To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

[Feelinadequate23]

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

Nothing you have said suggests your friendship group is in anyway at risk. If you want to go skiing with them at the expense of other holidays this year, you can choose to do so. So long as you don’t let this eat you up, chances are you’ll still be friends with these people for decades.

The other things you mention about wanting all the kids to stay friends is totally out of your control and you need to think sensibly about it. We have a similar group of friends-known most since 18 and all live relatively close. We all have kids the same age and saw each other lots growing up. Kids are now mostly 18+. None of the kids are best mates now. If they were to see each other out-they’d be really pleased to see them, would have a good chat and would consider them family friends, but they aren’t their good friends. they don’t make plans with them, go to the pub with them, go on holiday with them etc.

We, as couples, still socialise all of the time. It sounds like you are thinking that if you work really hard and send your kids to private school, you’ll be buying them guaranteed friendship in a group with these other kids and if you don’t, they’ll be excluded, and it just doesn’t work like that. Focus on your own friendships and your kids will make their own choices.

You're trying to replace family with friends... this is unhealthy. You shouldn't be living in each other's pockets, doing all the same things - and you certainly shouldn't want your children to replicate the group. They will make their own lives and friendships - in fact they may not even get on. My friends group - only 2 of the 6 kids get on. They're vastly different personalities. And it's completely ok - we just do more child free meet ups as a group.

You will allow your insecurities and unhappiness to trickle down to them and they'll live life like you do - always coveting what others have without any confidence in their own decisions and choices. Also they'll be susceptible to peer pressure and people pleasing rather than thinking/doing independently.

You do need to expand your social horizons - and also rely more on your own personality and preferences, individual friendships, your relationship with DH and other friends you make via hobbies or common interests. Have the confidence to be independent and strike your own way in life.

You seem to think wealth and maintaining the status quo is the only way to happiness. Your friends are more multi faceted and multi dimensional than this narrow money/privilege view you have of them. As are you and your family.

I understand Feelinadequate23. It's not resentment of anyone else's good-fortune but sadness that you don't have the same despite working incredibly hard. You've basically just woken up to the fact that life isn't fair, that's all. Up until now you could easily ignore it because you're probably doing better than most people in the country. Your very wealthy friends have just shone an increasingly strong spotlight on the fact that hard work only influences social mobility to a limited extent.

However, you can't change it and a sense of perspective is very healthy. Many people will look at you and your family and feel the same towards you as you do to your friends. For all you know many of your fiends may feel deeply insecure about what they have and envy that you achieved your position through hard work rather than family support. You also don't know how many of them may be carrying extreme debt (very easy to borrow significant sums if you have valuable assets). You can:

1. talk about it to dispel the myths.
2. Be upfront and non-apologetic about the fact you can't afford their suggestions (while not sounding bitter either) and suggest an alternative. If they're very wealthy they can do something else as well as what you suggest, so they're not going to miss out.
3. Broaden your circle of friends do you don't feel like the poor relation so much.
4. Ease out of the friendship group. There's a reason most friendships are within the same socioeconomic group. It's possible to navigate differences (I do) but it takes a good level of self awareness, confidence, communication skills and tact, whichever bracket you are in.

By your standards I'd probably be less well off. By many others I'm positively rich. I don't much care. I am happy with my life and that's the secret here. I'll happily explain I can't afford something because I don't feel I need to justify it, only that I need perhaps to gently remind someone that not everyone has that level of wealth. Financial norms apply at all levels in society and if you don't move outside them much it's easy to forget that it's not the same for everyone, rich or poor.

@Shinyandnew1 and @ganvough thanks for your posts, I needed to hear that

@Resilience yes that makes sense. I’ve definitely been guilty of not seeing enough of my own privilege in the past in other peer groups. Of course I knew life wasn’t fair but I never expected such a big difference emerging so quickly

But is like really unfair for you? Because you don't have a trust fund or because you weren't gifted a house? Or because your kids can't join in on skiing holidays? If that is your measure of unfairness and misfortunate I think you probably need to give your head a huge shake and realised that you are living an extrememly privileged existance. Loads of people work very very hard and don't have half of what you have.

There will always be people who have more and less than you in life, equally with friendships, people will go through highs and lows wealth wise as you get older.

Then CEO who gets pushed out and has to take a much lower income job, the part time business person who suddenly makes it big and increases earning power significantly.......wait 25 years and you will see this....but you either like people or not regardless of their income level.

Stop trying to keep up, freely admit you cannot afford certain expensive trips/holidays and suggest something else, friends who don't respect that are not really friends at all.

And even if you have some of those things, it doesn't mean life is dandy. I had an inheritance when I was 24 which allowed us to buy a house much earlier than our peers. Lucky me hey? Today is 16 years since my mum died and I would give back that house a thousand times over so she could meet my kids or have been at my wedding or to hear her voice again.

I honestly think you need some serious perspective.

I know we are very fortunate. It’s all relative and of course it’s natural to compare with people in your circle and who have had the same upbringing/education/ background as you, rather than people in very different circumstances. By your measure, nobody in the UK should be unhappy with their lot because at least we’re not in a war zone or an earthquake zone.

@whatadayforadaydream of course that’s not good luck in your situation. But nobody in this friendship group has suffered a bereavement so it’s not comparable.

Again, I wouldn’t even care if it was one or two of them being so wealthy, it’s the fact we’re the only odd ones out in a group so can’t join in.

Wow.

You are clearly entirely ignorant to your own fortune and so busy being jealous of your so called friends that you can't see what's good in your life. The biggest favour you can do your children in all this isn't taking them on fancy holidays, but rather teachings them to be grateful for the good things theyve' got.

But you can join in - you said yourself you could afford to go skiing but it would mean you wouldn’t have another holiday that year. Plenty of people only have one holiday a year. Okay, so you can’t send your kids to private school. You do realise many people richer than you choose not to privately educate on ethical grounds? It’s not a given that you HAVE to go private just because you can afford it. So what if all your friends are doing it, do you always feel so compelled to blindly follow what other people are doing?

Have your friends actually scoffed at you for declining to join them skiing or sending your kids to state school? Or is this all your own jealousy/entitlement/materialism speaking? Suggest doing things with them you can afford. And for god’s sake don’t raise your kids with such shallow values. What if one of them wants to pursue a (badly paid) art career or spend every penny they earn on travelling rather than property?

you really do need to check your privilege. Just because other people have more doesn’t mean you can’t be content with what you have.

If no one in the group has suffered a bereavement- then I’d be really surprised if all the difference is family handing over money, rather than as a couple their income from work is significantly better than yours.

you said there’s one who’s a teacher and one who works for a charity, what do their partner’s do for a living? Is it one of those jobs like “something in IT” that could be paying £30k a year or £150k with similar sounding titles? I know someone who is a solicitor who earns around £50k, I know another solicitor who is on nearly a million a year. They have similar job titles.

If you’ve come from poorer families, it’s easy to believe you are on good money for your age without realising what other options there are. I know I feel foul of this.

Also to add ,that not all the children are friends as teenagers/ adults! Different personalities/ interests defines any friendship ,not who their parents are friends with!

But these are clearly things that weren’t important to you before your friends started doing them (like private school), or you would have made those choices to earn more money already, wouldn’t you? You are coming across as very influenced by the idea of ‘keeping up with the Jones’ now.

I do see that it’s hard because you are the only couple in the group without this ‘extra/ family’ money, and you have acknowledged that you see this group as family and imagined all the children growing up together (though as PP have mentioned, this is slightly unrealistic), so it probably hurts more.

I think you either need to accept that you won’t quite be a full member of the group as you can’t join in with everything, and try to encourage lower-cost holidays/ events, or let the friendship drift a little and not be so enmeshed with them. This may have happened naturally as the children get older and are busier with new friends/ weekend activities.

You seem to have come to a very belated realisation of the level of inequity of wealth in this country, which is a privilege in itself. But you can't change it (other than possibly, slowly, by not ever voting Tory).

I have friends much much richer than me, some through their own efforts and some through generational wealth, but I never feel inferior to them. Similarly I am incredibly well off compared to other friends, and I don't in any way view myself as superior to them. You can work on earning more money if you want to try to keep up in a rigged competition which is mostly in your head anyway, but you'd be better off working on why you place such value on your perceived place in this artificial hierarchy and learning not to give a fuck.

I wonder how your friendship group would feel reading this. The assertations that you work harder and earn more and therefore are more deserving to wealth than them.

I wonder how your less well off friends would feel reading this. The value to put on money, and keeping up appearances. Your self pity over only being able to afford one foreign/ luxury holiday.

Perhaps try look at yourself through their eyes and see what you make of it.

good advice in this post re don’t worry about your kids not ‘keeping up’ just maintain your friendships as best you can but not by going to extreme lengths to fit in

Hmm.. Yes but it's all in your house isn't it! Not money going spare.

I have friends who kept their original properties when upsizing too. It's pretty galling isn't it.

Just found out that one of my mates stands to inherit millions. She's lovely, works really hard in her career & has never mentioned it. Doesn't change my feelings about her. She's one of the nicest people I know 🤷🏻‍♀️

@LuckyThatMyBreastsAreSmallAndHumble well it doesn't have to be all in your house & if it is it still frees up disposable income.

I wonder how your friendship group would feel reading this. The assertations that you work harder and earn more and therefore are more deserving to wealth than them.

It's this & having dc & getting caught up in thinking that if they don't get into the best schools, learn an instrument etc they won't get the top uni & won't earn well.

You seem to have come to a very belated realisation of the level of inequity of wealth in this country, which is a privilege in itself. But you can't change it (other than possibly, slowly, by not ever voting Tory).

i meant this!

To be honest your post made me quite angry but I see a lot of other people have said things I felt like saying. Britain is a very unequal place and you have just figured that out. Welcome to the world of people who know that.

So more positively, what are you going to do? If the holidays are the main thing then you could try taking one of the nicest ones into your confidence and seeing if she or he could steer the group discussions towards a cheaper holiday. Or if the status-seeking braying about nannies and private schools gets boring - and I would be running screaming into the hills with boredom - then for goodness sake, spend more time with different friends and only see these friends individually as that is when they can still summon up other topics of conversation.

Then think about whether this horribly unequal country is what you want your children to grow up in, and try to think about whether there is something you, in your professional and empowered jobs, can do to make it less horrible.

@Forgotthebins why are you angry at the OP for not realising things were unequal beforehand? I personally think it's the attitude that some posters have of telling OP she's "jealous" or "there's a war on so get over it" that are the attitudes that allow the inequality to perpetuate.