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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
MXVIT · 03/03/2023 16:05

He's in a project manager type of position. So yes, used to others doing the donkey work whilst he gets the praise!

Goodness me you're unpleasant.

I daresay hubby feels like he's constantly walking on eggshells.

Justalittlebitduckling · 03/03/2023 16:06

It won’t be hard for them to see it’s you driving and then they can thank you at the time.

YellowDaffodillie · 03/03/2023 16:07

Have you always been such a people pleaser?

You don't have to entertain his friends or give lifts and maybe you should occasionally say NO to him and see what happens?

Will your DP be fine with that and respect your decision or will he try to persuade you to do what he wants?

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 16:08

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with your final paragraph. It's no big deal at all.

So it's perfectly OK in a WhatsApp chat with your friends to point out, in the most lighthearted way, that her husband was being a cheeky bastard for claiming the credit.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 16:10

Credit for what? The offer that one of them would drive.

That's both fine, and correct.

Delatron · 03/03/2023 16:23

Is sharing a cab not a possibility? Then this would all be avoided…

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 16:26

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 16:08

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with your final paragraph. It's no big deal at all.

So it's perfectly OK in a WhatsApp chat with your friends to point out, in the most lighthearted way, that her husband was being a cheeky bastard for claiming the credit.

But he wasn’t claiming the credit, he has not said that he is the one driving. it was the friends that said thanks (for offering a lift) so saying anything will just show that you are annoyed at the friends and seem like you don’t really want to give them a lift. Why make them feel uncomfortable when they’ve done nothing wrong.

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 16:38

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 16:26

But he wasn’t claiming the credit, he has not said that he is the one driving. it was the friends that said thanks (for offering a lift) so saying anything will just show that you are annoyed at the friends and seem like you don’t really want to give them a lift. Why make them feel uncomfortable when they’ve done nothing wrong.

Show quote history

Why would your friends feel uncomfortable about a little in joke between you and your husband about him being a cheeky bastard? Mine wouldn't.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 03/03/2023 16:39

If it is something 'he' is doing by himself, is that also a 'we'? Or does it then become 'I'?

i.e. you driving becomes 'we' driving. Him bringing chocolates (for example) become 'we' took chocolates. Or does that stay as 'I' took chocolates?

You'll have to think of a valid scenario that works for you.

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 16:41

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 16:38

Why would your friends feel uncomfortable about a little in joke between you and your husband about him being a cheeky bastard? Mine wouldn't.

Show quote history

But it’s not an “in joke”

The OP is pissed off

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 16:41

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 16:38

Why would your friends feel uncomfortable about a little in joke between you and your husband about him being a cheeky bastard? Mine wouldn't.

Show quote history

I would feel uncomfortable, to see such pettiness between a couple.

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2023 16:44

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 16:41

I would feel uncomfortable, to see such pettiness between a couple.

Show quote history

I’d laugh and agree with my bloke how reasonable and adult we are not to throw our toys out of the pram over nothing.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 03/03/2023 16:48

IncompleteSenten · 03/03/2023 13:28

That's 100% what I'd do.
I'm petty as fuck.

Show quote history

This.

Your husband needs to learn to appreciate you.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 16:51

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 16:41

But it’s not an “in joke”

The OP is pissed off

Show quote history

And she is pissed off at the friends for not thanking her and giving her the credit. She has said that she expects the friends to have realised that she would be driving as she does it more frequently, not not always.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 03/03/2023 16:56

I suspect that the OP is giving us examples that wouldn't matter very much as one-offs ... but that this happens all the time and it is starting to really irritate her!

He is managing things so that he always gets the credit and she always gets the labour. It can be tiring to find that you are constantly the background-staff never the wonderful-host. You might well feel hard done by!

PandasAreUseless · 03/03/2023 16:57

My DH would do this and, OP, I feel your pain.

With us, there'll be a big house project that I (and I alone):

  • decide I want doing
  • approach various tradesmen for quotes
  • deal with them when they visit
  • talk through all requirements
  • decide who I'm going with
  • make sure I'm around when they do the work
  • pay for it

After the fact, and infront of friends and family, DH is all "We did this, we did that, we thought the other". I'm always left... 😲

HelpINeedSomeAdvicePlease · 03/03/2023 16:57

Just respond saying "just so you're aware, it's me who is driving so can't have a drink"!

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 16:59

HelpINeedSomeAdvicePlease · 03/03/2023 16:57

Just respond saying "just so you're aware, it's me who is driving so can't have a drink"!

But they will bloom realise this when they see the op driving them!! And then they will thank the op

Delatron · 03/03/2023 17:00

HelpINeedSomeAdvicePlease · 03/03/2023 16:57

Just respond saying "just so you're aware, it's me who is driving so can't have a drink"!

If a friend sent me this I’d be a bit offended. They didn’t ask you to not drink and ferry them about. How would they get there otherwise?

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 17:03

They’d probably al” just think “oh great, @thebluehen is in one of her moods 🙄”

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 03/03/2023 17:10

Good grief OP, if these are friends I don’t get why you can’t just chip in. it’s normal banter, I would be like a PP suggested and say “ha ha brilliant DH I thought I was driving, looking forward to it more now I’m not designated driver” he then has to hold his hands up or bloody drive.

why are you so shy of coming forward?

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 17:15

I'm never "in a mood" and I certainly wouldn't take it out on anyone on the night out and spoil things. I hate people that do that. It's really not the end of the world and I'm looking forward to a nice night out. Just a bit miffed that, yet again, I find myself in another situation where I'm "doing people a favour" (which I'm glad to do!) but I'm only human and no one likes being taken for granted do they? Of course, if it's a one off, I'm being petty, but it's not. The thing is I am quiet and don't blow my own trumpet, I suspect this suits DP just fine. Maybe I'm being a martyr but I don't begrudge driving, after all I offered and I am fine with it but I am also aware that it means other people get to do things they want to do and not have to do things they don't want to do (drive, stay sober, cook, clean) so is DP quite happy to take the acknowledgment he doesn't actually deserve? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 17:18

I'm never "in a mood" and I certainly wouldn't take it out on anyone on the night out and spoil things.

well you’re hardly likely to say otherwise, are you?! 😂

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 17:19

, I find myself in another situation where I'm "doing people a favour" (which I'm glad to do!) but I'm only human and no one likes being taken for granted do they?

But you say they do thank you when they leave the car?

and how often are you all getting together anyway?

weirdoboelady · 03/03/2023 17:21

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:25

I think some of it is that this keeps happening, he is doing the organising and he does sometimes drive, but more often than not, it is me. And yet, friends still assume it's him driving?! Why? Yes, they'll thank me on the night and next time they will thank him for offering to drive again. And in the group chat the actual other drivers are getting the acknowledgement, not their partner. One husband has said that his wife will be driving and asked if anyone would like a lift. And yet in none of the conversations that DP has had, has he said that I will be driving. It's all "we" will pick you up etc etc. And yet, the thank you's aren't for both of us, it's just for him.

And then I think OK, next time I'll let him drive and he does. He get's the acknowledgement before and on the night. Quite frankly I feel a bit invisible and he could do something to correct that but doesn't.

Show quote history

Therapist mode on.

I feel your last paragraph SHOULD be

And then I think OK, next time I'll let him drive and he does. He get's the acknowledgement before and on the night. Quite frankly I feel a bit invisible and I could do something to correct that but I don't.

Why don't you?

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