DH cheated - do I forgive him?

[ch91566]

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

Doesn't bode well since it's the first year . I'm not one of those who think LTB after an affair every time but so early in the marriage ? You might be as well having a fresh with someone faithful start while you're young . Get some money organised and some professional advice.

No no no, the OW never made any promises to OP, the cheating husband is 100% only to blame.
blaming the OW puts cheating husband in the clear to keep doing it because he couldn’t resist the temptress… he was weak, etc. never blame the OW, she isn’t part of the relationship and owes nothing to either of them.
if she gets the blame then he gets off the hook, or an excuse.
he is married, he cheated. She is single, she had sex.

He doesn't see it's an issue?!

So what about next time, when he does develop feelings for someone?

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect the commitments he made when you married. He doesn't even respect the other woman!

He's not a nice man.

Don't be with someone who treats you like this and doesn't respect you, care about how you're feeling, grovel for forgiveness.

This ☝️

What a scumbag. I found out my ex partner had cheated with his female friend who had befriended me. I was on his ipad that he lent me and I was looking at some of our photos and came across some photos of them and dick pics which prompted me to look at their Facebook messages and I found their sex messages and more photos. I calmly text her asking if she would give P a call on his phone as mine was not working which she did. And as they were talking I sent him and her via message screen shots of the messages and photos. I spoke to her and said check your phone and said the same to him and left the room. Could hear them both trying to think of excuses but I kicked his sorry arse out. Don't put up with this you are better than this especially that he is not remorseful xx

Wow a man who actually tells their partner when they cheat. That's the only good thing and it's not great is it?

A year in a marriage he will do it again so you are left with two choices and that's it.
The bar has been set very low now.

You either decide if-

Stay with a man who does and will cheat.

Or end it and find someone who actually respects you.

If him cheating does upset you and it probably does it's fucking the worst, you won't be happy. He won't cut her out so again choosing her over you. Cutting contact is bare minimum. And like others said you don't accidentally cheat. Lots of micro decisions would of been made leading up to it like the opportunity to spend more time with her when she became single.
The lies in-between and then having sex and keeping it from you until he was either worried it would come out and thought hey I'll tell her so I seems like I am a better person..

Move on and you'll not have to have this in the back of your mind and you'll feel better in the long run. This will eat away at you and give it another month or so he will probably turn to anger if you bring it up, the friendship ect as he will say you should be over it.

Also to add I've had a lot of male friends some ten years on that I thought were just friends but as soon as I became single made a move. Some guys are crack in the door guys and sounds like he has always liked her from what you said. So you are plan B if that's the case. Fook that.

We’ll just be ready for the next time he cheats. At least he tells you right?

Divorcedalongtime · Today 13:13

No no no, the OW never made any promises to OP, the cheating husband is 100% only to blame.

I agree that it's down to him that he decided to betray his wife and that he chose to do it entirely and of his own free will. He's the author of his own downfall and probably that of his marriage.

I'm just saying that the OW wasn't someone who he met, who didn't know he was married; she knows the OP and should understand more than most what it is to lose a relationship, because her partner chose infidelity. For me, that situation doesn't require any promises on her part, just a modicum of empathy.

And no, I'm not in any way saying that she's some Jezebel, just that the two of them decided to shaft the OP.

When it happened where did you think he was and what did you think he was doing? When he came home did you have any inkling anything had happened? How will you ever know if it happens again given that he won't cut contact? Won't you always wonder where he is?

Would love to see his reaction if you went and cheated on him with a male friend. If he continues to see this friend of his then he will continue to cheat on you if you let him get away with it.

Absolutely no forgiveness - ever
A year into marriage
I bet he was delighted when she split from her fella so he could get in there !
urgh - sorry OP

Other thing so this friendship is so important to him enough to prioritise it over his wife and step child.

He will what hang out with her and see her at gatherings and what you go and just have to deal with the big elephant in the room? because of what he has done or you never see this women and they hang out and you just trust it will never happen again. She doesn't sound like a good friend she wasn't some random on a night out, she knew he was married and didn't care it would risk his relationship and their friendship. This is on them but staying with him will mean you have to not bring it up and get over it somehow.

To be honest they sound made for eachother I'd just go. I know it's scarey when you have a child to start over and when you get cheated on the person you usually seek comfort from is the one who has done this. It's a head fuck.

Only you can decided this and I know that it is a really hard decision. A few things strike me:

1 year in, when you should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase, is very early in a marriage to be cheating. What is he going to do when he has to face the challenges of a long marriage?

He seems to think that sleeping with a good friend is OK if they do not want to be in a relationship.

He doesn't seem to appreciate / care that this is important to you, even if it is insignificant to him.

The fact that he thinks that admitting to cheating and stating that it will not happen again should be enough for you to forget it all and move on, is not respecting your feelings.

If you do decide to stay, and I am not saying you should, I would suggest that you set boundaries. This MUST not happen again and if it does you're done - and mean it.

Personally I do not think that I could forgive my DH sleeping with a good friend, especially if he was not prepared to cut ties with her for your sake.

What ever you decide to do I wish you happiness. 💐

Either he is massively gaslighting you on this or you aren't bothered about monogamy - which of course some people aren't. There is no way that cheating is ok because he told you. Just because it isn't an issue to him doesn't mean it's not an issue. I agree with others - ask him if he is ok with you sleeping with other men as long as you don't have feelings for them and tell him.

For me his indifference and lack of remorse would be a dealbreaker even if the initial cheating wasn't. Honestly I think you need to wake up.

I knew he was with the friend, he asked me if I wanted to go along with him but I didn't as it was nearly time for DS to go to bed so he would've been very grumpy. I didn't suspect anything had happened when he came home, no.

If I do stay with him pregnancy and a new baby won't be an issue as he doesn't want children of his own and I'm happy with just DS

So how did he accidentally sleep with her?

How did that happen?

This is actually worse than some random. There are clearly feelings there and it seems now that the only thing keeping them apart was other relationships. It’s like he was waiting for his shot all this time. If you can live with being second choice then fine. I would cut my losses though and find someone who worships the ground you walk on.

No way, he's ruined it

It sort of sounds like you're going to stay with him.

Is it a lack of self esteem? Self respect? Why would you stay with him? He had sex with her and is telling you it isnt an issue, not a big deal, wont happen again lolz.

This isnt a good guy.

What are your current thoughts OP? Has he said anything else?

Are you just shock\numb\heads up jumper at revelation?
Hes managed to hump her\dump her-in as much as THEYve declared it a one off-in the manner of two adults WITH FACTS and choices.
Am guessing despite him go above n beyond you had no "what if they have genital collision"niggles.
How exactly did he no big deal break this to you?
If,you,was to say for example-oh thats such a coincidence,your big bro popped round that night n we had a one off\no strings never happen again quickie-would he take it in his stride.?
Do you want to grin bear it act like never happened ?
her fella was cheat? so..shes well aware generally that has consequences?? did they use protection?stds dont care if its a one time event...i dont actually know any sorta condom makes any difference-if used -musta had that spur of moment rush of sense
and it didnt hit a red light zone where he said-oops\sorry\im a happily married man.he just wired in then brazenly hit you with it.
It might be drama/trauma/not whatchu thot was happening. but...thats ok(?)because hes unfazed.
for better\worse is NOT inclusive of casual romps for most. Its your call.counselling can work wonders.
apparently...you could attempt "its brought us closer together" crazy learning opportunity.
If you tell him to leave(even ffor a few hours\day or so...
will he go there?
Being a step parent since 10mths old is an absolute privilidge,as is being married to you.
You dont need this,or want this.
you dont need him and regardless of all you had as a "family" hes clearly NOT stepping up to the mark.
its rotten,i know,but try give yourself a while to realise his "one off" was in the balance with youre always forever.
i know it may have hit you like a dead weight. head overides into emotional shut down.
that wont last. (unlike spots on leopards.)how fquin dare he

He’s more concerned about losing her.

Please OP, have some respect for yourself. He's betrayed you and doesn't care; he's telling you it's no big deal. If you forgive him without insisting he cuts her off, then you'rebasically agreeing with him.

Then, before long he will continue his relationship with this woman (you'll forgive him after all, as there's no issue if he says sorry occasionally) and eventually he'll leave you for her.

It doesn't sound like you're actually bothered and your husband has picked up on that. Good luck OP 👍