To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Why do you set your clocks so you can shout into the kids?

That just highlights the fact that you are lying in bed 'not doing anything' but are awake enough to control what's going on in every room by telling people what to do.

Why doesn't your DH call the kids?

I'd be concerned the 9yr old is having to take on the parenting role at that time of day.

Could you go to bed earlier so that you can factor in the couple of hours waking up time before the kids get up.
And then go back to bed later for a nap when they are at school?
In order to try to facilitate your illness in a way that benefits the kids while they are this young?

Umm maybe take your own mind out of the gutter, op didn't put it there!

Yeahsorry I think you need to be getting up with your kids in the morning. Go to bed earlier, set your alarm for earlier so you're more awake by the time they get up.
8hrs is not actually a lot of sleep for a woman, a healthy woman should be aiming for 10. I have issues, I go to bed when DS does so I can get up when he does. 8-8. If I stayed up till midnight there is no way I could get up at 8 with him.

He was a dick about it. But you need to be looking after your kids a bit more.

Oh and go back to your rheumatologist. Steroids can help in the meantime while your between meds and although not a long term fix they can help with the mobility pain side. Get to the GP for some pain meds

I've been in his shoes, co- parenting with a partner with a debilitating condition and being the sole earner, and I can assure you, being a single parent responsible only 50% of the time would have been infinitely easier. There were times when had my partner chosen to 'threaten' me like youre suggesting, I'd have had my bags packed and been skipping down the road.
Fortunately he understood that his condition was difficult for me too and we supported each other.

Can you not do as has been suggested many times on the thread and set an early alarm so you can take your meds, then snooze until it's time to get up when hopefully they will have kicked in?

You say your husband has a garden office and he needed have been in the house as both children were ready - are they normally left to their own devices in the morning?

I have 2 children the same age, and the thought of your 9 year old having to sort out their own breakfast along with their siblings doesn't sit right with me.

It doesn't sound like the current set up is sustainable.

The really silly thing about it is that there was no need for him to be involved this morning at all. If he had been at work, knowing they were both dressed and had eaten I'd have dozed until the 8.10 alarm, then helped with hair and made sure shoes, coats, bookbags all ready to go out the door by 8.30 with a friend who passes our house on way to school with her DC. He said (angrily) at lunchtime that he wouldn't bother helping in morning anymore, like it was a "gotcha" but I'm not really sure why he felt he needed to in the first place so I'm fine for him not to involve himself other than walking them round! He can be a bit funny about things sometimes, bee in his bonnet - he used to fuss a lot about how much they were drinking when they were younger, checking I was giving them water with lunch and stuff, there was absolutely no reason for it and it drove me potty!!

I'm not sure why most PPs are giving you such a hard time, OP. I think you are being completely reasonable. I also have a chronic health condition and my family ignore it completely. It really sucks.

well it sounds like your husband thinks, like loads of other people on this thread, that they do need help and company in the morning rather than a parent lying in bed shouting commands at them at timed intervals while a 6 and 9 year old are left to sort themselves.

The really silly thing about it is that there was no need for him to be involved this morning at all.

Sorry, but there's every need for him to be involved. Children need adult supervision. You cannot possibly be giving them all they need whilst lying in bed.

This …not nice !

Did you get diagnosed before or after marrying him. Honestly it sounds like he resents you and was punishing you . I have autoimmune conditions very similar. You need more help if you can’t manage. It’s unfair for your dh to do everything plus be the breadwinner and it’s unfair on the kids . I get the bad days as I have them but with them you need help if you can’t get out of bed.

10 hrs of sleep for a healthy person? I don't think I could sleep this long, I'm not a baby.

I see a lot of posters have no experience of disabilities which makes mornings hellishly painful. OP, I feel for you and I'm gobsmacked that people think having a child plonked on your aching bones & muscles is reasonable.

I know someone in a very similar situation and the husband is at breaking point. I feel very sorry for him and yours.
You need to be there for your children or arrange for someone else to be. Lying in bed shouting instructions to your eldest is not acceptable.

It began after I'd met him but before we got married. It wasn't too bad until postpartum, after DC1 I thought it was under control with meds but then after DC2 postpartum flare was more than meds could handle and I've been trying everything I can with my rheumatologist to get better. He knows that, but it doesn't stop him being a dick from time to time about it!

This sounds unworkable. You need a different routine, Sounds awful alarms going off and you shouting out orders from your bed.

It's not that I think the husband's behaviour is reasonable as such. It just sounds like he doesn't think the current set up is ok and is at the end of his tether.

It is a little unusual not to feel that a 6 & 9 year old need support and supervision in the mornings, what kind of care did you have growing up OP?
I'm wondering if this is why you don't share your DH's concerns.

I think your DH should continue to support your dc in the mornings. Having had minimal support in the mornings as a dc I know it doesn't feel good. He shouldn't stop caring for his dc because you and he are bickering.

Regardless of whether or not you should get up despite your illness, I really think expecting an apology is over the top. As others have said, it must be tough on him working full time and with a wife unable to do her share. He cracked this morning. I’d cut him some slack.

Many people have asked you why you don't start going to bed earlier and setting your alarm earlier, so that you are ready to get up with the kids. I don't think I've seen you address this suggestion, which to me seems like the obvious first step to try and help the situation. Because right now it's not fair on your husband or your children.

I agree with others that it's a difficult situation for everyone in the family.

8 hours isn't a lot of sleep if you have a chronic illness. I'm healthy and I aim for that every night. Can you go to bed earlier and get up earlier to be present for the kids and then rest when they leave. I know myself that setting numerous alarms and snoozing in between is counter productive and makes me groggier. Can you set yourself a new morning routine? Awake at 6.30, a tea in bed then a hot bath/ shower before the kids get up?

It's obvious that many people on this thread have no idea what it's like to live with a chronic illness, and have trouble being empathetic towards someone in your situation. Families have to adapt in such situations and children certainly have to be more independent. That doesn't mean they are not loved or cared for properly. You do what you can within your limitations, and the guilt at times is horrendous. Your husband, although obviously fed up with this set up, needs to have a proper look at himself. Yes, life is hard if your partner suffers as you do and you have to take on more responsibilities, but if he isn't willing to step up and do what needs to be done to keep the family going, you might want to rethink how things move forward from this point. It's not your fault that you are ill.

Yeah I should have added "or so I read/was told".

But I don't think someone who struggles getting up in the morning should be aiming for 8hrs.