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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can anyone give me advice on how to get a child back after Social services put them in Foster Care

193 replies

outingaccount · 01/03/2023 10:01

My family member has lost their child.
Raging drug addiction after a very traumatic life.

It's a long road to recovery and they haven't stopped taking drugs cold turkey. Certainly the drug use has reduced significantly but not completely. I suspect they have hot rock bottom there was a case of 'what's the point?' in the beginning when child was first taken.

I don't think the parents are receiving any support (which is fair enough, they are adults and the child comes first) but they hit rock bottom and I was angry with them for a long time, withdrew contact (not completely) and blamed them for ruining their children's lives (2 children one is old enough to have moved out rather than go into care)

Now the dust has settled, I want to support the parents to at least try to get the child back (I don't know if it's even possible but for the child's sake we should do all we can do)
I feel really bad for being angry when they were clearly hurting and needed support.

Is there anything concrete to help them?
I'm thinking parenting classes and some sort of alcoholics anonymous but for drug addiction. Can't afford rehab but there must be other things to help.

Social services have been great with regards to the child but there has been no interest in helping the parents back on their feet,
what can I do to help?

  • I am not trying to put a plaster over the situation, but we have had quite a few suicides in our family (hence the drug use as coping mechanism) and I am so, so worried that if they lose the child forever, possibly to be adopted or fostered long term they would do something stupid. or even overdose. This is only a blip in a normal life, brought on by bereavement. -

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 01/03/2023 12:24

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 01/03/2023 10:28

How about starting by putting the child first. No, no one wants this child’s parent to commit suicide, but there are deeper problems that simply returning the child to their parent won’t solved. How unfair on the child to put this responsibility of basically saving their parents life on them.

Absolutely this, so much around the 'family/parent's rights' what about their responsibilities?!

PuppyMonkey · 01/03/2023 12:28

Has an interim card order been granted? If so, they will be doing assessments until the court case comes up - SS will be working with the parents and probably have put regular contact sessions in place. how are these going? Some parents don’t even turn up for these. Has your relative not mentioned this?

If you contact the LA and ask to be assessed to card for the children, this might be possible before it goes to court.

If it’s already been to court, don’t forget there will be LAC reviews every 6 months to keep track of how the parents are doing, if any changes need to be made, new assessments ordered etc.

Thats my take as a former foster carer anyway!

steff13 · 01/03/2023 12:29

Where I live in the US Children's Services creates what they call a reunification plan when a child is taken from its parents. Do they have something like that? It outlines exactly what needs to happen in order for the child to be returned. But they wouldn't consider reunification, nor should they, until the drug abuse has ended.

BlueHeelers · 01/03/2023 12:30

This is only a blip in a normal life, brought on by bereavement. -

I have never read such minimising of serious harm to a child.

You need to think about your own role in what looks like your enabling of this.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/03/2023 12:32

It's a long road to recovery and they haven't stopped taking drugs cold turkey. Certainly the drug use has reduced significantly but not completely.

Then the child should not go back to them. Until they are clean and have stayed clean for a period of time. The child is the priority and deserves better. If they couldn't be bothered to stop using when their kid was taken into foster care, they don't deserve the child.

FriendofDorothy · 01/03/2023 12:35

Sounds to me like the children are better off in foster care.
Encourage your family members to access support regardless of whether they will get their kids back. They have to do it for themselves.

Hankunamatata · 01/03/2023 12:35

Focus on supporting the parent to go to narcotics anon. They have to make forster step. They need to help themselves

Boogismyname · 01/03/2023 12:36

BlueHeelers · 01/03/2023 12:24

OP your language of "getting the child back" sounds rather as though you consider these children the possessions of their parents.

I should think that what you could do would be to support your relatives to kick their addiction. Then you might suggest that there are short supervised visits.

But you sound too close, and you're making too many excuses.

And if one child is old enough to have lived independently anyway, maybe you could support that child, rather than potentially enable the child's parents?

But the children are probably safer in all sorts of ways in foster care than in the care of your family.

My thoughts. The children should come first, it's not about what the parents want ffs

MeridianB · 01/03/2023 12:41

You say “the dust has settled” but it really hasn’t. Parent is still using drugs and presumably this could be to a much greater extent than they are prepared to admit to you.

Why would it be in a child’ best interests to return to such a dysfunctional, dangerous and damaging environment?

If your relative is serious about changing their life then they will do it. But the child’s welfare is the top priority here.

kateandme · 01/03/2023 12:42

There are actual tick box things rhey will need to do in order for this to even begin.and thereafter steps to be taken hoops to jump through.its long.its hard.fustratig as fuck.they must be ready for that therefore recovered enough.its not a case of recovered(even if fantasicly legit) now child can come home. It can feel awful to then be confronted with what you have to do.
Also if this is an addiction based from grief I'd go the therapy route.as they can stop the drugs but if you haven't healed the trauma and instigator it won't last.

2bazookas · 01/03/2023 12:44

You should focus on what's best for the child.

Living with addicted parents (and all the associated neglect/deprivation/poverty/crime that goes with addiction), is NOT going to provide the stability and security a child needs. The very fact you cite the possibility of parental suicide if they don't get their way, illustrates how mentally unstable they are.

Removal from parental care by SW/ court order, is the last resort after all other interventions have failed. Before that stage, the parents were no doubt offered ample support, and opportunities to address their drug problems; which they failed to take. So please don't fall for any tale that they are the helpless victims abandoned by the welfare system.

kateandme · 01/03/2023 12:47

They will have to not be taking drugs at all.nor plan to ever again. It will need to be full on recovery. Not just stopped.paused.unhealed.

Whatever happens with the children get this poor person some therapy anyway! Its nit a case of ok,so we might not actually get the child back what's the point.you help your.family.member now regardless.for THEIR life's sake.for THEIR future.they have become seriously poorly for this to even happen.get them help.not just significantly less drug taking.this is not how drug taking or addiction work.you can't ever be in qausi recovered.

kateandme · 01/03/2023 12:49

2bazookas · 01/03/2023 12:44

You should focus on what's best for the child.

Living with addicted parents (and all the associated neglect/deprivation/poverty/crime that goes with addiction), is NOT going to provide the stability and security a child needs. The very fact you cite the possibility of parental suicide if they don't get their way, illustrates how mentally unstable they are.

Removal from parental care by SW/ court order, is the last resort after all other interventions have failed. Before that stage, the parents were no doubt offered ample support, and opportunities to address their drug problems; which they failed to take. So please don't fall for any tale that they are the helpless victims abandoned by the welfare system.

I totally understand your point here but left right and centre this is a huge problem they aRe being let down by mental health and welfare being the problem.there isn't means of help.

macbooks · 01/03/2023 12:53

Not to be rude but everything you listed means your family member is unfit to be a parent. Yes, people can change, but the type of trauma your family member has been through may take years to recover from. Any short term parenting change will be superficial as the underlying issues have not been resolved.

I think your intentions are well meaning but misguided. As a family, you should be looking to see which one of you can take this child in instead and offer them a decent quality of life. The parent of this child needs to go on a separate journey unfortunately.

CheersForThatEh · 01/03/2023 13:05

How do you know social services arent helping the adults or offering them support? Because they say so themselves?

Original poster
outingaccount · 01/03/2023 13:08

reading, thank you for replying.
I don't know what is best, the obvious answer is parents fix up and go home but it might not be possible but what if they could get normal and I didn't Try help them? what if they get taken away and their parents kill them selves? I am finding the situation very difficult as an adult, o with I could rewind and live a few years ago

OP posts:
gogohmm · 01/03/2023 13:10

They will have a social worker, they can advise on the steps but number one is stop the drug use, not for a few days but would need to be several months. They will also need to demonstrate that they realise that they have been an unfit parent and not blame extenuating circumstances. The courts and social services would love to have 2 less children to care for but the ball is very much in the parents court, reducing drug use isn't enough. The children's needs are the priority

BadNomad · 01/03/2023 13:11

It is not the child's responsibility to save the parents from killing themselves. It's very manipulative and abusive to put that on a child. If they kill themselves it is because they are ill. Maybe too ill to raise a child.

BarbaraofSeville · 01/03/2023 13:12

What if you waved a magic wand and the DC went back to the parents and the children ended up dead, or suffering neglect for years on end?

Would that make you glad you'd 'helped'

Sorry to be blunt, but that's the situation SS are trying to prevent happening because often, if a tragedy occurs, a lot of people start asking 'WTF were SS doing to allow this to happen'?

FourTeaFallOut · 01/03/2023 13:13

outingaccount · 01/03/2023 13:08

reading, thank you for replying.
I don't know what is best, the obvious answer is parents fix up and go home but it might not be possible but what if they could get normal and I didn't Try help them? what if they get taken away and their parents kill them selves? I am finding the situation very difficult as an adult, o with I could rewind and live a few years ago

It's a really sad situation but you have created a situation in your mind in which you have centered yourself as the hypothetical tipping point in their lives and whether they chose to kill themselves or not. I know you are distressed but if this thought persists then you need to get yourself some support because this self flagellation is going to do you harm.

Unless you are their dealer you are not the cause and you can't expect yourself to be the solution.

fairycakes1234 · 01/03/2023 13:14

Littleflowerseverywhere · 01/03/2023 10:15

I don’t understand why you’d wish to. They are still using. No kid should be in that environment. Put the child first. Until they get clean no one should be trying to get a child into that environment

Sorry I agree. I have seen first hand where the child was left with the parent and she was alcoholic and drug user. Tusla were useless, she would clean up and present well (no random drug testing either) and they left the child there till she had a breakdown and then removed her daughter. I dread to think what the child saw, she was a happy little girl and had been with a lovely foster family and she loved going. It was cruel, and im sorry i never said anything to the agency. Please wait till she cleans up her act and is at least a year clean, if she wants her child she should be willing to detox properly.

fairycakes1234 · 01/03/2023 13:16

outingaccount · 01/03/2023 13:08

reading, thank you for replying.
I don't know what is best, the obvious answer is parents fix up and go home but it might not be possible but what if they could get normal and I didn't Try help them? what if they get taken away and their parents kill them selves? I am finding the situation very difficult as an adult, o with I could rewind and live a few years ago

I also think you are trying your best, and why not try help and encourage them, without trying to get the child back at the beginning. Horrible situation for you to be in, but honestly the child needs to come first, not the parent.

Lostinbrum · 01/03/2023 13:16

You sound like you haven't considered the children's well being in this what so ever ffs. The parents are still doing drugs. Things have to be pretty serious for kids to get removed. The children are not a crutch to stop the parents topping themselves it's in no way their responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. You sound like your enabling and making excuses or perhaps you feel guilt over failing these family members too. Kids come first. End of.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/03/2023 13:19

The crucial point here is that all the things you've suggested - parenting classes, drug cessation support and all the rest - will have been suggested by SS long before the child was removed; they have to be, because there just aren't the resources to remove every child at risk straight away

Unfortunately the parents have chosen not to do it, and until they do - and the decision can only come from them - there's little you can do
These agencies know better than most that being in the care system is hardly ideal, but the child comes first and rightly so

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 01/03/2023 13:20

Yanbu to want to help put in place the right support. I think some people feel you might be wanting to fix them but I suspect you understand that you can lead the proverbial horse to water.

I don't know what the right services are for this situation but don't be discouraged by replies here - you're doing the right thing to attempt to help put in place the right support and tools for them.

The rest is obviously up to them, but don't give up.