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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed money from my mum

669 replies

Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 10:56

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

OP posts:
leli · 04/03/2023 19:26

I am probably your mother's age. I help my children as much as I can. I would 100% write off the loan and I would give you or your children an additional allowance too - particularly since you are hard working and have cleared your own debts. Well done OP!

Original poster
Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 19:27

LaughingCat · 04/03/2023 19:19

@Finallyoutofthewoods - it sounds like a really sensible plan, moving forward. Good luck!

Thanks! I’ve spent the last couple of years knuckling down on financial planning so that I never have to go back to how it used to be. Plan is once Mum has agreed on payments, the additional money I would usually have paid onto credit cards will be going into a separate bank account. So will be paying her off but also building savings at the same time - and hopefully also able to plan some fun things too

OP posts:
Hudsonriver · 04/03/2023 19:30

Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 19:11

Thanks for all responses - positive and negative

My historic debt that I’ve cleared was amassed for a number of reasons and none were mindless irresponsible spending. White goods, a moderate TV (as we literally didn’t have one), furniture for a completely unfurnished house (ram raided IKEA) and the largest purchase on the credit card was having to have private surgery because what I needed to have done wasn’t covered on the NHS - my surgery and aftercare cost £9k. Other than that - I had a couple of years of having to often put bills and petrol to actually get to work on my credit card as my single income salary literally didn’t cover mine and my kids outgoings. And I’m not sure how much of you know about UC but they don’t pay towards mortgages, only rent, hence why eventually when I sold and rented a property for a couple of years we could begin to get straight financially. It wasn’t clothes and holidays as some have suggested! I wish it was - my wardrobe is naff and I’d love to have travelled more.

I moved in with DP around 18 months ago - when I also changed jobs annd significantly increased my salary and was able to start paying debts off at a higher rate. As for paying towards bills/mortgage and decorating rooms - I would have to do this anyway whether I lived with him or as it would be, in a rented property. We’ve painted rooms and bought bedding - hardly renovation work or anything major. And what I pay towards his house now is significantly less than if I owned it continued to rent a home by myself. Our plan is to eventually sell his house and buy a home together but it wouldn’t be for a number of years since right now, our home is perfect for us and our needs. On the other hand, I’d like to have savings either way so I would always have a back up plan or use this eventually towards our deposit when we buy our home together

My car loan seems to have raised issues with some of you too - please note I travel upwards of 20k miles per annum, usually motorways and I do actually need a suitable car for doing so. I have a fairly decent ‘mum type’ 4x4 style car - which I feel safe in on motorways and it’s safe for my kids. My loan payment for that matches what work pay me in car allowance. My old car cut out frequently on journeys - completely cutting out twice on very busy motorways - if you haven’t been stranded in the middle of a smart motorway where there is no refuge then you cannot begin to comprehend the sheer terror this ensues. Changing my car was the only option here

Im planning on going to see my Mum tomorrow - despite what has been suggested I am very grateful of the £10k she lent to me. It was borrowed in an effort to keep my home, my children’s home that we all loved and unfortunately because of the existing debt and my then low salary it just wasn’t enough to push it all through.

Im going to suggest a monthly payment of £100 a month - which I do feel is reasonable. I would like to start living my life after such a shitty time - yes I do look at holidays but equally my children hear about all the lovely holidays their friends go on and they would like to experience these things too. Why is this deemed to be that I sound irresponsible??

Where I have mentioned her spending - this has only been to factually state the level of her income and spending capability. She is in a very fortunate position but I do also agree with others, that this is the reason that she doesn’t understand exactly what I’ve been through

In your Op

ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

You mention your DM spending in your opening post and in a bitter way tbh.

She spends money like water

Backtracking is quite irritating just because you don't like the replies.

I'm out

Original poster
Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 19:31

sammylady37 · 04/03/2023 19:10

Nothing in OPs posts comes across that she is some air head that doesn’t know what she is doing

Really? Not even the fact that she is spending money decorating and paying a mortgage on a house she doesn’t own, at the same time as owing a 5 figure sum? That seems spectacularly foolish to me, to put it mildly.

If I lived in an owned or rented property by myself, I would be decorating rooms/buying furniture for it regardless. Plus would have all bills to pay rather than it being that I contribute toward them. I can tell you that I definitely prefer paying half of the council tax over the full bill!!

In what world would it be the situation that anyone moved in with a partner and paid absolutely nothing towards the home they live in together??

OP posts:
Crazyindiechick · 04/03/2023 19:40

I think the fact you've turned your finances around shows you are definitely someone who pays their way. Again I stress sone if the people replying must be older entitled people who have no idea just how hard it is to earn a living that pays the bills!

mybunniesandme · 04/03/2023 19:41

massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name

So was the debt yours then or not? If you had £9k of private surgery.....your initial post made out like your ex had run up loads of personal debt which somehow you got saddled with but sounds like the debt was more yours and ours than his??

SingleMumofOne95 · 04/03/2023 19:45

I would try and pay more than £100 some months because your mum has already been waiting years for the money, it’s not fair to keep her waiting potentially another 10.

SingleMumofOne95 · 04/03/2023 19:45

You’ve shown that you can pay off large sums of debt in a short period of time - the same should be done with your mum IMO.

Original poster
Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 19:50

mybunniesandme · 04/03/2023 19:41

massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name

So was the debt yours then or not? If you had £9k of private surgery.....your initial post made out like your ex had run up loads of personal debt which somehow you got saddled with but sounds like the debt was more yours and ours than his??

We lived in the house together - anything bought for the house was jointly ours - all credit cards/credit accounts were in my name. £9k surgery I had already paid off a decent chunk of - I am simply giving examples of why the debts ran so high and that they weren’t from us jetting off on holidays or buying nice clothes but from normal spending and in the latter part of running the debts up, lots was basic things like petrol, food and bills. I must have been adding at least £100 a week to it all just in petrol to get to work and back

OP posts:
Pigletnotatwiglet · 04/03/2023 19:55

Im going to suggest a monthly payment of £100 a month - which I do feel is reasonable

Reasonable to who? You? That will take you 8 and a half years to pay back. Add on the five years already passed which make 13 and a half years to pay back what she gave you.

Absolutely shameful. Will she even see the debt paid off? Or is that what you are banking on.

SingleMumofOne95 · 04/03/2023 19:56

Pigletnotatwiglet · 04/03/2023 19:55

Im going to suggest a monthly payment of £100 a month - which I do feel is reasonable

Reasonable to who? You? That will take you 8 and a half years to pay back. Add on the five years already passed which make 13 and a half years to pay back what she gave you.

Absolutely shameful. Will she even see the debt paid off? Or is that what you are banking on.

Yep that’s exactly what I think - she’s hoping she won’t have to finish paying it off if her mum is elderly.

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 19:57

So the vast bulk of the loan from your mother went on surgery? Presumably elective, if it wasn't covered by the NHS.
That's quite different from "I need it so I didn't lose the house".

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 20:01

Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 19:31

If I lived in an owned or rented property by myself, I would be decorating rooms/buying furniture for it regardless. Plus would have all bills to pay rather than it being that I contribute toward them. I can tell you that I definitely prefer paying half of the council tax over the full bill!!

In what world would it be the situation that anyone moved in with a partner and paid absolutely nothing towards the home they live in together??

Show quote history

In what world would it be the situation that anyone moved in with a partner and paid absolutely nothing towards the home they live in together??
They generally get a place together, op, not have one finance the other's asset. You must know this?!

OhMyOhMyiy · 04/03/2023 20:02

Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 19:31

If I lived in an owned or rented property by myself, I would be decorating rooms/buying furniture for it regardless. Plus would have all bills to pay rather than it being that I contribute toward them. I can tell you that I definitely prefer paying half of the council tax over the full bill!!

In what world would it be the situation that anyone moved in with a partner and paid absolutely nothing towards the home they live in together??

Show quote history

@sammylady37 don’t mean to pick on you but back to my point. You don’t know OP’s situation enough to make a statement like this (although from OPs updates she continues to sound sensible). And most importantly the comment is not helpful. It is more of an attack. No need to answer here but if you had to think why did you respond the way you did what would be the reason? I mean this kindly.

Even if OP was an air head why not try to be helpful and respond constructively instead of putting the boot in.

As said, I mean this kindly and would ask the same question the other posters who were also more in attack rather than helpful mode.

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 20:05

You don’t know OP’s situation enough to make a statement like this (although from OPs updates she continues to sound sensible
None of us know any more than op has posted, and she's not sounding remotely sensible to the vast majority of posters.

Pigletnotatwiglet · 04/03/2023 20:05

Anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

£9k surgery I had already paid off a decent chunk of - I am simply giving examples of why the debts ran so high and that they weren’t from us jetting off on holidays or buying nice clothes but from normal spending

in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name

Emmmmmmmmmmmm except you DID mention holidays and left out the elective surgery bit which cost almost what your mother gave you...

Dip drippity drop.

butterfliedtwo · 04/03/2023 20:11

Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 19:50

We lived in the house together - anything bought for the house was jointly ours - all credit cards/credit accounts were in my name. £9k surgery I had already paid off a decent chunk of - I am simply giving examples of why the debts ran so high and that they weren’t from us jetting off on holidays or buying nice clothes but from normal spending and in the latter part of running the debts up, lots was basic things like petrol, food and bills. I must have been adding at least £100 a week to it all just in petrol to get to work and back

Show quote history

Wow.

I hope all the people who laid into your mum for not basically feeding your kids read this.

100 a month is laughable imo. You ought to treat that loan like any other, at least until your mother suggests otherwise.

Swiftswatch · 04/03/2023 20:13

I just can’t imagine paying £9k on surgery not covered by the NHS to the point that I had to use food banks to feed my children.

And why did you need all new furniture when you moved when you had 10s of thousands of debt? IKEA really isn’t that cheap when you have no money.

OhMyOhMyiy · 04/03/2023 20:13

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 20:05

You don’t know OP’s situation enough to make a statement like this (although from OPs updates she continues to sound sensible
None of us know any more than op has posted, and she's not sounding remotely sensible to the vast majority of posters.

But the way how that majority of posters responded is not helpful. What is the point of that? Lot of responses that were not constructive. And also many that were.

What did the former posters try to achieve with their responses?

SingleMumofOne95 · 04/03/2023 20:19

Swiftswatch · 04/03/2023 20:13

I just can’t imagine paying £9k on surgery not covered by the NHS to the point that I had to use food banks to feed my children.

And why did you need all new furniture when you moved when you had 10s of thousands of debt? IKEA really isn’t that cheap when you have no money.

This. I’ve needed something doing for a few years now but it would cost around £5000. There’s no way my child would be going without for that unless it was affecting my health etc and about the furniture, I would be buying second hand rather than getting into debt spending hundreds brand new - you’re right, I wouldn’t class IKEA as cheap!

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 20:26

I'm not getting the new house completely furnished from IKEA on credit, when everything in the old house belonged to op?
Why??

BellePeppa · 04/03/2023 20:41

OhMyOhMyiy · 04/03/2023 18:56

Nothing in OPs posts comes across that she is some air head that doesn’t know what she is doing. In fact she ended up in a bad situation and got herself out of it.

For the people who commented things such as you should treat the loan same way as you would with a bank so pay up, my children don’t expect money from me and want me to spend it on what ever I want, debt is a debt - you need to pay, some assumptions about OPs personality and life and many other themes I can’t remember.

I want to know. Is this a cultural thing? All those people obviously must have their own experiences and are slightly invested. Comparing child parent relationship with a relationship with a corporate institution is a bit weird.

The now relatively well of mum who thinks she should be able to spend her money on what ever she wants and shouldn’t need to worry about her grown up children anymore where is that coming from? What experiences they had. What if it was reverse? Wealthy daughter or son, mum struggling and having to use food bank. Surely which ever way round, unless some other history, why would you want to watch your family in hardship when you yourself can help and are comfortable? This is now not about OPs situation but a question in general as some of the comments felt so invested.

OP also wanted to get a view from strangers on said topic, why the need for almost personal attacks? From her updates she has used the comments to decide her next action, thing that many people aim to do when they decide to ask a question on here. Where is the need to be nasty coming from?

Good post and it always amazes me that adult child helping out parent who is struggling is rarely frowned upon but parent helping adult child is seen as a shameful (or grabby) thing.

Original poster
Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 20:44

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 19:57

So the vast bulk of the loan from your mother went on surgery? Presumably elective, if it wasn't covered by the NHS.
That's quite different from "I need it so I didn't lose the house".

I had surgery 10 years ago - years before I borrowed money from my mum

OP posts:
niugboo · 04/03/2023 20:44

Isn’t aware of what you’ve been through?! Yes she is. she loaned you £10K.

look at your outgoings. Your expenses. Mobile phones. TV’s. Internet. All luxuries she didn’t have. If you can’t pay her back cut back.

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 20:45

Finallyoutofthewoods · 04/03/2023 20:44

I had surgery 10 years ago - years before I borrowed money from my mum

Show quote history

Did you go into debt for the surgery?

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