I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

☝👏👏

I see your update says you'd have like to have been tagged in the post. Kindly, honestly, MIL can't win in this situation. If she would have tagged you your MN post would have been how you were raging because MIL posted on FB and tagged you in it so all your friends got to see her post before yours. I honestly couldn't get wound up about a social media post, but we all have different levels of what we've been through in life therefore what we class as an issue versus a complete and utter non issue.

Hey I'm with you and I've had children much more recently. I read threads like this and I conclude that social media has had a corrosive effect on people's judgement and perspective. On the one hand it's 'hey look at me' on the other it's 'but I want to control my story' (as if one is a character in a book or film). I think if you live by the Facebook sword you die by the Facebook sword. Just don't engage with or worry about that shit and life gets a lot easier. Focus on the actual people in your actual life, build good relationships- which will occasionally involve messiness and disappointment because everyone is not there to serve our perspective - and chill out. It's another baby, one of millions, special to you and yours but otherwise not.

Speak for yourself, I have a wonderful MIL.

I agree with this 💯

MN is so odd compared to real life when it comes to babies, MILs and so on. Baffles the fuck out of me.

And to think that 83% of people think that OP is not being unreasonable??!

Hey @Arebella yeah I acknowledge (qnd acknowledged!) that I think she can't win either and I reckon I am being unreasonable and really this issue is scapegoat for larger things at play.😓thanks for the feedback though x

The gaslighting on this thread is unreal.

OP, don't let others minimise your feelings. Don't let it fester either, because holding a grudge about something that is done and can't be undone isn't healthy either.

But you can bet your life that half the women on here telling you you're being unreasonable would have been beyond furious if social media had existed when their kids were born and someone else had done this to them.

I'm 37 and although I use social media (and announced my own baby's birth on Facebook), I feel like we are the generation who embraced social media when it was brand new and are a bit more wary of it now. I joined Facebook back when it was only for university students and you could only sign up if your university was participating. Almost everyone's profile was completely open, you added people as friends after meeting them once on a night out, stalking strangers' profiles was considered completely normal, as was uploading albums with loads of pictures of your friends off their faces after a night out. We used to live out our lives on Facebook, and now I post once a month if that, and many of my friends never post at all anymore.

The MIL/baby boomer generation discovered social media long after we did and many of them are still in that first stage of thinking that oversharing of personal information is great fun, and not thinking about the potential consequences. They're still enjoying that dopamine hit from every like.

They had their babies a generation ago. They got to pick their own children's names, announce their births and all that. Now they've forgotten what it's like for the mother, how exciting and scary and traumatic and emotional it can all be. And they're maybe a bit jealous that social media didn't exist when their kids were born and they didn't get to post pictures of their baby on the internet for likes, so they're all playing the cutest grandchild competition instead.

My mum and her friends and relatives are all falling over themselves to post pictures of their grandchildren on the internet. Mine frequently posts pictures I'd rather would remain private, or just posts too many. It's an ongoing issue but I know she is just excited and proud, and the best I can do is have a word with her occasionally and keep an eye on her privacy settings. But even she understood that you don't announce your grandchild's birth before the parents have given you permission to do so.

My dad and in laws aren't on social media at all, thank God, so at least I only have one proud grandparent to try and rein in.

Please let it go. Older people don't always know the etiquette of social media. I am a mother in law and would be mortified if I inadvertently offended my family.

I agree with all of this.

I post very little nowadays, and thankfully our families have little to no interest in social media, but I despair at some of the information others share online, especially regarding their children or grandchildren. I think a huge backlash is on its way.

@RosaBonheur gaslighting though? You sure you don't just mean a difference of opinion, which is what MN is for. People asking for opinions, and people giving their opinions!

Telling the OP she is being unreasonable for feeling upset that her mother in law announced her baby's birth on Facebook absolutely is gaslighting, yes.

Those dismissing the MIL’s behaviour here or claiming that OP is just part of an attention-seeking social media generation (when it’s not her who was posting on social media!): if your DIL was still in hospital after a traumatic birth having not held or fed her own baby yet, would your instinct be “post on Facebook!” or “ask son if DIL is OK and do they need anything?”

A new baby is still a new baby whether it’s an hour or a week old – why not let mothers take a breath after the marathon of pregnancy and birth before running to Facebook? Once again it comes back to thinking only of the baby, not the woman who created it – often at the expense of her mental and physical health.

I would be livid too - but it sounds like you've been through enough trauma and feeling so resentful only makes you feel worse. So, maybe mention it to her with DH present. (from a good place) say that you understand her excitement - but that it wasn't her news to share and that you and your husband would have liked to have been the ones to have broken the news - especially in your weakened state and after such a traumatic birth. The most important thing is CONGRATULATIONS you have a healthy child, you got through what sounds like quite and ordeal and you are here and fit and well and all have something wonderful to celebrate. Well done you. Rebuild that bond with your MIL and let her make it up to you by being a wonderful Grandmother and great support to all of you. Good luck.

But this isn’t about OP’s MiL stealing her thunder because OP wanted to make a big social media announcement about the second coming of Christ. She’s made that clear. She says she and her DP were unsure about whether to post anything at all. It’s about posting a photo that OP herself hadn’t even seen on Facebook, without asking the OP, without acknowledging the OP, while OP was still lying butchered in a hospital bed from a very traumatic birth.

It’s about respecting other people’s privacy and control.

I can’t imagine feeling entitled to post a picture of someone else’s child on the internet without checking with them first. I don’t do it with my children’s friends or my nieces and nephews.

As another posters have said, some members of the boomer generation are only just getting addicted to social media and craving ‘likes’ and attention without thinking about privacy - like millennials did in 2005.

One of my closest friends at the time did this to me. We had messaged maybe 5 or 6 close friends and family and sent them a picture. About an hour or so later, went to announce on Facebook for more distant relatives and she'd put a picture and announced. Didn't even tag me! Things were never quite the same after and even though we still talk, we're nowhere near as close after. I've still never really gotten over it and I've had 2 kids since (that I didn't tell her about till after others!)

This is the irony isn’t it?! OP isn’t the one who couldn’t hold back from posting on FB, yet she’s the one who’s apparently a spiteful attention-seeking social media-obsessed narcissist. And the person whose first thought was to post a photo on social media before their DIL has even been discharged from hospital after what sounds like an extremely traumatic birth is just a proud granny.

It’s one of those once in a lifetime pieces of news that you really want to broadcast yourself. I’m so sorry for you I’d be hopping too…Can you ask her to take the post down? And perhaps send out an announcement card to friends and family through the post it’s a really nice way to share the news more personally

My in-laws came into the birth room moments after I had given birth when there was still blood on the floor and we were trying to do golden hour. This was after my dp had specified that my mum was not allowed to be there for the birth. I’m continuously infuriated by them and their lack of boundaries but for my own peace of mind I try to rise above it and let it go. Really hard though and trying to establish more boundaries now.

Shes posted in AIBU.....so she can't be told she's being U because that's gaslighting? No, it's an opinion.

She is quite obviously not being even remotely unreasonable.

Those telling her she is are trying to make her believe that her feelings don't matter and she doesn't get to have any boundaries.

Wtf is wrong with some of you?

OP opens her thread with:

I am certain AIBU here but

Some people reply YANBU
Some people reply YABU

Neither are gaslighting FFS. She's asked for opinions, because that's what Mumsnet is for.

@RosaBonheur that's a spectacular but of ageism in your long post.

If anything, those of us who are boomers had MORE interference from parents, because there was this whole 'respecting your elders' thing that was taken too far. Insistence on using family names, our own parents thinking they could dictate our decisions....
Seriously, you have no idea. I relish the freedoms my own children have, compared to me.

With regard to social media, it's really down to the pregnant/new parents to make it clear what they want to happen when the baby is born. There are lots of things that newer technology has to make us have plans for. For instance, at my husband's funeral, in my grief, I got obsessed with the idea that someone's phone might ring. It sounds daft now, but I asked the funeral director to ask people to turn off their phones as they arrived.

So yes, make your wishes clear ahead of time. "It might take us a while to make the baby announcement, so please don't put anything on social media until we let you know that we're ready"

Im wondering what is wrong with you actually. Not everyone has to have the same opinion as you, not everyone has to have the same opinion as op.

She asked if she was being unreasonable, some said yes, some said no.

I said yes, simply because the MIL posted to HER facebook to HER friends, she didnt even tag op or her dh and this was after a photo had been sent and the birth had been announce to the family. I see absolutely no issue with a proud Grandmother telling HER friends that her grandchild had been born.

That is not gaslighting.

And yes the ageism is disgusting in that stupidly long waffly post.

So if your MIL posted YOUR personal information that you hadn't yet shared with YOUR friends and family on HER Facebook and shared it with HER friends who you don't even know, that would be fine by you, would it?

Aye, like hell it would.