DH thinks he should come on my work trip

[chilledegg]

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

I wouldn’t want to do it for three weeks!

I wouldn’t either. The longest I have done is a week.

@Justanotherlurker the fact that Japanese people won't say something to your face doesn't mean they will not judge you. Once a Japanese colleague of mine brought her French husband after hours to say hi to somebody who wanted to see him, which was like what, 4-5 years ago? And people are still saying about her "yeah you know that one, she is kinda lacking common sense, you know". In a big multinational company.
Taking your spouse on a work trip would be extremely inappropriate unless you are staying for an extended period of time somewhere (1 year or more). Secretly taking your spouse with you might work in some cases (I'm not saying absolutely everyone will judge, however the majority very much will), but talking from my experience working for (almost) 10 years in a big company in a department with lots of overseas business trips, that it will definitely take some points off you. Though you might not feel or know it unless you are used to the subtle ways the Japanese show their displeasure.

I didn’t say the OP was on holiday. I read quite clearly that she was there for work. It would be a nice cheap holiday for the accompanying spouse, I thought that was obvious.

14 hour flights each way? I think the insecure little man should stay at home.

Where on Earth have you projected that from?
And maybe she doesn't have a weeks leave to spare after the trip?

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years.

Then his chances of 3+ weeks off to be in Japan are minimal anyway, I’d assume.

Because she wants to go on a work trip on her own??! Well that's weird.

I think this is what I'd feel as well. Sometimes it can be hard to be taken seriously in your job (depending on your colleagues' attitudes) and I'm not sure that having your partner along as a chaperone is a particularly good look.

This thread makes me remember the beginning of the end for a relationship I was in, for almost the reverse of @chilledegg ’s experience.

I had a prestigious fellowship for 3 months to New York, and I was looking at accommodation. I said to my BF “Why don’t you come with me?” and his response was to say “Well what would I do all day while you’re at the research institute?’

It would have been a ‘free’ stay for him for as long as he wanted while I was there, he just had to pay for his air fare. I was working during the day according to the archive’s opening hours - with few evening commitments. His total lack of gumption was the beginning of the end for me. I thought he was unreasonable - he was going on about how he’d miss me, but wasn’t prepared to come with me.

But OP’s situation is totally different. 3 weeks of intense work and negotiating the specific culture of her organisation as well as the social/working conventions in Japan? In a small hotel room with little other space. No way.

As an academic, going to overseas conferences I sometimes see spouses attending (if it’s a nice or interesting place) but really, they do get in the way. Conferences are about the social interaction as well as the intellectual work, and a non-working spouse is a distraction. Fine for a weekend tagged on at the end, but I really don’t want to have to make small talk with a colleague’s spouse, when we need to discuss a work collaboration or the like. Particularly when they know nothing about the field but think they do because their husband works in it (funnily enough male trailing spouses never quite do this, just wives!).

But even if spouses do insist on coming along a conference is usually just 5 days. 3 weeks is totally different!

"What would I do all day" - in NEW YORK!! I can see why you ditched that one!

Well, quite!

But I think his fragility was showing - like @chilledegg’s husband. Can’t cope with a successful partner.

I certainly understand him shooting his shot (I’d love to go to Japan!) but I would go in knowing my chances were slim as it’s a true business trip. I’d good-naturedly rib my partner as he packed and would make him swear to pick me up some interesting trinkets, but making him feel bad for being professional and working hard? Never. That’s punk behavior, and he should be ashamed of his childishness.

How inclusive is the trip? Evenings and weekends - would you be expected to spend them with your Brit colleagues, is there a liaison who will take you round at weekends and organise 'fun' or touristy type things for you? If it's like that then there's no way you can bring him.

If however, you're all left twiddling your thumbs OOH then as long as he nderstand you're going to have to spend some of that free time with your colleagues (and you can trust him to actually look after himself WITHOUT complaint), then it's more possible.

OP said they are scheduled 8-8 Mon-Sat. Even if there's no socialising, that's basically all the time. OP will be knackered.

is there a liaison who will take you round at weekends and organise 'fun' or touristy type things for you? If it's like that then there's no way you can bring him.

Why no way? Surely it depends on the specific arrangements. He might be able to join the OP for the “fun” and touristy type things.

My husband travels a lot with his job, mainly in the U.S (about 8 to 10 times per year) and I've gone with him a few times.

I know his colleague who he travels with, and now some of the colleagues he meets with in the states, and none of them have an issue with me going, I even spent the day with ine of his u.s colleagues wives who went along too, who was glad I came too.

But I remember that he's busy during the working day and don't see him, but do on evenings and days off that he plans.

I don't think there's anything wrong with accompanying your husband, think he's being mean not taking you.

yeah this isn't the trip for him to tag along. I went with DH to Korea pre-parenthood, when he had a conference there, but that was a very different situation (short work hours, absolutely loads of free time, and one of his colleagues had brought her friend along so the two of us could wander off during the days). Your schedule sounds rammed- what on earth does he think he's going to be doing besides spending loads of money? His airfare and three weeks worth of eating out is going to add up. That's on top of the fact that he's going to make you as a professional look as if you require a minder when you leave his Man presence.

Honestly all around, YANBU.

*you're mean not taking him sorry

I knew someone who had work in Australia for a couple of weeks and tacked on additional time there for a holiday for him and his wife.
I can't remember if she flew out with him or joined him just for his holiday weeks.

I don't think there's anything wrong with accompanying your husband, think he's being mean not taking you.

Did you actually read the OP?

Some of the problem for the OP is very much destination specific..as a general point I'd agree for a trailing spouse it's usually fairly straightforward to find things to easily do, places to easily go in places like the US and Aus whilst the working partner is engaged during office hours.

OTOH Japan, whilst fascinating, can also be very hard work, most especially the cities. More than three or four days alone, killing time between evening engagements in somewhere like Tokyo can be very tough....as for three weeks........😯

I don't think that @chilledegg is coming back ...

OTOH Japan, whilst fascinating, can also be very hard work, most especially the cities. More than three or four days alone, killing time between evening engagements in somewhere like Tokyo can be very tough....as for three weeks........😯

It is Japan, not China. There is plenty to do for three weeks, plus you are seriously playing down Japanese hospitality and culture.

Any company wanting an employee to go overseas and then work the traditional Japanese worklife balance for 3 weeks would not flinch at people bringing along there spouse/partner and if it is a Japanese firm they would expect it and actually find it weird you didn't, male or female.

A lot of these posts on here obviously haven't ever been asked to work in Japan, the 12 hour shifts include a large part of drinking/meal and if your partner is there they will be expected to come along.

I would be more concerned if I was working for a british company that was expecting to pay for me to fly over to Japan, work 6 days a week for 12 hours a day (without the drinks) and train local staff rather than if my partner wanted to tag along, one big part of that is that if the company was essentially Japanese owned and this is an early in career visit they expect a plus one from anyone in europe.

If my OH was going on a work trip to a place I was interested in I’d want to go too. But I wouldn’t just invite myself along.

and I don’t think you are being unreasonable not wanting him to tag along. It would be weird and I wouldn’t want him there esp if other people aren’t bringing their partners.

I think he’s jealous of your success. Jealous of your job, the opportunities & jealous that you’re overtaking him. Also of what may happen if you’re away from him for that length of time too. He’s sabotaging by asking to come & behaving in a petulant manipulative manner about it. Therefore turning what should be a positive but normal aspect of your job into a negative thing.

This cld be a deal breaker OP if it’s not an isolated thing or sulking, freezing you out etc. Aka manipulative 🚩