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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

625 replies

Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 12:57

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/03/2023 13:02

He's an arsehole. Why would he do that when he knows mornings are difficult for you?

Arebella · 02/03/2023 13:02

The setup sounds wrong. A 6 year old child shouldn't be left to their own devices every morning. They need an adult around. Can your DH change working hours so that he's available and not working when they are getting ready for school? Whichever way you look at it, this setup isn't fair to the children.

Bunnyishotandcross · 02/03/2023 13:02

If your dh is wanking and waking you up he needs a reality check. Fucking grim and so don't care what the cool posters say! Normal practice yes. In private yes also. Urgh op.

SavBlancTonight · 02/03/2023 13:03

So usually he's understanding but today he wasn't? It sounds to me like something has changed. He has decided that actually, leaving you to sleep is not okay.

I don't understand the alarms. If DH is in charge of taking the DC to school, why can't he just get them up and moving while you sleep? Why all the alarms? Maybe he thinks it's a bit silly that you're half awake. Either be awake or be asleep?

Goingoutdancing · 02/03/2023 13:04

Ew he wanking in the bed. That's disgusting let alone all the other selfish behaviours

Original poster
Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 13:04

Bunnyishotandcross · 02/03/2023 13:02

If your dh is wanking and waking you up he needs a reality check. Fucking grim and so don't care what the cool posters say! Normal practice yes. In private yes also. Urgh op.

Not that thankfully!! Just general messing about, phone etc - probably wouldn't wake anyone else but it does me for some reason, and he knows fine well that it does. He'll mess about in bed on weekends as well so I can't sleep in.

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 02/03/2023 13:04

Dh being really gross aside, I don't think you should be leaving a 6yo to sort themselves out.

Could you get up and sit on the sofa? So still resting but also supervising?

However, dh was an arse to throw a child at you in that way. If he's frustrated with being the sole parent in the morning he needs to talk to you about it and come to a compromise not throw an aggressive tizzy.

Arebella · 02/03/2023 13:07

Cut him some slack in that this doesn't sound great for him either. Can't look on his phone in his own bed, needs to work but kids need to get ready for school. I dont have the answers, maybe some hired help? A nanny?

Is it something that you can be up and supervise, and go back to bed when they are in school? What happens on the days your DH is in the office?

SomersetONeil · 02/03/2023 13:09

So you have a series of alarms that wake you up anyway, and you call to your kids from your bed…?

Your DH is a dick, but the whole set up seems strange.

Original poster
Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 13:09

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 02/03/2023 13:04

Dh being really gross aside, I don't think you should be leaving a 6yo to sort themselves out.

Could you get up and sit on the sofa? So still resting but also supervising?

However, dh was an arse to throw a child at you in that way. If he's frustrated with being the sole parent in the morning he needs to talk to you about it and come to a compromise not throw an aggressive tizzy.

My DC are fine dressing themselves and older DC sorts cereal out - if they have problems or need me, they come to me. When DH isn't at home everything gets done in time, I help with clothes than need helping with, doing hair etc. He didn't actually do much this morning and didn't need to do anything at all, he was just interfering. He does this every so often, a big song and dance about how I'm not doing enough. Usually when I'm having a horrible flare up and really struggling. Usually he'll apologise after I get cross though!

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 02/03/2023 13:11

I get it - I also have an autoimmune condition that's massively glaring at the moment and I feel very similar to you in the morning (especially on mornings like today when DS was up sick all night!). But, I kind of have to suck it up. I get up early to take my meds so that they've kicked in a bit by the time my DS gets up at 7ish. I'm not bounding out of bed and often have to bum shuffle around for the first hour of the day but it's one of the shitty parts of being a parent and having a chronic illness. Sometimes I also take painkillers last thing at night too so that they're still in my system a bit when I wake up which makes the morning a bit easier.

Hobbesmanc · 02/03/2023 13:14

Sorry that you have your health challenges. But I think you're being unreasonable by insinuating that your husband woke you by wanking. Don't believe you didn't intend that to grab sympathy and gross us out.

Original poster
Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 13:15

SomersetONeil · 02/03/2023 13:09

So you have a series of alarms that wake you up anyway, and you call to your kids from your bed…?

Your DH is a dick, but the whole set up seems strange.

I have mobility problems. They are worst when I first wake up. If I'm having a great day and am capable of getting up, I do. On my worst days I can barely turn over at first and am in agony and find it hard to wake fully. It's awful but cope as best as I can, the kids are happy and healthy, yes they do more for themselves than other children but that's a positive in some ways. I've been having medication changes so going through a rough patch at the moment, which is why I'm so annoyed at DH, he knows all this better than anyone!

OP posts:
Original poster
Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 13:18

Hobbesmanc · 02/03/2023 13:14

Sorry that you have your health challenges. But I think you're being unreasonable by insinuating that your husband woke you by wanking. Don't believe you didn't intend that to grab sympathy and gross us out.

I honestly didn't think of that, I just didn't want to go into it because he thinks it's weird that just looking at his phone wakes me up, and it is, I don't know why it does and didn't really want to get into it here as it's not really the point.

OP posts:
StarsSand · 02/03/2023 13:18

He shouldn't have literally dumped the child onto you.

However id be frustrated to if I was the sole earner supporting a SAHM to two school aged children who apparently spend their mornings without any adult supervision or support.

Could you go to bed earlier?

I don't know your health condition but the set up makes me sad for your children. It sounds so strange getting themselves ready while you shout from your bed.

sillysmiles · 02/03/2023 13:19

Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 13:04

Not that thankfully!! Just general messing about, phone etc - probably wouldn't wake anyone else but it does me for some reason, and he knows fine well that it does. He'll mess about in bed on weekends as well so I can't sleep in.

Show quote history

So everything has to be done to accommodate you, but he is selfish? He can't read his phone in the morning before getting up? He can't chill out in bed at the weekends on his phone but you get to sleep in?

ConcordeOoter · 02/03/2023 13:19

YABU. Not because no parent should be allowed a lie-in, only because it's reasonable to expect you to attend to your 6 year old when the other parent is actually at work doing their job, that isn't something you can get fairly annoyed at someone for.

Honestly from his reaction it sounds like you are expecting this to be OK when it isn't ok and mot asking beforehand to ensure it doesn't cause problems with work. Maybe some communication is needed?

StarsSand · 02/03/2023 13:21

Just read your update. If you're worst when you first wake up, could you try setting your alarm for 6am and spending time before the children are up stretching and getting through the worst of it?

Presumably you can sleep while they are at school?

I'd be prioritising the face time with the children TBH.

Original poster
Somanysocksbutnopairs · 02/03/2023 13:21

The 'go to bed earlier' was used by him too, but it's not how it works. I got a full 8 hours sleep but during that 8 hours my immune system was attacking me the whole night, so I don't wake up rested, I wake up feeling as you would if you had the flu. It's not that I don't want to jump up out of bed, it's that I physically can't.

OP posts:
jays · 02/03/2023 13:22

This is going to sound harsh but please understand that I am coming from the best possible place. I understand what you’re going through. First hand. I will say that it’s so easy to lose sight of what impact that has on your household and how oppressive it can feel for your dh and children because it’s so easy for it to become about your needs. Again, I’m speaking from experience. All I can say is that everyone has a braking point and wriggling about a bed or moving around…. I think you’re asking for a lot from him to walk on eggshells and again, from experience, if they walk out, you’ll NEEED to be the one up and you’ll need to deal with it all it’s so hard to see it from the other person’s perspective when you’re in pain and suffering and I’d have taken the head off someone who said any of what I’m saying to you to me back in the day. All I can say is I didn’t realise how hard someone was trying and how much of an effect and impact on their life my illness was having until it was too late. It’s just something to think about. Not saying it’s the case for you. All the best, I know how much of a strain this can all put on a family. I think the key is to understand that it’s impacting everyone to an extent. X

sillysmiles · 02/03/2023 13:22

My DC are fine dressing themselves and older DC sorts cereal out - if they have problems or need me, they come to me. When DH isn't at home everything gets done in time, I help with clothes than need helping with, doing hair etc. He didn't actually do much this morning and didn't need to do anything at all, he was just interfering

This also sounds like the 9 yr old is getting the 6 yr old sorted while you are in bed and then someone else comes and walks you kids to school.
So what time do you actually get up?

CattySam · 02/03/2023 13:22

Your post is written to make your DH out to be the bad guy! Especially the insinuating he’d been wanking next to you. WTF?

He has to sort kids, do school run and work. No wonder he is stressed. And 7.30 is a lie in!

You need to communicate with him.

StarsSand · 02/03/2023 13:24

The guy can't read his phone in his own bed?

YABVU

pringlesinacan · 02/03/2023 13:24

Poor bloke can't even come to by sitting and looking at his phone? You seem to be so tired you fall back to sleep so why can't he have 10 mins chill time before he has to get up and start everything? That's his way of coming to, yours is multiple alarms. It works both ways!

seratoninmoonbeams · 02/03/2023 13:25

Couldn't you