To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

I've been ignoring the practical advice because I know what will work and what won't. I already have pip. Please don't assume we haven't got any help going on just because I didn't mention it, it's not anybody's business really.

Op, you’re really something else

It's like you forget that you are the one that brought all this up. People are responding to the information you provided. Apparently what you were after was lots of "what a bastard, enjoy your lie in OP!", and AIBU isn't really the place for that.

I'm not sure he'd go. He had a course of CBT years ago (things hit him hard after DC1 was born, emergency C-section, house move, my illness) and he didn't get on with it at all, thought it was all pointless and stupid.
How do you get couple's councilling anyway, I've only really heard of it in relation to divorce?

You contact a counsellor that offers it. Or relate.

I think you need to try and look at it from his perspective. You say he won't communicate but it is actually hard when you are a carer to say, "I'm bloody fed up being the one who has do to everything/the majority of things" because you know it isn't their fault, so you don't communicate it because you know it would be hurtful to say it. You also know you aren't the one who will get any sympathy.

Has your husband been the main earner/carer/parent for 9 years? He will be tired, you think people don't understand your tiredness but believe me you won't understand his. In my experience it happens at certain intervals, might be at a significant time like a birthday/new year or something when it suddenly strikes you that you can't have the life others have. You must have times when you are angry about your health issues so it can't be hard to understand that he will have similar moments.

So sometimes the anger/resentment/frustration comes out about something else, like him wanting to book to do something. You both need to try to understand it from the other persons point of view and work on ways to take the pressure off. You might not want to do something like get help in the mornings as it is letting others in (I get this, my DH won't have help from anyone else so it has been me for 30 years) but if that's the case something has to change somewhere.

You are being defensive on here, are you like that with him? You do need to sit down and be honest with each other and not get upset if some of what you hear, and he hears, isn't very comfortable.

Believe me you have a long road in front of you so you don't want this to carry on.

Actually, I was more after just talking through what happened with my husband, like you were with me just now. I'm new to MN, only joined a couple of weeks ago for something specific. I didn't really know how this was going to go down, I've learned a lot.

Hmm yes, I don't think you were ever gong to get that response, but as you said you weren't really to know that.

I think, as PP said, it would be really useful for you to understand how your DH is feeling overall, and to give him a safe space to say it. Being a carer means giving up an awful lot of your life, but not being able to moan about it because then you are basically moaning about the person you love. Havign a disbility or illness can also make you selfcentred. Not because you are a bad or selfish person but because it's so all consuming. It can be difficult to look outside what you need to do to get through a day, or manage your pain or whatever. Basic heirachy of needs theory.

I hope that this thread has given you food for thought, even the ones you felt were critical about you.

@ancientgran thank you, I can see that I probably do need to try to talk to him about it a bit. I know it's not easy on him, but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to keep everyone happy except myself... I guess I'm defensive because I felt like he was treating me like how I'm feeling doesn't matter, if that makes sense, and then other people were also making me feel like I wasn't allowed to be hurt by that. Sorry, I'm wording this really badly, but there's so much pressure to be the perfect mother and wife and I don't get to use any of my energy for me and sometimes I feel like that isn't appreciated by DH. People are always telling me how great he is, how wonderful, so I feel like I've got no-one I can turn to when he isn't being very nice to me.

OP - please disengage from the thread, I think the PP who said that you needed an echo chamber rather than objective advice was correct (no judgement, we all need an echo chamber from time to time) - now you're in a place where you're trying to justify everything about your child rearing to internet strangers. You'll honestly really only upset yourself and its the last thing you need.

That's funny no one seems to think I do anything, maybe it is just taken for granted as I'm a woman or maybe they are telling DH I'm wonderful and he hasn't mentioned it. Do you tell your husband people think he's wonderful and do you tell him you think that as well?

I know we are all different so what works for me won't necessarily work for your DH but I hate it if I think what I do is just taken for granted so "I need you to put my socks on" will niggle me where "Would you help me with my socks." won't. Silly really as with both I sort his socks out but those little niggles do build up over time.

It isn't easy being in pain, it isn't easy being the partner of someone in pain. The big thing is you both making sure it doesn't have a negative effect on the children. It inevitably impacts on them, it would be silly for you or me to deny that but we can do our best to minimise it, both parents.

@ancientgran a particular relative goes out of their way to wax lyrical, others make passing comments, sometimes when he's there, sometimes not. I know sometimes he feels underappreciated because he's told me so. I do try to tell him, or show him. I also feel underappreciated too though, for example, I might really push myself to do something I know he'd like done, then he'll not notice I've done it and grumble about something else that needed doing. But then I also can't complain about it to anyone without looking like a horrible person so I feel terrible twice over.

OP, kindly, again you are making it about you. "Does your husband feeling appreciated?" "No, but I feel even more unapprociated than him"

As I said, it sounds like you are both in a pattern of resentment and defensiveness and you could probably really do with some help breaking out of that ccyle of communication.

unappreciated*

OP please listen to ancientgran, I really think you both need to work on your communication with each other. I can't even begin to imagine how hard being in constant pain is, but caring for a partner in constant pain is hard too. It changes the dynamic of the relationship and you can't talk about how you are feeling to anyone at all without fear of being seem to blame your partner. It honestly felt like the only two people who cared about my wellbeing were my DH and my doctor! I have never felt so invisible as I did during that time. It sounds as though everything has got too much for you both at the same time and better communication between you both might help things come to a better quicker resolution if it happens again.

@ancientgran We're lucky that my husband is now on meds that have given him his life back (and mine to a lesser extent) but you have summed up how I felt so beautifully, it brought a tear to my eye. Plus I never got told I was wonderful either, maybe there is a male Vs female carer stereotype at play here too.

@Somanysocksbutnopairs When he's cross about something, he often sparks arguments about something completely unrelated.

It really sounds that your communication has broken down to functional things and there is a lot of resentment building up.

How do you get couple's councilling anyway, I've only really heard of it in relation to divorce?

I'm not in the UK but recently have gone through relationship counselling. Interestingly the therapist says at the outset that neither person is the client, but the relationship itself. Our relationship is definitely in a better place now that it was for the last few years, all stemming from feelings of resentment and angry and being taken for granted. It is imo definitely worth it.

😂😂 yep, me too

But the thing you’ve done (and expect a medal for) is probably stuff your DH does daily without acknowledgment

I have found the OP to be somewhat frustrating on this thread (and Monoplane much more so), but some of these responses to the OP feel really off to me.

This is unkind.

There is nothing in OP's posts that suggest she is faking her disability.

Like many, I've found the OP very frustrating (not to mention the other poster who keeps arguing against straw men) but there's no need for this and it distracts from the actual issues in OP's world view.

Just had a chance to catch back up with this. I didn't realise you'd only been here a few weeks.

It's best to never post on AIBU with anything that you may be feeling sensitive about or that genuinely upsets you. People will pile on, making the most outrageous goading comments, picking through every single thing you've said trying to find holes (or they'll invent them if needs be), and also try and make the OP feel like as much of a idiot as possible by taking everything to bizarre conclusions (for example, telling you you're a terrible mother because your children can put their own school uniforms on).

I don't know why, but it's been like this for many, many years.

The relationships board is less brutal and also the chat board.

Glad to hear you've had a good day 🌺🌺💐💐

Put a sock in it @Monoplane. You’re talking absolute rubbish

The thread was close to dying until you posted this.

Prove my point 🤣