Page 9 | To be thrilled to have an only child?

iamloading · 2023-03-02T12:36:26+00:00

Ok so probably just getting this off my chest after reading yet another post saying "I feel sorry for only children." Obviously everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don't get the strange obsession on here that only children are to be pitied in some way. We have one child by choice, and it is the right decision for us as a family. That's not a decision that's right for every family, and obviously there are huge potential benefits from sibling relationships. However there are also massive benefits of being an only, and both my husband and I are also onlys so we know this from experience. We are able to save an amount each month for DC, have far more financial freedom (we both work part time for instance,) have a lovely stress free life. We also moved to a house on a new build estate very near the school so every weekend it's a non stop procession of kids knocking on asking to play with our DC. In fact we are all ready for a break from all the friends at points! I've never been asked in real life if I'm having another, nor has any pity for my DC ever been expressed. So it just seems to be an issue on here. So AIBU to just not get the "pity." And ps if you are one child not by choice due to any reason then PLEASE don't feel guilty as in my opinion there is nothing at all to feel guilty for xx

Misunderstoodagain · 02/03/2023 20:56

Oh I needed this thread so bad! I have one but have been flip flopping on another, mainly because I don't want him to be lonely etc. But I want a better lifestyle for our family and another would financially stretch us so have been feeling terribly guilty. So yes really needed to read all this!

kikisparks · 02/03/2023 21:09

Comedycook · 02/03/2023 14:49

Let's say two only children get married and have one child, once they're dead, their child will have zero family. Unless the choice has been take out of your hands, then I think it's very selfish. My parents died young. Thank heavens I have a sister.

Having any children at all is selfish. And that’s quite right, as children should be very wanted. Nobody should have a child just to gift their other child a sibling, a child doesn’t want to be born as a selfless act by parents who didn’t actually want them.

Mellymoon · 02/03/2023 21:33

threeplusmum · 02/03/2023 13:54

My opinion differs, I think having one child is understandable but if something happens to that child - illness or tragedy (not saying it will) but there risk is there, then there is no other children around to fill the gap, and I guess sense of loss may feel greater. I am expecting my 3rd DD and I'm happy they will at least be able to play and grow up together and when they're older if something happens to me or their father at least they'll have each other.

Really strange way to see things. I highly doubt that having another child will fill the hole if your child dies..
children are individual and unique..
I doubt anyone who loses a child gets over it quicker because they have another.. wtf

Darkdiamond · 02/03/2023 22:00

Mellymoon · 02/03/2023 21:33

Really strange way to see things. I highly doubt that having another child will fill the hole if your child dies..
children are individual and unique..
I doubt anyone who loses a child gets over it quicker because they have another.. wtf

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I don't think it's strange.

I don't want to go too deeply into this as everything i have typed sounds so glib. But I don't think it's a strange way to see things at all.

LarryandLeon · 02/03/2023 22:49

Mellymoon · 02/03/2023 21:33

Really strange way to see things. I highly doubt that having another child will fill the hole if your child dies..
children are individual and unique..
I doubt anyone who loses a child gets over it quicker because they have another.. wtf

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I agree, I think it’s a very strange way of looking at things. Of all the things I worry about in terms of having one DC, the idea that if she died there would be some consolation in having more children makes no sense to me. I’ve seen it a few times on here- odd. It sticks in my mind a drama about a woman who lost her daughter in the London tube bombings- she had two other children & yet her grief for her daughter was so palpable. She became completely obsessed with the circumstances & actually became quite alienated from the rest of her family.

nanodyne · 02/03/2023 22:56

YANBU, it sounds like your family unit works perfectly for you.

I have lots of siblings but did consider only having one. However, because I'm so used to having so much family, once he started to really play at about 18 months I felt sad thinking of him not having a sibling - someone you have total ease with - to share all the things I had growing up. DS2 is so different to his brother already, it's fascinating to observe and I can't wait to see how they both are as they grow. In an ideal world I think I'd like a third but I can't bear the thought of being pregnant and having a newborn again, it's just not for me, I don't get how anyone can enjoy that stage.

I don't feel sorry for only children though, that's just how I feel about my family.

beethecrackon24995 · 02/03/2023 23:39

I HATE posts like this and normally don't read them. I read a few of them though as i was bored and true to.form some smug MNer posts pointing out the bleeding obvious that basically if your child does you don't have another to fill the gap. Thanks for that. I tried for ten years to have another unsuccessfully going through all types of shit whilst you effortlessly knocked out three. Don't ever say that to someone in rl if they have one as they may have been ttc unsuccessfully. If you said that to me you'd have regretted it......

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 07:34

People on this thread: YABU OP, literally nobody cares about your family size

Also people on this thread: YABU, I would never have an only, I don’t understand why anyone would, children need siblings, only children are aggressive and lack emotional awareness, siblings are needed to ensure one can relate to other children, what about when you’re dead etc etc etc etc

YANBU OP. Having one child is great and having warm, loving, engaged parents is infinitely more valuable than having a sibling.

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 07:40

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 07:34

People on this thread: YABU OP, literally nobody cares about your family size

Also people on this thread: YABU, I would never have an only, I don’t understand why anyone would, children need siblings, only children are aggressive and lack emotional awareness, siblings are needed to ensure one can relate to other children, what about when you’re dead etc etc etc etc

YANBU OP. Having one child is great and having warm, loving, engaged parents is infinitely more valuable than having a sibling.

I don’t get your point? You’re surprised that that’s a spectrum of responses and some contradict others? Is that a surprise?

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 07:43

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 07:40

I don’t get your point? You’re surprised that that’s a spectrum of responses and some contradict others? Is that a surprise?

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My point is the first people are wrong- they’re saying why even post this as nobody cares about family size but then lots of people on the thread clearly do care as they’re making rude and negative comments about OP’s family size.

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 08:12

stackhead · 02/03/2023 15:53

I think parents of onlies spend alot of time justifying it because there are many MANY people in society who judge people for only having one. There are examples of that all over this thread.

We currently have an only. She'll probably stay an only. I struggle immensely with guilt over not wanting to give her a sibling, but ultimately I don't want another child and I refuse to bring a child into the world who is not 100% wanted for them (rather than as an accessory to the first child).

I value the good parts of only having an only but being constantly told (both explicitly and implicitly) that only having 1 child is a "bad thing" is shit. And it happens all. the. time.

Sorry you experience this. But you are absolutely doing the right thing in not having a child that you don’t want just to “give” your existing child a sibling. Maybe she would be best friends with any sibling, maybe they’d be indifferent to each other, maybe they’d hate each other, most likely somewhere in between, who knows, but there would be no guarantee than any further child would be an asset to your existing child and it would be so unfair on them to be born purely to be a companion and playmate.

People telling you having one child is a bad thing are so rude- and perhaps may be projecting their own experiences onto you. There are loads and loads of positives both for the family (usually especially the woman) and the child of having a single child family. There can be benefits of having more than one child too. We all need to do what’s right for us and our families.

GotABeatForYouMama · 03/03/2023 08:16

then there is no other children around to fill the gap, and I guess sense of loss may feel greater.

I don't understand this view at all. Do you really think a parent who has lost a child will think "well at least I've got another one so it's not so bad"?

I am expecting my 3rd DD and I'm happy they will at least be able to play and grow up together and when they're older if something happens to me or their father at least they'll have each other.

I'm one of 3. Me and my siblings rarely played together as we all had different interests and friends. When my parents died it was left to me to sort everything out with no help from the other 2. We now have little contact with each other. Don't assume that because you have more than 1 child they will all get along famously. The relationship I had with my siblings was a primary reason as to why I am one and done.

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 08:18

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 15:57

@Moonicorn
I think there is an important point there. A lot comes down to parenting styles. Some people may chose to have 2 or more because they don't like playing with their dc so want a playmate.

Dh and I always loved playing with dc and even though they're 11 now we've made a conscious effort to have a fun household. We don't mind being silly, jumping on trampoline, getting on scary rides, playing video games, , boardgames, Lego building, dancing around the kitchen, water fights etc etc. Dc has never wanted a playmate specifically at home. She has loads of friends and cousins she sees everyday and loves coming back to her quieter house.

As someone with a DD who is one year old and most likely won’t have siblings it’s really nice to hear about the lovely life of your older single child. We love playing with DD too and I think it’ll only get better as she gets older and her interests get more interesting than “that’s not my” books and stacking blocks 🤣 she most likely won’t have cousins either but hopefully lots of friends, we’ll do our best anyway to give her opportunities to socialise.

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 08:26

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/03/2023 16:19

See you just said cousins- lots of cousins. So you clearly see the benefit of similar aged family- for most people that’s a sibling!

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Cousins are very different than siblings, they don’t (usually) live with your child, you don’t have to be pregnant or give birth to them, or raise them, they don’t take any resources away from your child (apart from possibly grandparent inheritance) and generally friends are more important than cousins. Cousins or siblings who are friends with each other is nice but not much different IMO than non related friends. I see my friends a heck of a lot more than my cousins or even my sibling, I have a lot more in common with my friends and I find it quite awkward talking to my cousins as I don’t really know them. Cousins may sometimes be a benefit to a child but they’re not a necessity just like siblings aren’t.

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 08:41

EddieVeddersfoxymop · 02/03/2023 16:24

Same here. Medically, we had no choice really - my health was very poor through pregnancy. But, we probably wouldn't have had more anyway. 3 is the magic number for us, DD gets all our time which now as a teen is proving the best thing. We can save for her, allow her to undertake massively expensive hobbies that are her passion, she is well supported through her exams etc etc so it's all good here. Cannot imagine what life would look like with more kids now.

Thanks for sharing, it’s always nice hearing how single child families with an older child find it as I’m still at an early stage, it’s good to know that it has worked well for you.

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 09:04

TempsPerdu · 02/03/2023 19:03

So many of these only child threads, and they are very rarely edifying.

We have one, by choice. We don’t make a big thing of it, and I wouldn’t think to brag to anyone on here or irl about how brilliant our life with DD is, but it does get to me that some people seem determined not to allow one-child families to have anything nice. As in, you can list 20 different reasons why you stuck at one and insist until the cows come home that your only is perfectly happy/well-adjusted/good at sharing, and there’ll still be a contingent of posters who insist that you must be cruel/selfish, and that all only children must inevitably be dysfunctional, lonely and selfish.

Mothers who are already financially stretched, burnt out and temperamentally unsuited to parenting multiple DC should suck it up and pop out another one in order to provide a sibling. And whatever the reasons cited for being content with your one - better finances, less stress, more time and resources to invest in the child, parental temperament, or mental and physical wellbeing - they are dismissed as unimportant or superficial (‘selfish’, again). And it still seems weirdly acceptable to air these views, in a way that it wouldn’t be for any other family size or make-up.

I just wish people would accept that there are pros and cons to any situation in life, and agree to live and let live.

This! Very well put. Especially about mothers- so often in these “debates” people seem to disregard the point that women should have a choice about whether and when to have a child or children and family size is part of that.

ridemesideway · 03/03/2023 09:07

kikisparks · 03/03/2023 08:41

Thanks for sharing, it’s always nice hearing how single child families with an older child find it as I’m still at an early stage, it’s good to know that it has worked well for you.

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It’s obvious to me that quite a lot of responses to this thread are from people with kids under 12. Its great having one.

BelindaBears · 03/03/2023 09:10

GotABeatForYouMama · 03/03/2023 08:16

then there is no other children around to fill the gap, and I guess sense of loss may feel greater.

I don't understand this view at all. Do you really think a parent who has lost a child will think "well at least I've got another one so it's not so bad"?

I am expecting my 3rd DD and I'm happy they will at least be able to play and grow up together and when they're older if something happens to me or their father at least they'll have each other.

I'm one of 3. Me and my siblings rarely played together as we all had different interests and friends. When my parents died it was left to me to sort everything out with no help from the other 2. We now have little contact with each other. Don't assume that because you have more than 1 child they will all get along famously. The relationship I had with my siblings was a primary reason as to why I am one and done.

Yep, I’m one of 4, my mum is terminally ill and I’m getting zero support and a lot of stress from my siblings. My support is coming from my husband and friends, the same as it would be if I were an only child. My DH has a brother who we will probably never see again once his mum dies, and thank fuck for that, he’s nothing but trouble. The The idea siblings provide a guaranteed positive relationship for life is naive.

pharmachameleon · 03/03/2023 09:44

@TempsPerdu rally, really well put.
I also marvel at the guilt that is placed upon mothers only in these threads and also in real life. My DH has never had one conversation in RL about why we have only one child whereas I have been asked by every single one of my female friends and good proportion of my female work colleagues. They stopped asking when it was obvious we weren't having any more mercifully-when DS was around 8.

derbylass81 · 03/03/2023 09:54

I agree it can be the best option for many families, for many reasons.

But I do feel that, on balance, it is a positive for a kid to have a sibling when young.

I have two and the laughing and giggling and in jokes that they have in the back of the car, or lounging on the couch, or lying in bed together, is amazing to hear. I have friends with only one and it can be a bit boring for their only at times.

I guess the flip side of that is getting more of the parents attention, no arguments about what to watch on tv etc.

So I do think that whilst the overall best option has to be what suits your own family for various reasons, there are huge benefits to having a constant playmate in childhood (albeit that doesn't often continue into adulthood).

defi · 03/03/2023 09:57

I love having just the one it's easy

louise5754 · 03/03/2023 10:03

Clearly you have doubts as you wouldn't need to make a thread about it if you were that content?

afterdropshock · 03/03/2023 10:22

I think having more than one can be easier as others may have mentioned. They entertain each other, meaning you as an adult can get on with other things if you need or want to.

InvincibleInvisibility · 03/03/2023 11:08

I have 2 and an very happy with that. I'm glad others are very happy with 1.

However we have just moved overseas and I am so glad the DC have each other. A friend I met here has an only child (11). She says they have never wanted more, and neither has he, but she has also complained about how hard it is with just 1 in a new place. How hard it is to invite new friends over etc. (They're always busy with childhood friends and family....!)

You can't guarantee that your DC friends and cousins will live in the same place as you for their entire childhood.

mastertomsmum · 03/03/2023 13:38

Speaking as one who had just one much older sibling, I loved the big gap. We always got on. My husband is one of 4 with the eldest being only 5.5 years older than the youngest. He’s in no doubt that that my experience of childhood sibling interaction was more positive than his. It can work for some relationships but definitely didn’t for theirs.