To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Can you describe the rest of the day OP, do you get up when the kids go to school or go back to sleep?

Thanks @randomusername2020 , he does start work early (he has a garden office so doesn't need to be in the house), I don't know why he was fussing this morning when he should have been working, and making a big deal out of it really. He admitted it was how he was feeling rather than how ready they were when we argued about it at lunch. I'll have to unpack it with him later but I'm so exhausted today I could really do without it!

Agree with this poster OP, although I was going to say without all the language, but then noticed that they said the language was just a sign of how mad they felt on your behalf, so I guess I now totally agree!

She wasn't "tired" or "super tired".

Believe me.

I do get it - I've been on both sides of the fence but trust me, the language does not exist to describe the disabling fatigue that people with autoimmune conditions and other disabilities feel. It's resemblance to tiredness is like the resemblance of an apple to a banana.

So angry....

Yeah and good luck when she tells him to piss off because he will, it’s easier and the whole thing is going to be on her then!

I feel sympathetic towards both sides in this.

I would find the uncertainty of not knowing what OP was or wasn't going to do each morning to help dc very stressful. But I do understand it is a medical condition causing these issues.

Maybe OP removing themselves from the morning completely but taking on the evening routine completely, or something similar would help.

Your DH sounds like they are running out of road with the current set up so you need to work together to find another one that works for you both.

If it’s really out of character for your husband, and he generally is kind, caring and supportive of your illness maybe cut him some slack.

Perhaps this morning he felt overwhelmed. Flare ups are awful for you, but they do affect the whole family. The frustration and lack of condition improvement when trying new medications is disappointing for everybody. Wondering, will it ever get better?

Maybe this morning he was pissed off with the cards you’ve been dealt and needs your love and support, just for today. If this really is a rarity, I’d put my arms around my husband and diffuse the situation.

On a side note, I’d let him look at his phone in bed if your alarm was going off soon anyway.

Sorry for your horrible illness it must be very challenging with young DC. When you say you don’t understand why DH was making a fuss because DC were ready, perhaps he wasn’t just thinking of the practical, but the fact that children like an adult up engaged and caring for them in broader ways. Perhaps he feels badly for them and worried about the impact?
Lying in bed then constantly going back to sleep seems quite detached which I get if you’re very ill, but if it’s a lot maybe it’s worth a non-defensive honest discussion with DH where you really try to work out a system that’s fair, so he doesn’t have to carry so much weight all the time and gets times when he is free?
He does sound at the end of his tether and frustrated.even if in a dressing gown, at least up just for the hour before school, then back to bed?
Also wear a sleep mask as PP suggested then light won’t wake you up? I feel for everyone in your family, but great your DC are happy so you must be doing a lot right.

Depends on how I'm doing. At the moment because I'm not doing well if I don't have medical appointments I'll have a slow morning mostly resting in bed, eat something, have a shower and dress by 11, rest a bit after that, then usually after lunch I'll finally be up to doing some light stuff about the house (usually tidying up or washing/sorting laundry... So much fecking laundry!). I'll fetch the kids from school, get their snack, spend time with them and chat about how school went. I help with dinner as much as I can (standing for more than 5 minutes is agony but I do it anyway), then one of them has a bath supervised by DH (alternates each night) and I'll be with other getting pyjamas on, then I'll read with each of them in turn before they go to bed.

If I'm doing well, I try to get ready much earlier and get something done in the morning and something done in the afternoon. I hate how little I am able to do, I want to get well enough to be able to go to work and contribute financially, but so far I've not been able to find medication that has been good enough to be anywhere near. Everything I do is hard work, painful and exhausting to do, it's like the simplest thing makes me feel like I'm climbing a mountain.

@ComeTheFckOnBridget
Yes, super tired perhaps isn't a great description, but I do get it. I've been there with 2 different illnesses. Im not implying shes a bit sleepy. It doesn't ditract though from the crux of my post. OP was 'super tired' ( replace for another description) and it's impacting on her emotions.

YANBU and I'm really struggling with those that think you are?

There was both an older child AND another adult in the house that could help should the younger child need it. Which they clearly didn't. Sure I'm sure it would be nice to have mum pottering about with coffee in the morning - but this is a 'nice to have' not a 'need to have'. I'm sure they get plenty of love and attention at other times of the day.

It is just mean to force your unwell partner to 'be present' because you're in a temper about it.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy
It sounds like dh was meant to be at work already in a garden office rather than in the house with the kids

The difference is although you are more fed up with it than he is you don't have a choice, he does. Would you honestly choose to live like this if you had a choice? Don't undervalue what he does, it isn't easy living with someone with health problems and you say this has been going on for years. Do you ever thank him for what he does?

I think you are both being unreasonable.

HIBU because he is expecting you to behave as if you are not ill, when you are.

YABU because you are expecting him to behave as if two primary school kids are adult housemates and not making any impact on him when they are getting up and ready, without another adult up and about.

I think the series of alarms, occasional waking but not being ready to be awake thing would only work as a desperate measure when you were the only adult in the house. And then only as a stop gap. It's impossible for another adult, up and about in a house where two kids are also up and about, to understand as anything other than "her alarms keep going off but she doesn't get up, so it all falls to me".

I think his routine and yours both need to change so that the kids have someone who is awake and giving them emotional and social attention in the morning. If that can't be you then it needs to be someone else who has time for that. he is stressed out because he isn't officially "on duty", but he is. there's probably a nasty dose of sexism in how angry he is with you about it, but, all the same, it's a really tough position to be in.

I can see it from both sides but the bottom line is the situation your all in right now isn't working for anyone so that needs to change. What about using your pip money to hire morning help thats what it is there for

Personally I don't think it's ok for a 6 year old to be left to their own devices before school so a parent can lay in. It's far too young. Even at 9, although practiclaly possible, I don't think it's very nice for the child. Can't you get up and then go back to sleep after they are gone?

Sounds like verything has to be on your terms and you DH is fed up with it.

I get you. I have fibro and CFS, the pain is bloody awful. I had to go to the supermarket this morning and cried driving home because the pain in one leg felt like someone was trying to hack it off. Mornings are worst and I have to take it slowly, painkillers at the right time, 15 minutes in a hot bath, or the day can go downhill rapidly.
Sounds like he doesn’t understand the extent of your condition, maybe one of the ‘are you not better yet’ brigade. He needs to work with you , not against you. He was awake, he was getting dressed, breakfast etc., it’s not rocket science to look after two school age children for the hour before they go to school. Your children sound very capable so I can’t see why he finds it a problem.
Point out to him that as a single dad he’ll be responsible 50% of the time.

If your husband is usually kind and supportive it sounds like he might just be feeling some caretaker's/compassion fatigue. The morning setup sounds unsustainable, your perception is that it's working, his may be that it isn't. If he feels it isn't you can't just tell him "yes it is" you need to brainstorm a different solution. Maybe having him do the whole morning routine and you doing nighttime as another poster suggested. You should also come up with some ideas for managing your annoyance with him looking at his phone in bed, that might be a treasured peaceful time for him in the morning that helps him feel ready for the day. Can you wear an eye mask and ear plugs? It's not fair that you are suffering from a debilitating condition but you need to have some compassion for your family too (which is very hard when you are not feeling well, i know). It sounds like tempers flared today, can you try to respond with love and look at this as an opportunity for you and your husband to problem solve together?

Ooooo op your getting some harsh comments on this thread

Isn't it funny that your husband is being painted as a saint because he sorts the children out in the mornings, does the school run sometimes and works when you are unwell yet this is what most woman do when their husband isn't unwell and the husband gets slated on here just the same as you are.

You aren't well. Get your meds sorted as you are and maybe come to an arrangement that as your worse in the mornings then he needs to be the main parent in the mornings and you in the evenings

Yep, she should absolutely tell him to fuck off.

Oh wait, she'll then have to get out of bed and walk the kids to school, because as far as you're concerned, he's not stepping up, right?

The illness will be hard on him too and it sounds like he’s gotten overwhelmed/not coping at the moment.

maybe talk with him about your routines to see if there are any practical improvements which could help both of you.

Point out to him that as a single dad he’ll be responsible 50% of the time.

I wouldn't rush to do this because he could easily point out the same.

Instead of point scoring they need to sit down and honestly air their frustrations before trying out some new tactics.

I never usually comment but tbh by reading this I'm pretty sure I have what you have.
I have a cocktail of drugs, 2 weekly bloods, 4 weekly appts with lots of different docs. Also, 2 kids and a job . There's days I sob rolling my self out of bed and can't even open the toilet lid.

I get it. It's fuckinf awful and the pain is never ending and I'm on 'alright 'meds at the minute. But my hands are still shit, I can't do my kids buttons or zips. And some days I can't carry my toddler down the stairs. But I'm always forcing myself there. Some days I lay on the sofa while they eat to gather myself.

What helps me - alarm at 5am to take meds (quick bite of cereal bar and some steroids) nod back off and they kick in get me to a point by 6.30/7 that I can move. Hot shower and for the first 30 mins of being up I just cannot sit or stop I just keep moving and working through the pain.

My condition isn't handled well currently I'm flaring a lot hence the steroids and currently on a few different meds while waiting for them to kick in.

I know it's hard but I'd really try and get A better routine than this. Even if you make sure your down and present weekdays and then have rest on the weekends. It's shit and the pain is a joke I know but it's just one of those cards we've been dealt.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I imagine your husband was frustrated this morning and feels the morning load is falling on him on top of working. You're a SAHM, I do think even though its hard you should be just getting on with it in the morning and then catch a nap from 9-10 once they've left and they don't need you. Yes they can dress themselves but it might just be nice to have you there. You haven't said its impossible for you to get up and supervise them so I think you should and rest later.