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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to get over MIL announcing birth

437 replies

Grumpynewmum23 · 01/03/2023 12:03

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

OP posts:
Sammysquiz · 01/03/2023 17:21

I understand your feelings, I think the only thing will help is time. On the day my DS was born my MIL suggested we change his name to one she liked more, and I was so pissed off, but now I just feel mildly irritated when I think of it!

slowquickstep · 01/03/2023 17:24

phoenixrosehere · 01/03/2023 16:32

Right.

It always amazes me how so many grandparents concentrate on their feelings and excitement yet forget about the woman who brought said baby into the world, consider her feelings or think to ask if it’s ok to both parents before posting on SM. It’s not hard to ask beforehand. It’s basic manners.

Show quote history

Do you really think Mums aren't aware of what their Daughters have gone through ? I for one was a mess when my "child" was in labour, i cried with relief when she made it through alive. Every Grandmother is well aware what a new mum has gone through, maybe we are less aware about how mega important it is to the younger generation that they get to a make a post on SM first.

weirdoboelady · 01/03/2023 17:31

@Grumpynewmum23 just to say I think your last post is really lovely, and you sound like a great person x

Anklespraying · 01/03/2023 17:36

BeachBlondey · 01/03/2023 14:26

I honestly can't see what she's done that's so wrong? She didn't tell any of your friends, and she didn't tag you in her post. She merely told her own friends that her Grandchild had arrived safe and well. She will have been super excited.

What's the alternative? Do you want her to hand you her address book, and ask you to personally call all of her friends? Would you prefer it, if you found out that she didn't bother to tell any of her friends? I bet you'd then be moaning that "MIL hasn't told anyone she became a Granny <sad face>"

I had my children before social media existed, and I have no idea who MIL spoke to about her Grandchildren being born. It didn't even cross my mind. She's dead now, but I really hope she was calling every Tom, Dick and Harry with her exciting news of becoming a Granny, because quite frankly, anything else would seem detached and indifferent, given that becoming a Granny is a life changing event. So yes, I think you are being precious and VVU.

And to the PP who said "It's not her news to share", yes, yes it is! None of my friendship circle have become grandparents yet (but our children are all old enough to make us grandparents), and when it happens, it's going to be HUGE news.

See this just sounds like a massive load of one upmanship. You can win first past the post with all your pals. Huuuuge.

You are calling this traumatised woman very very unreasonable for expecting to be the bearer of her own news and worse, you think that this makes her "precious". You sound like a nightmare.
I feel sorry for your kids.

seven201 · 01/03/2023 17:37

My MIL did the same. That's how DH's best friend found out our news. I was miffed but not really angry.

I sent my line manager a WhatsApp photo of baby just pulled out of c-section covered in goo and she sent that on an all staff email round to about 200 people. That annoyed me more but makes me smile now when I think of it.

CandleRigg89 · 01/03/2023 17:40

No, I think older generations just put up with shit behaviour from their own parents and expect us to do the same. Social media has changed everything. How dare you decide if someone else’s child is exposed to millions of strangers around the world? Do you know the innocent photos that have been found on awful sites on the dark web, all taken from Facebook and Instagram posts?

Older generations still think social media is a fun wee game, and post insanely personal shit with no regard for safety. I don’t care how you’re related to a child - if it’s not your child, not your decision.

LovelyIssues · 01/03/2023 17:42

It wouldn't bother me personally. I don't feel it takes anything away from the parents announcement. Especially if she hadn't tagged either of you

shampooing · 01/03/2023 17:47

slowquickstep · 01/03/2023 15:25

Years ago before SM and the days of the big announcements, BDM events were word of mouth from Granny's, friends, neighbours, the coal man etc and parents didn't get upset, they just excepted the good wishes or kind words expressed. These days it is a minefield, i understand you are upset that a Proud Granny has put a post on her FB page but you have a healthy baby so nothing else matters.

Your last sentence is bullshit. A healthy baby is an amazing outcome but it is not all that matters.

Americano75 · 01/03/2023 17:49

You are not being unreasonable, after everything you'd been through it must have been especially aggravating. It really does sound like it's all tied up with the trauma of the birth to be honest.

BeachBlondey · 01/03/2023 17:51

I have to LOL at people going on about baby's digital footprint, and no photos on SM.

Presumably you won't be shoving a tablet into their mitts, in a few years time, when you want peace at the dinner table? (which I disagree with actually, and yet I see it time and time again), and presumably your child will be the only teenager without a phone or SM?

MIL's are so vilified on here....until they are needed to babysit, of course.

Minimalme · 01/03/2023 17:57

She shouldn't have done it but it is really insignificant in the scheme of things (as is she).

You have survived a traumatic experience and should spend any energy left on feeling so, so proud.

Just focus on yourself and your lovely baby. The love and joy of raising your hard fought for child is all yours. She got a Facebook announcement.

oosha · 01/03/2023 17:57

I would personally be extremely pissed off and let her know. Who does that shit? Honestly that’s taking the piss and no one I know would think that was reasonable.

Divorcedalongtime · 01/03/2023 18:01

Mine didn’t do this buuuut she insisted she come by after my DS1 had just been born and taken to NICU without me even seeing him first.
I hadn’t even showered or been checked for tearing and my MIL was crying and wanted me and her son to comfort her. I have never forgiven her for this and my DS1 is 17 now.

Calphurnia88 · 01/03/2023 18:01

BeachBlondey · 01/03/2023 17:51

I have to LOL at people going on about baby's digital footprint, and no photos on SM.

Presumably you won't be shoving a tablet into their mitts, in a few years time, when you want peace at the dinner table? (which I disagree with actually, and yet I see it time and time again), and presumably your child will be the only teenager without a phone or SM?

MIL's are so vilified on here....until they are needed to babysit, of course.

Tell me you don't understand technlogy without telling me you don't understand technology.

Blah blah free childcare blah blah. Any more disgruntled granny clichés to throw in?

Mandyjack · 01/03/2023 18:01

I'm a new Nan and can understand her eagerness to announce to the world the birth of her grandchild.
I think maybe she didn't get the etiquette of not announcing it to the world before you did yourself.
Our daughter had a baby and we waited for them to make an announcement which was over a week I think. Also no photos went on social media until about 5wks so we also couldn't post any photos.
We respected that it was their news and not ours so they should be the 1st to post.
I think maybe it would've been best at the time for her son to explain to her you both wanted to do it yourselves then move on.

Mimacris · 01/03/2023 18:03

It definitely wasn’t her news to share, let alone with a photo. But it’s done …. this time … Maybe you need to have a conversation about future “family news” - however exciting and request politely that she doesn’t do it again. This will hopefully make her reflect and realise her faux pas without direct confrontation.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 01/03/2023 18:03

Etiquette with birth announcements is you keep your mouth shut until the parents have announced. I don't care if its your grandchild, niece/nephew, sibling or whatever relationship you say NOTHING on a public forum until the parents have announced or given permission for you to post. I'd be upset too but sadly there's nothing you can do other than making sure if you do go on to have other children that she knows not to do it again. I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic birth with your DC, all births are different so if you feel you would like more in future don't let this experience put you off. Speak to your medical team though so they are aware of your history and can best help you have a better experience next time x

Mandyjack · 01/03/2023 18:04

Grumpynewmum23 · 01/03/2023 12:13

@Chickenly yeah in the grand scheme of things it really isn't, that's why I feel a bit unreasonable being so annoyed and want to get over it!

When he sent out the photo did he say to anyone that nobody was to post on social media?

Mandyjack · 01/03/2023 18:08

BeachBlondey · 01/03/2023 17:51

I have to LOL at people going on about baby's digital footprint, and no photos on SM.

Presumably you won't be shoving a tablet into their mitts, in a few years time, when you want peace at the dinner table? (which I disagree with actually, and yet I see it time and time again), and presumably your child will be the only teenager without a phone or SM?

MIL's are so vilified on here....until they are needed to babysit, of course.

It's a major pet hate of mine too. Kids have no social skills if all they do is sit at a table with an ipad under their nose. We went out recently and the kids on our table had some video on repeat with music which was annoying. They didn't speak at all as were transfixed by what they were watching.

phoenixrosehere · 01/03/2023 18:09

slowquickstep · 01/03/2023 17:24

Do you really think Mums aren't aware of what their Daughters have gone through ? I for one was a mess when my "child" was in labour, i cried with relief when she made it through alive. Every Grandmother is well aware what a new mum has gone through, maybe we are less aware about how mega important it is to the younger generation that they get to a make a post on SM first.

Show quote history

Where did I say that? I said many grandparents (not all), didn’t say what side or even just mums, those are your words that you have added and how you chose to interpret what I wrote.

I know my own mum wouldn’t announce it regardless of social media nor would my in-laws because rightly it is the parents that are to do so if and when they choose. My dad however would need explicit instructions not to say things (he is a massive gossip) so wouldn’t be told first anyway.

It’s basic respect and manners.

Poppingmad123 · 01/03/2023 18:11

I think you have to expect this when you share pictures and don’t explicitly tell other people not to share. It’s annoying yes but not worth wasting your energy on. Just post your pics as you intended and ignore your MILs. A good lesson when sharing future pics. And congratulations - enjoy your baby x

CandleRigg89 · 01/03/2023 18:12

BeachBlondey · 01/03/2023 17:51

I have to LOL at people going on about baby's digital footprint, and no photos on SM.

Presumably you won't be shoving a tablet into their mitts, in a few years time, when you want peace at the dinner table? (which I disagree with actually, and yet I see it time and time again), and presumably your child will be the only teenager without a phone or SM?

MIL's are so vilified on here....until they are needed to babysit, of course.

Found the MIL who did this exact thing 😂

saraclara · 01/03/2023 18:18

MeridianB · 01/03/2023 16:06

The safe arrival of my first grandchild unleashed emotions that I totally didn't expect. There's something really primal that kicks in. I was proud, relieved, and just blown away with emotion. I barely know what to do with myself!

Which is understandable. But surely you also cared about the baby's mother, and what she had just been through, and the fact that any unleashing of emotions could wait a few days or hours to check she was OK?

Well yes. As I said in my post, the MIL in the OP was entirely wrong not to wait. I was addressing the OP who wrote what I quoted in that post who was rolling her eyes at any grandparent wanting to share the news AT ALL.

creativelady22 · 01/03/2023 18:20

Just had to comment here. I would be exceptionally upset by this, you are not being unreasonable. Yes it might just be social media and she might be excited but this is your news to share, and its major. She had no business posting a photo like this. I hope you can move on from the birth trauma (its not easy, I know) and you'll forgive her in time. Maybe let her know how you feel in time and I am sure she will be upset to know she hurt you... please don't feel you are unreasonable in your feelings :-)

WiIson · 01/03/2023 18:20

She shouldn't have done that. I get why she was excited, first grandchild etc, but it's your time and your news.