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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
wentworthinmate · 03/03/2023 18:36

UdoU · 03/03/2023 13:26

YANBU. I would come down with a cold and say you will no longer be going.

Please stop cooking for him and his guests. If he invites anyone again, just make sure you go out and leave him to it.

That's the only way he'll learn.

Absolutely this.

ClareBlue · 03/03/2023 18:41

YANBU. Being taken for granted will destroy any relationship eventually. Everyone has a different line where they won't take it any longer. Some need continue acknowledgement and some once a year is fine. At first everyone thinks it's no big deal and don't be petty (as have numerous PP on this thread) and then it starts to become an issue but you keep a perspective on it (seems you are here), then resentment comes in and eventually it becomes too much.
The fact he ignored your concerns when you pointed it out would be a worry to me too.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 18:42

wentworthinmate · 03/03/2023 18:36

Absolutely this.

Show quote history

She’s already said that she doesn’t cook for the friends. They either go out for a meal instead or order a takeaway both of which the husband pays for. Given that she doesn’t cook for them, then presumably the husband doesn’t have an expectation that she will cook when he invites the friends so it’s all an expectation in her head.

What use would staying at home be when she wants to go.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 03/03/2023 18:45

This

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 03/03/2023 18:45

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

Sorry - this! 😂

ClareBlue · 03/03/2023 18:51

I don't think this is about objecting to driving or being a martyre, or not wanting to cook for friends, or controlling who comes to the house. It's about not being consulted and being taken for granted and the husband never acknowledging that OP puts herself out and that he takes the credit when she does. Even the most selfless person in the world needs people to acknowledge what they do every now and then and not consulting people with things that directly effect them becomes hurtful, especially if it's someone who loves you and shares everything.

Sainte · 03/03/2023 18:59

Happens to me regularly. We are a team, a partnership and it doesn’t matter to us who gets the credit.

I just don’t understand why you’re irritated.
Unless I’ve missed something. You are joined in marriage/partnership and if it happy to one of you, it happens to both.

Gagaandgag · 03/03/2023 19:14

steff13 · 03/03/2023 13:29

Certainly they'll see that you're driving and thank you personally.

Yep

piesinmyeyes · 03/03/2023 19:14

Get an Uber

niugboo · 03/03/2023 19:14

Reply this:

”thanks from me too babe! Can’t wait for a drink x”

MontySass · 03/03/2023 19:15

Just put on the group chat
”Oh, I did offer to drive, but so nice DH has offered to step in. I an sook looking forward to having a drink. Really appreciate this offer, brilliantly timed after the week I have had with DC/ DP/ work. I gave had such a stressful week.”

WidthofaLine · 03/03/2023 19:29

It shows an underlying selfish nature.

Always willing to accept the glory, and I bet never willing to accept any blame.

I've got a feeling this sort of behaviour is the tip of the iceburg.

GoodEnough1 · 03/03/2023 19:48

I think the crux of the matter is you feeling invisible. I’m not sure what the answer is but maybe you could start by being a bit more in-your-face by experimenting a bit - eg start by putting something in the group chat (something jokey about being the actual driver) as you seem to have already talked yourself down from it. But you still feel invisible don’t you? Take up more space and stop feeling that your concerns are not worth causing a fuss for.

Missingpop · 03/03/2023 20:11

Ffs grow up

Georgia71 · 03/03/2023 20:14

At best he sounds thoughtless. Uv hit the nail on the head with the word you used- disrespected. Would you do those things to him? Would ur friends in couples do that to each other? Listen to ur instincts, oh and get urself ur friends over and assume he’s gona cook for them all and let him drive you and your friends home pissed x

Jooliusreezer · 03/03/2023 20:34

He actually sounds like a sad little people pleaser, craving the attention of others.

Tuskanini · 03/03/2023 20:48

Oh, FFS! He said ‘We’ll give you a lift’. That’s all.

Ukrainebaby23 · 03/03/2023 20:57

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

If it was the other way round my DH would defo put that on group chat, as it is he nearly always drives but I make sure whoever we are gifting lifts to appreciates the gift.

T1Dmama · 03/03/2023 21:11

Respond in the group chat and say.. I thought I was driving but if ‘John’ has offered then great… about time someone else took a turn!!!

Next time he offers to ‘cook’ for his mates tell him to do the cooking or tell him to get a takeaway!

vaccinistatotebagchicbarista · 03/03/2023 21:15

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

hahahah I’d do the exact same. I can stoop to a snail’s depth of petty 😂😂

Michellelovesizzy · 03/03/2023 21:29

I would also thank him in the group chat… let him drive and have a drink.x

Delatron · 03/03/2023 21:36

He said ‘we’ not ‘I’. So it would look very strange if the OP wrote on the group chat what what some are suggesting. She offered - her DH used ‘we’ rather than specified it would be her. They thanked the ‘we’ not specifically him! You’re overthinking the whole thing. They’ll see who’s driving soon enough.

I still think you should stop offering the whole time though.

LoisLane66 · 03/03/2023 21:38

Just correct him.in the group chat. Make it humourous and not sour grapes.
Something like 'I believe (insert name) has been telling porkies again 🤥 He can't help it 😆 but you all know it's poor me again in the driving seat'
Of course, your friends may know him well enough by now and realise that when he says 'I'll pick you up' he means 'we' you and he. Don't get upset by it. That's just men for you.
Enjoy your evening.

Delatron · 03/03/2023 21:42

He didn’t say ‘I’ll pick you up’ though he said ‘we’. Then the couple will see on the night it’s the OP and thank her. But because she wasn’t specifically thanked the day before on the little group chat she’s pissed off. And because she’s always the one driving. But it’s unclear why she keeps offering…

susiesuelou · 03/03/2023 21:46

Logburnerperils · 03/03/2023 14:17

This is the biggest non issue I have seen on here today and that is saying something.

Same. Weird to get so stressed over this.