I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

I agree. The 'respect' is all one way it seems

I'm so glad for you that you had such lovely MILs. What a shame you can't understand that they're not all like that.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. But equally (if not very much more so) there are many MNers who seem to think the worst, not only of their own MILs, but any who are the subject of a post or OP here.

Sorry you had that experience @Bamboux -that's absolutely awful.

@Bamboux How is it baffling? Pps are getting wound up because someone stole their thunder and they weren't in the spotlight to make their big announcement.

YANBU!! Perhaps your DH could ask her to take it down and say you haven’t decided how much info you want online about baby yet, you’ll keep her posted. That will make the point without being too in your face. Plus it is a valid point and grey area about posting pics of our kids these days.

Your post was completely dismissing the many women like me who have had similar experiences.

When it happened to me, I wasn't on mn. I was totally blindsided and shocked by the way my mil (previously a seemingly normal ish woman) behaved when she became a grandmother.

It was only some time later that I came here and saw so many other women sharing very similar experiences.

It is not universal - there are women like you who are fortunate to have great relationships with your MIL. But you are dismissing and minimising what is in fact a common, and often very upsetting, experience.

It's hard enough learning to be a mum without having that sort of behaviour to deal with.

Because you are ignoring me, and many posters like me, who were upset not because we didn't get to 'announce' on social media ourselves, but because we didn't want anything about our babies on social media at all.

I don't want 'thunder' and never have. I've avoided every single occasion to make myself the centre of attention (no wedding party, no graduation ceremonies, etc. )

I didn't object to my mil posting on social media because I wanted to do it first.

I objected because I didn't want anything about my child shared publicly at all, by anyone.

And your comment about me 'punishing' my in laws by giving my baby my name is just wrong and rude. Women are allowed to have boundaries and we are allowed to have some say over our own lives.

Thank you @WinterDeWinter

I wish I had had mn at the time so I would have felt less alone and totally confused and scared by it all.

YANBU to be upset but it’s fine now and the genie cannot go back in the lamp, next time you have big news you’d like to be the first to share tell her moments before anyone else.
In regards to your birth though please don’t accept that as long as you and baby are here then all is ok, as that’s really not the case and birth trauma can have a long lasting impact on you and your future reproductive choices.
I’m sorry about what you went through it sounds awful and like all women-centred care, negative emotions are minimised and you’re made to feel dramatic as long as you’re all alive. Birth is a journey and something that will stick with you, I’m sorry you don’t feel listened to and are being dismissed, the mental health services and hospital need to do better to help you unpack what you have been through.

*done now, not fine!

The moral of this to the rest of us is don’t tell anyone until you want to tell everyone. Why send snaps to family members first if you are planning some sort of announcement. Just announce it.

Some family members would be upset about not finding out before "Joe public". For us, we needed to tell parents and sibling's first.

@weirdoboelady thank you, i don't think I am but am wanting to get over it and honestly this has helped so much xx

This

I totally get your reaction and you're entitled to feel the way you do

Suspect she was delighted to share the news and didn't properly mind or care that it was your news to share

DP needs to let her know you were disappointed and to allow you to announce similar news first x

My MIL was a attention seeking twat too when it came to the birth of HER GC. Don't worry OP the novelty wears off.
I had a traumatic birth too. She didn't give a shit. Just wanted the likes on FB. It might be worth talking to someone about your birth experience? The frustration may disappear after a while.

FIL posted ds was born on FB before I was even stitched and out of theatre. Not fully forgiven him 6y on 🙃.

(Obviously I have forgiven him, we have a good relationship etc, but yeah its still irritating)

It's noone else's news to share but the parents of the baby! Once they've announced then crack on. So rude to announce it for them no matter how excited people are.

She was wrong but at least she did not tag you. Seems like she knew but just couldn't resist. It's done and can't be undone so don't hold onto negative thoughts. Think about future milestones and social media postings, do you want to lay down any rules now. Move on and enjoy a good relationship. Congratulations and enjoy every moment because it flies by.

Yes, how dare women who ::checks notes:: ah, gave birth to a baby have one iota of attention, thunder and spotlight about their baby, their birth, their announcement. Know your place, women! Back of the line!

It shouldnt be a big deal. Not really sure why granny shouldn't be jumping for joy. I guess you feel that she stole some of your control maybe. Next time, if you have a secret then don't tell people.

Count me surprised at how the vote has gone.

The social media really has fried everyone's brains.

I'd get angry if my other half was pulling this sort of puerile drama at an already stressful time.

How many years would you "rage" OP if your own mum had stepped on your prissy toes? 🤔

Parents announce the births of their children. Parents. Not grandparents.

It's not that complicated.

Do you really think pre social media that grandparents sent out new baby cards or made the first phone calls, and not parents?

Or are you just enjoying a spiteful dig.

This thread reminds me of how nasty my own M gets if I ever react to any of her shitty behaviour, she just gets even worse in retaliation and it gets spread around the family. There's plenty like that here.

Wow. Way to be nasty.

I’m not surprised by the count since it really comes down to not posting or announcing the birth of a baby that is not your own without permission from their parents regardless of relation or closeness. It is not a hardship to ask. For the time it took her to post on SM, she could have asked if it was ok to begin with.