I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

I think it's when they think being a little bit annoyed is reasonable but being really angry is a bit much

Its not ok even if mum and baby came through it physically. You potentially have mental and emotional scars that need to be addressed. Its very common after major surgeries etc, and what you went through was equally (if not more) horrific as it wasnt just you, but your baby too who were at risk. People who minimise trauma and not necessarily helping. All credit to you for ploughing on and looking after your LO, but now its time to take care of you.

I went through some major surgery with life changing cockups…I’m only now recognising that I need to process it 7 years later - I wish I had taken action sooner.

If you look for a professional to help you, you dont have to just take the first one you find, it can take a few tries to find a good fit with a counsellor and then its worth the wait

OP, has the hospital offered you a debrief?

Some people find this helpful to understand why decisions were made, what happened and why.
Some parents choose to have a debrief before they have another baby, some have it for closure, there's lots of reasons. It can be helpful for some people, not all.

Yep, that weird. If there's a connection I've missed it too

Eh? Did you read what I wrote or imagine a reason to be a #%^$€?

She said she was incensed, she asked if she was being unreasonable to feel that way. I said I understand she’s annoyed but it’s an overreaction to be incensed. What do you find so offensive about that? It’s a perfectly fair response.

My comment wasn’t squashing her or holier than thou. The only person making nasty, ridiculous, pious comments is you. Maybe you should practice what you preach?

Yes, I’d be annoyed but don’t let is spoil your time with the baby.

When my dd rang after giving birth I spoke for about 2 minutes and quickly asked could I tell my dm and df, both quite elderly. Dd said yes so I told them.
I didn’t tell anyone else.
A few days later, after dd had announced birth generally, my dsis rang swearing at me about not telling her that my dgc was born. Very strange and just proves sometimes dm’s are always in the wrong.

You cannot be serious. That was a perfectly rational and, frankly, friendly response.

Yes but this is the English language and we all know without it being spelled out to us that it's just a figure of speech.

Like using the word 'literally' or 'loads' or 'starving' or 'passed out' etc etc etc

You know that. I know that. Most people in which English language knows that.

So why, is it ripped apart on threads like this where the OP is so clearly vulnerable?

I'd be furious and I had an easy birth, you must have been so upset after going through all that.

This.

PLUS, don’t invalidate your feelings. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, all the time, about this and anything else. That’s where the pain comes - not from the anger so much, but that you’re questioning whether you’re allowed to feel angry. It’s the resistance to the feelings that causes suffering.

Your feelings don’t need to dictate your actions - so just because you feel fuming about it doesn’t mean you need to act on that or verbalise it to MIL, but for your own mental/emotional well-being you do need to verbalise it to yourself.

Also your anger is giving you valuable information. See it as a compass that tells you when someone is stepping on your territory, whether it’s physical or, in this case, emotional. It gives you information about what you’re not okay with and how to keep yourself safe. So as per the good advice above, your MIL has shown you that she doesn’t respect your place as mother of your child and she doesn’t respect your personal information. This tells you something about her character and how you should treat her in return i.e. you can’t trust her.

I imagine you already know more than enough about her to understand whether she would be open to you explaining how her actions made you feel, explain why (eg what your values are, what’s important to you) and what you need from her (e.g. more respect, courtesy?). If she’s not open to this kind of depth, that tells you she needs to stay nearer your acquaintance circle than a family/friend circle. That might bring up sadness, regret, loss - allow yourself to grieve.

You've got to feel it to heal it - you can’t move forward until you’ve let the feelings in.

Super friendly!

Oh my gosh so nice to patronise a poster about their choice of wording.

Omg squeee, so lovely 🥰

I'm a big fan of screaming into a pillow in these situations.

You know you can't do anything about it, it's happened and is in the past.

Just grab a pillow, scream out the rage, then give it a good punching. You'll feel much better than stewing on it and churning it over and over in your mind.

No it isn’t. “Incensed” is not a figure of speech for a bit annoyed.

No one was “ripped apart”. Did you even read the comment you think is so offensive?!

She’d be last to know everything going forward. I’d wait a month to tell her about first words / steps etc. in fact let her find out from someone else.

@FourBoysAndAFeline are you ok?

It's lovely she was so excited but it wasn't really her news to share.

In the scheme of things though, it's not something to keep in your head.

Super rational response here, Yes op definitely take this advice

I knew you would prove my point with picking up on my word of 'ripped apart.

Thank you for proving my point.

When an OP has clearly had a tough time, why patronise them? Who cares about the choice of one word out of the whole post when the post as a whole got the message across perfectly.

Why? Because it must make the poster who does so feel better than them. Why else?!

The only person who is talking about the choice of wording is you. What was said was that one negative emotion is fair enough but the far more extreme negative emotion is over the top (in their opinion). They then give them advice, wish them well and congratulation them. No one was patronised at any point. You, on the other hand, have been patronising, multiple times.

It's really bad etiquette however you have nothing to gain from holding onto anger.

Try to move on and focus on your new baby but be wary of what information you share with her (including photos) that you wouldn't want be shared online.

Definitely poor etiquette. But - I’d ask myself whether or not it came from a good place. Was she just really excited and wanted to share good news (albeit without thinking it through properly)? If so, I’d give her a pass on it. If you think she took some pleasure in somehow beating you to it, or was trying to get one over on you, then I’d feel differently about it.

I think it is a big deal in the scheme of things – your birth sounds horrific and rather than any support for you in the aftermath, it’s all about her: “here’s my grandchild!” Instead of concern for you.

I’m a petty grudge-holding bitch, though, so I’d be waiting for something awful to happen to her and announcing it as a positive for you. Wait for her to fall and break a hip and post that you and DH are “soon to inherit 🤞🏻”

Do you not understand that words have meanings? That’s the whole reason we actually have words…

If I said “she hit me” when actually she’d looked at me and then turned around and said “stop attacking my choice of words” you’d think I was batty. You said OP was ripped apart - she wasn’t. She was politely told that she was overreacting.

You’re behaving very strangely here.

Someone in my family did this when I had DC2 - no pic but name and tagged on Facebook. I didn’t care, at all, though a few people mentioned it as if I should. If anything probably built a bit of social media anticipation for a proper announcement 🤣 it was just a thoughtless congratulation post - not an attempt to steal thunder or anything.

from your perspective though OP, I would have been (very) annoyed if it had been MIL and DC1 - so I thought this might give you some context as to why you are so annoyed, as maybe it’s not the announcement itself but who and when?

I was coming to say the same as this. It’s hurting because the other stuff was (presumably) unavoidable and out of your control but this was one small thing that could have been controlled /fixed.