To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

[Feelinadequate23]

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

@whatadayforadaydream @Jooliusreezer i see what you mean. I definitely don’t think we are better than any of the others, no. I do think we work harder, but I know a lot of people work hard in low paying jobs and neither hard work nor wealth make you better or worse than anyone else.

I guess I am jealous. But it honestly is more the feeling of being left out and the feeling that everyone else has been in on this sort of secret that you don’t have to work that hard because eventually your parents will step in and provide the aspirational lifestyle. It’s making us view our and our closest friends’ choices in a different light. We may have made different choices if we’d known this situation was coming down the line.

How many friends are you talking about here, @Feelinadequate23 ? Is it eg three other couples or a big group of 12 friends all of whom have just bought massive houses?

What different choices would you have made?

I'm really surprised so many people seem to get help from their parents. I'm in my 50s and have always assumed people earned their money. Presumably all the posters who know people getting help are younger though so maybe things have changed. I'm also surprised people seem to discuss it so much.

I’m not sure why this is news to you? It’s been the way of the world forever. It sounds like you just have an intrinsic sense of entitlement that you should have massive houses and private schooling. No one deserves those things any more than others.

I have a friend who I know I earn more than, but her husband’s parents are millionaires and bought them an enormous house where their kitchen is bigger than my entire flat. It doesn’t make me feel bad about myself though because…well, why would it? Life and capitalism aren’t fair. The fact she’s sitting on 7 figures of unearned wealth doesn’t in any way denigrate my achievements. I also think it’s quite sad you seem to think houses and schooling are the only markers of success, I’m not sure how happy you can ever be when all you’re thinking about is having more.

@whatadayforadaydream we might have taken more stressful high-earning jobs to make sure we would be able to give our DC the same that our friends can.

You seem to feel resentful that your friends didn't sit you down 10 years ago and give you a full run down of their potential future inheritances, savings accounts and how likely their parents were to help them in future.

But imagine for a second they HAD done this, wouldn't you have thought they were mad/ bragging/ insensitive for spelling out how different your situations are?

I'm a bit younger than you. My parents gifted me and my brother each a five figure amount a few years ago. It was something I did not know was coming and was really surprised by. I haven't told a soul because I don't want to make my friends who aren't as fortunate feel bad.

My partner has a very wealthy father, and because of his help buying the flat we now live in, in a few years we will be mortgage free. I think about how lucky we are daily, but I haven't told anyone the extent of this apart from my own parents and one very close friend (because they asked). I've mentioned to most people that my DP's dad helped but I haven't gone into the details because I don't want people to look at us differently or feel bad about their own situations.

From what you've written on this thread so far, I get the impression you would think I'm being sneaky and unfair for not giving my friends regular updates on all of the above.

So you would have chosen different careers to keep up with the Jones? Presumably to the detriment of yourselves/ your time at home?

Honestly, that sounds insane to me. Own your choices and be proud of what you have. I would also be inclined to encourage you to check your privilege. It sounds like you are financially pretty secure an live a good life. But even if you come up short, that's not the fault of your friends, you are living the way you are as a result of the choices you made in the situation you were in. Your friends are not responsible for that.

But why is it so important to you that your DC have the same as your friends DC? Private schools have good and bad points.

Assuming your DC have other friends who live locally?

Do it now then, if that’s what you want.

You talk about one of the friends being a part time teacher-presumably that’s a decision they’ve made so one parent can be at home with the kids. Are you so bothered about trying to keep up with your friends on that score as well? Being there at home for them?

If you and your DH are both working 65 hour weeks to be able to give your DC ski holidays the same as your friends, are you then going to be sad that you can’t give them more quality time together, the same as your friends. Honestly-you are not going to be able to replicate every bit of their lives to produce the same experience if they have masses of parental help and money behind them-you’ll lose something else in the process.

You need to choose the bits that matter to you! Live your lives.

@bibbidybobbidyboo tbf maybe our friends didn’t realise either, I hadn’t considered that.

but if you were my only friend in that position I wouldn’t think much of it. It’s the fact it’s happened to all four other couples in the group

Also are the uni friend groups, your only friends who you socialise with?
Just wondering if more local friendships might help balance your jealousy a little?

We were definitely the poorer friends amongst our large circle of friends but it really hasn’t made any difference to our actual friendships.
This was 20 years ago and all our friends sent kids to private prep and then some to private secondary. As friends we still enjoyed each other’s company and our children all grew up together and are still friends now as adults.
Its very easy to forget what is normal,particularly around where we live ! Owning a house is already an impossibility amongst my childrens generation unless they have super wealthy parents and a job earning well over the average salary .
If your friends are genuinely lovely people they will not be looking down on you !
If they do change their attitude towards you then it’s their loss and very shallow!

@PeonyRose80 i guess we have all been quite enmeshed until now, so I assumed all of our kids would grow up being family friends and going on holidays all together etc. So I don’t want our DC to be the ones that end up being left out of the group as they can’t join in everything. They are all young at the moment but I have visions of when they’re older and all the other kids with posh accents from their private schools, wearing expensive clothes and sharing private jokes about the fun they had on their expensive group holidays, while my kids stand on the sidelines, not able to participate.

It’s probably true though that as they get older they might not all get on or want to spend time with their parents’ friends’ kids. I guess it will get easier as they make their own friends (still young enough that they spend most time with our friends’ kids).

@Ozcando thank you for that perspective, that has made me feel a bit more hopeful on the kids front

This. OP, you sound absolutely mental and I'm sure they're happy for you to not be in their group.

We do have other friends but this is the only friendship group where everyone tends to hang out together, husbands, wives and kids.

Other friends tend to be one-to-one or a group of women/men. Differences in wealth/lifestyle aren’t so obvious then and I also don’t have the added worry of our kids being left out.

Do you all live really near each other? If you do that would be highly unusual too and even if you do now that won't stay the same.

If you already live a reasonable distance from them then your children will find their own friends once they start school.

It's pretty unrealistic to expect any friendship group to stay so rigid. People meet other other people and hang out with other people at different stages in their life. DH and I are both friends with lots of people we went to university with but we have wider circles too.

@Feelinadequate23 I have kind of been where you are, hence my questions.
Your children will make their own friends, these uni friends kids will just be people they see.
Invest your money in enriching your kids lives with adventure, activities and clubs.
My very best friends in life weren’t my uni friends, the private school kids my parents friends had, the posh lot at my exceptionally corporate job.

Most came from my activities and clubs that I enjoyed as a child through to early 20s.
Something to think about.

You have a 3 bed house and well paying jobs. You sound very financially comfortable.

How can you possibly feel inadequate?
I think you need to work on your self esteem. There's always going to be some flash gigs waving money around but the reality is you never know peoples real situation.

You're basically trying to keep up with the Jones’. I can’t see any other reason for all this angst?

You don’t seem to care about having a massive house and sending your kids to private school, it’s just that now your friends have it you want it. It’s quite a sad way to live, to be blunt, OP.

Make your own choices and live life according to your own values.

@Feelinadequate23 also no private school, no parents help, paid for my own uni.

@DappledThings no we don’t all live in the same place but are only c.1 hour away from each other so do lots of meet-ups at weekends.

we were actually thrilled that our friendship group had stayed so tight-knit as we know most people start to drift. We were all each other’s best man /bridesmaids / kids’ godparents. So it does feel like we have a lot riding on this group even though we do have other people to meet up with. We’re not especially close to our families so this was sort of our family if I’m honest :-(

If your friends worked as hard as you think you do (big corporate jobs), then they would have surpassed you financially years ago. You have that bitter "middle class" attitude where people think having more equals better, but you think you are better than them because you earn more and so resent that they have more because that makes them better off. It's ridiculous.

Your friends are just there, living their lives to the standard they want for themselves. If you want that, then you're going to have to work even harder. Get into debt or burn yourself into the ground. Or you could just accept your lot and be happy, thankful and proud of what you have achieved. Why is it a bad thing that you would only be able to afford one holiday a year? So what? What's wrong with doing the big ski thing with the group then the rest of the year doing local things with your family? You just want it all and hate that you would have to work for it.

You are making some rather large assumptions about how your friends accumulated their wealth and the reality is that you have no idea of their financial circumstances. Some of it could be inheritance or parental contributions but equally it could have come from savvy investments. My DH’s friend is in tech and invested in a start up a few years ago and recently sold his share for ££££. He now, at 30 has a house most of us can only dream of owning but only a few people know how it was really financed. Lots of people assume he has come from a wealthy family which is just not true.

We all have friends that earn more and less than us but you need to work on being happy with what you have rather than attempting to keep up with the Joneses.