I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

YANBU, my uncle did this to my cousin, and then another cousin did this to (yet an)other cousin! It’s so rude! They just want to be the centre of attention, it’s very sad.

I wonder if this is more to do with trauma around your birth and feeling that you had no control/had lost control over the whole process (on top of all the the subsequent things that happened). Perhaps your MIL doing that (which isn't great, but not truly terrible) is a focus of your anger about it all?

I say that as someone who had a traumatic birth and stillborn. It was only when someone behaved inappropriately immediately afterwards that I really fell apart and I was probably disproportionately angry with them (but not much!). I now know I had PTSD from everything that had happened to me and the baby.

Perhaps some counselling/support to process it all (and next time MIL doesn't get to hear about the birth first...). So sorry you have had such a dreadful time.

Years ago before SM and the days of the big announcements, BDM events were word of mouth from Granny's, friends, neighbours, the coal man etc and parents didn't get upset, they just excepted the good wishes or kind words expressed. These days it is a minefield, i understand you are upset that a Proud Granny has put a post on her FB page but you have a healthy baby so nothing else matters.

I wonder if knowing how stressful your childs birth was , when your DP told his mum that she was a Grandmother her joy at the safe arrival of your baby, made her need to share.
You can't undo this , but you can control what she finds out. You still got to tell your friends who were not known to your MIL.
Celebrate your child and let this pass as your worry and hurts won't change anything.

I was going to say this too. The dad had already announced the birth to a group of people, so presumably MIL thought it was fine to share it with a wider circle after that. I gave birth before FB and the likes and I called my parents, my best friend, DH called his mum and friend and we asked them to spread the word to whoever would be interested. It might just be a generational thing where we now have these big announcements around gender and birth and we want to have reactions from everyone from an old school friend to old colleagues.

YANBU and I would be mildly annoyed but mainly relieved that she didn't tag me or DP in the post. That is based on the fact that I have very few friends in common with my in laws though.

I would make it very clear if/when you plan on having a second that you want to be the first to announce it. I wouldn't raise the issue now as there is nothing to gain.

Announcing she's a grand parent as if it's a thing just makes me 🙄.

Of course announcing that you have a grandchild is a thing! She was entirely wrong to do so before OP, but of course the safe arrival of a grandchild is something to be celebrated and enjoyed!

Grandparents can't win. There are so many posts on MN about GPs who don't show an interest.

The safe arrival of my first grandchild unleashed emotions that I totally didn't expect. There's something really primal that kicks in. I was proud, relieved, and just blown away with emotion. I barely know what to do with myself!

My mil did this. It's the one thing that has threatened my marriage as DH kept minimising making excuses. She tried it with my second and had to be told several times by DH it wasn't her news to share. We'd also not found out the sex and she posted that as well.
I had a similar birth with fears for the baby op and tbh I don't think I will ever be over it. She took the joy and thunder from me and I was left with a broken body and worry for a very sick baby.
Not gonna lie it's still painful and I'm still angry.

The safe arrival of my first grandchild unleashed emotions that I totally didn't expect. There's something really primal that kicks in. I was proud, relieved, and just blown away with emotion. I barely know what to do with myself!

Which is understandable. But surely you also cared about the baby's mother, and what she had just been through, and the fact that any unleashing of emotions could wait a few days or hours to check she was OK?

I would have been raging if any of my family done this.
i did send out a message to my family and my in laws that I didn't want anything put on social media before he arrived

She took the joy and thunder from me
It's the one thing that has threatened my marriage
I don't think I will ever be over it
Not gonna lie it's still painful and I'm still angry

I don't understand this...thunder? It's social media. This is a post on Facebook we are talking about. This is truly bizarre to me that people can feel as strongly as this. Literally all I cared about was the health of my baby and I had such joy as her arriving safely in the end. My "broken body" was enough to keep me occupied without worrying what my MIL had announced on social media about the birth of my child and her grandchild. It all seems so over the top and unnecessary. I didn't need "thunder"! It's an app on a phone! The world has gone demented!

I think I'd email your mil and say that you were disappointed to see that she had done that, when you logged on to announce the birth yourself. That you think it was your and DH's job to do that, and you feel that she snatched it from you, even if it wasn't intentional.

Because I had literally no good news whilst I waited to see if my child would live.
So to have someone announce the birth like everything was fine and dandy was fucked up tbh as I was then worried about what possible announcement I might have to make to follow it.
And yes, to keep me from going mad with worry I imagined a time when wed all be safe at home and I could announce the birth, have a little joy, separate from the anxiety.
To be honest I think it's demented to disregard others feelings like that. All you cared about was 'the health of your baby huh'. How to tell me you had a healthy baby and spent no time worrying of they'd survive without telling me that.

Right.

It always amazes me how so many grandparents concentrate on their feelings and excitement yet forget about the woman who brought said baby into the world, consider her feelings or think to ask if it’s ok to both parents before posting on SM. It’s not hard to ask beforehand. It’s basic manners.

Grandparents can't win. There are so many posts on MN about GPs who don't show an interest
All of my children's grandparents manage to be supportive and show interest without overstepping. They won. They didn't make it all about them and their own "primal emotions" but let DH and I take the lead before gushing all over SM about their new grandsons.
It's not difficult or expensive or any great hardship to respect the parents of your grandchildren.

After experiencing/enduring pregnancy and birth, it's a wonderful feeling to finally let people know that you've had a baby, and that you are both safe and well, in your own words. That is the thunder that anyone steals when they announce someone else's birth before the parents do.

Facebook is just the medium.

What did people do before Facebook and Instagram? You made a couple of phone calls and it was word of moth then. This is ALL about social media.

OP isn't upset about Facebook, she's upset that her MIL has used Facebook to announce the birth of her baby.

And yes, before social media people did make a couple of phone calls and use word of mouth. Those mediums still exist and overexcited relatives would do well to remember that (thankfully mine did).

So say Facebook did not exist. I have my baby, I ring my mother and my OH rings his mother. Both mothers ring everyone they know to tell them. I don'[t call everyone I know, neither does OH.

So this is most certainly because OP is upset because her MIL got to Facebook before her and let her family and friends know she had a grandchild. The woman was not instructed not to do this. So at the end of the day this is all about the big announcement on social media and "thunder" being stolen. Where is the "thunder" if there was no Facebook? It would be accepted that people would pass the info on while you were recovering after a hard birth. No thunder there at all. Social media makes people go mad.

It's not just about bloody Facebook. I learned my lesson and had a blanket no Facebook ban for my second and third. Did in person and phone calls only. Was lovely. And yes, mil stewed because it was always about Facebook likes for her and making it about her.

Hi Everyone again,

Thanks for all your responses - both who think I anbu and am, it's really insightful to hear different points if view.

To answer some questions..
It wasn't necessarily like I was super excited to post on Facebook- DP and I were umming and ahhing and to go on and see it already on there was just another shock/thing not under my control.
And re secrecy, it wasn't though the pregnancy was a secret.. more just didn't actually believe baby would get here safe and well (in hindsight think probably had Prenatal anxiety) to the point I just didn't really buy anything other than a few essential clothes for baby until they arrived (and then just hammered amazon!) And the thought of more than just those v close to me knowing was stressful.

I think those who have highlighted that my annoyance/negative emotions toward the situation are likely due to lack of control have really hit the nail on the head - thank you so much for helping unpack that and clarify this for me. There was just a lot that happened outside of my control through the birth and has been over the subsequent weeks (I've literally just had my first 5 days at home with no hospital appointments/trips to A&E etc. Which has been lovely but on reflection is probably why everything is coming out now as have time to think about it all) and I think I'm just feeling a lot of things and definitely deflecting anger unfairly. Like many have also highlighted, I'm so lucky to have a MIL who is excited and wants to be involved and it is unfair of me to have her as the scapegoat for my uncontrolled emotions.

Thank you also to those of you who have suggested some more counselling/therapy.. I didn't think I needed it but on reflection it probably would be beneficial. I'll get on it!

Finally, thanks again to everyone sharing their thoughts.. think whatever your response you've helped me realise that the posting on fb isn't the real issue here and I've got a few things to work on. Also, I'm sorry to hear similar/worse as happened to some too - wouldn't wish it on anyone xxx

She had absolutely no right to do that. End of!

It shouldn’t have to be instructed to not post about a baby that is not yours in the first place. Social media or not, it was a choice that should have been made by OP and her DH since it is their baby. It would have taken seconds to simply ask instead of doing it anyway out of “excitement” which is a poor excuse in the first place.

OK.

The average person has over 300 friends on Facebook and less than a third of them are considered close or genuine friends. That's issue #1 with FB announcements. As parents, you know who you have on your friends list and make a call as to whether to announce on FB or not. You are less likely to know who your parents or in-laws are friends with, but you can pretty much bet on the fact that they wouldn't be picking up the phone to each and every one of them to let them know they'd just have a grandchild.

Which brings me to issue #2. It is just good manners to ask the parents if they're happy for you to share the news straight after the birth. And that goes for any medium. When DS was born my mum asked if she minded if she let her friends know. Of course I didn't, but I was grateful she asked.

And issue #3. Of course OP wants to be the first to make an announcement about her baby on social media if she so wishes! Personally I post very little on social media, and chose not to do an announcement, but if I were that way inclined then of course I would want to be the first to do it. I carried my baby for 9 months and endured a gruelling 2 day labour to have him. His birth was mine (and my partners) news to share!

@Grumpynewmum23 I'm a bit late to the thread but in my opinion she was a but of ab idiot to post that, especially given the trauma of your birth. I would think it's common knowledge that you wait for parents to post just like waiting for newly engaged people to announce it before plastering your cogratulations. Unfortunately, mothers and mother in laws can become a law unto themselves when they become grandparents. They get totally overwhelmed with excitement and do all sorts of silly things which can upset people. So, in ny opinion you are totally entitled to feel a bit upset about this but I doubt there is much to be gained from discussing it with her. It sounds like you are starting to be able to out what she has done in it's place and as long as she is generally respectful of your boundaries with your baby I imagine that time will heal this well.

I had a fairly traumatic birth and my dm was a bit difficult with me afterwards I felt so angry for a long time but honestly that anger is just gone now. All I think now is I wish I had just not taken it all to heart at the time.