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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 04/03/2023 05:42

Does your husband work? If so and he takes three weeks off to accompany you to Japan, will that mean all his annual leave is used up and you won't be able to go on holiday together? I'd say no for that reason alone.

It'll also be weird if you have dinners with your colleagues in the evening etc and he is hanging around.

I accompanied my ex on a business trip once and enjoyed the spa at the hotel. I did actually attend a dinner with him and I might have been the only partner there. But it was two days in Scotland, not three weeks in Japan.

If your husband really wants to visit Japan maybe he could fly out a day or two before the end of your trip and recover from his jet lag in your hotel room, and then you could stay on together for a week or so and actually do some sight seeing. Obviously you'd have to pay for your own accommodation, but it would still be a slightly cheaper holiday as you would only have one flight to pay for. Is that an option?

Jooliusreezer · 04/03/2023 05:43

A jealous, insecure and threatened husband tagging along will not do you any good at all. And if he doesn’t understand that, it’s probably why you’re Theo me in the professional role warning four times the amount he does.

Jooliusreezer · 04/03/2023 05:44

The one*
earning*

ReliantRobyn · 04/03/2023 05:47

Big problems in little China!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 04/03/2023 05:55

Are you able to add a holiday on the end and have your husband come and join for that?

Shoxfordian · 04/03/2023 05:57

Why would you want someone who doesn’t trust you to come join you for a holiday? He sounds insecure and pathetic.

FlipFlopBattle · 04/03/2023 05:57

I worked in Tokyo for a year, so a few practical points to consider:

Don't count on a hotel room suitable for a couple. For a 3-week stay, you could be booked into a catered capsule or studio, popular for longer business trips, with a single/ queen bed.

It is the norm for colleagues to socialise fairly often after work, usually plans decided by senior staff and everyone is expected to join.

It is however far less common to mix work and personal life, so it would be (even) more unusual for a spouse to tag along than in the US or UK.

Unless he's an experienced solo traveller and has some concept of spending all day every day alone in a place where he can understand or read very little, he's likely to find it extremely lonely.

Tokyo summers are HUMID! June isn't yet the peak, but it may already be uncomfortable to mooch around all day, more of a dash between air conditioned places.

Anyotherdude · 04/03/2023 06:10

My DH often comes along when I’m on a work trip - but he’ll join me on the last day of it and we’ll spend a few days after, exploring whichever country we are in. My work doesn’t mind if I arrange a flight back for a few days later than the meeting planned - in fact they encourage us to take the time to explore the countries in which they operate! Could you arrange for a few extra days at the end of your trip and your DH join you so that you both get the opportunity to sightsee?

BlueHeelers · 04/03/2023 06:58

No, YANBU.

Aweek away, maybe he could tag along and do his own thing, but for 3 weeks? You’ll be living in a hotel room and you’ll need to be working long hours - it would become claustrophobic for you - well, I’d find it so.

What about you both taking 5 days holiday at the end of your work trip and he joins you and you both take time out to be tourists?

BlueHeelers · 04/03/2023 07:01

Just read your follow up post. He sounds very insecure. No way would I want him there.

Barnowl25 · 04/03/2023 07:01

I've tagged along with DH a couple of times on work trips pre children. But he wasn't going as a group, just him. We then added 7/10 days at the end. I did my own thing when he was at work- had a great time. USA, Sri Lanka, Oman, Istanbul. A great opportunity for him assuming he isn't doing it as a control/checking up on you thing.

Deathraystare · 04/03/2023 07:16

If he would be happy to do his own thing. Venture out on his own then ok but if you are going out with colleagues of an evening is he likely to have his nose up against the restaurant window looking rather pathetic or get sulky when a meeting overuns?

If he is the sort to please himself and organise trips/sightseeing on his own?

rainbowstardrops · 04/03/2023 07:29

He's sulking, jealous of your job and you don't think he trusts you? Nope, I wouldn't let him tag along!

Blanca87 · 04/03/2023 07:35

So I’m assuming he would want you to pay for the pleasure of him tagging along, calling you all the time , harangue you about when he can meet you. Why doesn’t he trust you? Is he insecure? Why wasn’t he working?

BIWI · 04/03/2023 07:38

Having read your second post @chilledegg then I think I'd be quite concerned if I were you.

First, being realistic, if your DH has only been in his new role for a few months, I'd suspect there's very little chance he'd be granted (or even qualify for) three weeks off.

But second, why does he want to come? Has he actually been able to articulate this - especially when you've explained the hours you will be working? I think you're right and this is about jealousy and trust.

Nothing wrong with him wanting to join you for a few days, but that should be afterwards and not during.

Igniteyourbones · 04/03/2023 07:45

Pre-children I went with my husband on a few of his work trips abroad. Never considered it might be weird, neither did my husband. His trip was fully funded by work, so I could stay in his hotel room for free. Just had to pay for my own flight. I’m pretty happy in my own company, would explore the city on my own during the day and then go for dinner with my husband in the evening. A great way to see the world on the cheap! Could he come for 1 week out if the three, so as not to disrupt your work?

Igniteyourbones · 04/03/2023 07:48

I forgot to add that on a couple of occasions his work even paid for my flight! They had a policy where if he qualified for a business class flight, he could swap it for 2 economy flights in order to bring a spouse.

NameChangeFor2023 · 04/03/2023 07:53

My mum would go sometimes with my dad. And me, too.

I would be going if it was my husband, and vice versa, if we could work it out.

I frequently help book for the wife of my colleague who I book travel for (give her the details) so they can have a little holiday around work.

I can understand if you don't want him there, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask/want to go.

baffledcoconut · 04/03/2023 07:54

He sounds like he doesn’t entirely like you earning more/having a high flying career.

My husbands work is happy for us to have an apartment rather than a hotel room- it’s cheaper for them and means they can get him to stay away longer as he’s essentially ‘home’ perks of the job! If it’s a solo trip, then there is a long shopping list sent too 😂

Aprilx · 04/03/2023 07:55

DH and I have in the past travelled overseas for work but we have never gone on each others trips. I don’t think it is inappropriate though and I did think about it once, I knew that I would be on my own during the day and probably some evenings as well and was fine with that. If DH was going to Japan for three weeks I think we would discuss me going along too, although probably not for the whole time. I’d think it was a bit mean if he said no.

Lots of colleagues have done overseas trips too and generally, everyone travels alone, but sometimes a husband or wife would come along and nobody thinks it is weird or because there is no trust.

C4tastrophe · 04/03/2023 07:56

@RosaBonheur exactly.

Aprilx · 04/03/2023 07:57

BIWI · 04/03/2023 07:38

Having read your second post @chilledegg then I think I'd be quite concerned if I were you.

First, being realistic, if your DH has only been in his new role for a few months, I'd suspect there's very little chance he'd be granted (or even qualify for) three weeks off.

But second, why does he want to come? Has he actually been able to articulate this - especially when you've explained the hours you will be working? I think you're right and this is about jealousy and trust.

Nothing wrong with him wanting to join you for a few days, but that should be afterwards and not during.

Why would he want to come?

Err because it is a beautiful and interesting country and this is a way of getting a cheap holiday!

BIWI · 04/03/2023 07:59

Well yes, I know that @Aprilx! But it sounds, from the OP, that there's more to it than just him wanting a cheap holiday.

Plus the fact that the OP Isn't on holiday - she's there to work. And doesn't need to be worrying about dealing with a partner who sounds like he'll be sulking if she's not there for him.

Chias · 04/03/2023 08:03

I don’t think he would enjoy it. Japan is great but quite hard work to be a tourist in, especially if you on your own and not able to speak Japanese. It isn’t a wander around the sites and sit in cafes kind of place.

tiggergoesbounce · 04/03/2023 08:05

Dh would definitely invite me along for the last week or so if he was away somewhere for 3 weeks, as i would him.

But we both understand it's for work and understand all that comes with that.