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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
notimagain · 04/03/2023 08:22

Chias · 04/03/2023 08:03

I don’t think he would enjoy it. Japan is great but quite hard work to be a tourist in, especially if you on your own and not able to speak Japanese. It isn’t a wander around the sites and sit in cafes kind of place.

^^ Pretty much this, plus as @FlipFlopBattle put it:

"Unless he's an experienced solo traveller and has some concept of spending all day every day alone in a place where he can understand or read very little, he's likely to find it extremely lonely."

Japan is certainly an interesting place, there are sites to see, but three weeks, effectively solo, possibly stuck in/around a hotel in a big city on the almost mindboggling scale of somewhere such as Tokyo has the potential to become somewhat 😵...

(That reminds me, must be time for another watch of Lost in Translation)

Superstorefan123 · 04/03/2023 08:27

Inappropriate- for starters my work would not let me share my hotel room on a work trip - it’s been paid for YOU and they may have got a cheaper single occupancy deal? In my experience working away also includes a lot of breakfast/evening work which your partner cannot attend - so effectively alone 6am-10pm.

Much better to add a weeks annual leave on the end and have a holiday

Benjispruce4 · 04/03/2023 08:27

How about if he comes out midway through the trip for a long weekend?

ClownpantsKate · 04/03/2023 08:28

My friend who was seconded there found there is a culture of very long work hours in Japan and almost obligatory attendance at work social events. Your husband would be stuck in the hotel on his own for much of the time.

I have heard of people being sacked for entertaining their family/friends using company money (or even watching porn channels on hotel tvs), following audits. Would your husband be able to pay for his fare and meal expenses or would he run bills for you to pay?

ClownpantsKate · 04/03/2023 08:29

run up

TheGlitterFairy · 04/03/2023 08:33

I’d combine it and have done in the past - both ways with my business trips and DH coming and vice versa. Bit mean not to! No wonder he’s annoyed!

Beesandhoney123 · 04/03/2023 08:38

Do you want him along? Your time is full on and scheduled out. Even George Clooney would be in the way:)

You aren't expected to have your partner there by your company and from your schedule you won't have time.

It will be detrimental to your career. The chatter after won't be about how great at your job you were, it will be that your dh came along for a free holiday.

He is jealous. Don't let him spoil it for you. Book a lovely holiday to Japan for next year. Get cancel insurance

WithFlamingLocksOfAuburnHair · 04/03/2023 08:38

For a weekend after a short trip maybe, but in this case no. Firstly, is he using 3 weeks holidays here and you won't get another chance for a joint holiday this year? Secondly, he probably has no idea what trips like this are like - you'll be buzzing but exhausted and I suspect the last thing you'll want to do when you get back to the hotel room is go out and do holiday things. He'll resent that you're not making the most of your time off, or choosing dinner with colleagues ahead of him. My experience of trips like this is that all you want is room service, silence and sleep after high intensity days. And also that the dinners and events arent optional as that's where business relationships you draw on are built. Thirdly, and the big one, are you 100% sure in every situation that he will act appropriately and not create an issue (this is a tricky one for employees on extended work trips never mind their partners). I'd take some of that large salary to take a weeks holiday at the end, fly him out and spend a proper week having a holiday.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/03/2023 08:41

If the company were ok with it I'd say yes to the last week/10 days. Not that it'll ever be an issue for us as I won't travel for work!

Notjustabrunette · 04/03/2023 08:43

Could the be a compromise? You go for 2 weeks on your own, he flys out for the last week and does his own thing. At the end of your work trip you stay on for a few days holiday?

Hence · 04/03/2023 08:58

My DH and I travel for work oftenish and sometimes we all go if appropriate. It isn't always though (like in this case) so I think he is unreasonable if he is being moody about it. But not unreasonable for wanting to go.

LuckyPaisley · 04/03/2023 08:59

What strikes me is that he'll get time to 'see Japan' and you won't. Then in the future if you want to go and holiday there, will he say 'oh no we've already done Japan'? For me, it's not about him being left alone and not being able to have your company, but the fact that he's actually getting a proper holiday out of it and you're not.

DoraSpenlow · 04/03/2023 09:07

My DH used to go to the US for work 4 or 5 times a year. When we knew it was coming to an end I went with him twice. He worked for a week and I did my own thing during the day. If he had dinner with colleagues I had room service or dined alone, but they occasionally invited me to join them along with other wives/husbands and we had some great times. We added a week on to his work and then had a joint holiday. It was a great way of getting there but only having to pay for one airfare. Worked well for us.

amonsteronthehill · 04/03/2023 09:08

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

I think you have bigger problems, OP.

Your DH has only been working a few MONTHS and wants to take a 3 week jolly on your work trip. Does he even have that much accrued holiday time yet? doubtful. Will he lose his new job if he disappears for 3 weeks so soon on a jolly? Possibly. Is that his plan? To keep an eye on you and 'lose' his job 'accidentally'?

And if he actually did get the time off, would that pretty much be all his personal time for the foreseeable, meaning no family holiday this year?

mdh2020 · 04/03/2023 09:12

DH came with me to several overseas conferences and then we tagged on a holiday at the end. However, will you be able to socialise in the evenings in the same way if he is there? At a conference I was free every evening. It sounds as if he is rather controlling? Why not suggest that he comes out for the last week and you stay on for a few days together at the end?

YellowDaffodillie · 04/03/2023 09:17

I think YABU.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t extend your stay and book a week off at the end of your trip and have your DH join you? Japan is an amazing place to visit and even though I’ve been, there’s always more to see on subsequent visits.

Why wouldn’t you want to share some of the experience of visiting Japan with your DH? When I went last time, DH had to leave after two weeks due to work commitments, but I stayed on for an extra week as we have family there.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you enjoy being “the superior one” in this partnership and that’s a recipe for disaster.

KatherineJaneway · 04/03/2023 09:23

Does he intentionally want to hamper your career? I suspect he will start getting annoyed and moody that you 'don't have time for him', 'won't take a break', 'why do you have to go for drinks with colleagues' etc. He sounds like that type of man, jealous that you have a work trip but not the understanding that it is work and not a jolly.

Why didn't he work for a few years?

notimagain · 04/03/2023 09:31

"I think YABU.
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t extend your stay and book a week off at the end of your trip and have your DH join you?"

I think extending the stay and the "doing" some of Japan as a genuine holiday is fair enough.

If the DH's plan is to fly in with the OP and then go off independent travelling then maybe that wouldn't be the worse plan in the world.

OTOH if the DH's plan is to spend three weeks simply loitering in/around a city centre hotel in office hours waiting for the OP to finish work I'm not sure that makes much sense at all. I experienced a handful of Japanese city centre hotels over the years and whilst very nice they usually lost their attraction quite quickly.

Frankly in order to know whether the OP is or is not being unreasonable we need to know the partner's plans for the three weeks.

Polis · 04/03/2023 09:32

My husband has tagged along with me when I have attended overseas conferences etc. I have done the same with him. It’s pretty normal in the field we work in and doesn’t raise an eyebrow.

It sounds like the OP’s situation might be different.

KimberleyClark · 04/03/2023 09:36

I think the fact that it’s a three week trip makes a difference. The trips I’ve tagged along with DH have only ever been up to a week. I wouldn’t want to do it for three weeks!

BIWI · 04/03/2023 09:40

I was wondering ...

Do you have children, @chilledegg? Is this why your DH hasn't been working until recently? Has he been the SAHP? In this scenario I can see him being resentful that you get to go to a trip that he may regard as glamorous/fun etc. (Anyone who has done international travel with their work will well know that it is in no way like that - but people who don't, always seem to think it is)

AnotherEmma · 04/03/2023 09:51

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

He doesn't trust you? Doesn't trust you to do (or not do) what?

Is he jealous and controlling about other things? Does he often give you the silent treatment?

I was going to suggest that you take a week or two of annual leave at the end of the work trip, and he joins you for a holiday there, but based on your latest update, I don't think you should.

Mojoyoyo · 04/03/2023 09:51

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Softwhitecloud · 04/03/2023 09:53

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ememem84 · 04/03/2023 10:00

I’ve joined DH on work trips before and he has come on mine. But they were for a couple of days not weeks.

when I joined him in Dubai I entertained myself for a couple of days while he was working.

he came with me to Israel -my boss was with me and his wife also came along - so they did sight seeing etc. they did join us for dinner with clients though. But it was all pre arranged.

but three weeks. No. I mean I’d be gutted if DH went somewhere for work for 3 weeks and I couldn’t go (especially if it was somewhere I wanted to visit) but what on earth will he do with himself