Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

That’s nice, but it’s got zero to do with the fact that OP asked her mother for a loan, and as such is expected to pay it back.

@NattyNamechanger

Only those who constantly eye other people's money, wheedle,manipulate and demand.
When they don't get their way they insult.

People who base their financial decisions on getting other people's money make poor decisions.
Easy come easy go mentality.
Nothing to do with poverty and everything to do with being entitled and making poor

So exactly who are you referring to on this thread? If it's OP ( although you seem to have extended this opinion to anyone who disagrees with you) she has not said that the money won't be paid back and has acknowledged that it was a loan. Nor is she already planning meals out and holidays, she said that she would like to. Not a fait accompli but after 5 years of struggle it's not surprising that she'd like to were it possible.

If you are generalising, I can't think of anyone I know that would base their financial decisions on getting other people's money and I fail to see how you can accuse posters that you don't know and who have shown a little empathy towards OP of entitlement and poor financial decision making!

Really have no idea where you are getting all this from.
The Op is discussing her mother's spending, criticising her and using it as an excuse not to pay her back.
The DM coughed up 10K loan to help the Op and she's irritated that the DM is possibly thinking of asking for it back.
Because she would rather go on holiday and pay for meals out.
It's there in black and white in the OP

Perhaps your reading comprehension is poor,perhaps you are like the Op?
Who knows??

My goodness, more made up nonsense. Not emotional at all, dear.

Just pointing out a fact. How puzzling that you'd find facts as emotional. Neither you or @TomatoSandwiches has any idea of people's situations. To draw the conclusion that this means they are more likely to be borrowers than lenders is illogical as well as pointless.

But you've found lots of other people banging on about entitlement so you feel good about yourself I'm sure.

If you think my disagreeing with you touches a nerve because I somehow think you're right, you couldn't be more mistaken.

@NattyNamechanger

Sorry, hadn't read your last reply.

Thankfully I think the types that think they deserve others money for nothing are rare, however for those in genuine trouble, the have nots will always look at the haves with longing due to what appears to them to be a relatively stress free existence.

As I said before, not everyone is blessed with good financial acumen and those that are are not immune to life's' curve balls either. A decent society makes allowances for the myriad of reasons people fall into financial distress.

@NattyNamechanger

My reading comprehension is good enough to be able to stick to what the OP has actually said in her posts and not add to or take away her words, nor take them out of context.

It also helps to be able to read between the lines a little. Clearly the OP has been living under a lot of stress and worry for a prolonged period and is probably worn out, hence the dreams of a holiday and meals out. Of course it would be a relief if her mum waived the debt, however she is clearly aware of her responsibilities and worried about it hence the post. Family dynamics and history will have a part to play too.

It's rarely that cut and dried that one can jump to conclusions about people's motives and character defaults without having the whole picture.

Hmm lets unpick this a bit.

The debt originated from putting stuff on a credit card live home improvments and holidays which was a bit irresponsible. I mean if you can't afford a holiday you dont go!.
You then approached your mum with the tale that you were £10k short to take on the mortgage. This didnt happen, and she must feel a little cheated. Did you offe ryour mum the money back at that point?

Well think of the paying back the money has helping her swell her care home funds because that’s where she’d be going in the future if it were left up to me.

You little charmer. You are so worthy of a ten grand payout 🤣🤣🤣

Haha😁 I just think swap money for time. You’re mean with your money to your own daughter I’ll be mean with my time. Helping isn’t a one way street.

Maybe op's time isn't worth ten grand...

I am surprised that your Mum didn't just give you the money - unless you have a long history of being hopeless with your finances and always asking for loans.

We have nowhere near as much as your Mum but have given far more than that to our children over the years.

The ideal solution would be for less money to be willed to you - or repayment of the debt over a fairly long period.

am surprised that your Mum didn't just give you the money - unless you have a long history of being hopeless with your finances and always asking for loans

😂

You won't be paying for it, so I doubt the OPs mother cares. If you rtft you will see that she is a great deal sharper than the op.

If I was your mum and in her position, I would definitely write it off.

Nothing in OPs posts comes across that she is some air head that doesn’t know what she is doing. In fact she ended up in a bad situation and got herself out of it.

For the people who commented things such as you should treat the loan same way as you would with a bank so pay up, my children don’t expect money from me and want me to spend it on what ever I want, debt is a debt - you need to pay, some assumptions about OPs personality and life and many other themes I can’t remember.

I want to know. Is this a cultural thing? All those people obviously must have their own experiences and are slightly invested. Comparing child parent relationship with a relationship with a corporate institution is a bit weird.

The now relatively well of mum who thinks she should be able to spend her money on what ever she wants and shouldn’t need to worry about her grown up children anymore where is that coming from? What experiences they had. What if it was reverse? Wealthy daughter or son, mum struggling and having to use food bank. Surely which ever way round, unless some other history, why would you want to watch your family in hardship when you yourself can help and are comfortable? This is now not about OPs situation but a question in general as some of the comments felt so invested.

OP also wanted to get a view from strangers on said topic, why the need for almost personal attacks? From her updates she has used the comments to decide her next action, thing that many people aim to do when they decide to ask a question on here. Where is the need to be nasty coming from?

I'd take a deep breath, first congratulate yourself for getting this far. Think of how much living is enough for you to get back to the grinding wheel (if we don't live, we literally will work ourselves into the dirt no matter what others feel of our situation). I'd talk with your mom about when you're willing to resume payments, and be plain with her - that you've pushed yourself hard just to get to the point of starting to pay her back, and you can't realistically keep pushing yourself at the same rate. Talk with her about what rate would work for both you and her, and budget everything down.

My mom has what she calls a "spending budget" where she sets aside what she can use to "live" such as going out for dinners, or going to a show... I realize it's not the type of life you're yearning for - but realistically until debt free it will loom over you. You're not giving up on yourself or on her, and you're not financially corrupt to give yourself a little of what you've been working on - as long as you communicate what you're doing and why.

She's your mom - mom's usually have gone through more than they're even willing to explain until the kids go through something similar. Her situation now, likely doesn't reflect what she had to go through to get there either. Same with yours, your situation now doesn't reflect what you had to go through to get their either - and yet people will be jealous because they don't know this. Lets let the past stay in the past and think about how to press forward instead.

I'm glad you're in a better relationship now, and you're not where you were anymore - I would suggest thinking of a backdrop "Just in case" plan - but not to rely on it, more of a just in case y'know? After all, once you do start paying things back to your mom, you want it to be consistent no matter what chaos might occur... and life has a lot of ups and downs. I hope that the man you're with now is your forever home and lover - and if he is, he'll understand why you're wanting to take precautions. A good relationship comes with understanding from both sides, and it's up to those in the relationship to determine how they do that. (as an example, my husband and I hate talking about problems, but we've both gone through enough we can both plan ahead without putting undue stress on the situation).

First, write pros and cons on a piece of paper, and write out a few plans of how you can proceed, and what the consequences are if you take the plan. Then present those paper(s) to your husband and/or your mom (use your intuition here). Pick the one that seems to work best with all parties involved, and make sure it's clear - perhaps even written down. If your mom drops it that's up to her entirely - I wouldn't ask her personally.. I'd just own up to the original deal you made with her. You'd be surprised how much a mom will go out of her way to help when she knows you're not trying to shift the weight at all and knows what your situation is. (mom's are not mind readers after all, but they are moms.).

I hope some of this helps, remember to take a bath, relax, give yourself some love and care as you definitely need that to continue. Then spend at least a good week or two thinking of things on your end before you communicate what your working with (preferrably on paper so that they can read it for themselves).
After that, whatever plan comes out on top after communications, stick to it. Your life is not over, and neither is your life of your kids, or your husband, or your mom. As long as life continues, anything could happen - so keep your spirits up in any way you can, and try to be as honest and straightforward as you can while keeping your word. (honesty is the best policy because it cleans things up for a cleaner future).

Just remember this is just my 2 cents though - ultimately it's up to you to decide who's advice you want to follow, and how much you want to follow it. I just recommend thinking about your future as well as taking a small amount of time for yourself before resuming payments (just don't stretch that time out too much, or it'll look like it's being dodged all together, especially without communication).

As a side note, look up adrenaline fatigue and make sure you're not scrapped for internal resources as well. Remember what I said about being worked to death? If we don't look out for ourselves, no-one will cause they'll think everything's fine until it's too late.

-- anyway, best of luck.

So if you’re a stay at home mother it’s not his money you’re living off, it belongs to the both of you because you’ve been raising his kids and allowed him to advance in his career. This holds true unless your adult child wants it, in that case you better hand it over, you absolute sponger. The fact that said child has done even less to earn than you have is to be ignored.

@OhMyOhMyiy Culturally, I have no expectations in regards to someone else’s money, and nor do I think I’m entitled to decide what someone else should do. What my family does is irrelevant to any other family, same as what another family does is irrelevant to mine.

In this situation, OP asked for a loan, and as such the mother expects to be paid back.

Nothing in OPs posts comes across that she is some air head that doesn’t know what she is doing

Really? Not even the fact that she is spending money decorating and paying a mortgage on a house she doesn’t own, at the same time as owing a 5 figure sum? That seems spectacularly foolish to me, to put it mildly.

Thanks for all responses - positive and negative

My historic debt that I’ve cleared was amassed for a number of reasons and none were mindless irresponsible spending. White goods, a moderate TV (as we literally didn’t have one), furniture for a completely unfurnished house (ram raided IKEA) and the largest purchase on the credit card was having to have private surgery because what I needed to have done wasn’t covered on the NHS - my surgery and aftercare cost £9k. Other than that - I had a couple of years of having to often put bills and petrol to actually get to work on my credit card as my single income salary literally didn’t cover mine and my kids outgoings. And I’m not sure how much of you know about UC but they don’t pay towards mortgages, only rent, hence why eventually when I sold and rented a property for a couple of years we could begin to get straight financially. It wasn’t clothes and holidays as some have suggested! I wish it was - my wardrobe is naff and I’d love to have travelled more.

I moved in with DP around 18 months ago - when I also changed jobs annd significantly increased my salary and was able to start paying debts off at a higher rate. As for paying towards bills/mortgage and decorating rooms - I would have to do this anyway whether I lived with him or as it would be, in a rented property. We’ve painted rooms and bought bedding - hardly renovation work or anything major. And what I pay towards his house now is significantly less than if I owned it continued to rent a home by myself. Our plan is to eventually sell his house and buy a home together but it wouldn’t be for a number of years since right now, our home is perfect for us and our needs. On the other hand, I’d like to have savings either way so I would always have a back up plan or use this eventually towards our deposit when we buy our home together

My car loan seems to have raised issues with some of you too - please note I travel upwards of 20k miles per annum, usually motorways and I do actually need a suitable car for doing so. I have a fairly decent ‘mum type’ 4x4 style car - which I feel safe in on motorways and it’s safe for my kids. My loan payment for that matches what work pay me in car allowance. My old car cut out frequently on journeys - completely cutting out twice on very busy motorways - if you haven’t been stranded in the middle of a smart motorway where there is no refuge then you cannot begin to comprehend the sheer terror this ensues. Changing my car was the only option here

Im planning on going to see my Mum tomorrow - despite what has been suggested I am very grateful of the £10k she lent to me. It was borrowed in an effort to keep my home, my children’s home that we all loved and unfortunately because of the existing debt and my then low salary it just wasn’t enough to push it all through.

Im going to suggest a monthly payment of £100 a month - which I do feel is reasonable. I would like to start living my life after such a shitty time - yes I do look at holidays but equally my children hear about all the lovely holidays their friends go on and they would like to experience these things too. Why is this deemed to be that I sound irresponsible??

Where I have mentioned her spending - this has only been to factually state the level of her income and spending capability. She is in a very fortunate position but I do also agree with others, that this is the reason that she doesn’t understand exactly what I’ve been through

@sammylady37 was just going to post the same thing. Nuts to pay into a house you don't own when you owe money out.

If you moved in with a partner in their home, would you expect to live there free of charge?

I think £100 a month is a sensible amount. It shows her you're prepared to pay her back and it gives you enough to be a little bit more comfortable too @Finallyoutofthewoods

@Finallyoutofthewoods I would pay my way unlike you lol

@Finallyoutofthewoods - it sounds like a really sensible plan, moving forward. Good luck!