To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

I agree. There should be an engaged adult supporting them, not just a 9 Yr old sibling.
This really isn't the norm and not OK

What time does dp start work when he's wfh? As in if he starts work at 8, then it's not unreasonable there needs to be another adult to take over at 8.00

If he doesn't start till 9.00 and he's refusing to help from 8.00 that's different

The thing is he doesn't have to sort the kids out, we have a routine that works and usually I am more available to them but this morning was a particularly bad one. And to clarify again, I didn't mean to insinuate he was wanking I was actually trying to avoid focus on the innocent activity that wakes me! That's why I said not to me - in case people thought he was pestering for sex or something!

Yabu
im in the same predicament as you and you do still need to get up with your children.. none of this is unreasonable.

YABU if he's just sat on his phone he's not really waking you up, that respect you are being very unreasonable.
I have many chronic illnesses myself and I sympathise mornings are the worse for us, but if he's always the one getting up to dc then maybe he's at the end of his tether while your lying in.
One or two mornings a week won't hurt you getting up earlier set your alarm for 6am and it give you time to wake up and slowly rise out of bed this is what I do.

He's a cunt.

many of the posters clearly do not understand such debilitating illness, pay no attention to them.

They clearly also have NO experience with children who have a very ill
parent. You don't even require them to be young carers as many require. Those posters need to go and check out what 'young caters' do & accept that a 6 year old can dress themselves.

Have it out with super cunt & if he can't be a supportive husband/dad, tell him to fuck off.

You don't choose this illness, so he needs to step up or fuck off.

I am really really angry that he'd dump your 6 year old on you when he knows how much pain you're in. Seriously what a cunt.

💐

oh & I never use that word, that's how angry & sad/hurt I am on your behalf!

People are coming at you forgetting that you are telling them that you're ill. But it's because this set up is shit for your kids. They need adult supervision. Are you in a position to hire a nanny? Do you have space to sleep in a separate bedroom so your DH can still have his freedom? I feel for your situation, but I feel for your DH too, we all hit breaking point. Can you use ear plugs, he is allowed to nose on his phone. His life sounds restricted as it is.

You're putting parental responsibilities onto a nine year old, I don't think that's fair.

I have what you have and trust me, if he walks out because you won’t tolerate him looking at his phone because your sleep must be protected at all times and you end up a single parent, you’re going to have to get out of your bed! You’ll need to get up! …. harsh, maybe, but it’s true. If you genuinely can’t move you need to see a rheumatologist and get your meds reevaluated. You need to think about your children and your husband here, it sounds miserable for them.

YABU if he's just sat on his phone he's not really waking you up, that respect you are being very unreasonable.

well if it wakes her up, because of the light or he has sound on or whatever, then how is she U? It wakes her up. If she's unreasonable for wishing he wouldn't? meh. Not sure. My DH doesn't do anything deliberately wake me up but he's just kind like that to lazy-arse me. I will wakeup at the slightest noise or movement, it's just how i am and mostly it takes me ages to get back to sleep. But that's my problem. I am not unreasonable to a) wake up at things other people don't and b) be grumpy about it (in general, not at anyone) because it leaves me tired.

There are plenty of women who get up, take care of kids, take care of a disabled DH and then go to work without people jumping all over them. I'm not sure how this is different.

I feel very sad for 2 children that are effectively having to parent themselves.

It's not right.

You sound very selfish . Could you not just sit on the settee , supervise and then go back to bed . What are we talking here an hour?
I'd be dumping the children on you too if the poor man can't spend 10 minutes on his phone when he wakes up , as it inteferes with your sleep of which you've had 8 hours..This is before he gets the children ready , before he gets their breakfast and before he goes to work while someone else walks your children to school?
Who does the evening meals , bath and bedtime
It sounds like he's at breaking point to be honest

@WinterMusings a six year old can dress themselves. It's not just about the practical support, it's about being there with them, emotional support, taking to them, investing in the relationship, showing them they are important and cared for.

Not mum lying in bed shouting 'are you dressed?' and hitting the snooze button if she likes the answer.

Even if OP can't dress them, she should get up and spend time with them.

I would be fed up with this if I were your husband you sound selfish and lazy

If you were not home in the morning what difference would it have on the household?

Imagine if genders were reversed women as sole breadwinner, man 'meant' to be SAHD though lays in bed all morning and others then do the school run

Kids not being bathed before school or parent monitoring their morning routine

Yanbu x

Imagine if genders were reversed women as sole breadwinner, man 'meant' to be SAHD though lays in bed all morning and others then do the school run

lots of studies show that if women need to do a caring role for their partner for the most part they step up. Some leave. Where the roles are reversed? many more male partners leave than step up to live up to "in sickness and in health" so there is no need to beat up someone who has a condition they can't easily control.

Oh believe me, I am having them re-evaluated, I've been switching meds constantly for years with some successes and some failures. That's why I'm not great at the moment. It's so hard, I'm trying so hard, and this morning was particularly difficult and I couldn't understand why my DH felt I needed to be up when the kids were already sorted!

If the amount of sleep makes no difference then what's the point in sleeping in?

I think it really depends what happens with his wfh at 8 (and if it starts at 8)

When my partner is wfh they have some flexibility and could do things like keep an eye on kids, be available for emergencies and shout up the stairs etc. She could manage to cover a bit of extra sleep in odd occasions where I needed it.

When I work from home there are significant periods where I have to be treated like I'm not there and I can't even use the loo myself freely. I'm fully engaged in tasks that either need concentration or in meetings which you can't dip out of.

If I had kids at home, I'd have to hand them off to someone else at that point because I'm at work and not present for parenting.

Sometimes wfh is a red herring and people are just as absent as if they were out of the home

What do you do the rest of the day as a SAHM?

Op, just try it two days a week out of seven get up with your kids. It'll help your marriage believe me.
I know it's hard and I know you'll suffer more through the day I get it but honestly you do need to think of your dc and DH here too. It can't always be about you lovely. Your children shouldn't be getting ready by themselves while you hit snooze.

God people are coming at you like you're perfectly healthy and deciding to stay in bed longer one day for the fun of it. Absolutely no understanding of chronic illnesses from some people who are fortunate enough not to suffer from them.

If they need me they come in to me, if I'm not up. We live on a single floor, the younger one often comes in for a cuddle and the older a chat. Today was unusual in that they'd sorted themselves out early and I was struggling so I was taking advantage of that.

@WinterMusings I'm crying from your post, someone understands. I try so hard, this isn't what I would have chosen for myself or my family at all.

What did the "not to me tho" comment actually mean?

I agree with this. I don't have exactly the same thing, but I do have M.E.

Honestly, getting up and helping is pure hell 99% of the time, but I don't expect my whole family to change the way they act and avoid things as innocent as looking at their own phones in the morning. They're understanding of course, and when I'm really crashing they'll help out, but there isn't a specific list of activities/tasks that I expect them to carry out for me every single morning, as in your case.

In the nicest possible way, you've had some bad luck, and unfortunately, there are some consequences of that bad luck that you just have to put up with. If not, it seems like the resentment from your other family members is only going to build. Could you push through the morning shift even just one day a week? Or let your husband be on his phone/do whatever one morning a week? You say the sleep you got last night is irrelevant to the pain you suffered today anyway, so is it really critical that he doesn't wake you with the phone?

I say this from someone who knows how you feel.
it is a bit unfair on him. I realise now how much i put on my other half and it isn’t fair.
i know it’s hard on you, but also him