Can anyone give me advice on how to get a child back after Social services put them in Foster Care

[outingaccount]

My family member has lost their child.
Raging drug addiction after a very traumatic life.

It's a long road to recovery and they haven't stopped taking drugs cold turkey. Certainly the drug use has reduced significantly but not completely. I suspect they have hot rock bottom there was a case of 'what's the point?' in the beginning when child was first taken.

I don't think the parents are receiving any support (which is fair enough, they are adults and the child comes first) but they hit rock bottom and I was angry with them for a long time, withdrew contact (not completely) and blamed them for ruining their children's lives (2 children one is old enough to have moved out rather than go into care)

Now the dust has settled, I want to support the parents to at least try to get the child back (I don't know if it's even possible but for the child's sake we should do all we can do)
I feel really bad for being angry when they were clearly hurting and needed support.

Is there anything concrete to help them?
I'm thinking parenting classes and some sort of alcoholics anonymous but for drug addiction. Can't afford rehab but there must be other things to help.

Social services have been great with regards to the child but there has been no interest in helping the parents back on their feet,
what can I do to help?

• I am not trying to put a plaster over the situation, but we have had quite a few suicides in our family (hence the drug use as coping mechanism) and I am so, so worried that if they lose the child forever, possibly to be adopted or fostered long term they would do something stupid. or even overdose. This is only a blip in a normal life, brought on by bereavement. -

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

So they need to be engaging with the drug and alcohol services near them, that is who will support the parent in recovery and rebuilding their life. Usually this is offered before children are removed depending on the circumstances and it's always advised to parents to access these services when children are removed. Often there is a family intervention team or similar titled team.

Volunteering in some way finding some meaning and purpose helps. It is sometimes possible to regain custody depending on risk assessments etc but they have to properly engage with services and often that means drug testing too. be that they are able to rebuild the relationship when the children are adults and they can demonstrate that they have done everything they can to get better.

Op have they even expressed a desire to quit the drugs?

Rehab is sometimes accessible through drug and alcohol services but it's something that happens a way in, they need to demonstrate a real commitment to recovery first and waiting lists for rehab are long. It also won't fix anything until they have decided to make a change. That motivation has to come from them. Plenty of people relapse on the journey home from rehab. Also for rehab you have to be open to doing group work and complying with a lot of rules and structure. But it is the most incredible thing when someone makes it work for them :)

It might not be in the child's best interest to go back to the birth parent, though.

The parent needs to sort themselves out even if their child never returns because parents who sober up for the sake of another person even if for their own child, their sobriety is very temporary and fragile they need to sober up for themselves. If the parent is a risk with drugs and suicidal then they aren't fit to raise the child. I don't know why you are so involved with wanting to help this parent unless you yourself are the grandarent of the child or have some involvement with the trauma that this parent suffered? Because we all have had shit happen to us to varying degrees but there comes a point where it's on you to sort yourself out, get help and be a good parent even when you yourself didn't have one. There is a point where you need to stop blaming everything and everyone for your troubles otherwise you end up becoming the trauma causer for your own child, see how the cycle goes? The abused becomes the abuser. They need to get sober, the UK has many free resources to help but ultimately it's on the addict to help themselves and the child may or may not come back they need to accept the consequences of their choices and think about what is best for the child, sharing the same DNA is not necessarily the best parent for a child.

The child might prefer to stay put. Some children are so relieved y the consistency of a good placement, they don't want to go home.

Unfortunately someone in the grips of an addiction is often unable to put others first, even their own children. It is futile to think that this will change. The only thing that will make them give up their addiction is to want it for themselves. Once they have spent time a considerable time clean, then you might make plans for contact but until then they are not a safe place for their own children.

Addicts can be very manipulative in covering up their addiction, in getting their needs met, in not taking responsibility for their actions. These behaviours are very bad for the children they are supposed to be looking after. Children really shouldn't be looking after their parents, it's very damaging.

I know you are trying to do the best thing for everyone, but the children have to come first. Anything else is extremely negligent.

You can't make the child responsible for their parents mh. There would be very clear guidance as to what circumstances the child might return including lifestyle changes to be made ( ie drug use). Do you have an ongoing relationship with the children? Do they want to return? How long since they were removed?

I mean this kindly, but I think you are asking the wrong questions.

your relative in the grip of addiction and various other difficulties is nowhere near a path towards being capable of being a good parent. things may improve and it's great if you can help them, but the focus must be on getting them drug free, mentally stable and healthy, financially solvent and capable of living their life. That's going to be a project of years.

Meanwhile, what's in the best interests of the child? I would assert that waiting around in temporary foster care for years while mum gets her life sorted may not be the answer. the child deserves a loving and stable home and a sense of belonging, and the longer a child is kept in a temporary placement pending decisions on their long term future, the less and less likely it is that a permanent new family will ever be found, and that's a tragedy. Fighting for mum to be able to get her child back when she's nowhere near capable of that responsibility could make things worse for the child, who is the innocent party so their needs should come first.

Do the parents have any contact with those child at the moment? What sort of order is the child on?

I work with children in care, and ime unfortunately rehab possibilities are dismal without money, but in my original country they do get some sort of funding in these situations. So there’s some hope, but it’s one hell of a fight for the parents. Ime though, those who don’t quite quickly engage in that hell of a fight (I mean, addiction happens even to well meaning parents especially fathers for me, alcohol can be extremely cheap, they’re drowning in bills, then it spirals) when the kids are taken… have less of a chance of success.

In any case, I was taken into care at 10, survived ok, and still hate whoever sent me back ‘home’ at 15 : just freaking leave me where I am !

It doesn’t necessarily take years though, I’ve seen some become sober after a couple of months, there’s no specific statistics that I know of bc every situation is different and it’s just not as much studied as other medical fields.
Obv they don’t get the child back immediately (can take very long), but the child knows the parent is getting better, supervised visits, it’s priceless

Can rehab be funded somehow in England ? How much does it cost ?
Im from a Western European country

Tbh I’ve rarely seen AA be enough. And by rehab I mean really a minimum of a month, ideally more.
Thats just my observations though, although I have access to the files, only the conclusions not the detailed stuff, so you can kind of guess but not the details. You know much more if you’re lucky enough to meet the parents who succeeded

They will have been told everything they need to do to stand a chance of getting their child back.

The starting point is obviously getting off drugs and changing whatever habits or peer groups or whatever else that leads to those poor decisions or environment.

You can offer help to facilitate that... but you can't do it for them and as harsh as this sounds... if they decide that their best option is to kill themselves rather than put in the effort and accept the help available... that is on them, it is not on you. You cannot live someone elses life for them and you are not responsible for the decisions they make.

Exactly, how is it in the children's best interest to be raised by addicts. They have failed their children and it is up to them to do the work to prove to their children that they deserve/ worthy enough to be in their lives. It is not the children's responsibility to understand the parents trauma or reason for raising them in such an environment.

In case my question got lost in all my rambling, would be really interested to know how much rehab (inpatient) costs ?

Yet again you do not have the children's best interests and wellbeing at heart. It seems like this is about your guilt around these people. The dc are not objects to make them feel better. You should not be getting involved because your intentions are not for the dc.

@outingaccount how old are the DC ?

From what you describe the parents still don't seem stable enough to be good parents and the children have a chance of a more stable, better life ahead of them in a foster home. If the birth parents got what they wanted, the children would be pulled back into the same turmoil again. Are the birth parents allowed contact? That would enable some sort of relationship to be maintained for the future if they were.

And what if they do get returned and the parent neglects them again and is caught up with the drugs?

You need to think about the child as well. You’re very focussed on the adult, but they’re an adult. They have options and choices.

The child doesn’t. They’re just stuck there reliant on someone who, from everything you’ve said, has an addiction that is still a bigger priority. What about their future and protecting that?

There are many things that would help, but none of them guarantee that their dc will return, and, being honest, they might do better where they are.

Quitting drugs, and generally living a lifestyle more conducive to a child's wellbeing - reasonable home, job, able to support their dc's health needs and education.

I'd imagine a good starting point might be to see what family contact is in place and focus on this being positive for the dc. Also (if this isn't already in place), demonstrating an ability to put the dc's needs above their own, and to be positive about the people currently caring for their dc.

Yes, dc who have left their parent's care do return to live with them sometimes (ever where a full care order is in place this does sometimes happen) but only when there is a significant change.

Even if the dc do not return to live with them, it doesn't mean that their relationship is unimportant. Being the best supporting, caring parent they can be still matters.

It is not the children's responsibility to stop their parents killing themselves due to lack of their presence.
The pressure on those poor children is toxic.
The message you are sending OP, is a very immature one:
the children are a crutch to stop mummy killing herself. How damaging.
I'm saying that as a child that was abused emotionally and sexually by parents. It is not ok.

OP it’s really hard to watch family making choices that hurt themselves. You’re seeing a lot of the anger that you presumably felt at first about the way they have failed their child. It’s good for them that you’ve seen past that bit and now feel able to provide support.

I would suggest you need to be very careful, though, about making the return of the child the focus of that support. You need to support them to get well and be the sorts of people who would be good for a child, not try and get the child to support them.

I think you also need to be careful about how much you can really give. If they used drugs to such an extent they lost their child, and they are still using them, this isn’t a blip and it’s unlikely to be helpful for any of you to look at it that way. This sounds like a case of a lack of good tools and practices for managing mental health. With a history of suicides in the family this may be a vulnerable area for you all and you probably don’t have a family culture of managing it well. So it’s likely an uphill battle that means confronting more than simply their behaviour and attitudes. You also have the issue of them still being addicted, which probably makes them manipulative and untrustworthy. So have good barriers in place to protect yourself.

In terms of practical, inexpensive support, there is Narcotics Anonymous ukna.org
And Mind might be a good starting point for looking for mental health support www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/where-to-start/

And you might find other support for you at Nar-Anon a charity for the family and friends of people with drug problems:
www.nar-anon.co.uk

The best place for the child is with their parents

I just can't agree with statements like this, there's too many cases where this plan has been followed and its not been in the best interest of the child. Far far too much is placed on the parents 'rights' and little attention on their responsibilities. And the 'oh its someone else's fault they neglected, deprived, assaulted, injured their child because they just weren't told not to' is ridiculous

www.drugaddictsanonymous.org.uk
www.talktofrank.com/get-help/find-support-near-you
www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/recreational-drugs-alcohol-and-addiction/drug-and-alcohol-addiction-useful-contacts/

Some links that might give you info for support.