To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Yeah that makes sense. He’s either resentful or he’s being a dick or both. I do get it though I could sleep 14 hours and still be tired. The fatigue never goes away. Hopefully your rheumatologist can get you on better meds to help even a little.

I understand your illness but you should get getting up on a morning even if its sitting in the lounge / kitchen in your pjs still rather than laying in bed and hoping the children get themselves ready.

@Somanysocksbutnopairs

You have massive sympathies from me as I also have a chronic illness.

From your replies it sounds like your DH finds it stressful not having the kids supervised in the morning and that he feels like he has to be involved, delaying his work start, even though you think you have it sorted.

Can you not go to bed earlier so you still get the 8 hours, get up gently take meds etc, and then you can spent the rest of day recovering if need be? If you're able to be up and functional at some point in the day, why not just start 2 hours earlier? It sounds like your DH would prefer this, rather getting other stuff done that you've mentioned.

If not I think you need to formalise it - you sleep in til whenever, but you hire some help in the morning so your DH doesn't feel he needs to supervise.

I would also find it a massive nightmare trying to sleep but having an alarm go off every 15 mins and then having to shout and listen for replies! Maybe you'd benefit more with 8-10 hours uninterrupted sleep?

I don't understand some of these comments.

Are some of you raising kids to be totally dependent on you until they move out?

What's wrong with a 9 & 6 yr old getting their-selves ready for school and pouring some cereal and milk in a bowl to eat?

Some of you sound ridiculous. No wonder I see threads on here whinging about how their teenagers won't do anything around the house and are lazy etc. It's HOW YOU RAISED THEM.

They are obviously quite capable of getting their-selves ready for school and if they have any problems off course they'll get support. I doubt OP's gonna be in bed snoring whilst her kids screams for help!

Whilst I appreciate how a chronic condition must be horrific to live with I also think people can be so wrapped up in their own needs that they can become selfish toward those that love them.

I think your DH had a bad day. Nothing more, nothing less.

No ,you can’t leave a 6 year old to parent themselves in a morning
you need to rethink
get up with the kids and go back to bed later
or Dh looks after them ,or use a childminder till school starts

It sounds like the kids do want attention and have started going to OPs partner who needs to be working/getting ready for work.

I agree with others as the partner I'd find it more stressful having someone say that they are supervising, but not feeling like they actually are. Because then you'd end up feeling like you have to do all the work anyway.

@Somanysocksbutnopairs I don't think it's wrong of you in the slighest to need to sleep and you have all my sympathies, but I think you need to change the morning routine as it's not working for your partner Is there someone local you could hire to just generally chivvy and pay some attention to the kids in the morning?

In the case of an emergency, how quickly is she going to be able to get to the children if she is dozing in bed?

She's said herself that if they want her they go to her - what if something happens which means they can't?

I don't follow my children around, hovering behind them, but I am present and available to them. The other day my 6 year old hurt herself and I heard her say to my 9 year old 'get mum'. I was there in seconds. Would I have been if I was snoozing in bed? And I am able bodied, so can hop out in no time.

They are little for such a small amount of time, making their breakfast for them is hardly smothering them.

The trouble is your husband is only human and could be the most sympathetic spouse in the world (or not) but the ongoing, chronic ill health of a partner is going to take its toll. There’s no good guy or bad guy in such a scenario as everyone in the household suffers the impact.

Maybe separate beds so you can both get as much sleep or fidgeting as you need without impacting the other. The rest - I’ve no idea how you solve.

I have massive sympathy for you with a chronic condition. I understand it’s tough.

however

i do think your husband is under a lot of pressure, it’s hard for him too, and you seem to not understand or care about that. You expect it all to be about you, he can’t even read his phone in the morning. He’s doing it all and I can understand he’s get frustrated and angry with the situation.

Ok so my mum has RA so I understand the condition, and what it is like to be a child of someone who has this condition.

It’s absolutely understandable that your DH is going to have shit days. He is taking a lot on - sole breadwinner, parenting duties and caring for his DW is a lot, and you need to be able to have some empathy for him.

Yes you have the shittiest end of the stick here OP, but your DH is carrying an awful lot of the weight of it , and he will have bad days because of it.

Tough love time I’m afraid OP- you need to figure out a way of getting up in the morning and being present for your kids - speaking from my own experience here, with the best will and empathy in the world - it is still horrible being left to it all the time.

And you’re also not engaging with a single be of the posts that are in any way critical, only the supportive ones

I’m going to go against the grain here. I don’t blame your DH. It’s got to be grating for this to be the daily routine.

You have children to get organised for school. Your health issues are obviously crap for you and that’s a shame, but you need to get yourself up in the morning despite the difficulty and get going in order to get your children organised. It sounds very dysfunctional. Go to bed an hour earlier. You say you feel crap anyway and get 8 hours sleep, so you don’t actually need more sleep, you just need to get going earlier. Go to bed an hour earlier, set your alarm for 6.30am so hopefully by 7.30am you will have managed to get up and going and get your kids up.

Again, how can you manage to get up and get dressed and out the door to medical appointments?

I can understand what you're saying but dad was home though? From what I understand from OP's post is that she does get up with the kids sand sort them out etc but went back to bed because her husband was home.

referring to her post below

"My DC are fine dressing themselves and older DC sorts cereal out - if they have problems or need me, they come to me. When DH isn't at home everything gets done in time, I help with clothes than need helping with, doing hair etc. He didn't actually do much this morning and didn't need to do anything at all, he was just interfering."

Because you know you have to do it and you might arrange your appointments later in the day and pace yourself and it's not every single day

It's not just tired (I have 5 autoimmune conditions) it's sheer "I need to sleep now" and feeling sick from how fatigued you are
I work FT 40hrs so often nap after work or go to bed at 8 and sleep straight through
Plus side effects of meds, one I do on a Friday so I don't affect work, 24hrs of flu symptoms, headache, shivering, uncontrollable fever and bone pain

I struggle to work which is much like managing to get up for medical appointments- I do it because I HAVE to work but on a weekend I struggle to get up

This sounds really awful for you, and I really sympathise. But I'm afraid I have to agree with @jays

I think he's at the end of this tether, and everything you're writing sounds is all about you. I get that, I do. But, how is he feeling? This sounds really full on for him too. And as jays said, it's easier for him to leave than you. Just make sure he's not being pushed to the limit, and you understand each other.

Much of the input kids need is not the type they’ll scream or even go out of their way to ask for. Being present for kids that age is about more than just practically assisting them.

Yes, perhaps, definitely not OP with chronic illness. I think she would benefit from 10 hours of sleep, as normal person does from 7-8.

This.

It’s very very hard having a chronic illness. It’s also hard supporting someone with a chronic illness. It’s easy to forget that.

It doesn't absolve you of your parental responsibility.
You need to go to bed earlier and set your alarm earlier, so you wake up in good time to orient yourself.
You can't cherry pick at parenting.
I feel sorry for your DH, he's doing it all and he's not even allowed to look at his phone.
What would you do if you were a single parent?

So it would seem that your DH is working full time and doing the bulk of the child care, housework and cooking. He can never have a lie in at weekends. I appreciate you are not well, so what measures can you put in place to make things easier, can your kitchen be adapted for example so you can do cooking sitting down? Do you have anyone who would be able to look after the DC for an evening or weekend occasionally to give you both a break. ? Can you afford a cleaner or a nanny?