I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

Ignore her, she makes a habit of making disparaging remarks about new mums.

Last time it was a new mum who was worried about people kissing her newborn on the face. According to Katypp new mums are controlling, hysterical and basically ridiculous and if they* would just relax and stop trying to dictate to everyone how they should behave, life would be a lot less stressful. *This comment was made shortly after another poster said they knew a couple who had lost a baby due to neonatal herpes.

But god forbid anyone say anything remotely ageist.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius this 👆🏼in spades!!!

My inlaws just see my daughter as a chance to show off to her friends. She has no interest in my or my baby’s well-being or in my baby as her own autonomous person at all.

From my own perspective, my mother had a father she estranged when she was 13. When we were a bit older she took us to see if him, to see if we wanted to have a relationship with him, as she felt guilty we were missing out. We weren’t, he was selfish with her growing up and no better with us and we could see straight through him. Children aren’t idiots and they don’t miss out by removing toxic people from their lives. This might not be the case for OP, but I’m sick of the narrative on Mumsnet that grandparents relationships should be fostered at the expense of the parent (usually the dil on here). I have wonderful grandparent substitutes I chose and cherish. Family isn’t always blood, sometimes the family you choose is the healthiest, most supportive and loving.

This is a very good point and a useful link. I am always horrified by seeing pictures of young children posted on fb

Is it really ‘bowing at the feet’ and ‘entertaining every whim’ of a new mother not to put a picture of her bloodied baby on Facebook without asking her if she’s ok with that? Or without showing concern as whether she’s ok generally? (When she clearly wasn’t, as it happens). Isn’t it just a question of treating a new mother like a human being rather than a vessel? I just don’t really get it. I’m not a MIL but if/when I am I hope I’ll care about my DIL as a human being.

My parents were like OP’s MIL too when I had my oldest son so I get how OP feels. Their priority was posting pictures for likes without asking - some of them very personal pictures. My darling MIL was the complete opposite. Her priority was looking after me and the baby. She filled up the freezer with lovely batch-cooked dinners for us. When she first came over after we brought the baby home her first words were to me - ‘how are you feeling darling?’ She cuddled the baby while I had a shower and ate. She helped with washing and cleaning. She helped me find my feet when my DH went back to work. That pattern continued (I eventually had to speak to my parents about internet safety because it got really awful - think pictures of the kids in the bath). By contrast I think my MIL asked a week or so later if she could share some pictures with her friends and family (note - not on Facebook).

Guess who has a really close bond with both me and my children now? And guess who I’ll be moving heaven and earth to help if she ever needs anything?

If you have a daughter or a DIL and they ever have children do be sure to tell them they can’t expect any special treatment from you just because they’ve given birth.

Social media requires new manners and guidelines, and one of those is not announcing someone else’s good news for them, without their permission.

I absolutely agree with that. But clearly the etiquette hasn't quite reached everyone, with the rate of change being so rapid. Yes, they are NEW manners. So I do recommend that people ask/remind those close to them of what they want when it comes to SM and the baby, and early enough to prevent any mis-steps.

the expectation that society must bow at the feet of new mothers and entertain their every whim.
Or, you know, treat them as a medical patient who’s just gone through a major physical process and might need a wee bit of recovery, respect and a cup of tea before pictures of their blood-covered children are plastered on social media?

I agree completely, @saraclara.

Spot on.

This happened to me but by one of the neighbors, I had an unplanned home birth. I was stood in my hallway refusing to get in the ambulance because she was parked behind the ambulance waiting to see the baby.
I was stood with the umbilical cord hanging between my legs and obviously wasn’t in the mood for meet and greets. My mum was stood outside holding the baby trying to avoid contact while trying to get in the ambulance.
I got home at 1am to find she’d congratulated me on the birth of my baby. I had to start ringing waking family and my dad at 1am to tell them their granddaughter had arrived before they looked and found out on fb. I’m still annoyed 7 years later.

It sounds like your baby had a dramatic entrance into the world and it must have been traumatic for you. But I don't get why you had to wake your family to 'announce' your news? Surely at the end of the day, the point is your family know your baby is here not that they know from you specifically? Why make such a big deal over it?

Because she wanted them to hear from her, after a bit of a shocking birth, rather than second hand from some nosy loitering neighbour who wanted in on the action and so posted about it on Facebook.

no it wasn’t dramatic at all at the side of a hospital birth, yes unplanned but I never said dramatic. Annoying some silly woman is desperate to get the first look when what was important was getting me and the baby checked out. No one minded me waking them up either at 1am. People did mention the woman’s post and congratulated me in private message after she’d txt them also. Hardly loosing sleep over it katypp.

YABU

I think it's quite unusual to ask for secrecy through the whole pregnancy (and quite difficult for anyone in the know whose chuffed about it.

So, I'm guessing she was told to keep quiet until birth & if she was as excited the photo might be a nod to her thinking great I can tell folk....giving two things

1. She doesn't have form
2. She seems excited

Anyway as you say too late now better to move on. If you're that irked just make a mental note for the future.

This has to be trolling now.

Certain posters are just showing themselves up to be dreadful human beings that I'm very glad I don't know IRL.

How is letting your own dad know you’ve had a baby “making a big deal”? Most parents would want to hear from their children (or children in law) about their grandchildren, not a randomer on Facebook. It’s a lovely phone call to make: with my second I FaceTimed my parents and daughter from the recovery room (kids weren’t allowed on the ward, no visitors) and we all burst into tears of joy at once, together. It’s a happy memory but I suppose I ought to have let the DH of a woman in the next bay tell the postman to mention to the newspaper boy to shout it over the fence, just as special.

I guess for threads like this to exist there have to be people who think it's OK to announce the birth of a new child before the parents do (without checking first).

Hopefully this thread will make them aware that most people find it pretty fucking rude.

Unfortunately I think these people know perfectly well this sort of thing is out of order, but prefer to pretend it's fine because they don't want to moderate their behaviour.

Yes, this.

I live in a different country to my parents, whereas my in laws are round the corner.

After each of my children was born we called my parents first. It meant a lot to them to know they were the first people to hear the happy news, given that there are a lot of other firsts they probably won't be around for given the distance.

I can't imagine how my mum would feel finding out about the birth of her grandchild on bloody Facebook!

Fine to be annoyed, OTT to be 'absolutely incensed.'

Also, off-topic, I'm once again amazed at how emotionally involed with Facebook people on MN still are. It's like the last decade never happened.

I agree to an extent re newer users of social media and etiquette. Someone else described it as a shiny new toy that a lot of the early adopters have now moved on from, and are seeking more privacy, however some of this is basic manners/common sense.

My mum, who does not have social media, updated her friends on the birth of her grandson on the phone or in person. She checked with me first if I was happy for her to share the news. It wasn't a big deal (Is it OK if I tell the girls?/Sure!) and I obviously had much bigger things on my mind than DM telling Sue from work that she was a grandmother. I would say I appreciate her asking, but I would have expected any less since because she's a considerate person. I can't see this being any different if she did have social media.

@Calphurnia88 @Yousee @RosaBonheur
I can assure you I am not a troll, just someone who has different opinions to you.
I can assure you I am not a nasty person. I always smile on threads such as this because I am always accused if being a bad person, nasty etc when it's those I am arguing against who are stopping contact, arguing, laying down the law and being frankly utterly disrespectful to (usually) the very people who raised their partner.
I real life I am laid back and go with the flow. I do not make everything into a drama with me at the centre of it, in a mistaken belief that trying to control everyone and everything in some way makes you a better mum.
For the record (I think soneone asked) it really wouldn't bother me if I didn't get round to telling everyone myself, it really wouldn't. But it's a great opportunity to stamp your feet and show everyone who's boss now, isn't it?

This is the thing.

Most of us DON'T want our friends and family finding out about the birth of our children through someone else's Facebook post. And a lot of us having babies now are pretty over social media (or certainly over it as a medium to share personal information).

A lot of posters seem to be missing this.

You seem to come on these threads with a lot of negative energy and either you're projecting a bad relationship in your own life or you need to take a break from MN as it's skewing your view of the world (particularly new mums and/or daughters in law).

it's those I am arguing against who are stopping contact, arguing, laying down the law and being frankly utterly disrespectful

When has anyone suggested any of these? Most people are simply agreeing that MIL was out of order. I think the most extreme suggestion has been to be mindful of what information is sharing with MIL going forward as she may post it online. Either that or have a chat with MIL to let her know what you are/aren't happy to be shared going forward.

disrespectful to (usually) the very people who raised their partner

There seem to be a cohort of MN users that see MIL in a thread title and act as if its a call to battle. It's really tedious - they never appear to have read what the OP has actually written, and instead write hyperbolic responses about how dramatic she is being and how she will no doubt change her mind when she wants a babysitter.

And yes, it does work both ways (there are users that project their own MIL issues) but at least they're respectful to OP.

Guessing she couldn’t contain herself but I don’t think that’s an excuse. Parents are first to announce it on social media unless they ask someone to do it.

It is huge. My cousin couldn’t contain herself a few months back and announced our mother’s death on Facebook on the same day, it’s how all our many cousins found out.

Mum had given me a list, she intended our aunts and uncles (not regular Facebook users) to find out first and they would tell the cousins.

I certainly haven’t moved past this! Left a deep imprint, just like what is said and done on the day you give birth.

Don’t know what the answer is. Like you I haven’t said anything to her, just privately between us siblings.