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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 06/03/2023 19:31

OMG! So he’s going to keep doing it, and you are going to keep putting up with it as you want the money/lifestyle. That’s basically it in a nutshell, yes? He has zero respect for you op. Good luck with your life choices…

headingtosun · 06/03/2023 19:51

It is okay to own your choices OP and you are placing family income above being treated with respect and care.
As you are staying I would do everything in your power to get yourself into a more stable financial situation in the longer term. Training or retraining for a better paid job, advancing your career as much as possible while you have childcare.

This doesn't seem a sustainable long term relationship not least because there is a reasonable chance your DH will leave.

So get yourself as well prepared as possible so you have choices.

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/03/2023 19:51

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 18:15

No, I don't just want free childcare and moneyHmm. I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

He won’t cut contact,With her. You’ve essentially acquiesced to whatever he wants ,however he behaves and he knows he’s the boss man

Growlybear83 · 06/03/2023 20:06

I'm just wondering why you started this thread, OP? You had had clearly made up your mind that you weren't going to leave him at the outset and you've shown that you've got no self respect whatsoever, so why waste the time of everyone who has posted on this thread with their views and suggestions?

FiddleLeaf · 06/03/2023 20:09

Growlybear83 · 06/03/2023 20:06

I'm just wondering why you started this thread, OP? You had had clearly made up your mind that you weren't going to leave him at the outset and you've shown that you've got no self respect whatsoever, so why waste the time of everyone who has posted on this thread with their views and suggestions?

Oh come on, we’re on here to read other people’s stores and add our 2 cents.

Quit being so aggressive. She owes you nothing.

Ginger1982 · 06/03/2023 20:16

Why did he confess?

I don't understand how both of you are being so casual about. He's basically acting as though it's nothing.

ballsdeep · 06/03/2023 20:16

Op get some bloody self respect! It absolutely astounds me how women just say
oh well, he’s clearly cheated on me, won’t give up seeing the other woman, said sorry and now we all carry on!!!!!
he is playing you. He will do it again and again, of it hasn’t happened before hand.

Emdubz · 06/03/2023 20:18

OP I’ve read the full thread and can’t see anywhere where you have said how you feel, the impact on your self-esteem, what this means for you.

How has this affected you? And how are you planning to move past this if you stay with him?

Eyerollcentral · 06/03/2023 20:38

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 18:15

No, I don't just want free childcare and moneyHmm. I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

He is laughing in your face.

AffIt · 06/03/2023 20:45

Fucking hell - this is a joke thread, isn't it?

Poor you, OP. I really hope you find some self-worth in the future and, more importantly, don't pass your thoughts on what's acceptable in a relationship onto your child / children.

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/03/2023 20:50

Its bad form to berate a poster for not adhering to your advice. Posts are advice not edicts
It’s a discussion thread,@ch91566 isn’t obliged to act the advice from others
Piling in or questioning the Veracity of her posts is not helpful

Crumpleton · 06/03/2023 21:26

If it's the correct for you then stay.
Just don't put yourself in the position where you'll be doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry while the OW gets the wining and dining side.

Hopefully your DH will show some kind of loyalty and return the favour by not shacking up with the OW and leaving you on your own in the long run.

Eskarina1 · 06/03/2023 21:33

Relationships can survive cheating but I'm not sure they can survive where a) the cheating partner doesn't see the big deal and b) they set limits on what they will do to rebuild trust. You knowing he wouldn't cut contact with her because he's known her longer than you is to me a bigger betrayal than the sex.

You can work through this but he has to own what he's done, how big it is and prioritise rebuilding your trust. Anything else is just storing pain for the future

Sheitgeist · 06/03/2023 21:40

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

I'm guessing this 'while' will probably amount to around a week.

OP, please try to step back and look at this situation from the outside. Your husband is a deceitful, self-centred cheat, who values another woman above you. He does something awful, but minimises the awfulness, and disregards your feelings. He is a cunt, and will cheat again. With this woman.

Please find some self respect and dump his sorry philandering arse.

Jooliusreezer · 06/03/2023 21:59

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 18:15

No, I don't just want free childcare and moneyHmm. I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

I want to shake you. 😞

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/03/2023 22:07

Christ sake, what a rabble. ganging up on op and berating her is not supportive. Butt out. Getting all annoyed that she’s not effusive about taking your advice. Give your advice graciously without conditions attached, it’s up to @ch91566 what she does. She has to live this, we get to log off and that’s it

Cece92 · 06/03/2023 22:08

Sorry but you need rid of him! He's taking you for a mug here. He said sorry and so what. You don't accidentally fall into someone else's vagina. The fact he's not willing to cut contact either he's completely taking the piss. X

IneedanewTV · 06/03/2023 22:16

I’m sorry OP but he will go back to her. She is single, has always fancied him and I bet he fancies her. I give him a month I’m afraid. He will go back as he hasn’t actually done anything to not go back.

2chocolateoranges · 07/03/2023 08:49

youve been married only a year and he has cheated already? Forgiving him gives him a green light to continue.

get rid and move back beside family for support, you deserve better than what you are accepting, raise your bar!

ProfessionalWeirdo · 07/03/2023 08:59

Why did he confess?

I'm guessing he did this either to ease his own conscience, or to test the OP's response. Or possibly both.

Btjdkfnn · 07/03/2023 09:12

ProfessionalWeirdo · 07/03/2023 08:59

Why did he confess?

I'm guessing he did this either to ease his own conscience, or to test the OP's response. Or possibly both.

No - it's likely there was a threat from OW's husband to tell OP on them. It's very, very unlikely that this was the first time he shagged OW and plausible that he was the cause of her marriage breakup. He would not have told for no reason.

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 07/03/2023 09:13

‘I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.’

oh come on! Imagine the shoe was in the other foot? Would he be happy with that.
he has ZERO respect for you, that’s clear from his response.

NowAAT · 07/03/2023 09:37

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 18:15

No, I don't just want free childcare and moneyHmm. I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

Alright OP, no problem. I am now done with this thread.
Wish you all the best x

Wellitjustgetsworse · 07/03/2023 10:29

I'm not sure this thread is real. Never seen a thread where something this horrible as happened to a women by her husband and there's this cool wife energy to it. It doesn't make sense.. I know it's hard for things to be conveyed over text but OP herself is coming across like it's no big deal.

Together only couple of years married for one, child isn't his or even that old. She works sure will struggle but also has a family that can support her. Why the hell would you stay? How could you possibly move on and be happy. He's saying he won't even cut of the friendship that has so much potential to ruin your marriage. You are his wife he is a step Dad to your child and that is not enough in his eyes to put you and your child first. Bloody hell.

Most relationships where cheating happens is yeaaars down the line where huge stress of having a baby or whatever and mundane life kicks in, drifting apart over years but this is a year into a marriage and like others said it's very likely he did it before and that's why this women split from her husband.

ItsaMetalBand · 07/03/2023 11:02

You know he's taking you for a mug.

If you accept this then accept that you now have an open marriage, and if someone takes your fancy, it's all fine if you accidentally shag, right?

But also remember that at some point he will shag someone he becomes enthralled with and replace you - if it's not already in motion.

So plan for that day. Study, save, move yourself out of the vulnerable dependent state you are in to a point where when he does fuck off, you won't be screwed financially.