To be thrilled to have an only child?

[iamloading]

Ok so probably just getting this off my chest after reading yet another post saying "I feel sorry for only children." Obviously everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don't get the strange obsession on here that only children are to be pitied in some way.
We have one child by choice, and it is the right decision for us as a family. That's not a decision that's right for every family, and obviously there are huge potential benefits from sibling relationships.
However there are also massive benefits of being an only, and both my husband and I are also onlys so we know this from experience.
We are able to save an amount each month for DC, have far more financial freedom (we both work part time for instance,) have a lovely stress free life. We also moved to a house on a new build estate very near the school so every weekend it's a non stop procession of kids knocking on asking to play with our DC. In fact we are all ready for a break from all the friends at points!
I've never been asked in real life if I'm having another, nor has any pity for my DC ever been expressed. So it just seems to be an issue on here.
So AIBU to just not get the "pity." And ps if you are one child not by choice due to any reason then PLEASE don't feel guilty as in my opinion there is nothing at all to feel guilty for xx

Absolutely makes sense to me. I totally get this.

I have 3 and absolutely love it because we have very limited extended family but I genuinely don’t get where the angst over having one comes from (usually from people with more than one too). My best friend has one and they have an absolutely lovely set up.

I have no idea of my parents motivations for having more than one child so I don’t know.

But your motivation for only having one was you don't want a do-over which was a really nasty barb at those who have more than one child. No child is a do-over, what a horrible thing to say.

I have an adult only. I'm an only. Can't imagine having more than one.

To be honest I have all of the above and two children. It's not necessarily all doom and gloom having more than one. My life and career is the best It's ever been.

Sorry you read it that way. I know people who have made it clear that part of their motivation in having a second child was wanting a do-over of the experience of having their first.

My motivation for having one child was not wanting to have another child, because the one we have makes our family complete. This isn’t a “nasty barb”. You read all the time that people didn’t feel their family was complete, that the arrival of their last child “made them a family”, “made them parents”, “made them complete”, when having their first child did not.

Those statements don’t apply to me. She is enough.

Christ almighty, the sniping and bickering on this thread! Can't we all just accept that we make decisions that we feel work best for ourselves and our families, or circumstances dictate a certain amount of children?
We have 1, and are very happy. We make time to play games, build Lego, read books etc with him so he doesn't feel lonely, as well as make sure he sees other kids all the time. When we go on holiday we often go with friends who have kids of a similar age so the kids all play together constantly - they are like siblings in many ways. Some of our friends have 2 or more kids and are very happy, some have 2 kids and they are miserable. Some have 1 child and want more but can't. We ummmed and ahhhed for a few years about having a second, but my mental health forced our hand and for the sake of my MH we have the 1 child. I'd much rather have 1 child that I am happy to be around and mentally well for than 2 who I may be seriously unwell for, and not be as good a mother as I want to be. That's the decision we came to, and we are a happy family of 3. People should just make their decisions based on what is right for them, and stop judging others for what they have chosen to do.

Fair enough, thank you for explaining that. I read it as derogatory.

My friends brother died. I think this is one of her fears, when her parents are older/ill/die it will be all her responsibility to sort everything out. It is a lot for one person, and I am sorry you are going through this.

I don't understand why people think that they get more time to themselves if they have an only. In reality they need more time spent on them as there is no-one else for them to play with. The only reason you would get more time to yourself is if you ignore the child and they have given up as they know that you will never play with them.

Ok, that’s a better explanation for how you feel.

I'm an (ex) primary teacher.

I could identify an only child in a class of 30 within a day or two of knowing them (without actually knowing that they were). There is something about the way only children communicate/ relate to other children that it is quite unique, probably based on spending the majority of their time in adult company. It's not necessarily a good/ bad thing, but definitely distinctive.

Having said that, I would also have been able to tell you which children had older siblings (usually more mature in a 'streetwise' kind of way) and which ones were the 'babies' of the family. Again, without actually knowing their background.

My point is, family dynamics do tend to influence behaviour/ personality, whether parents want them to or not.

Thank you @Tiredmum100 that's kind of you to say x

People love to judge. The only to my face comments was from mil

Your selfish having none
Your selfish having one
2 no comments
3 was it a mistake?
4 practically did I hold a gun to dhs head to sexually assault him? I was a vile slut who tricked dh basically

So meh, as long you 3 are happy then it's the perfect number

Given the constant fighting of mine at the moment, I’m often bloody wishing I’d stopped at one!

Not unreasonable. It’s just horses for courses, isn’t it? People aren’t unreasonable for happily being single or polygamous or preferring to wear purple every day or disliking chocolate.

I didn’t want a single child, but I understand some people do and nobody’s less reasonable than the other person, it just suits them, their life, their family and the way they think. For me, it melts my heart when my two snuggle and the youngest calls her brother or the oldest shows her a new way to do something.

This is really interesting to read. I see so many of my personality traits in DD, but I’m in the middle of 4 siblings and she’s an only child. She definitely talks to adults in a different way to how I did though. What age did you teach? My DD is in reception and a lot of her peers have very young baby siblings. It’s difficult to see how having had a sibling for a few months could already have made that much difference to their behaviour/personality compared to an only child. Is it something you think kicks in later on?

Watching with interest. Had my first DD last June and already get asked if we are having another (which I find really annoying). To be honest we are really happy with one and aren't 100% whether we will have another. No pressure from DH as he would be really happy with one and we don't feel incomplete at all. The only thing that worries me is regretting not having more than one in the future. I always thought I'd have two in my minds eye but actually having one alters your perspective - DD is an absolute angel as well. Sleeps through, happy all the time and generally a joy. She will grow up with lots of lifelong friends through my friends children as well as cousins and second cousins in my family if we didn't have another. Will see if instinct prevails like it did with this one although can't afford another till DD is in free childcare anyway.

I was an only child, and feel I missed out.

I would have loved to have a sibling to grow up with. I spent a lot of time with only adults around me. They were loving and I was doted on, but it was a different kind of upbringing compared to my friends.

Now I am older, I feel sad that I don’t have a Brother or Sister to spend time with. My dh is also an only child, so we have no siblings and my kids have no cousins.

I lost my dear Dad a few years ago, and now my Mum is in a home. The responsibility is all on us to keep her looked after. It’s stressful at times, and would have been good to have another part of the family that cared as much as us for her. It’s lonely at times.

I have three children. I never wanted an only child.

I'm the eldest. I'm not on speaking terms with any of my siblings, for good reasons. My kids have never met their first cousins, and if I can help it, they never will.

I dread my parents dying not so much because of them dying, but because I will have to deal with my siblings.

I really, really, really wish my parents had stopped after me. Your idea of what it's like to have siblings is a rose-tinted view based on not having actually had any.

@BelindaBears

I mainly taught KS2, so most had siblings who were older than baby age (unless there was a bigger age gap). I guess it would take time to adapt to becoming a sibling, but some things change immediately. For example, bed time suddenly involves another person's schedule/ needs, mum/ dad has another person to carry/ cuddle/ get stuff for. Adult's tend to naturally accommodate the child... whereas other children are far less empathetic towards them and their desires!

In my experience, only children tend to prefer to do things on their own rather than with others, would often take a backseat in group work, would gravitate towards any adults in the room, wouldn't tend to stick up for themselves in a disagreement (i.e. about who was going to have the blue felt tip and who was going to have the red felt tip), would often be quite set about their ideas on things.

@Kpo58 perhaps that's correct in the early days, but from age 8 dc has a sleepover with friends/ family at least twice per month so dh and I get a day/ night to ourselves. We also reciprocate these sleepovers. Having 1 dc means we don't need to think about a second. Dc does a sport at a club level as does her bf (trains 4 times per week). We share lifts with the parents so we get another 2 evenings 'off' per week for 2.5 hours to binge watch yellow stone or other shit.

When dc goes on her school residential in a few months dh and I are off for 3 nights for a city break. We get lots of free time.

Thank you OP. I have an only child and it’s staying that way but I’m sick of other people’s comments “she’ll be lonely, she’ll grow up selfish, I’m selfish for not having another” blah blah. I really only ever wanted one child and she’s a well rounded, happy little lady

Interesting @bluelid
I teach secondary and have found eldest siblings and onlies generally more outgoing, confident and creative.

Thanks for replying! I definitely recognise some of your description (although many of those points also apply to my personality too so it’s hard to know what’s inherited and what’s the only child factor) I do consciously try to facilitate as many opportunities as possible for her to spend time with peers and her cousins who are close geographically and in age to help develop some of those skills she might not naturally get to learn at home.