Can anyone give me advice on how to get a child back after Social services put them in Foster Care

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My family member has lost their child.
Raging drug addiction after a very traumatic life.

It's a long road to recovery and they haven't stopped taking drugs cold turkey. Certainly the drug use has reduced significantly but not completely. I suspect they have hot rock bottom there was a case of 'what's the point?' in the beginning when child was first taken.

I don't think the parents are receiving any support (which is fair enough, they are adults and the child comes first) but they hit rock bottom and I was angry with them for a long time, withdrew contact (not completely) and blamed them for ruining their children's lives (2 children one is old enough to have moved out rather than go into care)

Now the dust has settled, I want to support the parents to at least try to get the child back (I don't know if it's even possible but for the child's sake we should do all we can do)
I feel really bad for being angry when they were clearly hurting and needed support.

Is there anything concrete to help them?
I'm thinking parenting classes and some sort of alcoholics anonymous but for drug addiction. Can't afford rehab but there must be other things to help.

Social services have been great with regards to the child but there has been no interest in helping the parents back on their feet,
what can I do to help?

• I am not trying to put a plaster over the situation, but we have had quite a few suicides in our family (hence the drug use as coping mechanism) and I am so, so worried that if they lose the child forever, possibly to be adopted or fostered long term they would do something stupid. or even overdose. This is only a blip in a normal life, brought on by bereavement. -

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

They will have to turn their life around completely for an extended period, and show they can offer a safe home for DC. So that's what they need help with.

No drugs.
Keeping their home relatively clean and tidy - not necessarily a show home, but not full of rubbish, able to buy food, pay for utilities etc and not spending what money they have on non essentials while the power goes out because they don't have any money for electricity.
Possibly working, or at least doing some sort of voluntary work to show they can be reliable and start to interact with society again and get a reference that might help them get work.

A relative of mine is a foster carer for children who have been removed by SS and some of their previous home lives are heartbreaking. Babies born already addicted to drugs. Children who've not been loved, fed or provided with basic essentials like a bed, clothing or an adequate home by even the most basic standard. Babies and children who've been abused.

And sadly, some of the children who have been returned to parents who claim to have recovered from addiction, got help with mental illness or separated from an unsuitable/violent partner have returned to the ways that caused their DC to be removed and there has been further neglect and at least one family unfortunately, the children died while in the 'care' of their birth parents.

If the parents are still taking drugs there is no way they will get their child back. If the parents were truly interested in wanting their child back they would do all they can to kick their habit.

You mention multiple suicides in your family for which I am truly sorry but I would imagine social services have looked at parents and extended family and decided child is better off in care. Fingers crossed they have a lovely foster family.

Just an additional. When you say parents have received no support. This won't be the case.

They will have been given ample support and access to services prior to getting to the court arena, and part of court assessments is proving everything has been done to change things, make improvements and keep family together. This HAS to come from the parent. They need to show they are willing to make changes at the very least.
Children's Social services can only offer and sign post parents to get support, they can't actually enforce them to do so.

Sounds harsh but 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.'

Once a child becomes 'looked after' and the court feels they need to remain in foster care long term. Parents need to access their own support.

I'd also not forget the older child who has moved out. They didn't really have a choice. With all this going on over the last few years I'd be extremely surprised if they had a good education and career. I'd say it's more likely they're living in a HMO making ends meet. Be a good aunt (or whatever) to them and help facilitate a relationship between them and their younger sibling if that's what they want. Whether they're 17 or 25, they're still a 'kid' whos essentially lost their parents. They might need both a role model and 'carer' as much as the younger child.

You need to think about what is best for the child. Not the parents. Can you honestly say the child would be safer and happier being back with their parents than being in a safe, stable, drug-free home with a foster/adoption family?

Is it really in the best interests of the child to be back with a parent who is still using? Perhaps support your relative to get clean so they can have a positive relationship with the children in the future/when they are adults.

Is it in the child's best interests to return to the parent?

Advise the parent to talk to their social worker. Work with them to do all the things social services want to see and prove to them they are a fit person to take care of their child.

That child comes first. They need to be as far away from that sort of environment as humanely possible.

They will need to be clean for an extended period of time, demonstrate they can function like a functioning adult in society and are capable of ensuring children are properly cared for and not at risk of harm.

Children are not removed on a whim. The threshold is high and support is offered throughout the process. What your relative likely means is that they've not engaged and done the difficult stuff required to prove over a period of time they can keep their children safe.

It is never the role of the child to suffer just so a neglectful adult can feel better about themselves.

Think about it another way OP, the child goes back when your relative can't adequately keep them safe, then the whole process starts again, and there's months of paperwork and visits, and giving your relatives yet another chance, then the child gets removed again. Just how much harm should a child experience in order to prioritise a neglectful parent who isn't willing to change?

My advice is probably dated, as I was put into care in the 1980s but… family members fostered me for 2 years, while my mum sorted her life out. She was not a drug addict, but she had major mental health issues that prevented her from caring for us.

To be completely honest, I didn’t have a happy childhood with her. But I think the alternative (growing up in care) would have been much worse.

So, can you take this child in the interim?

My friend had all 5 of her children took off her and placed into foster care because of continuous DV and drug addiction

They were in foster care for over a year before she got them back. She had to get clean, leave the relationship and attend parenting courses. It wasnt an easy ride but she finally got back them. Shes stayed off drugs, moved areas and they all seem really happy now

It's not an all or nothing thing really. Even if they never 'get the child back' the child will grow up and may want to have a relationship with it's parents then. There is always that chance. Your relative needs to work on making themself into someone that will be good for the child to have in their life, at whatever point that is.

Narcotics Anonymous and AA seem to be working for my son after over 20 years of drug and alcohol misuse. However something changed in him to want and accept the help they offer, before he started going to meetings.

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Yes, if you want to be useful OP then you could support them to get a care solicitor if they don't have one already.

They will need to have a parenting assessment done to see if they are capable of safely caring for the child.

Best thing to do is speak to social work to let them know you are in the picture and there to help.

They need to get in a program, or a rehab. Get totally clean and sober and after a period of abstinence and stability, seek legal advice. It is possible unless the child has been adopted, but need to sort the addiction out and any other lifestyle concerns first.

Its permanent once a permanent order in place.

Prior to that the aim is always to rehabilitate the child home if that's what's in the best interests of the child.

A child in foster care stands some chance of a useful life. A child of 2 drug addicts stands very little chance. Children are only removed in absolutely desperate circumstances so the parents of that child must live in absolute chaos. Why would you want a child you know anywhere near that.

You say parentS, plural. Are they both on the same page in regard to giving up the drugs, or do they self-enable? That‘s an important question as if one has more impetus than the other, will one drag the other back down? There‘s no point trying to help them get the child back if there‘s a risk either or or both will relapse and the child will have to be taken again.

How old is the child? Are they old enough to have their own view? Is there any reason they couldn‘t be fostered within the family?

Best thing you can do to support these children is to leave their parents to sort themselves out. They need to be the force behind getting clean and staying clean. They need to be motivated to do what it takes to get their children back. They will never get better so long as you are the one seeking out information and trying to support them. It has to come from them or means nothing.

I wouldn't if they're still using. The kids will be experiencing less instability and risk than stuck with an addicted parent on a downwards trajectory.

Exactly this. The child comes FIRST, not the adult.
It goes sound as though the whole family has faced very difficult and traumatic situations but the addicts have to get convincingly (not temporarily) clean first. No child should be returned to an addict.

You could apply for kinship care, so you can look after the child to keep them in the family. This way you know the child won’t be lost to the system. It may be worth speaking to the child’s social worker as obviously in this type of situation the child is the priority.
There are lots of charities in the UK that could give you advice about supporting your adult family member.

OP your language of "getting the child back" sounds rather as though you consider these children the possessions of their parents.

I should think that what you could do would be to support your relatives to kick their addiction. Then you might suggest that there are short supervised visits.

But you sound too close, and you're making too many excuses.

And if one child is old enough to have lived independently anyway, maybe you could support that child, rather than potentially enable the child's parents?

But the children are probably safer in all sorts of ways in foster care than in the care of your family.