 05/03/2023 07:31

daretodenim · 05/03/2023 06:06

I have been here since 2011 and agree there's been a change. Someone above mentioned it's been since the DM etc started publishing threads here as stories. That is the best explanation I've heard as the tone of some responses here has definitely moved in the direction of the comments on the DMs website (I follow it for my work).

I also think that there are a fair few men posting posing as women, and/or people who deeply dislike mothers, who were attracted by the feminism boards - which they generally don't agree with - and stayed to aggravate on other boards.

They're just theories, but I definitely have sensed a negative change that's increased over the past year or so.

Yesterday a woman was bashed for being a SAHM of young three children, two of whom were preschool twins, and not being able to leave a relationship. Being told she doesn't deserve anything in a divorce because she's contributed nothing. Her poor DH is out working so he should get the family home and keep his money. Never mind that he also wanted her to be a SAHM and sacrifice her career to look after the kids so he could get on in his. She was spoken to like she was abusing him by being a lazy, scrounging SAHM.

It wasn't just one or two poster ms with a few posts who were roundly told to bugger off, either. They wouldn't stop with bashing her. It was appalling. I couldn't finish reading the thread. In the past you'd have a poster posting a couple of times, but they'd get drowned out.

That thread exemplified the change to me. There seems to be an increasing number of persistent and vocal posters who don't seem to understand - or even want to understand - the realities and nuances of women's lives and insist on talking over everybody else.

Do you have the link to that thread?

Most of the posts I see are,
go back to work/dont give up work, protect yourself,
childcare costs are from both parents salary,
you'll be improving your pensions and career prospects,
don't let your partner bully you

ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/03/2023 07:40

I'm with you OP.

I asked for a handhold as I was so upset after so called friends let me down on my birthday.

I got a couple of very nice and supportive replies.

But it was mostly me being slagged off, ripped apart, told "no wonder you have no friends if you cried", told to grow up and even nasty stuff said about my DD for giving me a cuddle! That I was a shit mum as well for "leaning on" my DC (literally because I said DD gave me a hug when I got home and said how upsetting it was). Oh and asking for a handhold was out of order to those who ask for such due to stuff like death. I couldn't win. Then I got told to go flounce as clearly "we don't like you here either".

I've been tempted to go to Netmums myself but don't like the lack of anonymity, but then maybe that's why so many now feel being vile to others is fine as they aren't using their identifiable name?

AuntyBrenda · 05/03/2023 07:43

FannyBawz · 04/03/2023 16:54

Haha dear old tattle.

scales kind of fell from my eyes a bit when I went on there cos apparently it’s sooooo bitcheeeeee but actually felt nicer that many bits in MN 😂

Exactly this. I was surprised too.

BourbonBon · 05/03/2023 07:46

ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/03/2023 07:40

I'm with you OP.

I asked for a handhold as I was so upset after so called friends let me down on my birthday.

I got a couple of very nice and supportive replies.

But it was mostly me being slagged off, ripped apart, told "no wonder you have no friends if you cried", told to grow up and even nasty stuff said about my DD for giving me a cuddle! That I was a shit mum as well for "leaning on" my DC (literally because I said DD gave me a hug when I got home and said how upsetting it was). Oh and asking for a handhold was out of order to those who ask for such due to stuff like death. I couldn't win. Then I got told to go flounce as clearly "we don't like you here either".

I've been tempted to go to Netmums myself but don't like the lack of anonymity, but then maybe that's why so many now feel being vile to others is fine as they aren't using their identifiable name?

Christ that’s awful. You do need a tough skin on here. Just remember people are replying to words on a screen, they don’t see a real person behind those words. Nobody would say this shit to your face.

LuckyThatMyBreastsAreSmallAndHumble · 05/03/2023 07:51

Ooo femvox looks good thanks!

(Even if I am finding it hard to say for some reason 🤣)

Zipps · 05/03/2023 07:52

I agree you need a thick skin nowadays. I've been on here years, had lots of user names, and it wasn't quite as bad as it is now. At least there is less fawning over MN 'royalty' than before. Don't let anyone intimidate you there's still some good advice and fun to be had.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/03/2023 07:54

BourbonBon · 05/03/2023 07:46

Christ that’s awful. You do need a tough skin on here. Just remember people are replying to words on a screen, they don’t see a real person behind those words. Nobody would say this shit to your face.

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Oh I agree, you know they're the sort of person in the real world who avoid confrontation and don't speak up.

It was so upsetting at the time though as I was so down.

I was quite shocked that HQ did nothing to step in though.

I also agree with PP who said about the whole "LTB" thing. It's not always possible. I was in a hugely abusive relationship before meeting DH, I had no family and he was financially abusive and controlling (before we knew that was a thing or was recognised by the police). I couldn't have left, I had nowhere to leave to. I didn't tell friends because I was ashamed. So I stayed and I'm sure if MN had of been around then, I would have been told how wet I was and to leave.

LuckyThatMyBreastsAreSmallAndHumble · 05/03/2023 07:56

FannyBawz · 04/03/2023 17:20

@MissDollyMix you’re right, I never thought that it might simply be that everybody is more abrasive now. But I am not particularly abrasive myself and the nastiness on here can sometimes be quite twitteresque.

And also I am in my 40s now and don’t want to deal with a bunch of aggressive strangers so it probably bothers me more than it used to as well, to be fair.

The numbers of younger women with no kids and men seem to have affected the tone op. So not Mums. As the site was intended.

EdieLedwell · 05/03/2023 07:56

I've been her since 2007. I agree with you OP. I mostly lurk now and post on the TV page.

I recently had a poster constantly post a lengthy diatribe at me, demanding I read it and follow all the links before I posted another word. I refused and she just kept posting it at me with "proves you know you're wrong then"

It was exhausting.

StarDolphins · 05/03/2023 07:59

QuitsAmidCrisis · 05/03/2023 06:18

So essentially menopausal women don’t get jokes, are not lovely and helpful and are unhappy? Criticising all menopausal women is an incredibly bitchy thing to do. Who needs men to disparage women when women can do it to themselves so well.

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Where did I say menopausal women aren’t lovely & get jokes?

I am menopausal & I certainly get jokes & am lovely.

I can all be extremely grouchy but I wouldn’t inflict that on here when people are asking for help.

You’re entitled to your opinion, as am I!

Dobby123456 · 05/03/2023 07:59

I always regret starting a thread. People twist what I've said or get sarcy. I get really triggered and lose control of the thread. It seems I'm really triggered by people criticising my parenting, so at least I've figured that out.

ReneBumsWombats · 05/03/2023 08:06

StarDolphins · 05/03/2023 07:59

Where did I say menopausal women aren’t lovely & get jokes?

I am menopausal & I certainly get jokes & am lovely.

I can all be extremely grouchy but I wouldn’t inflict that on here when people are asking for help.

You’re entitled to your opinion, as am I!

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2. The ones that think they’re far superior, are menopausal, don’t get jokes, have to be warned ‘it’s lighthearted’, unhappy in their lives ones.

You literally quoted yourself saying it.