To think DH should apologise for deliberately waking me?

[Somanysocksbutnopairs]

Some background: I am a sahm with an autoimmune condition that makes mornings very difficult for me. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, often in a lot of pain and unable to move much. Today was a bad one, felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I have a series of alarms on my phone to make sure my two DC are ready on time for school. DH, family and friends walk them round for me (very short walk). DH WFH a couple of times a week.

Which brings me to this morning. DH starts off before my 1st alarm ~7.30 by doing something in the bed he knows disturbs my sleep (not to me tho!). But I'm so tired I'm able to fall back to sleep anyway. He then leaves the curtains open before going to his home office. I ask him to shut them but he ignores me. At this point I'm wondering if he's being a dick today.

First alarm goes at 7.45. I call to kids to make sure they're up, as per usual. DC1(9) comes into my bedroom and is already fully dressed, teeth brushed and all. DC closes the curtains for me and goes off to have breakfast.
Next alarm goes, 8am, for getting dressed. I can hear they're still eating so I go back to sleep.

Next thing I know, DH is dumping DC2(6) on top of me, hurting me in the process. DC2 is fully dressed, hair done, so I ask DH wtf?! He says I need to be awake and paying attention to them. So I ask him what exactly do DC1 and 2 still need to do? (My 8.10 finish-getting-ready/hair/teeth alarm hasn't even gone yet). Answer: Nothing, but I should be awake.

Couple of mins later he starts loudly playing music. He doesn't usually do this. Again, I suspect it was to prevent me dozing.

The kids aren't always ready like this, some days they need more help/attention than others and I was so grateful to them that they'd chosen today to be little angels and I could rest, but that was ruined by DHs behaviour. So pissed off at him! I had it out with him over lunch and he's refusing to accept he's done anything wrong, other than hurting me with a child and "communicating badly".

Yabu - no parent should be able to sleep in past 7.30am on a school day! Illness is no excuse you lazy lady!! (This was pretty much his argument when refusing to apologise just now)

Yanbu - he's the unreasonable one and should apologise!

Yanbu and its clear from responses that many posters don't know what it's like living with a disability - and no, it isn't always ideal for children but that doesn't mean they're neglected, either.

The children were safe and content by the sounds of it. You dh was being a prize dick and apparently massively fed up. Honestly, it sounds like there are issues here.

Even if he's not said anything, I think he has issues with your health and disability and how it affects you and him.

@Howdoyoulikeyoureggsinthemorning the thing about the phone is that he knows it wakes me up, that's why I was annoyed - it's stupid, but it does and it knows it, so it seemed to me like he was doing it deliberately to wake me because he wouldn't normally do that, he'd get up first.

I’m just being straight up with you because I wish someone had with me, he’s going to walk out and you’re not going to know what’s hit you. And I’m genuinely saying that with all the love in the world, he’s going to find a much, much easier life for himself because this sounds really hard and as much as you are stuck, he isn’t, I really am just being honestly because this is all about you right now, and I get it, oh I really get it, BUT if he’s essentially a good man and you live him) it’s so, so much harder doing it on your own when you’re struggling and it’s so so easy to get into the mindset where it’s worse for you (which it is!) and therefore he doesn’t mater. But he does matter. I really do know where you’re at right now, I do, but I can only say that you won’t know what hit you if he packs his bags and goes, only you know if he’s trying his best, god I know how snarky and horrible having that condition makes you feel, I do. I really do and big hugs to you and to him and the kids because it’s brutal. X

He's deeply resentful of you OP.
Your DC are too young to reliably get ready while you doze, and even if they do manage the practical things independently it stands to reason they will want/need an adult presence at times. As you're absent, that's falling to him, before he starts his days work. (A days work that you as a SAHP don't have to do.)
If mornings are your difficult time, I think you need to formalise that and tell him that he needs to cover that shift, and that you'll do your share in the evening when you're feeling better. At the moment you're doing half a job leaving him to pick up the slack and resentment is building.
He shouldn't have behaved that way, but this type of passive aggression is often a sign someone is coming to the end of their tolerance and empathy, so you need to address what's underneath that.

Am totally with @WinterMusings on this who put it beautifully.

YANBU

II hard for any of us to understand the difficulties caused by your condition if we haven’t personally been affected.

However, it’s clear that your current system isn’t working. Your husband absolutely should not be dumping children in your bed, clearly. But him going on his phone at 7.30 am on a school day really isn’t unreasonable. He might be struggling if he’s doing all the childcare and working.

I’m struggling to understand why your sleep hours can’t be shifted back . I get that you’re in pain when you get up , but surely you have to get up at some time- the pain surely doesn’t magically disappear at 9am? If you went to bed earlier at say 10 pm, could you have your medication ready to take for 7 am, then snooze for half an hour while the medication takes effect?

Are you in receipt of any disability/carer benefits which could be used to fund paid help?

Op I have an autoimmune condition that does similar to me, it’s horrible and waking up sometimes feels like torture, but I’m a single parent so I have to get up there’s no tag team. I find the first hour painful but once I’m up and going I find it shakes off the pain and grogginess.

If this is a one off or occasional shitty moment from your partner who is usually helpful in your set up that works for you, I’d just put it down to everyone being allowed an off day.

all that said I agree that it does seem a little sad that your children miss out on morning mummy time - even if you were to sit up in bed and chat to them would be nicer for them. I’d then catch up on sleep /rest while they are at school. (Also appreciate extra sleep doesn’t magically make you feel better but the top ups certainly help me when permitted)

@ComeTheFckOnBridget thank you, they really aren't neglected and are happy kids. I know my illness isn't easy on any of us. DH does do a lot and I'm very grateful to him. It was having our children that really set off the illness and I know he gets fed up with it sometimes but not half as fed up as I am with it! I don't regret the kids one bit though, as shit as disability is, they're worth it.

The ablism is strong on this thread

Also, it’s so hard, but people just don’t get how bad you feel, they really don’t. They get compassion fatigue and just eventually view your condition in terms of how bad it makes them feel. I know it’s crap, but it’s true sadly.

OP, do you have options for help? Nanny? Your DH changing/reducing working hours?

This comment surprised me - all he does is puts cereal into two bowls and adds milk...? I'm surprised if most 9 year olds aren't at least capable of doing that for themselves. The 6 year old could probably do it themselves too. Pretty sure I made my own cereal by 9 and helped my younger siblings too (I was healthy back then!)

Youre failing to realise that her disability means her days are harder for her than his are for him.

People seem to think she's saying she's a sahp who does little-to nothing while leaving everything to her husband.

(On the same forum where people criticise husbands for leaving everything to their wives).

She's not saying this.

She's saying that she is physically incapable in the mornings but that she still does what she needs to. She's saying that she has to make difficult parenting decisions every morning in order to balance out the greater needs. If she pushes through in the morning, there will be a hefty price to pay later on. Where do her children most need her on that day?

Also, absolutely nothing wrong with one parenting getting the children and themselves ready in the morning- I expect many women here do it all the time without complaint.

The op is pretty clear in her posts that she does push through but the ignorance and judgement that she doesn't do so every single day, regardless of the consequences, is pretty eye opening tbh.

Yes - there is definitely an issue of resentment within her marriage that she is going to have to deal with now too. But even that may not be able to be dealt with in a straightforward manner.

@Somanysocksbutnopairs you are not selfish (incidentally - the people I here such remarks from the most generally aren't paragons of sacrifice and generosity themselves).

You need to have a chat with your husband but pick a time when you're both in the most resilient frame of mind. You'll also need to recognise how difficult it is for him.

I appreciate you're going through a transition of trying new drugs right now, but you may need to see about extra support in the home or different ways of doing things.

Also regarding his phone use in bed - can you use a sleep mask?

So your advice is that the OP should be a disabled, unemployed single parent instead?
oh yeah that’ll improve the lives of her and her DC immeasurably 🤔

@StarsSand

& you demonstrate EXACTLY how well people do not understand acute illness.

of course it would be lovely if all the mummies everywhere coukd jump out if bed full of life and sing cheerfully, but the actual fact is there are plenty of parents who are too chronically ill
or disabled and cannot do this.

in many homes the 6 year olds are nappy changing & dressing younger siblings, getting everyone's breakfast & tidying up, helping the parent wash/dress.

no it's not ideal, but you know what it's sadly reality for many children

Ah yes. That's exactly what she's doing. Idling in bed. 🙄

Why can you not wake earlier and be up for your children getting ready for school? I know you’ve said mornings are difficult when you first wake so surely the solution is go to bed earlier, wake earlier, have that time to group yourself together then be up and present for family life. It’s not fair to lay it all on your husband/family/friends. I can understand why he’s fed up with it, but if you were to divorce he would be the primary parent for the children as the way you frame your disability, you’re not capable of parenting them for at least part of the day.

What is the split of housework/childcare/general life admin like? Are you able to participate in family life later on in the day?

I think its really important not to underestimate the impact of one partners disability on the other. OP you say he doesn't get half as fed up as you, but really, how can you know that? This is something that has happened to you as a couple and you both have things that are very difficult to deal with, and its not a race to the bottom. If you want a healthy relationship as equals you both need to be empathising with the other and both supporting the other as best you can. For him that will mean doing more than his share, accepting the restrictions on his life, and for you that may mean having some understanding that he's not always going to love that and at times will get irritated and frustrated; and looking at whether there are things you could do differently.
For instance, in the scheme of things moaning about his phone and the curtains seems a bit petty.

Whilst I have sympathy regarding your disability I think you're being very unfair to your husband. The whole set up since very odd.
You're setting your alarm at 15 min intervals to 'check' your children have managed to get themselves ready for school ok, but today you were super tired and wanted to go back to sleep during those short intervals? In the meantime your husband is supervising the children, getting himself ready for work and is required to tip toe around you?
The only thing I can consider that he didn't do right was to plonk your kid on you.
You can't change your health (much) so assuming this is a long term thing your family need to sort out logistics.
Would it be better if you had twin beds?
It must be difficult for your family to know if you're 'present' or 'absent' on any particular morning. Could you aim to be present for most mornings for your families sake? You won't get this time again with your children. Would getting up earlier mean you're 'with it' later? Could OH help by maybe running you a bath first thing, getting a coffee...whatever helps.
Of course you might well be tired by mid morning in which case take a nap.
Other than your husband plonking kid on you I think the main problem here is you were ratty because you were tired. I get that's not your fault....however it is your responsibility. At the end of the day you're both on the same side!

Presumably rheumatoid arthritis, so yes he is being unreasonable. It's hard when a-mobility issue isn't visible.

I wont pretend to understand what you’re health is like so if you’re ill as you say then sorry to hear that.

however there needs to be some understanding too from your side.. getting annoyed because he is looking at his phone? When you said yourself you’re so tired you fall back asleep anyways?

its not just your house and your life here. When i wake up in the morning, i can’t just jump out of bed, I also need to wake myself up and that’s usually by going on my phone etc.

you do seem to want all the consideration and you don’t seem to give any to him. you can love someone to death but dealing with chronic health conditions is hard for both people in a relationship

I’m probably going to to get flamed for this but I’d be annoyed if I was your husband.
If I was going to be getting the kids up and dressed and ready for school and taking them to school every single day while my husband slept, I would be very, very annoyed by him setting alarms to check up on me every 15 minutes. I’d be even more annoyed that I wasn’t allowed to look at my phone while I came around before doing all this.
You need a better system.
Go to bed earlier and get up earlier.
Set your alarm for 5am so you get 2 hours to come around.

I understand that you are I’ll but it is taking a big toll on your husband.