I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

It's the joy of social media. It's a hurtful but classic example of someone being so eager to get their new grandchild on Facebook they forgot the person who actually gave birth. Probably no malice meant but I can honestly understand how sensitive you feel to this. I had a mirror like birth experience to yours and I will never forget husband's mother saying to me 24 hours later after birth I never had a belly like that afterwards, oh and take the baby in bath with you ( I couldn't even sit down had third degree tears spit from front to back had to squat to eat meals. We had a house viewing due n she was telling me to clear a walk in cuboared out the people viewing the house would not even see. I was completing a degree and was told I should be home, I was home and told I should be at work though she has not worked since her late thirties.
Honestly my advice to you is tell her how you feel if she's genuine she will see your point of view if not she will claim you are over reacting. Regards the birth you will feel like you again keep going your doing your best and you will feel exhausted with a newborn but you will find your own ways to muddle through. It's exhausting but there are precious moments you will remember forever.

MIL and GC always make a show of them selves

Sounds like it was DP who actually broke the news!

No-one was being malicious. They misread your wishes. But a birth isn't normally restricted information. Sorry you were upset.

Not quite the same, but one of my friends posted wedding photos from my wedding before I did, including one of me in my dress. I wanted to be the first to post my wedding photos. In fairness, I didn’t tell anybody not to so that’s my fault, I just assumed everyone would know not to. However, I knew that she did it out of excitement and celebration for our big day, so I really didn’t get worked up over it. I’m sure your MIL wouldn’t have meant any harm and if she knew that it would’ve upset you so much then she wouldn’t have done it. She was probably just very excited. I don’t think think it’s worth mentioning now but maybe if there’s any other future children etc just make it clear that you don’t want anything posted.

I hope you’re okay and recovering from your birth. I know alot of hospitals offer birth reflections which can help with trauma; maybe something worth looking into if that sounds helpful to you x

I'm not the poster that you were responding to with the post I quoted. I didn't dismiss anyone.

I hate Facebook for exactly this!!
when I had my baby I literally had to text everyone that I told stating please do not write anything on Facebook because I know of others who have been ‘outed’ like this and people were so offended to hear about the birth on FB.
2 years ago my daughter was admitted to hospital ‘SERIOUSLY’ ill, I asked my mum not to post anything about it on Facebook… I never and still haven’t posted about it.. I was so cross when I found out she had shared it with EVERYONE except me!! She knew it was wrong to hide it from me… all she’s done now is abuse my trust…I will literally NEVER tell her anything else… I’ll cope with shit on my own! Disgusting when you can’t tell your own mother something so huge! But my DD almost DIED… and mums posting FKN pictures I shared with only my dearest of her in bed with drips coming out of her literally looking like death. I was so cross!!
Then a friend died and the neighbours obviously found out straight after the daughters arrived and found him and ambulances arrived etc… the neighbour posted on FB & literally no one had been told yet!… his own brother, grandkids, friends etc found out they’d lost a family member on Facebook!!
Your mother in laws behaviour was disgraceful, I’d be disgusted with her and I’d tell her that I was really devastated that she shared YOUR news before you’d managed to tell the people you wanted to know first…. I’d tell her that next time you have a baby she’ll literally be last to know!!

YANBU.
I get people can be excited or like the attention but it’s not their place to decide when and who you want to know about the birth of YOUR child.

I don’t know why people do this, it’s so rude. Sorry it happened to you OP. I agree you need to find a way to be at peace with it, but you have my sympathies. An older relative of mine did similar, I was out of it after a difficult birth, but my Mum saw it and swiftly messaged her to make her take her post down immediately.
I’m surprised none of your relatives told your MIL that it wasn’t her place to make the announcement.

Mother-in-law are ahit aren't they.

It is still annoying you and understandably so. I journal, and you might find it useful to do, too. Get all your thoughts and feelings out on paper, so it's not spinning in your head. Then you can rip up the paper. No one needs to see it. It's a tool I use a lot and useful. My only other suggestion is if you have a second child, ask MiL not to do it again and explain why. Tell her you didn't say anything after she had made the announcement last time as it was done. However, this time, you want to make it yourselves. It's not something I would dream of doing. We are all different, though.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I’m sorry to hear you had a difficult time and I hope you’re feeling much better.

I’d try to assume the best to not spoil in any little way that newborn period: I’d remind myself she’s a proud granny who was bursting with excitement to share your family’s wonderful news.

I also think candour is important here with a mother-in-law so she understands how it made you feel and to minimise the chance of her doing something similar again. It may also help you get it off your chest and move on from it. I know we should expect that people understand the first birth announcement is for parents to make but I am repeatedly taken aback by the lack of etiquette or knowledge of the right thing to do when it comes to social media. I’d probably be more annoyed about being badgered by friends who knew I’d given birth than upset about having not having made the first announcement. I’d explain all this to my MiL.

I've never sent or received A new baby card.
Neither I announced the birth of my son to a bunch of people on social media.

It is very apparent that I have been missing out on a whole bunch of amateur dramatics. Though I think my life will have to get quite a bit more boring before I join the pass-time.

Nope, I don't get the "problem" and yes, I despair at the women-think. Definitely women-think. I'm sure my DH would burst with pride at FIL eagerly announcing: The Grandson is born!
And I wouldn't mind.

Maybe I need therapy to find a way to get wound up by this.

Yeah thanks for your input guys! As I've previously said, everyone's advice/opinions have helped me really clarify what thr real issues are here.

For those siding with MIL and suggesting lack of respect on my behalf..
In our situation it has been opposite 9n quite a few occasions and I still try and orchestrate positive opportunities for us all to interact/be together. I know no one is perfect (including myself, hence why I suspected I probably was being a bit unreadonable!) and I've grown up with really negative 'in law' relationships on both sides and really do not want my child to feel the impact of them like I have at times.

Though even though I've said that Facebook isn't the actual issue here, I suppose my one hang up here contrary to other posters opinions is that I actually would have liked to be tagged or even if she mentioned my DH saying how excited she was.. she usually tags us in all sorts of posts that are totally random, is not old and would expect to be tagged herself. I think it probably also just left me feeling a little bit dismissed as the vessel of delivery for her grandchild. (To be honest, some subsequent behaviour has confirmed these feelings further, unfortunately. I am however chalking a lot of this up to being an excited grandchild parent.. when does the excitement wear off?!)
Think it hit me at a bad time as neither me or grandchild could have potentially made it and so whilst she was excited I think it would have probably been nice to be acknowledged in that excitement. Though completely agree with previous users that I think that this is a situation she probably can't win in, and a situation that I'm not going to win in either by letting myself get hung up on it.

Again, thanks again for everyone's input and points if view..been so much more helpful in giving me tools to move forward than I expected when posting. Xx

Mil was excited about the arrival - I would just accept and get on with life. Far more important things to worry about. It is partially her news also as it’s her grandchild, if it wasn’t for her you wouldn’t have a partner and the child with him. Focus on the important things.

YANBU. My parents did this, complete with sharing some quite private pictures of me holding DS in a hospital bed having got out of theatre a short time before.

I was annoyed but didn’t say anything. It turned out that I should have said something because that inappropriate behaviour continued - with sharing lots of pictures of DS that I’d shared on the family WhatsApp on Facebook without asking, included ones from the bath. Which obviously is not ok.

It all came to a head a while later and I eventually felt I had to ask them not to share any pictures of or information about my family on Facebook because they clearly were unable to tell the difference between material that was private and what was ok to be shared on the internet.

It would have been much better if I’d spoken up and communicated expectations when they first did it - ie please ask before sharing any pictures of DS on social media.

Has she continued doing it?

I suggest counselling, both to deal with your traumatic birth, snd to think through what happened with MIL.

So sorry you had such a traumatic birth. Hope you’re feeling a bit better in yourself now. The feelings are so intense after giving birth and emotions run high. I can see why you’d be upset. 100%. If she knew it would’ve upset you she wouldn’t have done it, I’m sure. I bet she just got so excited. Just be careful you’re not actually angry at yourself for not feeling all gushy like she was at that time (due to trauma). The anger you’re feeling towards her could be a projection of some unresolved trauma/anger around the birth. Sounds like she really loves your baby. Being kind to her will help you heal. It’d be much worse if she didn’t give a shit. Get your partner to quietly mention it one day so at least you’ve got it off your chest. He’ll do that for you hopefully. Then try & let it go. Speaking to a specialist psychotherapist around birth trauma would also help you. Congratulations by the way. ❤️‍🩹

We knew my mil would do this, so put a complete ban on any social media for my baby.

I would have liked to do one announcement post then not post again, but that would have led to pressure for her to post too.

Mil was actively awful, during ivf, losses, pregnancy and post partum period and birth, but expects after that she can use my child like a dolly to show off to her friends and get likes.

I now keep her at arms length.

I think some of the posters here, either have in laws that are normal or are mils themselves, because those falling over themselves to excuse mils behaviour are absolutely wild.

It should be obvious to anyone with a brain that using private family photos and announcing a birth before the mother who actually carried the baby and birthed it gets a chance to do so, is the height of rudeness and bad etiquette.

OP is allowed to be angry and it’s not to late to say something. DH just needs a quiet word with her to say it wasn’t on and please don’t do it in the future.

*too late

Also there maybe a small but vocal minority defending your rude mil here, but your poll tells a different story, a definitive YANBU!

It is NOT partially her news to share first. Another woman had a child that she’s related to. That’s it. When my nephew was born I wouldn’t have dreamed about sharing the need publicly before SIL. She grew him. She gave birth. It was her news, regardless of how the child was related to me.

As the baby becomes a toddler and starts developing separate relationships and the parents allow picture on social media, then fine. But the birth is all about the mother, then the baby. All baby needs is a healthy mum initially. Everyone else is irrelevant until baby grows.

Nope, I don't get the "problem" and yes, I despair at the women-think. Definitely women-think. I'm sure my DH would burst with pride at FIL eagerly announcing: The Grandson is born!

And I wouldn't mind.

Well, we’re all different but if anyone I’m related to announced ‘The Grandson is born!’ as if they were announcing the second coming of Christ I would cringe like there’s no tomorrow.

I honestly find all this angst utterly bizarre. When did this ridiculous possessiveness become a thing? Seriously, if new mums behaved like this in the 1980s/90s there's would think they were mad. Back then, a baby was (with everyone I know anyway - I am sure someone will disagree with me) was very much welcomed into a family, not regarded as 'mine' to be shared only when I deigned to consider it. I always think of a child with a much-coveted new toy who doesn't want to share when I read replies like some of these, which border on spiteful in some cases.

Our FIL did the same and I have never seen my DH so angry or upset. He felt really robbed of the moment of announcing his first child.

And I always wonder whether the empathy gene is missing in some people when I read replies like yours.

Yes but I would equally I would cringe at parents making some big announcement as if their child is the second coming of Christ. I feel as if I've landed on a different planet here. Do people realise that outside of a small circle of immediate family and close friends, no one actually cares? I'm not on social media, I read a thread like this and I feel ever more grateful for that decision. It's like people lose all sense of perspective and see themselves as the lead character in a movie or something. OP, I think you are overthinking this a bit but come across as pretty fair but some of the posts are frankly unhinged. Would people really cut people off or punish them for a 'crime' like this? You must make like very hard for yourself to be this easily wounded and slighted.