I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

It's not good etiquette but I think times - and desire for privacy on SM) have changed a lot in the last ten years or so; older people might not realIse this.

And what's done is done. She won't get the first photo of your next baby!

Plus, f she didn't tag either parent, only her family and her own friends will have seen it, so you still got to announce it to all your own friends and family on your side.

YANBU but ultimately you’ll never be able to undo it or go back in time. You can only focus on the things that you can control, so while you may be irritated, the only thing you can control in this scenario is your ability to move forward and let go of any residual anger

This would have really upset me, but then nobody is allowed to post pictures of my child on social media and he's six.

I would ask my husband to talk to his mum about it in this situation, especially if you are planning on another baby as it could happen again.

Bloody Social media!
She probably didn’t think, and assumed everyone knew?
How come she didn’t know you were pregnant?
Do you not see her often?

No one really minds about new baby announcements unless it’s a close friend or family- MIL was probably surprised!

Social media can cause problems though.

Could you come off Facebook so you are not reminded of this incident everytime you go on Facebook? You will also experience the delight of not being on Facebook any more

Tbh I don't understand why people feel the need to share other people's news on Facebook. You've just had your first grandchild come into the world, and you're thinking "better make sure all the people I've not spoken to in years know about this via Facebook"? Weird, and smacks of making everything about yourself.

My child has never been posted online, and we're keeping it that way until they're of an age to decide for themselves. So this is another element that would annoy me if someone took it upon themselves to post a photo of my newborn.

Another thing for me is that even though my delivery was basically fine, I was bloody exhausted. I wanted to be able to tell people my news individually in my own time and share details as and when I felt ready. I didn't want a hundred messages from Facebook friends to wade through. Obviously grandparents on both sides spread the news to aunties uncles and the wider family, but that's it.

If my birth was traumatic, I can only imagine I'd feel the same but times ten.

This.

Such a palaver over nothing. My then husband sent a blanket text to everyone on my phone contact list, including the guy I phoned once about replacing the bathroom🙄. He was excited, big deal. You're fine, the baby is fine, move on.

It’s okay to be annoyed. It will pass. My cousin did the same thing and she is a lovely person, just a little naive and very excited and there was no malice behind it. I didnt think to ask her not to as I too thought it was obvious but it isn’t to everyone. We’re all different.

She’s taken a private picture of your new child, the birth of which was entirely traumatic - physically and mentally - and posted it to garner attention for herself, entirely excluding you and your experience from it.

I’d be furious, too. It’s thoughtless at best, calculated at worst.

What’s your relationship like with her usually?

Plus, if she didn't tag either parent, only her family and her own friends will have seen it, so you still got to announce it to all your own friends and family on your side.

If both families are local they can overlap. My friend's MIL did this and it meant her auntie found out via a generic FB update that she had had the baby. They're a close knit family, but she had wanted a few hours to recover from a traumatic birth before letting family outside of parents knows. She was really disappointed that her auntie found out this way.

I’m afraid that would have instantly activated my punch-in-the-face reflex.

That's awful!

I wonder if the reason you feel so irrationally angry about it is because of your appalling birth experience?

It sounds as though you had a really awful time. I'm guessing that, when you were planning for and looking forward to the birth of your first child, you never envisaged anything like that happening, so you had your birth plans ruined, too.
That might account for your feelings of anger and disappointment and I think you're maybe channelling all those feelings into your MIL's thoughtless actions.

It wasn't MIL's news to tell and it wasn't good that she stole your thunder in that way, but at least you know now that you can't trust her to keep these things to herself.

If it is a one-off, then I'd let it go for the sake of harmony. If not, she needs to be told to back off by your DH.

It's so annoying. My husbands cousin wrote a congratulations on our Facebook wall and I hadn't told any of my friends. So that was a nice way for them to find out!

Dreadful🤬 stealing your thunder making it all about her🤬
I wouldn't say anything but I would never trust her with any information ever again, I might feed her missinformation at times... just because

Well, the thing is, she wasn’t really ‘fine’ when the MIL posted this. She was in shock and refusing to hold and feed her baby, and she had had a PPH.

Exactly! And still needing psychological support three months on. No one should be announcing births anywhere, FB or group chats or at the garden gate, until mothers feel up to it. MIL’s announcement just sort of breezes over OP’s state as if a healthy baby is all that matters: but healthy mothers matter too.

I’d be fuming! I feel so bad for you!

Similar (ish but not half as bad happened to us!)
Our DC got into a specialist uni, years of hard work, planning etc etc. Literally moments after DC started to tell our families my sister posted a gushing SM post all about “my niece”
DC had not posted anything and was still going around telling family so not everyone found out from DC but from this bloody post!
I was fuming and told her to remove it which she did.
I would ask your mil to remove it too.
Bloody crazy families!

I honestly can't see what she's done that's so wrong? She didn't tell any of your friends, and she didn't tag you in her post. She merely told her own friends that her Grandchild had arrived safe and well. She will have been super excited.

What's the alternative? Do you want her to hand you her address book, and ask you to personally call all of her friends? Would you prefer it, if you found out that she didn't bother to tell any of her friends? I bet you'd then be moaning that "MIL hasn't told anyone she became a Granny <sad face>"

I had my children before social media existed, and I have no idea who MIL spoke to about her Grandchildren being born. It didn't even cross my mind. She's dead now, but I really hope she was calling every Tom, Dick and Harry with her exciting news of becoming a Granny, because quite frankly, anything else would seem detached and indifferent, given that becoming a Granny is a life changing event. So yes, I think you are being precious and VVU.

And to the PP who said "It's not her news to share", yes, yes it is! None of my friendship circle have become grandparents yet (but our children are all old enough to make us grandparents), and when it happens, it's going to be HUGE news.

OP, your MIL was rude, but this really isn't worth still being annoyed about three months later.

I haven't read all of the replies but recognise your feelings, give yourself permission to feel them and not with the background of 'no harm done'.. 'best intentions'.. you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters'.. 'no big deal'.. and if that is not enough, seek out someone who can help, EFT or 3 Step Rewind might be appropriate in this case.

In the days before FB my mother phoned all my relatives and several of my friends to tell them, so when my DH phoned them they already knew. Telling people before the parents are ready to make an announcement is a shitty, selfish, glory hunting, thing to do and I’m with you, OP, it still gives me the rage 14 years on. I don’t tell my mother anything now, not until I’m ready for it to be broadcast.

On WhatsApp you can send messages that are one view only, and they can’t be screenshotted. I would send everything like this from now on, and when she complains just tell her it’s because you don’t trust her to keep things private.

I actually wouldn't forgive this. After DC1's birth MIL said to DH to send her a picture so she could share with all her friends and he said no to the sharing. She said she might not be able to help herself so he said in that case no photo until you can. We were waiting to see that all was well (thankfully it was) and made it clear that we didn't want any announcements going out though, and we don't post DC photo on social media, nor allow friends or nursery to do so.

Sorry for your birth experience OP and especially that the counsellor invalidated your feelings. Take your time. I'd speak to MIL calmly with DH because her reaction may actually help you move on. Or not and then you'll know what she's like.