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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
SinnerBoy · 04/03/2023 17:23

MyOtherUsernameIsDave · Today 16:25

He’s more concerned about losing her.

Oh yes, that's evident.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 04/03/2023 17:27

He’s more concerned about losing her.

Sorry, OP, but this is definitely how it comes across.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 04/03/2023 17:30

Maybe she's dependent on him financially, doesn't want to feel humiliated or break up the family unit they've built. Who knows but I think this stuff takes awhile to sink in. Until it happens no one knows what it how they will react.

I hope she realises it won't be a one off and that the fact he's making out it's no big deal and won't cut her off he's prepared to loose you and your child over her.

Any remorseful man would no questions ask cut the friendship off but chances are he wants to see if it's better with her and before you know it could be a year or two down the line he will say we can't help who we fall in love with rubbish and he will be off.

Pardon45 · 04/03/2023 17:52

ch91566 · 04/03/2023 12:02

I'm still unsure on what to do. I don't think he is the toddlers father. He is a good stepfather to DS, and our relationship was really good until this.

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her

He admitted it so its not an issue. He is crazy. He isn't taking responsibility for the damage he had done to the relationship. The betrayal of trust. Can you fuck whoever you want as long as you admit it or would that be an issue? This won't be the last time he cheats on you.

Cosyblankets · 04/03/2023 18:01

ch91566 · 04/03/2023 14:34

I knew he was with the friend, he asked me if I wanted to go along with him but I didn't as it was nearly time for DS to go to bed so he would've been very grumpy. I didn't suspect anything had happened when he came home, no.

If I do stay with him pregnancy and a new baby won't be an issue as he doesn't want children of his own and I'm happy with just DS

Show quote history

So how are you going to feel next time he goes?

Nellle · 04/03/2023 18:34

OP, from your first post I didn't definitively think you should end your marriage. People make mistakes and he promptly owned up.

HOWEVER, since then you have said you don't think he'll cut contact because he's "known her longer" than you - but you're his WIFE. What were those vows about if not putting you before some gal pal from uni?

And then HE tells YOU he "doesn't see it as an issue" WOW.

Honestly, this man is treating you like a doormat, but worst of all, he's got you treating yourself like a doormat too.

Get out while you can still teach your son about self-respect and how to treat a partner.

KenAdams · 04/03/2023 18:39

One year in and he can't keep his dick in his pants? Nah, get rid.

Loving the "it's not an issue because I've admitted it" justification as well. Expect that to make a few more guest appearances in your marriage.

All the flags are there, staying would be entirely a choice you make.

Starlitestarbright · 04/03/2023 18:45

This might not even be the first time but I can tell you by his actions it won't be the last.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 04/03/2023 18:49

Get out while you can still teach your son about self-respect and how to treat a partner.

Boys learn an awful lot about how to treat girls by seeing how their father (or in this case their stepfather) treats their mother.

Divorcedalongtime · 04/03/2023 22:26

ProfessionalWeirdo · 04/03/2023 18:49

Get out while you can still teach your son about self-respect and how to treat a partner.

Boys learn an awful lot about how to treat girls by seeing how their father (or in this case their stepfather) treats their mother.

THIS

Eyerollcentral · 04/03/2023 23:12

ch91566 · 04/03/2023 14:34

I knew he was with the friend, he asked me if I wanted to go along with him but I didn't as it was nearly time for DS to go to bed so he would've been very grumpy. I didn't suspect anything had happened when he came home, no.

If I do stay with him pregnancy and a new baby won't be an issue as he doesn't want children of his own and I'm happy with just DS

Show quote history

‘I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her’ he is laughing in your face

cantley · 05/03/2023 04:58

Im so sorry this has happened OP.
Nobody's penis falls into someone else's vag by accident.
There's lots of opportunities for either person to say stop this is wrong before it happens.
Sounds like he's choosing her over you.
Again, I'm so sorry, he's horrible.

tempusername1234 · 05/03/2023 07:32

SonicBoo · 04/03/2023 17:17

It doesn't sound like you're actually bothered and your husband has picked up on that. Good luck OP 👍

Sadly this sounds like the case.

I don't understand how you can find out that your partner for life has slept with someone he's always fancied while they were vulnerable and then you think it's okay because he's admitted it and told you it's not an issue, but he's going to keep seeing her socially.

How is it up to him to decide if it's an issue or not?

It's your life, but in twenty years time I hope you're not looking back at a string of "not an issue's". Unless you're happy with an open marriage. In which case, sleep with someone you fancy when you next think they might be up for it and then tell him that you thought it wouldn't be an issue. Sorted.

Capturetotalelotion · 05/03/2023 07:47

Very similar happened to me. We were married for just a year and I found out he had been comforting a uni mates ex girlfriend. I divorced him straight away and never spoke to anyone involved again. I totally moved on and have never regretted it. Been married to DH2 for 11 years and ex DH also remarried ( not the OW). Don’t waste your life on this man.

PolyannaHanna · 05/03/2023 09:36

He doesn't find it an issue 🤷 He is telling you exactly what he thinks of sex outside your marriage. Its not an issue. So expect more of it going forward..

TheDalaiShawarma · 05/03/2023 12:17

Do you have a hot, male friend who would be up for a quick shag, OP? Give them a call and ask if they fancy a quickie. Then tell your H what happened, but it’s all ok and doesn’t matter as you admitted it. See how he reacts when the tables are turned.

ChristmasFluff · 05/03/2023 13:19

It's over, whether you admit it now and call it a day, or carry on and try to paper over the cracks.

If he was genuinely remorseful, he'd have cut contact with her before even telling you.

He clearly gives no fucks about you, so get out with your dignity intact.

EL8888 · 05/03/2023 13:32

TheDalaiShawarma · 05/03/2023 12:17

Do you have a hot, male friend who would be up for a quick shag, OP? Give them a call and ask if they fancy a quickie. Then tell your H what happened, but it’s all ok and doesn’t matter as you admitted it. See how he reacts when the tables are turned.

This. Obviously make clear it was “accidental”. Whatever that means 🙄

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 11:51

he doesn't find it an issue

Would he find it sn issue if you fucked your male "friend" within aboug a year of being married to him?

He's done kind of psychopath.

Don't let him Jedi mind trick you.

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 11:51

*some kind of psychopath

Original poster
ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

OP posts:
whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 12:27

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

Ah right, in that case the fact he is shagging someone else is fine.

OhwhyOY · 06/03/2023 12:32

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

If you split he'd still need to pay you child maintenance so you wouldn't be entirely reliant on your salary. Also are you really going to put finances over happiness? Have you tried asking him yet if he will agree to stop seeing her? If he doesn't, this may sounds harsh but he could leave you for her any day anyway, so you may need to start recognising that your future is apart whatever you decide. What do you want your son to grow up learning about how women should be treated? If he continues to see this woman he is treating you with no respect. You don't want your son to think that's ok or he will have miserable relationships in future.

NowAAT · 06/03/2023 12:39

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 12:23

I do rely on him financially as he has a higher paying job than I do, I also rely on him for childcare as I work 3 days in the week when DS is at school but I also work weekends and if we split id have no childcare so i’d either have to quit my job or drop to just the 3 days so i’d be earning even less than I do now.

OP I don't mean to sound mean but what are you on about? Are you actually being serious? SO because he helps with childcare and he is the higher earner then its all OK? I wish I knew you in real life so I can talk some sense into you because I don't think it's getting through to you on this thread.

headingtosun · 06/03/2023 12:49

The dc isn't his so he wouldn't pay maintenance.
But this is not a good man to build a life with.
You don't have to leave today but you should be building a life just for you and your dc.