Page 8 | DH thinks he should come on my work trip

chilledegg · 2023-03-03T20:32:11+00:00

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5. I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June. He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday. My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too. None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

SqueakyDinosaur · 04/03/2023 00:34

I agree @Catspyjamas17 - having worked as a consultant for approximately 45 centuries, 4 nights a week in proximity to my colleagues (i.e. not necessarily even spending time with them) was more than enough, week in week out. Generally I tried to do Monday only meeting people who were genuinely friends as well as colleagues, Tues/Weds as one night of socialising and one of doing something I wanted to do (e.g. theatre/concert), and Thursday if anyone could be arsed to organise something I'd do it, otherwise hotel mooching.

fizzandchips · 04/03/2023 00:35

After reading your update
Please don’t let him sabotage your career

newjobnewstartihope · 04/03/2023 00:37

ZiriForEver · 04/03/2023 00:13

Nothing generally unprofessional or inappropriate, actually it is slightly encouraged for longer stays at my job. I did it and it worked well.

However, you don't want him to come, so that's it.

Doesn't sound anything to do with her 'not wanting him' there
Sounds like she is being totally professional and doesn't want a jealous whiny man child tagging along who will inevitably do the 'I've hardly seen you' rubbish and make the OP feel conflicted . It's not worth it

Companyofwolves · 04/03/2023 00:41

He’s putting you in a really difficult position. It’s not realistic as you will feel torn & he will be lonely occupying himself & when you need to chill out after work he will want to do things. It’s possible depending on the nature of your work that you may have to socialise after hours & this will create conflict. It’s great in theory for him to go but not in practise. He’s BU not to talk to you. It’s a fact of your work & it’s a work trip not a holiday. His behaviour about it smacks of fear of you being away & what you could possibly do rather than a desire to share in & respect your experience /situation.

Blogswife · 04/03/2023 00:52

You are absolutely NBU. Having your DH tag along will cause you embarrassment , stress and massively cramp your style . You’ll be constantly thinking you need to get back to the him when really you need to be with your colleagues
I’d say in no uncertain terms that he can’t come and if he insists then make sure he books his own flight, gets his own hotel , leaves you alone whilst working and doesn’t rely on you for entertainment!

SillyOldBear3 · 04/03/2023 00:52

The introvert in me is wondering how on earth someone could spend 12 hrs a day with colleagues, for 3 weeks... My idea of hell!

Depends entirely on your OH's personality. Would he be happy to explore on his own every day and potentially not see you til late at night? If yes, I see absolutely no issue! (As long as your work is fine with it).

CremeEggQueen · 04/03/2023 01:09

How would that even work, anyway?
I mean, they'd be off doing work related stuff, in the zone so to speak, what are you supposed to be doing?
Few cocktails at a bar by yoursel?
Solo dinner at a sushi restaurant?
Nothing wrong with either of those but have to be happy with it and not as an afterthought as your partner is busy

JudgeRudy · 04/03/2023 01:23

No! You're at work and you'll likely be socialising with your work colleagues (inc Japaneese 'hosts') OOH. I'd also expect you'll have work prep etc to do. I'm not so niavrcyo think it'll be all work, but it's not a holiday.

What he's essentially saying is can I spend (presumably) family money on a flight and stay in your hotel for free and have a holiday for 3 weeks whilst you work. If he's so interested in Japan let him wait till youre back and you can plan a proper holiday together. Also, can he just take 3 weeks off work? How much AL would that leave for the rest of the year. Would you still get a holiday together?

Would your employee even allow this (to stay in your hotel).
Another suggestion is you have a holiday or 2 yourself without him totaling 3 weeks too. That's is what he wants. A 3 week holiday without you..COS YOU'LL BE AT WORK!

MysteryBelle · 04/03/2023 01:29

I think it’s a great idea. He gets to see Japan too, very exciting, and you two can at least have a late dinner together a few of the nights. Why wouldn’t you want him to come? I don’t get it. You act like he’s some pesky acquaintance. He’s your husband 😂

JudgeRudy · 04/03/2023 01:33

Woopzies · 03/03/2023 21:14

Honestly if I were him I'd want to leave you I'm afraid.

What?! If you were him and I was her I'd want you to leave me too if you felt that way.

MysteryBelle · 04/03/2023 01:33

I’ve just read your update. It sounds like you don’t even like him. You didn’t give any examples of jealousy or why you think he doesn’t trust you. The way you talk about your husband, I’d say a divorce is in your near future.

WandaWonder · 04/03/2023 01:35

SillyOldBear3 · 04/03/2023 00:52

The introvert in me is wondering how on earth someone could spend 12 hrs a day with colleagues, for 3 weeks... My idea of hell!

Depends entirely on your OH's personality. Would he be happy to explore on his own every day and potentially not see you til late at night? If yes, I see absolutely no issue! (As long as your work is fine with it).

Yeah I am fine with the work bit but after the work is done I want to be just me, if I tagged along to a work trip of dh's I would happily stay in the hotel sightsee, eat meals alone I could read and not do housework

Having to work socialise would give me a migraine

user1492757084 · 04/03/2023 01:37

if he's happy to organise his own activities away from your work ones then I would want him to come.
Ask your work colleagues what they think? Some might be toying with the same issue at their place.
My brother goes over seas for work often and his company always asks whether any partners wish to go along, pay their own flight and organise their own activities. They stay with their spouse and sometimes eat together or have a couple of days together at either end of work committments. My SIL does go when it suits if she want to.

echt · 04/03/2023 01:56

MysteryBelle · 04/03/2023 01:33

I’ve just read your update. It sounds like you don’t even like him. You didn’t give any examples of jealousy or why you think he doesn’t trust you. The way you talk about your husband, I’d say a divorce is in your near future.

Nothing the OP has said shows she does not like him.

Blondebakingmumma · 04/03/2023 02:02

I’m currently tagging along to my DH’s work trip. I’m not the only spouse here. It’s expected that he is busy from 8am to very late. Happy to make the most of the accommodation and do my own thing. When he finishes we will have a couple of days together. As long as your husband respects that you are busy all day and potentially each night, should be ok. You could do things together on the weekend

BadNomad · 04/03/2023 02:04

Would he be expecting you to entertain him? As someone who has never been to Japan or likely to every choose it as a holiday destination, I would probably have asked too. But I wouldn't expect to spend any time with my partner. I'd just spend my days doing touristy things and eating out.

28January · 04/03/2023 02:41

It’s definitely not appropriate from what you have said, I think you are right and he is jealous. It would make things pretty awkward for you, I would be a bit concerned that he can’t see this. I do travel with DH but generally only for trips where we tag on a couple of days’ holiday and it’s his company. I never went with him when he was employed by someone else.

Sunbird24 · 04/03/2023 03:42

A man who gives his DW the silent treatment when she says he can’t just tag along on her intensely busy overseas work trip isn’t going to be the kind of man who cheerfully entertains himself whilst she does the work thing from breakfast until after dinner 6 days a week. I’d anticipate passive-aggressiveness and guilt trips. Apart from that, as PP have said, if he uses up 3 weeks of his holiday while she’s working, when do they get to have a holiday together?

Personally I’d hate it. Much better to see if you can stay a little longer at the end and have him join you then so you can do sight-seeing together, or plan to visit together as a proper holiday at some point in the future.

StickofVeg · 04/03/2023 04:11

I think it's inappropriate. You'll need to be spending some time with colleagues outside of work and I wouldn't want to have to be bothered with do I need to be with DH all the time. Doesn't he trust you?

Bloopsie · 04/03/2023 04:20

I would take my husband alone,my husband is very experienced traveller much more than myself so i know he wiuld be fine on his own,going around taking photos etc. Bonus wiuld be seeing him when i wasnt working as i would miss him.

Bloopsie · 04/03/2023 04:20

Along not alone*

Relaxd · 04/03/2023 04:46

It isn’t unreasonable. However it’s also not unreasonable for him to ask. I travel a lot and my spouse is ok to join if they want when it’s more than a couple of nights. They pay, do their own thing including breakfast as I’ll have that with my colleagues instead. Usually time to spend some time together on the weekend. I also travel 2-3 weeks solo.

Relaxd · 04/03/2023 04:49

Agree with others that the compromise of to tack on some time instead and he can perhaps join towards the end and then you both take a proper holiday together. Appreciate this adds on hotel costs but your work isn’t a free ride for him! There are often added on costs if there are 2 not 1 in a room too btw, even if it’s a double.

JackiePlace · 04/03/2023 04:52

WinterDeWinter · 03/03/2023 21:15

I think the real issue is that he’s not speaking to you over it.

Exactly this. Imagine being stuck with him in Japan and he gets the hump about something and starts freezing you out in front of your colleagues.
Stick to your guns. The answer is No.

Oblomov23 · 04/03/2023 05:12

No. Just no. For you.
Well actually I would take my Dh because I'd like to, and we'd both enjoy going, but the norm would be no.