I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

Yep it was shitty and can see why you're annoyed, essentially though it's done now. Just make sure you make clear boundaries going forward and that you have DHs support- I don't like any family members posting photos of DS on social media and they're respectful of that but I did make it clear. Happy to send them loads of photos and I do.

YANBU. something similar happened to me and my mil pushed her way in less than 2 hrs after the delivery even pushing passed a nurse whilst muttering ‘I haven’t come this far to be turned away’ (she drove about 8 miles). The nurse was equally upset and annoyed myself.
It’s v hard to get over especially when your emotions are all over the place. But with the passing of time the upset lessens. I would get your partner to tell her no more photos on social media without your and dh’s permission.

I know, right? Not being taught how to behave and converse at the dinner table....just stare blankly at a cartoon. Makes my blood boil. Also, adults glued to their phones, instead of actually talking to their dinner companions. The world is fucked!! Also (I'm clearly on a roll), adults who ignore their children because they are on the fucking phone. Aargh.

WTF in my post made you think that is how I felt? I was actually terrified while my DD was in labour. I was pacing the floor like an expectant father. I was scared stiff for her and the baby. Just as it turned out my MIL was when I gave birth three decades earlier. She hugged me SO tight afterwards, and said "I'm so relieved you're okay, I was SO worried" and she cared for me and asked after me every bit as much as for the her GC, just as did for my DD I when it was my turn.

Only on MN do GPs see the mother as an incubator. That's not my experience at all, and nor have any of my friends felt that way.

I'm not a MIL yet, thanks. But, I have had two lovely MIL's myself, and can't believe the stuff that younger DIL's seem to get wound up about. There appears to be no love, or understanding for MIL's on here. It's just a shame.

Dear God! I haven’t read all 11 pages (sorry) but what an absolute cow to do this! How very dare she?! I hope you’re feeling much better after your very traumatic birth 💐

It is annoying but it is best to put it behind you as it will eat you up if you don't. We swore MIL to secretcy as I had older children from a previous marriage, I didn't want to tell them too early but we told her as her first GC was a big deal for her.

Well she was unwell and taken into hospital. A friend of hers phoned me to pass on a message, I think it was MIL asking us to take something to hospital that night, and friend congratulated me on pregnancy. I thanked her and moved on. I wasn't that bothered as there wasn't really a way her friend would meet up with my children to tell them but it was yet another one of those things she just did. DH was incandescent but it was him that was suffering, she wasn't bothered. So we decided to laugh at how daft she was and how we had caught her out. She didn't like being laughed at, sometimes laughter is the best medicine.

Hope you are enjoying being a mum, it is such a lovely (exhausting) time.

My mum and dad announced our firstborn before we did. I don’t think they realised we’d not posted yet and we’re just so excited for their first grandchild. There was nothing malicious about it. I was a bit miffed but I’m the grand scale of things it’s a minor annoyance rather than a life altering situation

Well id say the lesson here is not to share anything that you don't want sharing onwards.
She was obviously in the wrong but TBH unless you are royalty, does it really matter?

YANBU but let husband deal with MIL and just be less inclined to send her pics/milestones unless she agrees that these aren’t to go on SM

I didn't share any pictures. Just the sex and name. Bit unreasonable to suggest I couldn't trust people not to put those details online, but obviously people from a certain generation can claim they're that stupid and socially inept.

I think a PP had it right when they said that if she's a good MIL she'd want to know that you were hurt and upset.

I think it's really hard to move on once something has sort of embedded itself and you get that stomach churning feeling when you think about it, unless you lance the boil.

Could you say that you know some people wouldn't mind but actually you were a bit upset that you didn't have the special moment of announcing the birth of your first child to the world, especially when you were still very shaken by the trauma of the birth? There's nothing to be done but because you've kept it in you've become a bit overfocused on it, so you just want to get it out there and then completely move on because you really do understand that it was an accident.

I think it's worth doing now because you will effectively be saying the same thing if you have another - you will say 'please don't put anything on social media before us' and she will immediately think back and go 'oh shit.' And then she will probably think 'oh shit - why didn't you tell me all this time, I feel like a fool.'

This was massive for you and she totally overstepped and ignored every boundary. It is no wonder you still feel it. I would definitely speak to her and say how it made you feel, and tell her that your DH and children's news is for you and DH to give out, not her. She knows full well she should not have done this, so not saying anything will just encourage her to take further liberties in future. And it will mean you have to swallow your feelings, which is not good. Have it out in the open, be polite but firm and say you were really upset as you wanted to let people know in your own time, and it was your news to give, not hers. Seriously, speak to her about it, then you can move on in a healthy way.

She sounds awful- set the boundaries now

Both my children asked me in advance of the birth of my grandchildren not to post any pictures on social media. I agree(d) with them and never did. They would've been livid if I had, and even more if I had stolen their thunder in announcing the birth of their precious ones. So no, YANBU. I would sit down with MIL and talk it out, I think that's the only way you'll get it out of your system. Good luck OP!

It's poor etiquette but I wouldn't get worked up over it... I think you're overreacting to still be so angry

I completely understand how this would have upset you. If you mention this now it could avoid a future of similar scenarios as your child grows up. Setting clear boundaries gives people the opportunity to make the change in future. Congratulations & sounds like you are doing an awesome job. It sounds to me like you have great “mum” instincts and it’s worth trying to gently set a new precedent.

I understand why you feel annoyed. I had a similar experience. We weren't big Facebook users so in normal circumstances it would have been fine. I had life threatening complications shortly after my DP sent a photo. Our phones buzzing with congratulation messages and calls drove my DP to throw our phones in the bin while I was in surgery and recovery. My mum still feels horribly guilty a decade later but what's done is done. DP was so shocked and panicked he hasn't told her what happened until after she posted. Neither of us can change it and I moved on more quickly than she did.

Some of the responses on here!
I really do not get this ultra possessiveness that seems to feature so prominently on MN.
A baby is a family event but thread after thread of new parents who seem to think that having a baby gives them the leverage to micromanage every element of the wider family's lives.
The pp who indicated that she 'punished' her in laws for telling people about her baby by not using their name says it all.
It is a new baby, a real person, not a bargaining chip to show everyone who is in charge.
This isn't aimed at you OP as I think you realise you are being ridiculous. It's aimed at the many posters who are angry at missing their big chance to be the centre of attention.

Where did I say anything specifically about your feelings or your MIL?? And why the need to curse?

Apologies, for forgetting to highlight the part that I was commenting on. Again, I have not singled out one side or the other and I shouldn’t need to say just because your experience with gps were positive or because you personally don’t know anyone who has had trouble , doesn’t mean that everyone is so lucky hence the many threads on here about it.

Horrible thing to do but it depends on your overall relationship really- if you love her and get on with her I would take the view that she got over excited and maybe doesn’t understand social media etiquette. Anger is a hot coal- if you hold on to it you burn yourself. If you really can’t stand her most of the time and she’s one of these that oversteps a lot, I’d be looking to keep as much distance as possible and be putting in some boundaries.

The pp who indicated that she 'punished' her in laws for telling people about her baby by not using their name says it all.

I am the poster who explained why my partner and I decided, after his mother posted all of first child's details on Facebook, not to use his family name, but to use mine instead.

I never said for a moment it was a 'punishment' and that is a shitty, dishonest, nasty thing to say. I explained very clearly that it was about demarcating of boundaries and tackling someone who was determined to control and own every aspect of her grandchildren's lives.

As it happens, I also believe that children should be given their mother's names, with or without the father's as well (our kids have both), and I have come to believe this much more strongly in the years since our first child was born.

My MIL did me a favour in this way. Her appalling behaviour after our child was born (the Facebook thing was just a tiny, tiny example) forced me to become a much stronger person and to stand up for myself and my kids and not allow someone else to dominate and control us.

My MIL also tried to literally physically interfere with me learning to breastfeed, on one occasion actually taking my newborn baby out of my arms while she was crying for milk. I shouldn't have to justify myself to you, but i won't allow my own story that I've shared to be so misrepresented and distorted.

missing their big chance to be the centre of attention.

How on earth you managed to conclude that people NOT WANTING ANYTHING POSTED ON FACEBOOK is about 'wanting to be the centre of attention' is frankly baffling.

OP is not being ridiculous at all. A baby is born into a family, but it is not a family event. Only one person is growing the baby and giving birth. The birth is about the mother, not the baby. If you can’t show basic respect to the person who wrecked her body to bring the baby into the world, you have no place in the baby’s life. Family or not.

Would you have liked me to be more understanding of my MIL taking my crying newborn out of my arms while I was trying to get the baby to latch on?

Or of my in laws getting blind drunk with my husband in our flat when the baby was 3 days old?

Or of her barging into our bedroom and taking the baby out of the cot in the mornings when we stayed there, when the baby cried for a feed, and refusing to hand her back?

That's just a tiny, tiny taster. I'm so glad for you that you had such lovely MILs. What a shame you can't understand that they're not all like that.

Yanbu it’s incredibly self centred and rude.

however 3 months have passed so it’s too late to say anything now imo but guess who won’t be getting photos if you have a second child.