I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

My sister did similar when my second child was born. Posted pictures on social media when MIL hadn't even seen him yet. She did it cos she is the type of person who has to make everything about her. You need to decide if MIL is like that or if it was a blip.

With my sister, I now have to stage manage her involvement in things. I have also since deleted my own social media, so she could be posting God knows what and I am happily oblivious.

I had two difficult births with both kids and TBH I didn't like a lot of how people behaved towards me at the time. Because I was struggling and no one except DH and my mum cared about me. It was all about the babies. I made my feelings known to people and they apologised. A lot didn't realise how ill/depressed I was at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is if MIL is a generally kind and thoughtful person, raise it. If she's always interfering and making it about her, talking to her will be like pissing in the wind TBH.

I agree. She shouldn’t have announced anything without checking with you. I don’t get why anyone but the parents feel they have the right to announce a birth to family members. Especially on SM with a photo that she hadn’t been invited to share.
It isn’t worth WW3 but a quiet word now will make her aware of your expectations. Otherwise she’ll do the same with baby’s first tooth, first step, first birthday party etc.

@bloodyplanes is absolutely right - it is an awful thing to do! My lovely DIL and ds1 had their first baby last year, and I can understand how excited and thrilled @Grumpynewmum23's MIL was - I was over the moon - but I didn't share the news or any photos, without their agreement. My granddaughter is 7 months old now, and I am still careful about what I share on social media. I'd rather under-share than overshare and upset my son and DIL.

She posted our child's picture and full name, without our permission or knowledge. We were never going to put anything about our kids on Facebook.

She posted our child's first name + my partner's surname (which is also my mil's surname). We hadn't yet decided what name to register the baby with.

My mil doing that made it very clear that she wasn't going to respect our boundaries or autonomy, and that we would need to resist all of her efforts at controlling and owning our family.

Giving the child my surname was a clear statement of intent (we did double barrel it later on when we got married), and a clear line in the sand.

And 15 years later, having seen how things subsequently played out, we were absolutely right to do so.

Oh I do. I’d have to admit that if mine had done this I would have insisted that DH send no photos of second child until we had made the announcement. Severe level of overstepping , in my view.

Thanks for your replies everyone - it's helpful to know some think it isn't a big deal at all and some recognising why I feel annoyed. I think I feel like both of that at the same time - almost annoyed at myself for feeling annoyed if that makes sense!
The general consensus seems to be I need to get over it too - I think that's just the advice I was looking for (alongside some validification of my annoyance!)
Ultimately, she is a good MIL and I really want to have positive familial relationships.

Whilst it may seem obvious to most of us that parents may want to announce the fact that your DH posted the picture to a group of people may mean that MIL assumed that meant it was announced and therefore made an incorrect assumption she could let her friends know. It wasn't as though he sent it to her privately and said please don't let others know until we have the chance to.

I think you are understandably traumatised by the birth and aftermath and therefore perhaps lumping this in with the series of catastrophes when maybe it should not be.

I think tell her at some point that you were disappointed that she announced publicly before you were able to and in future could she check with you before passing on your news more generally.

@Soapyghosts sorry that happened to you/the traumatic births too - and can empathise with everything being about baby.. though I expect that is always the case sadly!

My auntie did similar. I was so hurt and felt so stuck in hospital to do anything. Luckily my sister saw it and rang her up and told her to take it down. It was worse as she'd tagged me in it. I'm only grateful we hadn't told her the name we had settled on.

I think you should bring it up in a low key way and say this had bothered you particularly after the birth you had and you wanted to clear the air and move on. I bet she'll be apologetic and it'll be helpful.

I don't understand why the secrecy?
When mine were born, my husband immediately phoned his mum and asked her to pass the good news on.
Surely it doesn't matter? What matters is that both mum and baby did fine?
You have a beautiful baby, concentrate on that and let the rest go, otherwise you will let it spoil a wonderful time.

I'm really surprised by the people minimising this and wonder if they haven't suffered from anything psychological during pregnancy or birth. everyone knows that telling people about pregnancy or birth is a huge moment for the parents and it is terrible that she took that moment away. I totally get it OP but if it was me having a good old vent to someone would help me move past it. Have you spoken to your OH about how cross you are? Having him validate your feelings could really help.

I can understand that you would be upset about this. Here are a couple of things to consider

Write a letter to her and pour it all out. Include every detail and exactly how it made you feel. Then put the letter in a safe place and dont send it. You might find that writing it down helps you process it.

There is a chance that you have a lot of unprocessed anger and grief over your birth experience. Do you think its possible that as you dont have a reasonable target for that anger, you are directing it towards MIL for her mis-step ? It might be worth you having some talking therapy or counseling to unpack your feelings over the whole shebang and see if that doesnt help you feel more settled. It cant be nice to be feeling so incensed and be bottling it up.

Honestly if she’s a good MIL all round and a reasonable person I don’t think there’s any harm in bringing it up now.
if it’s bothering you then you might not feel able to move on without getting it out, and as you say, how can she know she’s upset you if you don’t tell her?
it doesn’t have to be a big deal or argument, just “MIL on reflection I’m really upset that you announced the birth of DD on social media without checking with us first. I know you didn’t mean any harm so I do want to draw a line under this and move on but in future I’d appreciate it if you checked in with us first just so we have a chance to share our news with the people that are important to us first before you then celebrate with the people important to you.”

Once it’s out there moving on will be easier.

YANBU. This happened to me! I was so upset. My son is 15 months now and I’m over it but I still get the rage whenever I think about it. Never said anything to her as I’m sure it wasn’t malicious.

I actually think it’s better that you weren’t tagged. My MIL tagged me in the post and so all my friends and family were congratulating me on her post! Aaaarghhhh, on second thoughts maybe I’m not over it 🤣

Love this!!!! Well done you!!!!

@SeaToSki I like your advice! Im normally such a journaller so I think normally would have worked through this, but with new baby and weeks and weeks of follow up appointments and stuff I think it's been on the back burner.

Have had counselling with the hospital, everyone keeps telling me that it's all OK cus mum and baby are both fine etc (even during the counselling session). Think I probably do need some further support and am definitely misdirecting feelings - thanks for helping me recognise that.

Your feelings are completely normal and reasonable. You already felt like you had no control after your traumatic birth and she further took control from you by announcing the birth herself. One of these things couldn’t have been helped and the other could. Very understandable to focus on the one that shouldn’t have happened and be upset by it. 💐

What a lot of crap. It's very much about the person whose body has just been shredded giving birth to the child. OP isn't just a vessel, she's a person who deserved to share her news in her own time.
MIL could have been delighted and excited offline for a day or two, using her brain to realise that it wasn't her place to make the announcement before the parents.

My FIL did this- weirdly out of character for him as he’s not really big on social media and not normally a thoughtless person. I can only imagine the excitement of his first grandchild got to him! Anyway it IS annoying but at the end of the day, it doesn’t take away anything from what you did bringing your baby into the world in the first place. You’re the mum, you’ve got a million other “firsts” coming your way and I think you’ll be happier if you let it go and focus on relaxing (as much as possible lol) with your baby.

My mum did this.

She got a very curt phone call from me with a four hour old baby “please remove that post from Facebook”. Even at the best of times she is a performance grandparent for Facebook. My first two children I had warned her explicitly from doing this, but I had forgotten when ringing her with news of number 3 so her response was “but you didn’t say I couldn’t do it”.

And yes it still upsets me several years on - not so much for the fact of it having been done, but that a) it was unnecessary stuff for me to worry about on the day (my phone was pinging with congratulations messages from people who saw her post) and b) the fact that my mother really is that insensitive.

She then spun it to a couple of people (and probably more) about how I rowed with her on my daughter’s birth day but what can you expect, I was so hormonal and unpredictable. I.e. people thought I was the unreasonable one in this.

Sorry Op, I think YABU if you hadn't discussed this with her beforehand. You are clearly struggling having suffered a difficult birth, which is completely understandable. For your own mental health, you need to find a way to accept what has happened and move forwards and stop holding onto your hurt feelings.

It's clearly unfair to punish someone for not automatically knowing your wishes if you don't tell them explicitly. Hinting doesn't count! You need to think about what you're ok with moving forwards and then sit down and have a grown up conversation without throwing around blame.

Everyone has different opinions about posting on SM and in many families, these sorts of News posts from new grandparents are viewed as entirely normal.

Presumably you already knew she posts on social media so it was up to you and your DP to have that conversation.

I'm a MIL and I only post stupid memes and crap on Facebook if I post anything and never pics of people as I hate my photo being taken so I won't post anyone else's either.

However, many of my friends are grannies too and I'm very unusual in my circle of friends as they all post pics of their DC and baby GDC as soon as they're born. The phones come out whenever we meet for coffee to show off their latest photos because they're so proud of their kids.

That was so annoying. Your face must have been in shock!
I would not say anything. Remember to give a directive with any more photos. (Will baby be allowed to be online?)
I'm assuming MIL is extra excited and very proud of baby.
Beside herself with happiness. That is what I would remember.

You are already getting over it by recognising that the time has passed. If anyone can say anything, your husband should be the one to explain the plan of whether baby will have an online exposure.
She won't do it again; she will have instructions.

I think it would be odd/awkward to initiate a conversation specifically around this now but if the subject comes up (or something linked) I'd certainly drop something in and ensure OH was on side eg "Oh congratulations SIL on your engagement. Best get your announcement sorted quickly before MIL posts on FB. Remember OH when you're phone was blowing up as I came back from recovery...."

I can see you're a bit annoyed but I'd say it was down to you two to ask people to hold back or not post on FB. I don't think it's explicitly understood. If 20 years ago your mum had gone home she'd have rang your auntie and your nan and told Maureen next door in the morning. FB is just more public and instant. I also wouldn't necessarily expect to be tagged in any pics of me or my children, even a wedding or birth.

Why do people do this? Read a whole post and focus on one word which is clearly a figure of speech. It's pedantic and smacks of holier than thou.

Usually I wouldn't pick up on this sad retort to the OP, but given the absolute hell she has just been through and that she isn't actually being unreasonable, why squash her down on her choice of wording?

Why? Does it make you feel big and better that you chose a better adjective than she did?

I would genuinely like to know why you and others do this.

"YABU to be "fuming" but you're multi unreasonable to be annoyed"

and the like.

Wtf, why?