Page 16 | I need to get over MIL announcing birth

Grumpynewmum23 · 2023-03-01T12:03:35+00:00

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed. For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning). Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby). I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all. At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off. Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative. Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?! Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

Calphurnia88 · 02/03/2023 11:25

QueenCamilla · 01/03/2023 21:03

Count me surprised at how the vote has gone.

The social media really has fried everyone's brains.

I'd get angry if my other half was pulling this sort of puerile drama at an already stressful time.

How many years would you "rage" OP if your own mum had stepped on your prissy toes? 🤔

This isn't a particularly pleasant post, is it @QueenCamilla ?

Calphurnia88 · 02/03/2023 11:25

QueenCamilla · 02/03/2023 11:23

Mumsnet clearly is anti-social media. Gives a nice hawks-view of the strange world of Facebook. I've never had much in common with the "Facebook People" and this confirms why.

I have something I'd like to say for fun and it involves Tinder, but I can't. Will get deleted by the mob anyway.

Have fun hating on your husband's mums! 💐🌞

Or this.

Perhaps take some of your own advice?

QueenCamilla · 02/03/2023 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Calphurnia88 · 02/03/2023 11:31

Have fun hating on your husband's mums!

And we've finally got to the nub of it.

Get a hobby.

Original poster

Grumpynewmum23 · 02/03/2023 11:34

Guys I think we're digressing!

Ultimately some helpful pp have helped me unpack and rationalise this and get to a point where I feel able to move on and continue having a generally positive relationship with my MIL (I by no means hate her and never said I did!!).

Can't thank those enough who have helpfully given thoughts and advice - feel so much more peaceful now ☺

OP posts:

QueenCamilla · 02/03/2023 11:36

@Calphurnia88

Jesus! One doesn't have to be "pleasant at all times!"
Fancy me pulling this thread apart for nastiness?

Whilst you at it pontificating - care to elaborate at the particularly unpleasant words/sentiments of my posts? Or is it that I'm not allowed to disagree?
I'm disagreeing based on the fact of many posts here being prissy and puerile. It's the BASIS on me disagreeing.
I'm not swearing or anything - I'm using acceptable language to describe my opinion. How am I to object if the words to describe are taken away?

"Be Nice" = shut up and nod.

Dreamstate · 02/03/2023 11:36

TBH I think people need to be more careful now a days. If its not your kid you should check in with the parents before posting pics up on socials.

I would never dream of posting pics of my nephews on my socials even if they are set to private without checking with my sister. She incidentally doesn't post anything on her's so I've taken that as a cue that she doesn't want her kids on socials until they are old enough to decide.

Its pretty crap what your MIL did, but I think its one to just move on from and put something in place about photos being shared and where

OnceTwiceThreeTimesATheybe · 02/03/2023 11:37

Count yourself lucky op. When my baby's name was announced on Facebook, without my knowledge or permission, not only did they put a picture of baby covered in my blood (and we don't put children's pictures online for the reasons mentioned previously) she also put a similar but incorrect name up that wasn't my actual child's name. (Think Finley not Finnian!)

And yes, yanbu, despite the people with disregard for boundaries and safeguarding saying you are.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/03/2023 11:38

Maybe you can look at it in such a way as she didn't tag you so you could announce your news to your friends and family, whilst still announcing her news (and having a GC is her news) to her friends.

QueenCamilla · 02/03/2023 11:41

Dreamstate · 02/03/2023 11:36

TBH I think people need to be more careful now a days. If its not your kid you should check in with the parents before posting pics up on socials.

I would never dream of posting pics of my nephews on my socials even if they are set to private without checking with my sister. She incidentally doesn't post anything on her's so I've taken that as a cue that she doesn't want her kids on socials until they are old enough to decide.

Its pretty crap what your MIL did, but I think its one to just move on from and put something in place about photos being shared and where

And I'm in agreement with this very reasonable post.

It's just the nasties that make me prick up. I'll get reported for "prick up" in a minute 😂

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 02/03/2023 11:41

It’s not good form but really something you need to let go. In the grand scheme of things it was nothing other than thoughtlessness and not worth the energy of holding onto negativity. If you were a celebrity and it had hampered a Hello magazine deal for example then I’d understand still holding on to the anger.

Try and move on. Congratulations btw!

Original poster

Grumpynewmum23 · 02/03/2023 11:43

@OnceTwiceThreeTimesATheybe bless you ❤

Incidentally, ours was covered in blood too alongside all baby's facial injuries from the rough instrumental birth...☹

OP posts:

Anklespraying · 02/03/2023 12:11

What is "dark basement behaviour"?

Someone has completely lost the plot.

BigFeelingsMoment · 02/03/2023 12:23

Grumpynewmum23 · 02/03/2023 11:43

@OnceTwiceThreeTimesATheybe bless you ❤

Incidentally, ours was covered in blood too alongside all baby's facial injuries from the rough instrumental birth...☹

The choice of a photo that was perhaps more indicative of the trauma than you might have chosen was probably also quite triggering for you. Well done for unpacking this whole thing, I hope you have some peace now.

LemonPeonies · 02/03/2023 12:28

@saraclara But you didn't grow or birth that grandchild did you? Your DD/ DIL did. So you don't take the credit. Just be happy mum and baby are alive and healthy.

WhatALlama2 · 02/03/2023 12:37

My FIL did this! At first I was a bit annoyed but I understood he was just so excited about it and as he didn't tag us in the post it meant only close family saw it. I was still able to share it with all my friends on my own time so hopefully you'll be able to do the same. I do understand the feeling OP but probably not worth worrying about too much. Congratulations on you little one :)

T1Dmama · 02/03/2023 13:29

QueenCamilla · 02/03/2023 00:22

I've never sent or received A new baby card.
Neither I announced the birth of my son to a bunch of people on social media.

It is very apparent that I have been missing out on a whole bunch of amateur dramatics. Though I think my life will have to get quite a bit more boring before I join the pass-time.

Nope, I don't get the "problem" and yes, I despair at the women-think. Definitely women-think. I'm sure my DH would burst with pride at FIL eagerly announcing: The Grandson is born!
And I wouldn't mind.

Maybe I need therapy to find a way to get wound up by this.

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It’s not always about the fact someone else has announced…. It’s about the fact that as a new parent you want to tell certain people first!…. After my baby was born, I wanted to make sure my 90 year old nan knew before it was announced to people I didn’t know or hasn’t seen for 20 years… it’s really not hard to understand that close family members won’t want to see it on Facebook and realise 100 people had already commented before they’d even seen the news.
My friend lost her dad, before the body was even taken out of the house and her and her sister were trying to deal with it all, a neighbour put a condolence message on their dads Facebook page..it’s just awful!… his 2 daughters started getting messages and they were then forced to make calls when they weren’t yet ready to, to their fathers siblings, grandchildren etc who shouldn’t learn about the death through Facebook!
i’ve had this done to me too when my daughter was very ill in hospital and someone shared a very personal and distressing picture of my DD on Facebook despite me stating I didn’t want anything about it put on Facebook… I find other people making announcements about someone else before they have, very disrespectful…
I waited till my brother and his wife announced the birth of their children, then I put a post up saying how proud I was of my beautiful SIL & congratulating them.. wouldn’t dream of ever posting other peoples news before they had.

saraclara · 02/03/2023 13:39

LemonPeonies · 02/03/2023 12:28

@saraclara But you didn't grow or birth that grandchild did you? Your DD/ DIL did. So you don't take the credit. Just be happy mum and baby are alive and healthy.

Take the credit? What about my post indicated that I thought I should have the credit for the new arrival?

Grandparents share the news with their friends (at the right point) just as they share any other good news! Second to having one's own children, it's the best kind of news, and those of us of grandparent age are always pleased to hear of new arrivals and safe deliveries for the mum. Because we know how special it is, and we know the worry that we go through when our DDs (and hopefully DDiLs) are pregnant/in labour (but which we try to hide from them).

In fairness, I didn't get it when I was a new mum either. Grandparenthood didn't seem like anything special to me then, either (though the look on my dad's face when he held his first grandchild is something I'll always remember.

But yes, just as you don't know what it's like to be a mum until you are one, same applies with GPhood.

Katypp · 02/03/2023 13:47

bussteward · 02/03/2023 08:36

Those dismissing the MIL’s behaviour here or claiming that OP is just part of an attention-seeking social media generation (when it’s not her who was posting on social media!): if your DIL was still in hospital after a traumatic birth having not held or fed her own baby yet, would your instinct be “post on Facebook!” or “ask son if DIL is OK and do they need anything?”

A new baby is still a new baby whether it’s an hour or a week old – why not let mothers take a breath after the marathon of pregnancy and birth before running to Facebook? Once again it comes back to thinking only of the baby, not the woman who created it – often at the expense of her mental and physical health.

You see this is something else that I think is a relatively recent phenomena - the expectation that society must bow at the feet of new mothers and entertain their every whim.
I am one of the much-maligned old people on here (although I do manage to hold down a job in tech - go me!) but I honestly don't remember this requirement to acknowledge the new mum to be special and be regarded as on a higher plain because they have given birth. As a pp said, millions of babies are born every year. It's very special for the parents and immediate family, probably not that interesting to wider family and friends and definitely not at all interesting to everyone else.
I stand by my opinion that a lot of pps on here are annoyed because they missed their big moment, hence the apparent micromanaging of when the big announcement could be made to a lot of people who - to be frank - are not waiting on tenterhooks for the news.

Anklespraying · 02/03/2023 14:10

You must be in the wrong place @Katypp

You are on a website called mumsnet

Katypp · 02/03/2023 14:40

@Anklespraying Explain? I am a mum.

BigFeelingsMoment · 02/03/2023 15:15

Katypp · 02/03/2023 13:47

You see this is something else that I think is a relatively recent phenomena - the expectation that society must bow at the feet of new mothers and entertain their every whim.
I am one of the much-maligned old people on here (although I do manage to hold down a job in tech - go me!) but I honestly don't remember this requirement to acknowledge the new mum to be special and be regarded as on a higher plain because they have given birth. As a pp said, millions of babies are born every year. It's very special for the parents and immediate family, probably not that interesting to wider family and friends and definitely not at all interesting to everyone else.
I stand by my opinion that a lot of pps on here are annoyed because they missed their big moment, hence the apparent micromanaging of when the big announcement could be made to a lot of people who - to be frank - are not waiting on tenterhooks for the news.

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“Definitely not at all interesting to anyone else.”

This is a mumsnet cliche. Actually I was amazed and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, cards, gifts, kindness and general joy that greeted the birth of my DC. People you wouldn’t think of were so lovely.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/03/2023 15:20

Katypp · 02/03/2023 13:47

You see this is something else that I think is a relatively recent phenomena - the expectation that society must bow at the feet of new mothers and entertain their every whim.
I am one of the much-maligned old people on here (although I do manage to hold down a job in tech - go me!) but I honestly don't remember this requirement to acknowledge the new mum to be special and be regarded as on a higher plain because they have given birth. As a pp said, millions of babies are born every year. It's very special for the parents and immediate family, probably not that interesting to wider family and friends and definitely not at all interesting to everyone else.
I stand by my opinion that a lot of pps on here are annoyed because they missed their big moment, hence the apparent micromanaging of when the big announcement could be made to a lot of people who - to be frank - are not waiting on tenterhooks for the news.

Show quote history

I agree completely with you and I am possibly younger (late 40s). I do remember the moderate degree of attention around my having had my children , not generated by me necessarily, but just the normal range of good wishes, goodwill, visits etc and I do remember thinking 'gosh, someone could let this go their head'. It is probably one of the few times in your life when you are naturally kind of centred and I think some people really enjoy that, want more of it and the ability to micromanage, almost curate the big announcement ( regardless of the level of real interest in said announcement) is all part of that. Throw in social media, designed to make narcissists of us all, and you have some of the perspectives on here. I actually don't include the OP in this necessarily, she seems pretty grounded and self aware but some people's perspectives are very odd to me and seem more designed to create a lonely real life even if a perfectly curated on-line life

RosaBonheur · 02/03/2023 15:37

Katypp · 02/03/2023 13:47

You see this is something else that I think is a relatively recent phenomena - the expectation that society must bow at the feet of new mothers and entertain their every whim.
I am one of the much-maligned old people on here (although I do manage to hold down a job in tech - go me!) but I honestly don't remember this requirement to acknowledge the new mum to be special and be regarded as on a higher plain because they have given birth. As a pp said, millions of babies are born every year. It's very special for the parents and immediate family, probably not that interesting to wider family and friends and definitely not at all interesting to everyone else.
I stand by my opinion that a lot of pps on here are annoyed because they missed their big moment, hence the apparent micromanaging of when the big announcement could be made to a lot of people who - to be frank - are not waiting on tenterhooks for the news.

Show quote history

Jesus Christ, what did I just read?

There is an ocean of clear water between "respecting a new mother's right to decide when, how and with whom her and her child's personal information is shared online" and "bowing at their feet and entertaining their every whim".

Wanting to announce the birth of your own child in the manner in which you see fit, or indeed, preferring not to share this information online at all for many very good reasons posters have outlined in this thread even if it does deprive family members of the chance to use your new baby for social media likes is not a "whim", for goodness sake.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/03/2023 16:04

Yes, this is a fairly recent phenomenon, but as society and technology change, then so must our manners and mores.

Now it is pretty normal to announce your baby’s arrival on social media - it is something many new parents look forward to, and I can see why - for the new mum, who has been all through pregnancy and labour, it’s something to look forward to - and I don’t think someone else, no matter how excited, should co-opt that experience.

Social media requires new manners and guidelines, and one of those is not announcing someone else’s good news for them, without their permission.