I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

The general etiquette is that you should never be the first to post someone else's news...or at least that's how I view it...that includes births, deaths, jobs whatever. You let the person say it themselves first.

So your MIL was absolutely in the wrong and it should have been dealt with at the time. A simple call or text from your DH to say 'please take the picture down' would have done the job but I also understand that it was probs the furthest thing from your mind. If you otherwise have a good relationship with your MIL, then you could have a gentle chat with her and explain it's taken you a long time to bring this up but it did upset you. If she's a decent human she'll apologise and you can move on.

Or are there other issues/factors at play here too?

@Grumpynewmum23 - I think it's quite relevant what @Soapyghosts wrote in their post:
"My sister did similar when my second child was born. Posted pictures on social media when MIL hadn't even seen him yet. She did it cos she is the type of person who has to make everything about her. You need to decide if MIL is like that or if it was a blip."

If your MiL has a penchant to want to share news that isn't really hers to share, then you know you have a MiL problem and you stop telling her things that you don't want circulated, and that might include the date & time a new addition to the family is born etc.

In my family, we have a saying "Telephone, telegram, tell a gran" as one of the grandmothers is such a blabber mouth that you have to specify that she isn't to share information with anyone else in the family because if you don't, within 24 hours, every one knows without you having opened your mouth.

If this was a once off, then chalk it up to her being excited and being the proud granny but at least you'll be on your guard for the next time.

I can understand why you feel strongly about this. Labour and birth is often a scenario in which decisions are made about you and your body (and often, procedures are carried out on you) without you having much say in the matter.

Medical professionals obviously have to make speedy, evidence-based decisions. But your MIL’ s announcement totally disregards your effort over many months in growing a baby from 2 tiny cells, and going through the birth . It’s relegating your status to that of grandchild incubator.

I also would not be happy about my child’s data being published- can you get FB to take this part down?

That said, you probably can’t achieve anything by speaking to her about it now. Going forward, any important news should be shared with her last, after you’ve had time to talk with other key relatives. This includes baby pictures, any future pregnancy or birth announcements, or any medical information.

Ex sil did the same. Ex MIL not on FB otherwise I'm sure she'd have done the same.

It's really rude. But it's done. Just have to move on.

To all those down playing this I would be livid and as a mil I would not dream of doing this.

It's not age though it's just plain lack of manners courtesy and empathy.

My sils step granddaughter announced her dhs death on face book without any reference.

I think you have every right to being peed off. It wasn't her news to share. I have just become a GM and would not share one photos of my GSon on SM. I have shared with friends and family on WhatsApp but would never go SM with someone else's big moment. Maybe the next milestone get your DH to have a word prior to the event ( thinking 1st birthday) so she has be warned not to share anything.

I'd have been really annoyed. My MIL isn't on FB so no worries there, I had my mum well warned.

I know it's been a while but could DH maybe ask her to delete that initial post? I know in the grand scheme is miniscule but it would get at me, I think I'd like the post gone. Even if it was months later and she thought I was being precious.

No it is absolutely not the MIL news to share until the parents have done so! If you believe that it's your news to share then you may well end up being extremely unpopular as a MIL.

My MIL did it and then got angry when asked to take down the post claiming it was her right as a grandparent. She has been asked not to do it and then claimed my mother said she could 🙄. We have a strict policy on our DCs social media presence (which I appreciate will change when they are older and can post things online)

She also announced our engagement which was irritating but we did not address

Maybe ask yourself how many of MIL's friends are also your friends? She shared it on her Facebook but I would have thought 95% of your friends/family wouldn't have seen it. Does it matter if Judith, the person you've never met, from Bingo saw it vs Kelly your best work mate in your office - kinda thing

She was out of line and your DH should tell her. I'm not one for sending out my DH to do my dirty work because it's 'his family'. It's not 'his family' - it's our family but in this instance he should have said - Mum we wanted to do the announcement, please take it down.

Understand that time has passed now.

Put it down to older generations not understanding social media etiquette. Don't hold on to it. You're only hurting yourself in the long run.

But yes I would have been fuming too!

If it helps I had a difficult birth and an emergency c section and my son went to the special unit but I was too poorly to go with him- my m'n'law had a cuddle with him before me. I was mad for 6 years but I am over it now - time heals!

I think you feelings are valid - it was a selfish thing for her to do. Hopefully, it was just a one-off mad self consumed thoughtless moment in the excitement. I wonder if she understands boundaries generally?

I would try and take it as information - unfortunate timing to find this out but your MIL is presenting as someone who needs boundaries to be very clearly communicated, even if they are socially accepted norms. Hopefully...she could just be self centred and not able to respect other people's boundaries if they don't align with what she wants to do.

My son is now 19 and I can't think of the day he was born with undiluted joy due to the odd actions of PIL...they did three things that day that I still can't really comprehend how they didn't realise that these things were not ok/supportive/normal/safe/reasonable/not creepy.

BeachBlondie

In my circle we are all grandparents and none of us would dream of doing this.

Please don't and tell your friends not to either. It's huge news to be broken by THE PARENTS not anywhere else

“Just for the future MIL, with everything being so public these days we are conscious of our digital footprint for a number of reasons. Could you please check with us before sharing personal pictures and news far and wide? The birth was a really difficult time for us and we had been hoping to share ourselves when we were ready. Thanks.”

My sil did this to me too. I was shocked when i opened face book, when i got home from the hospital. She even announced her name!!!

Older generations not understanding social media?????

I was a gran in my 40s don't Be so ageist. No excuse at all

Just enjoy your baby. 100 years ago you'd both have died during the birth. Quit Facebook and caring about petty fb post nonsense and start living.

Easy solved
don’t send her any more photos
don’t trust her with your child ,as she will clearly do as she pleases
and keep her at arms length
if your husband can’t keep her under control,then she’s kept at arms length

Think this is a tad dramatic!!!

"It’s relegating your status to that of grandchild incubator." MIL is, albeit not so closely, also related to the new baby and is perfectly entitled to be excited....

Having said that, I totally get your annoyance @Grumpynewmum23. It was not MIL's news to share. I'm certainly old enough to be a MIL/GM but am not yet! However, it's 3 months down the line, and the only person upset about this now is you. It's not worth wasting your energy over it now - you have a tiny scrumptious little new person who takes up a lot of it!

You said your MIL is generally a decent person, so I think it's time to let it go. To raise it with her now would only upset her and I don't think it would help you much either. I do think a lot of your anger may be focussed on this around the traumatic birth you had, and I hope you're getting help with processing that.

Back in the olden times (!), the new dad phoned the new grandparents. I have always felt vaguely pissed off that I didn't get to hear my parents' reaction but hey, that's life.

Best wishes x

My FIL did this with a photo of us in recovery which I thought would’ve been obvious was for family eyes only! But you live and learn. It really upset me - I also found birth traumatic and I think it added to my feelings of being disappointed, upset and out of control, and was another thing that hadn’t gone ‘right’. My partner spoke to his dad and he removed the photo, and I also got an apology. Could your DP speak to your MIL? Just mention that you’d hoped to announce and she really should have waited for your permission? I’ve also found the feelings have faded with time x

Picking up on your question "What is the alternative?"

The really quick answer is to wait. Not forever. Not even for a week. For a few hours or at most a couple of days. That would be enough. The grandparents know. Mrs Smith who happens to live down the road from the grandparents however does not need to know so quickly, even if the grandparents are excited, proud, pleased, relieved or under whatever emotion that they might be feeling.

The parents announce the birth.

Then the relatives weigh in and post on their social media channels.

That's the alternative.

She's an insensitive, selfish attention seeker.

But your real problem OP is your birth experience. It wasn't a bit tricky, it sounds positively traumatic. How are you doing now?

I think you have a right to be annoyed.

But it's done. It's, ultimately, nothing. It doesn't affect you, your baby, your life in any way.

Your own life is nicer if you can just let things like this go.

I’d be upset too OP. It really wouldn’t have killed her to wait for you and your DH to announce the news publicly before doing the same. In fact it’s basic good manners. However, it’s done now and I wouldn’t hold a grudge but I would hope that your DH will have a word with his mum privately to tell her she was out of order. I’d like to think the excitement of becoming a granny meant she got carried away without thinking but equally if she can’t be trusted with stuff like this she’ll end up finding out on FB with everyone else.

The OP's asking for support in how to get past this so all the posters throwing insults at the MIL aren't really helping..