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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
yousilvertongueddevilyou · 03/03/2023 17:21

They'll see you driving so will find out then.

Delatron · 03/03/2023 17:22

But they’ll see you driving? And hopefully say thank you. But I don’t know why you keep being the martyr when it’s cleverly annoying you that nobody else offers to drive. Just don’t offer.

Delatron · 03/03/2023 17:23

Clearly annoying you

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 17:29

Seriously if you don’t want to drive then don’t offer. No one has asked you to drive, it is you who has offered.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 17:30

And I don’t think you are being a martyr just liking to think that you are.

FiddleLeaf · 03/03/2023 17:32

Stop doing the food shop. Stop cooking when he invites people over without notice. See if the baby man steps up.

The lift thing… it would be so weird for him to say ‘oh it’s my DP driving’ when they will see you in the driving seat.

PuppyMonkey · 03/03/2023 17:33

I’m not sure if it’s too late now or whatever, I’ve lost track -
—but couldn’t you just add something innocuous after the gushing “thank you” to him like, “it’s no problem guys, I don’t mind staying sober this weekend, pick you up at 7”.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 03/03/2023 17:39

So, IOP, you'd like something along these lines...

Husband: Could you guys do with a lift?

Other party: Oh, that'd be great, Dave. Thank you.

(two day silence)

Husband: Just to be clear, it's the bluehen who'll be driving, not me.

Other party: Oh - okay. Well, er...thank her for us then.

Husband: I will.

Other party: Yes, do.

Kittlbua · 03/03/2023 17:39

Look, the driving thing is really not a big deal. He's said "we will pick you up". If he said "thebluehen will pick you up", that would sound odd, as if he wasn't going to be there. It would be OTT for him to say "We'll pick you up and bluehen will be driving". What's the point of that? They will see who is driving when you pick them up and they will thank you. I really don't see why you need a load of thank yous in a whatsapp chat. The thank you is a general one meant for both of you for picking them up.

However, inviting people round for a meal without discussing it with me first, with the expectation that I'd magic food out of the air would piss me off.
So I do wonder if there are more issues like this and the driving thing is just the final straw type of thing. I feel like you are overreacting to the driving issue but if there are a lot of other things like this then maybe there are deeper issues in the relationship. Is there anything else that he does which makes you feel disrespected in addition to the inviting people for a meal thing?

IamMaz · 03/03/2023 17:45

It would annoy me!!!

letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 17:54

Ahhhh, d'you know what, just LTB!!! 🙄

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 17:57

Delatron · 03/03/2023 16:23

Is sharing a cab not a possibility? Then this would all be avoided…

Oh god no, then there's no room for a martyr

Scotland32 · 03/03/2023 17:58

I was tempted to say yanbu but I think it will be very obvious who is driving when you give them a lift so your husband won’t be able to take the credit! I don’t think it needs highlighting in advance.

BeBopaLula75 · 03/03/2023 17:59

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

I love this response 👏

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 17:59

WalkingOnTheCracks · 03/03/2023 17:39

So, IOP, you'd like something along these lines...

Husband: Could you guys do with a lift?

Other party: Oh, that'd be great, Dave. Thank you.

(two day silence)

Husband: Just to be clear, it's the bluehen who'll be driving, not me.

Other party: Oh - okay. Well, er...thank her for us then.

Husband: I will.

Other party: Yes, do.

Exactly! I don’t know how people are not thinking this would be an odd exchange.

😂

AllyArty · 03/03/2023 18:05

But they will see that you are doing the driving so they will thank you, not him. And the next time he invites people over ask him what is he planning to cook for them.

CrazyLadie · 03/03/2023 18:15

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

When I was woth an ex, I redecorated while he was a work one day and the best them his mates were round he didn't correct them when they said to him what a good job he did

SchoolTripDrama · 03/03/2023 18:15

Just get in the passenger side of the car tomorrow night!!!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 18:17

SchoolTripDrama · 03/03/2023 18:15

Just get in the passenger side of the car tomorrow night!!!

But she offered to drive and agreed to her husband sending a message offering the friends a list so this would be pretty manipulative, tricking the husband in to driving when as far as I can see he hasn’t actually done anything wrong here.

JudgeRudy · 03/03/2023 18:17

I think insisting he 'corrects' the group app at this stage looks odd/petty though I wouldn't be averse to adding "Thanks Ben. Looks like it's my turn for a 🍸"...
Sounds like this is just an example of a bigger problem. This is one of my pet hates, folks who volunteer or don't consider other people when they make offers. "Sure Jake, bring Beth too. Bluehen will love to see you both. How about we cook supper. Its no trouble"....no Ben, its no trouble for you, because you're not cooking it!
I suspect you've spoken about this and he's 'forgotten or didn't understand'. I dislike passive aggression but that would be my stance next time. If he's all for a bit of praise/glory he'll likely be sensitive to others opinions (or him). Next time he says Oh BlueHen, I've invited Jake n Beth over on Friday . Thought we could do a chilli"...just say lovely. You're gonna have to face the cringe, but pop out in the day or nip to gym only to return 15 mins before they're due....see what happens. I bet he won't do it again.

SchoolTripDrama · 03/03/2023 18:20

@UdoU This is a very confusing post. If he invites them then they are his guests. He should shop and cook for them.

?!?! They live together. OP's partner's guests are also her guests. And vice versa. They're not roomies they're in a long term relationship ffs

Rosie22xx · 03/03/2023 18:24

Don't drive, let him do it if he's taking credit. Don't cook, he's inviting people so let him sort it. The longer you cave and just do it all, this will never change and he will never learn. Just stop doing things.

purplebunny2012 · 03/03/2023 18:25

Pretty sure they will find out when you get to them. It was his idea, so it's right to thank him. And then they will thank you when you give the lift.
yawn

SchoolTripDrama · 03/03/2023 18:29

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 I know but she isn't taking on any other suggestions so it was the only other thing I could think of! 🤷🏼‍♀️😆

Newstartonwards · 03/03/2023 18:34

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

This and don’t cook for him or his guests

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