I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

No tips for getting over it I'm sorry but that is not on good form at all!! I would be very angry if my MIL did this. Have you spoken to her about it?

I think you’re overreacting to be “incensed” by this but I understand why you’re annoyed. I’d file this in the “it’s annoying but it’s done camp” and move on. Like you said, she didn’t tag you so your friends and family won’t have seen it so it hasn’t impacted your announcement. It was poor etiquette but not really all that important. She was wrong but does it actually matter? I hope your recovery is going ok and congratulations.

No, because in all honesty I have no idea what I'd say! I didn't even think to say before baby was here about not posting as thought it is obvious - wish I had and definitely will if have another.
Have spoken to DP about it and agreed it wasn't great so good to have some solidarity.

Did she know it was supposed to be a secret and that she didn't have permission to tell her friends/post?

Mine did this. I had only just got out of theatre, not told my family yet and she had announced the birth of my little one, how the labour went, weight, sex and name.....and tagged us in it! My daughter is 8 now, I am still not over it. I only found out so quickly as my phone was blowing up and my husband looked and people were congratulating me. I was only just coming round. Sorry you have experienced the same, Its an incredibly selfish move. No one has the right to announce the birth of anyones child

Next time something important happens she doesn’t get to be on the list of people who get told first. Tell her when you’re ready to announce to the world. Send her an individual message at the same time to be diplomatic.

is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?

Both. It’s not really a big deal.

Yeah you're right, it doesn't actually matter in the grand scheme of things - this is the advice I need!

You ANBU. I see how it would annoy you. It would annoy me. But if your MIL is otherwise a good person in your lives, maybe try to move on. As someone who overthinks alot i know that this is alot harder than it sounds. Congrats on the baby. It sounds like youve been through alot.

If it's bothering you that much I would tell her, but with the aim of expressing your feelings without turning it into an argument (unless she's generally not a decent MIL).

And learn from it

Honestly I think that's one of those things you will only get over it if you genuinely want to and can move past it!

Have you been able to talk about why you're upset / why she did it?

Has she apologised? That would be huge for me, if she didn't realise how wrong she was or how upsetting it was I wouldn't be able to move past it. Does she understand how out of order it is?

Genuinely you're not BU to be upset, I think it's pretty common for parents to announce births - her not tagging you suggests to me she knows how it usually works, and why on earth did she think that a private photo sent to family was for public posting? Definitely set some expectations asap going forward so you can avoid any future repeats.

I think it's very poor form. Your dp should say something (even if it is 3 months later) and she should apologise.

@Ting20161987 sorry that happened to you too - it is annoying isn't it!

I cant see the big issue tbh unless she is friends with all your friends? She didnt even tag you or your dp so it wouldnt have gone to your friends, plus your dp had already sent the photo to family so who did she actually announce it to other than her friends?

@Chickenly yeah in the grand scheme of things it really isn't, that's why I feel a bit unreasonable being so annoyed and want to get over it!

You are not BU to be upset but to be honest if she is an otherwise good person and grandmother then just let it go. I'm not into big announcements personally so I can't get worked up about these things and my mother has 8 sisters so they are always passing news around and a new baby would be great joy and excitement. However I totally understand how traumatic a difficult birth can be

My mil did this too.

The good thing about it was it made up my mind that our child was definitely getting my surname...

She was delighted and excited to share the amazing news - find something better to focus your annoyance on or, better still, move on! Would your daughter be upset about this? No. And it's about her, not you. So get a grip.

That is really annoying.

I suppose to move on I would look at the intention hopefully over excited granny rather than being inconsiderate of you and dh. Also tell myself the usual forgive someone to allow you to move on and have peace rather than because they deserve it.

Eh?

I honestly dont see the connection in those 2 things, how weird.

@pawz

Haven't spoken to her as dont know what I'd say really. But equally being fair to her haven't given her a chance to apologise/not voiced my feelings about it so it would be unfair to expect her to be apologetic.
Have seen her since and been normal with her too so would probably be like a bit crap of me to bring it up now.
Hence why I need tips to get over it too!!

Think like you say if I want to get over it, then I will. I do want to as feels rubbish wasting energy on being angry!

Its an awful thing to do! Anyone with half a brain cell doesn't say anything until the parents themselves have announced it on social media etc! I would have been livid if my ex mil had done this and i know my dil would have also been furious if i had done it! Its a very selfish, thoughtless thing to do! I would say something if i were you!

@Ellie1015 lovely advice, thank you!

It was wrong. I feel for you, but you need to move on. Maybe you are venting there due to all the trauma you went through with the birth and are focusing on her? There's no point arguing now as she is unable to change it. Just be sure to mention in future with any news of yours, that its only yours to announce.

Its not her news to share!!!