I need to get over MIL announcing birth

[Grumpynewmum23]

I am certain AIBU here but honestly 3 months later am still so annoyed.

For context as am still a bit emotionally drained and have psychological support as I had quite a traumatic birth (PROM, induced, allergic reaction to epidural and failed epidural, 3hr pushing to no avail, baby flipped transverse, episiotomy to pull head round, forceps, ventouse, shoulder dystocia and PPH (lost 1.2l) - mild ptsd/was in shock so refused to hold baby/feed baby etc as a result until next morning).
Anyway, next day after gathering thoughts together etc, DP and I decide we want to announce arrival of our first child to friends and family on Facebook (we didn't announce pregnancy at all as I was scared of losing the baby).
I go and open up Facebook and see MIL has posted a picture of our baby (sent by DP just to family which I hadn't even seen at this point) announcing the arrival of 'her grand[child]' that 'just happened'. Neither DP or I are tagged or even mentioned, and she didn't contact me at all.
At the time I was too in shock and exhausted to even really take it in, but as the initial shock of the birth wore off I've just felt increasingly angry about it and literally cannot shake it off.

Tbh it is not like me to get annoyed or upset by others behaviours that easily, and I hate that I am feeling so negative.

Am I being unreasonably grumpy to feel absolutely incensed by this and is she just excited or is this just not good etiquette?!

Also if anyone has any tips for getting over this, please share!

I'm guessing she obtained them when she was informed about the birth of her grandchild.

Or should she have waited for the announcement on social media?

I actually disagree that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

The birth of your child is a huge milestone in your life, and nobody else has the right to announce it for you. You had a traumatic birth for other reasons, a lot of things didn't go the way you wanted or expected them to, and you lost a lot of control. This is often the way in childbirth. We hope that things will go a certain way, and when they don't and you find yourself shell shocked and struggling to process what just happened when you thought you'd be happily cuddling your little baby in the picture of childbirth that you had in your head, it can be a lot to cope with.

The manner in which your child's birth is announced to the world is something you absolutely should get to control.

In a world where you don't get to control whether you have an episiotomy or a bad tear, or forceps or an emergency C-section, in a world where you might be given an intervention you don't want or denied the birthing pool or epidural or delayed cord clamping you do want, deciding how, when and to whom you announce your child's birth is something that can and should remain entirely within your control. Your MIL took that away from you. I'm sorry.

The trouble is, at three months postpartum, you might have missed the boat in terms of telling her how you feel. If you'd told her how you felt and she'd been hugely apologetic and said she just didn't think, you'd hopefully be able to trust her not to do the same thing again if you have another baby. If you'd told her how you felt and she'd been unrepentant and tried to minimise your feelings, you'd know she couldn't be trusted a second time round. But because you didn't address it with her at the time, I think you need to use your judgement based on what you know about her as a person.

If you think it was just a silly lapse in judgement, then if you have another baby you and your husband can tell her in advance that this time you would like to be the ones to announce the birth of your child and hopefully she will respect your wishes next time round. If you think she doesn't really care about your feelings and might do the same thing again even if you ask her not to, I'd be inclined not to tell her your child is born (or at least not send her a photo) until you're ready to announce it to the world yourself.

Anyway, what's done is done, unfortunately. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, and you can use this experience to set better boundaries with your mother in law going forward.

If she posts a lot of stuff on Facebook about your child and you don't want her to, you can raise that with her at any time and maybe mention the birth announcement thing in the context of that conversation.

In terms of getting over it, you might want to get a debrief from the hospital about why your baby's birth went the way it did, and perhaps separately look into some postnatal counselling, if you haven't already.

Your feelings and your mental health as a new mother are incredibly important. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. And you want to be feeling as good as possible so you can enjoy your baby now, rather than looking back with regret.

I think you need to talk to her, not a accusation or anything liek that, just a wee quiet word that you were upset she did that ans moving forward you need her word if you have more kids she will not tell ANYBODY ANYTHING until you are ready

When I was pregnant with DD1, I knew I needed an induction or c section. Found out the baby was measuring very large and got scheduled an induction at 37 weeks. I was really stressed about it all. I sent my DM a message after my consultancy appointment saying FYI induction scheduled for 3 days time. She copied my message and it to all in a family WhatsApp chat. I was pretty annoyed, not least because I hate being the topic of conversation. I am pregnant again and DM will be being informed following the birth not before!

Anyway, I don’t think it was meant badly, your MIL was excited and being thoughtless. It’s not worth saying anything because in the event you have another child just make sure she knows that she is not allowed to post it on social media.

I do have a real issue with people posting photos of other peoples kids on social media. So maybe tell her not to post about your child online.

I bloody hope I’m not a MIL because my eldest is only 3! Maybe it’s more likely that people just don’t always agree 100% with you?

OP,
I think it was a hugely rude, and CF move on your MIL's half.

You have every right to have been very annoyed.

Am pleased to read your partner agrees.

You sound like a great woman to be so prepared to move forward.

I think you are very generous to do this.

My first delivery was traumatic too.

Afterwards I found myself experiencing a combination of the blues and inexplicable anger for a while, it was quite confusing.

Looking back I think it was pure shock at what had gone down and a replaying of the fear I had felt.

Fortunately it faded quick enough and subsequent births were quick and text bookish.

Yours sounds as if it was indeed very tough.

An old friend of mine had a horrific first birth and for her, a year later it was actually going through it with a lovely mid wife that she met at a toddler group that really helped her.

These things are worth teasing out, as they get stuck on a loop in your head.

Just because you have been blessed by a healthy baby doesn't mean that this wasn't a big deal and a lot to process.

Wishing you the very best.

I get it @Grumpynewmum23 .The PPs saying it’s no big deal probably haven’t been in your shoes. The people who understand you are the ones who experienced something similar. yanbu.

Nobody who had a straightforward birth can understand how battered, broken and emotionally wrung out you feel after a traumatic one. And then everyone ignores how you feel emotionally and physically and it’s all aaah, coo, baby baby baby! and you don’t seem to be of any interest whatsoever for most people now that you’ve produced a baby for them to gush over. They like to tell themselves everything is fine and “mum and baby are doing well” because it makes them feel better than “baby is fine but mum is injured, traumatised, exhausted and could do with some support from me”.

The last thing you need on top of all that is a thoughtless act like your MILs, which can feel like a last straw. Yes she was excited, but all she had to do is ask your DH if it was OK for her to tell others and post the photo. I had a traumatic birth too, and someone visiting was very insensitive and selfish when I hadn’t even begun to recover, and it felt so much like the last straw that I pretty much went numb.

Congratulations and I hope you feel better soon.

I would be very annoyed too. It is bad form and there are wider issues too - what if you had decided not to post images of your child to social media at all?Unfortunately, family do annoying things like this all the time - see grandparents using a photo of their grandchildren as their profile picture etc etc.

It's done now, but I would possibly have a gentle chat about it so that she doesn't do anything similar in future.

this is only unreasonable of her if you’d specially asked her and rest of family not to say anything tbh.

I agree that it’s very obviously poor form to do this. Is never announce anyone else’s pg or birth. But lots of people think it’s their news too particularly grandparents.

Chalk it up to experience and should you have another do a round robin politely saying you’d be really grateful if people could wait til you’d posted.

I am so sorry you had such a blimmin awful time. Hope you’re getting support for that trauma.

The woman in the bed opposite to me when I had my first child had her mil do the same, only her mil announced the birth with a picture of her (the grandma) proudly holding the baby like it was hers 😅 and she'd just given birth, she tagged the poor girl and her son so she announced it to everyone they knew too. The girl was on the phone to her friend raging about it. I totally understand, it's for the parent's to decide when or if they want to announce the birth of their child, not have someone else do it, it's your news to share, it's your moment not anyone else's. I'd be mad too.

Congratulations on coming through that epically-complicated labour.
I would feel equally pissed off, even if I'd had a straightforward delivery. Because it was not her news to tell. Only someone with little emotional intelligence tells about a third party's very new pregnancy/birth announcement unless they are specifically requested to.
BUT you can't un-ring the bell.
It has been done.
I would forgive - meaning put down your anger - carrying resentment to someone for a wrong they have done you is like carrying a hot coal and expecting them to feel the pain. So drop the coal, even mime doing this if you should feel ragey at any time in the future. Forgiveness is for you, not her.
I would NOT forget, though. She never gets told any secrets or early non-public announcements, as she does not have the emotional intelligence to deal with them as she should.

Hope you are recovered/recovering from all you have been through

It's annoying but it's done. You can't change it. Just get on with being a mum. ML will be over before you know it and you will have wasted time you could have spent enjoying your baby stewing.

Ok, I’m sticking my neck out here with a bit of amateur psychology which I’m normally dead set against, so it may be complete bullshit, but may be useful to think about it a bit

I’m wondering if this may be about control, but not saying in a bad way. You had a birth that was way beyond your control. You were frightened, anxious and it was all happening TO you .
it may be that this is still going on with your feelings and emotions and the trauma you have gone through. Loss of control whilst being in a very vulnerable position physically and emotionally is shit scary and traumatic. You are only a little way in for recovery of that and potentially reprocessing those emotions. As someone who has been diagnosed with PTSD, it was extremely useful for me to know that the brain is hard wired to focus on perceived threats, and trauma can often lead to hyper vigilance of that perceived threat, seeing stuff that is genuinely not a threat as a potential threat. That results in anxiety, over thinking, catastrophic thinking, anger etc.

it would be entirely normal, in your circumstances, that your brain is predisposed to “flash backs” of that loss of control and perceived threat.

Then along comes MIL. she takes a small bit of control away from you again. Does something whilst you aren’t even aware, and against your wishes, and sucking a little element of joy in at least having control of your birth news being spread. In those circumstances, all the emotional flashback in loss of control will come hurtling back and with similar emotions - but now your not in “freeze” mode any more (like you were with baby on first night), but fight - you’re angry. Absolutely fair enough . Understandable.

im sorry to hear you had such a difficult time. I hope you are able to talk to someone about your birthing experiences , but also to help you process what happened to you mentally and emotionally. Don’t for a moment start blaming yourself for feeling angry, upset etc with MIL, it’s understandable, but I think now is not the time for you to broach this with her. Deal with your own issues and make sure you properly recover physically and mentally. Maybe in a year or so, before having another, have a light hearted conversation with her about your traumatic birth experience and your “irrational” rage at her for taking yet more control away from you. Make the point firmly, and then say something, like “I never did understand why you did that- why did you? “
Maybe if you do need to talk to a physiologist for help with trauma, raise how you’re feeling about MIL actions with them and take their advice

Just wanted to say you are not at all unreasonable being upset. I'm a stepmother and my stepson and his partner had a baby last year. Stepson's mother announced it (with photos) on FB. Stepson's partner - who is lovely - immediately told her to remove it. Makes sense - it's their news, their baby and their choice.

The time has probably gone to say anything now, and as you get on in other ways its best left in the past. She was excited and the intentions were good. I'm sorry you had such a traumatic birth

Its annoying but its not worth making a fuss over.

She was just excited and as someone else said, just did it with excitement and the intentions were good.

I think @RosaBonheur gives very good advice.

She shouldn't have done it, and you've learned something for next time, if you decide to have another child. Buy now you have to choose what to hold on to and what to let go of in terms of how you feel about this and what you do about it.

If her behaviour came from a genuinely good place, then you can hopefully forgive her and allow yourself to move forward.

And 'mum and baby survived' is a pretty low bar for coming away from a delivery with everyone happy and healthy. Survival is the bare minimum, physically and psychologically fit and well is the aim ideally. I hope you're able to get some support to recover from the birth, it sounds very distressing for you to have gone through.

It is if they have more children, the mil needs to know that she's done wrong and not to repeat what she did should they have more children.

Here's the view of a total outsider. Not a parent or (unsurprisingly) a GP.

OMG I have just realised that my BFF did something like this. The important thing being that I hadn't realised before this thread, so I guess that means I understand her excitement as a PGP (prospective GP).

She posted on her thread that she was gonna be a GP at what I would have thought was an appropriate time (waiting into 2nd trimester etc). The parents have ONLY JUST posted on their own thread that they are preg. So I suppose that she may have spoilt their surprise for some people who are fr of both (although I already knew and I guess some other of her fr will have done).

She's lovely, and would never have spoilt their surprise deliberately - I think this just shows how excited GP get. I can fully, fully understand the upset and pre-empting the birth announcement, so would suggest that pregnant peeps nip this in the bud by telling their parents what they (don't) want to happen before the big day.

Social media is sooooooo full of bear traps!

Did you tell her it was a secret? I would never put a pic on of someone else's pregnancy, but this isn't just an acquaintance its an excited baby's GM, sometimes MIL can't win. They post, they shouldn't have. They don't post, why didn't they. Its trivial.

Yes I’d be annoyed too, but it’s probably partly a generational thing. It won’t seem so bad to her.

@Grumpynewmum23 I'm genuinely interested in how you could keep your pregnancy secret from your friends & family until the birth? Did nobody notice your bump and comment on it?

True, but she could wait until then. Why make things awkward now?
She could easily say later on down the line that you don't want anyone announcing the birth please.

This happened to me - after a very similar labour to you. It was actually my DH who was furious and let her know how he felt. He then got loads of awful messages from the wider family when my baby had just left ICU care because MIL played victim.
You have my total sympathy but be careful how you tread because you really want to focus on your beautiful child and not some silly woman who, at best, behaved inconsiderately. Perhaps gently ask what her thought process was if she is normally a thoughtful person.

My mother did similar but not social media (it wasn't around then). She put the birth announcement in The Telegraph.

I was furious. MiL, who was very excited about what would have been her first grandchild died suddenly and unexpectedly shortly before DD1 was born, her funeral was on my due day.
Luckily I went two weeks overdue which gave us a chance to gather ourselves (apart from Mum ringing at 8am EVERY day to say "Are you still here, why hasn't anything happened etc etc".

The day after she was born Mum visited and mentioned a birth announcement. I TOLD HER not to do anything as we wanted to discuss wording. It was my mother's 8th grandchild. We probably would have put something like "much longed for first grandchild for the late MiL" or some mention of her.
And it would have been in The Times.

I was so cross, it wasn't at all the wording we would have chosen, just a brief announcement of name and date, and not in the newspaper of our choice.

And my sisters as well as my mother kept telling me how ungrateful I was.

We thought of putting our own announcement in, but it seemed a bit pointless by then and just would have caused more ructions.

It was the start of many years of interfering Granny - she'd done it with my sisters but they were a bit more insulated by all having babies around the same time as each other and long before me as I'm the youngest and was 40 when DD was born. I got the full force.

There's nothing you can do, it's done. You just have to try to let it go but learn and try to keep one step ahead of her in future and think about boundaries and how you will maintain them in the future if she is likely to be interfering.

Congratulations on your baby. The birth sounds terrible and I hope you are recovering and enjoying your baby.