Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Bloopsie · 06/03/2023 12:59

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

No, sleeping with her wasnt an accident, lame excuse and you barely just got married, what a weakling.

BadNomad · 06/03/2023 13:04

That explains your lack of reaction and his lack of giving a fuck. He knows he owns you. He knows you won't leave because you don't want to give up this better lifestyle. He won't be scared to do it again.

Cosyblankets · 06/03/2023 13:05

He doesn't get to do what he likes and get away with it just because he earns more. Sounds like he has a hold over you

Crazyducklady · 06/03/2023 13:19

But lovely you don’t depend on him. You might feel like you do, but really you don’t.

You and DS were doing just fine once before him and you’ll do just fine again. You may well have to temporarily drop your hours until things are a bit more sorted. 6 months of financial wobbles is far better than a lifetime of cheating, heartache and all the shit that goes with it. He’s already planning to keep seeing this ‘friend’.

You are worth way more than that.

Tell him to pack his bags and expect his divorce papers delivered to his friend’s house.

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2023 13:26

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

OP, it's clear you're going to stay and I understand why - for now.

But he will do it again - if not with this one, then another. He's been given the green light to treat you as he wants.

So use the time wisely. Get your job up to as well-paying as you can. Put money aside if you can. Get a support network of good friends around you - don't rely on him. Get ready to go it alone again, one day. Might not be this year but the day will come.

Good luck

Btjdkfnn · 06/03/2023 13:35

Op something doesn’t add up here.

If they slept together at hers once, when you knew he was there legitimately, how could they possibly have failed to keep this a secret from you?

also if she’s just been cheated on and had her life ripped apart whilst she has a small child, the absolute last thing she’d do is to fuck up someone else’s marriage but enabling their husband to cheat.

If he has actually voluntarily owned up to this and expects you to just crack on as it’s no big deal - then he is signalling to you that he will continue to cheat on you, with her or others. As he’s let you know - so he believes you should expect It.

also - going on the info you’ve given, the most likely scenario is that he’s been cheating with her, her husband has found out and is threatening to tell you. So your dh has pre-emoted this by telling you it was once.

honestly, it really doesn’t add up. As regards to why, it’s almost irrelevant, as the net result is that you should get rid of him. Unless you understand and accept that he will do this to you again.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2023 13:51

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

And you think that's sufficient reason to just suck it up and stay? Alrighty then.

Prepare yourself for a life of misery. Of him cheating whenever he feels like it. Of never being able to trust him. Of watching him walk out the door and not knowing where he really is and what (or who) he's doing. And prepare yourself for the chance that at some point he's going to look at you and say 'Nah' and walk out for another woman.

Or, dig down inside yourself and start working towards a new life. See a solicitor to find out what you'd be entitled to as CM and settlement. Check into benefits to see if you could make a go of it while you 'organized' you new life. Decide to possibly 'reduce' your lifestyle to get out and be happy. Investigate other jobs with better hours, retraining for a more 'family friendly hours' job. Women have walked out with nothing but the clothes on their backs and their children in tow and they've managed to make a good life. You can too, if you decide to.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 06/03/2023 13:53

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

Hmm not sure I get this. Your kid is not his and you were a single parent before and you managed and now your kid is at school so you have more opportunity to work than previously...?

Crumpleton · 06/03/2023 14:19

Sounds like you've made the decision that he can carry on shagging OW as long as he continues to help with childcare.

OP you're worth more than that.

Original poster
ch91566 · 06/03/2023 14:31

Hmm not sure I get this. Your kid is not his and you were a single parent before and you managed and now your kid is at school so you have more opportunity to work than previously...?

I had family support as a single parent, I now don't as family live in another part of the country. I also only was working evenings and was living with my parents so he'd be asleep and they were able to listen out for him.

OP posts:
User678945 · 06/03/2023 14:39

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

You will be entitled to claim universal credit, there is a website called entitled to where you can enter your details as though you are a single mum working three days a week and it will let you know what you can claim. You can also call the citizens advice bureau for advice. Sorry for what you're going through, it takes strength to leave and isn't as easy as people like to think. But there is support out there available.

GoldDuster · 06/03/2023 14:42

OP there are plenty of people who turn a blind eye to longstanding affairs for many years, because it benefits them in some way. You might be happy with a similar situation, but only you can make that decision.

There will be a cost to you either way, it will be a trade off. Whether you decide to forgive and move on believing that it was an accident and will never happen again, and keep the benefits of his income and your current set up, or whether you decide you don't trust him and this is not an aspect of your marriage you're willing to accept. You need to decide which way feels more true for you.

I will say that whichever path you choose please work towards setting yourself up so that you are independant, should the day come where you decide you're not happy with him having sex with other women, as it's likely not to be the one off he's painting it to be.

BadNomad · 06/03/2023 14:51

Also, if you do decide to stay and turn a blind eye to his affairs in the future, you run the risk of him leaving you for one of them one day. It's a huge risk to take. It really would be better for you and your child to not have to rely on a man to support you.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 06/03/2023 15:31

OP, what exactly do you want from this relationship?

80s · 06/03/2023 15:32

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her
He thinks him sleeping with her is not a big deal? That cheating with someone casually is better than cheating with someone you love?
So he'll happily do it again as long as he admits it afterwards and doesn't have any feelings for them?

Have you considered the possibility that this is not the first time he's slept with her; that she broke up with her ex because she's been having an affair with your husband, and when she finally tried to get him to break up with you, too, he bailed out and went running to you to get his story in first, so that she couldn't tell her version to you? Have you heard the story from her, or from her ex?

Of course you can choose to stay with him. But if you do, it would be very inadvisable to see him as a reliable financial source in future: if he's happy to cheat on you, then he'll be happy to let you down in that, too.

Pearlygates · 06/03/2023 15:36

ProfessionalWeirdo · 06/03/2023 15:31

OP, what exactly do you want from this relationship?

I suppose just free childcare and money?
I think OP checked out on the romantic aspect of it.

Original poster
ch91566 · 06/03/2023 18:15

No, I don't just want free childcare and moneyHmm. I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

OP posts:
Wellitjustgetsworse · 06/03/2023 18:29

Come on really he won't cut contact. 🙄

I've been there. You know what happens you play happy families for awhile and this comes up and hits you like a tone of bricks over and over.

He's literally putting a friend above you where they both crossed a line. He's saying if it comes to it he would rather loose both you and your child. He's not even worried he knows you won't do anything so why would he treat you better in the future?

If you don't love him and it's purely for a comfortable life you'll probably be alright I guess.

strawberry2017 · 06/03/2023 18:49

No chance on this Earth would I be staying with someone who is staying in contact with someone he slept with behind my back. He is completely mugging you off. Ask him how he would feel if roles were reversed.

Mum23amazingkids · 06/03/2023 18:50

wow I’m shocked you think being cheated in a marriage can be this easily forgiven . You pretty much have just told him you are a fro or at and he can walk all over you again and again ! I’m the meanwhile you are teaching your children that they can be cheated and cheat on others . Sorry but your relation is a farce

ProfessionalWeirdo · 06/03/2023 18:56

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

How long is "a while"? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours?

And what happens when the "while" is over?

Cosyblankets · 06/03/2023 19:01

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 18:15

No, I don't just want free childcare and moneyHmm. I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

Pretty much everyone is saying LTB but you're really not going to listen.
Of course it will be an upheaval but do you not deserve to be happy long term? Will you be truly happy with him?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2023 19:06

I can understand where you're coming from about the living arrangements, OP, but you might as well face the fact that he has so little respect for you there's every chance he'll leave at some point anyway

As I said right at the start only you can decide if this is how you want to live, but since you're going to stay, you might want to use the time to build more independence for yourself rather than just burying your head in the sand

80s · 06/03/2023 19:14

I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.
If it is mainly financial then I can see where you are coming from. But as I say, you can't rely on him to stay with you in the long term, or to support you financially: he's proven unreliable after just a year of marriage. So bide your time if that's an advantage to you now, but have a Plan B too. And don't paint everything black without having a very firm grasp of what alternatives are available to you. Get yourself properly informed for a potential split - you would not just be paying for accommodation out of your own pocket.

Restinggoddess · 06/03/2023 19:19

Whilst it is possible to have an established friendship with a member of the opposite sex - once the boundary has been crossed it would be difficult to go back to just friendship and very difficult for you to trust either of them

very sorry this is your experience- I wish you well in your decisions

Swipe left for the next trending thread